Still Small Voice.....

We went to the temple. It was a busy morning. I woke up at 5 and went running with my friend. I made the 5 miles even though I feel out of shape. She kept asking me if I wanted to turn home shorter but my mind wanted to keep going. The body was slow.  I felt really good afterwards. I got ready for the day very early than usual. I've not been running much at all. The days I do run my mornings are much better. This morning was very special because I was getting ready to go to the temple. Right before we left my phone rang and it was a member of the bishopric asking me to speak in church next week. Funny because Wade and I looked at each other last week in Sacrament meeting and said that it was only a matter of time before we would be asked to speak. This time it is just me. They used to call couples or families to speak together. They don't do that anymore. I'm excited to prepare the talk because I know it will strengthen my testimony even though it is nerve wracking and makes me nervous. We dropped the babes off to my friends at 8:30 and met up with another couple in the ward. I was very excited to go with them. It was their first time going back to the temple since they went their first time. I felt a lot of joy assisting her through. We barely made the session. The patrons kept whispering while we were changing. "Hurry Sisters! Hurry Sisters!" We got out and everyone was up waiting for us. I felt lucky they let us come straggling in. We would have done sealings if we missed the session and that would have been nice. But for some reason we were meant to make the session. We had grabbed some family file names at the entrance. I kept looking at the name of the woman I was officiating for. She was born in the 1700's, from France. Her name is Ann Marie. My name is Julianne Marie. I felt a great connection with her and I felt that she wanted me to do her work. I don't usually feel that. I felt the spirit more this time. It was really a beautiful time. I feel so blessed to have made temple attendance a priority in my life. I'm trying to pay more attention to others around me and take notice to any little thing I can do to help someone else attend the temple. Some people just need someone to go with.....

My brother who is gay called me. We hadn't talked in awhile. For family home evening we read "The Christmas Oranges."  I remembered the Christmas Eve Wade and I spent with my mom and brother and Andrea as a little toddler. Steven had Andrea sitting on his lap eating oranges together while we read that story. It was a good memory. So after I put the kids to bed I called him back. It was nice to hear each others voices. We have a deep connection in some ways although we disagree on many things. We were able to have a great conversation and I felt love and contentment that we connected again. As a people we need to be respectful of our unique journeys....

Today was a busy day trying to go to the store to get milk and then off to the school to volunteer. I had to take Bella with me. It was....tiring.  I helped the little kids with the sight words in Lydia's class. Then in Andrea's I helped with centers making holiday cards for their parents. Bella was getting into things and having a hard time. After an hour of that I felt so worn out! Their is so much work to do all the time. I want to relax more. It is hard for me to feel good relaxing. After feeding the kids lunch I don't want to do anything even though the groceries need put away and laundry folded. I just want to write. My Lydia has a couple of friends over and I forgot about Bella's 18 month appointment this afternoon. Last thing I want to do is go to that apt. I'm counting down the minutes. I'm thinking that I'm not making dinner. hahaha.

I'm trying so hard to be a good mother and wife. I'm trying to surrender my selfish ways and be more one with God's will. It is so hard!

One more thing I want to write. There are times when you wonder about how much the Lord cares about us individually. Does He really know me and care about my daily life?  I had another experience that affirmed that Heavenly Father is involved in every moment of our life. I was preparing to go visiting teaching. My companion was getting treats together and I had a couple magnets and a couple of cd's to add to it. I had a hard time figuring out who should get a cd and which magnet to give. I prayed to have the spirit with me. I decided to take a cd to the first sister we visited. My companion saw the cd and said, "oh this is a great one that I have and my kids love this one song and love to play it over and over." The next woman we went to visit I was going to give the magnet to but remembering what my companion said I decided to give her the cd since she has young kids at home that might like that one song. The third sister we went to I had the magnet for. When we gave it to her she lighted up like a Christmas tree. She said, "I just saw this magnet last night and admired it and wanted it. I especially wanted my teenager to see it on the fridge. Maybe it will influence her." She looked at me like, "How did you know?" I felt the spirit confirm to me that Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us. We are his children! He uses us to bless each others lives. JOY!
Love and Light~

Joy in my Heart...

My darling first born chose to be baptized. I'm so happy for her and the journey she has begun. More of my thoughts to come....
Love & Light~

Phone and purse

To be a kid....

Since I'm on my phone I'll make it short. I couldn't resist letting them put their hands in the flour and feel the cool soft texture. I washed their hands first. Bella cried when I quickly put the lid on. I paused and thought, "why not?" They were very happy!!

Princess

Bella brought me this Cinderella dress to put on her. Her first time!

Crazy Girl

White Fence

This morning Wade and I read a couple columns in the BOM. We are getting into some exciting stories. One of my fav's is was introduced today, Captain Moroni! I always kneel with the children before they go to school and say a prayer together. But this morning we rushed off to choir and didn't pray. We aren't perfect but I try to be as consistent as I can. If the girls don't kiss Damon before they run off he starts crying. He says, "KISS!" "KISS!" After they roll their eyes and kiss him, he laughs.

I keep thinking about Andrea and what she said on Sunday. She is easily thrown into a bad attitude. We had another good conversation before bed after she was stomping around mad. I talked to her about what she can do when she gets to the point of being really upset. 1st. Remove yourself from the situation. 2nd, Go to a quiet place and take some deep breaths. We practiced breathing. I told her to release her anger and frustration as she breathed out and let it go. She felt a lot better. Each child takes a lot of physical or emotional energy. Its a lot of work. Have I talked to each of them today? Is everyone feeling heard and happy? sigh

My Sister-in-law dropped off a piece of vinyl white picket fence with a cute Christmas sign hanging on it. I put it up on the worn out desk in the living room that the children color on or do homework on. I started looking at it throughout the day and realized. I have my white picket fence! You know the one everyone talks about.....they were living a great life with the white picket fence.....they even had a white picket fence. We all have that white picket fence. For me its lots of things. Firstly the gospel of Jesus Christ, my family, our health, Love......its all perspective. I would have to say that having a piece of white picket fence inside my house as a decoration is a great symbol! Symbols are very important if you don't already know!!

I'm determined as part of my repentance to teach my children to love the holidays and focus on the WHY of the holidays. Its the good news of our Lord Jesus Christ being born on the earth and that He still lives. I started trying to play some Christmas songs on the piano in hopes that I'll be good enough on a few songs by Christmas that the family can sing along. It is really helping me feel good about the holidays.

Last night my mom took Andrea on a little one on one and they went looking for white baptism shoes. She found a beautiful pair at Payless but they were not comfortable for her. They searched and searched and couldn't find any. My mom got worried but Andrea said, "It doesn't really matter what shoes I wear. What really matters is the going into the water and the coming out." I felt so proud of her when my mom told me that. It makes me again feel like I need to repent for arguing with Wade about the white baptism dress. What is wrong with me? I'm too worried about what doesn't matter. I'm going to try those breathing exercises on myself to let that stuff that doesn't matter go and quit worrying about pleasing everyone. I'm so Human!!

Love and Light~

Sunday Afternoon Ramble

Church went well today. I think that Bella was much better than usual. Andrea had her Bishop interview to see if she is ready for baptism. It was very exciting as she prepared to leave. She has a good understanding of the basic principles of the gospel and wants to follow Jesus Christ. Earlier this morning she got very upset at her.....homework. Which I'm encouraging her to not do on Sundays. She is a serious girl and gets upset and frustrated easily. I heard her say that she wishes she never came down to earth because it is too hard. I was very sad and concerned and thought, "What 7 year old says that?" Is her life so hard? Is it because of me? Is homework and her not getting along with her siblings making her want to leave this earth?? I don't know if I should get mad that she isn't being grateful, scared because she needs some serious counseling or what! Is she just wanting a deep conversation and attention from me? That's what she got. We talked it all out. I'm thinking in the back of my head that she needs more positive reinforcement from me. Parenting is getting harder. I'm feeling inadequate.

Those raging emotions are really slamming me lately. One minute I'm feeling so good about things and the next I'm throwing something and crying! Its crazy but sometimes I like to throw things. Rags, brushes, shoes, toys. Usually I throw something when I'm alone and about to cry. Its wonderful. The other day I was crying and looking out my back window and had the urge to go shovel a bunch of dirt as fast as I could. I haven't ran in 4 weeks. I've really missed the fresh air and physical release. I finally went a couple of days ago with my friend again. I wore two sports bras and found it uncomfortably snug. When I got home Wade asked how my "walk" went. I told him I ended up jogging. He was not happy. Doctor said 4 weeks and I went running 3 days too soon. I've really transgressed. I'm actually a little sore (in my legs) and feel a little out of shape but not too bad. I hope to go all this week.
Back to the raging emotions. If running this week doesn't help than I'm going to give my dad another call. I'm wondering if I need something to get me through the holidays. Oh the guilt and pain to have this thought go through my head but its been bad for me lately. I'm sure he will just talk me out of it...again. Talking helps me a lot too. Its weird how it all got better and now its like the stress of the holidays is bringing it all back.

I'm going to the temple this week!!! I'm soo happy and looking forward to it. After black Friday shopping we are going to the temple! I love the temple and I know I am strengthened and blessed when I go. It also helps strengthen my marriage. I didn't realize that we were so consistent at going to the temple. We miss two or three months once in awhile. But we don't usually go longer then that. I have a friend that a few years ago we used to switch every month for at least a year. We started switching a little bit again.  The reason I bring this up is because recently I watched another of my friends children while her and her husband went to the temple. What was shocking to me was that they haven't been to the temple since their children have been born and their oldest is 6. They have also never done sealings together. This really saddened me. I was so thrilled to help them go. It made me think a lot about the importance of going to the temple and also how hard it is to go when you have young children. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming to schedule someone to watch the kids for 5 hours...and I'm trying to always find free babysitting! -that makes it trickier!
It is WORTH it! Worth all the inconvenience and stress. It takes a lot of planning. I wonder when I go to church and see the good families there, who among them haven't been to the temple for a long time or they haven't been there for the first time. I hope to be more sensitive to those around me because I now know that I can't assume that everyone is going regularly. My primary teaching partner has a few boys who have some problems and she mentioned to me that she and her husband haven't been back to the temple since they got sealed earlier this year. They have no one to watch those boys who need adult--not teenage--supervision. I told her today that I want to watch those boys sometime soon before Christmas so they can go to the temple. However hard this will be for me to watch them, I want to serve her and help them in this way. We need to stand in holy places! One of those places is my home, (when I'm not yelling and throwing things :'( and the TeMpLe!

This week is Thanksgiving, Wade's birthday and Andrea's birthday (Black Friday and Temple visit). Its going to be crazy busy and lots of fun. I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and be happy! I'm feeling like I need to repent for being caught up in worrying about the budget instead of being Thankful and thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. I actually have most of my decorations up for Christmas--since my sister when she was here stated that I needed to do it earlier this year. I said, "Yes I will, Your right!" Because she said, "You shouldn't decorate for fall for three months and Christmas for only one month. Put your fall decorations away even though its before Thanksgiving. I thought, "why not?" I obeyed and now keep pestering Wade to get us a tree. "Can we get one today?" "Can we get one today?" "How about we get the tree today?" I won't go back to a fake tree...not yet!

Love and Light~

Mouse

I was looking in my closet. Its getting colder and I went looking to the side of my closet that has my winter shirts. As I was looking I pushed back a few hangers to look at a shirt. And to my horror as I pushed them back there in my face, hanging on the middle of my shirt was a little grey mouse. I told my mother this later and she said excitedly, "Was it LOOKING at you??" And let me tell you YES it was. As a matter of fact! I screamed and jumped back onto my bed as the mouse jumped down right where I was standing and ran under my bed. I screamed and yelled! I didn't want to put my feet down. I couldn't believe what just happened. I'm not that jumpy about things, and wouldn't scream if I saw a mouse running on the floor, but to have it in my face like that....words can't describe!
I can't figure out why why why would the mouse be there on my shirt like that. I have no food in there! Apparently everyone is having this problem right now!
I still needed something to wear and my husband came in as I was crouched on my bed trying to look in my closet without my feet touching the floor. We bought some mouse killer type stuff that we have hidden in two places in the house being careful that no children would get to it. Like behind the stove for example. I keep wondering when I use the oven if I'll roast a dead mouse. But chances are the mouse will die somewhere else. I hope I don't find a dead mouse in my house!

Dead Mouse!

Last night the girls said that it was stinky under the tv. We didn't investigate it but this morning I smelt it! Something was there! Something awful! It's terrible when your moving things around knowing your going to find something unpleasant....what is it?! What is it?!!
I found it! A dead mouse stuck behind the entertainment wires. I took needle nose pliers and grabbed it. It's skin was sticking and pulled off. I threw it away outside and cleaned the fur and skin off the wires with disinfectant wipes. It was a terrible thing to do. I think Damon gagged!

One of THOSE days...

I've been missing my writing. So here we go....
Things have been going so well. Its like I've been on a happy high since my surgery, going to the drags, and my birthday. But the thoughts of the holidays put me over the edge yesterday.  I'm sad to admit that I hate the holidays.  I feel inadequate and worried that the children won't be satisfied Christmas morning. My husband and I are still working on our own groove with our holiday traditions and how much to spend. We don't have the kinks out yet. That causes me a lot of stress. The thoughts of figuring stuff out with the extended family also throws me over the edge! I also feel myself slowly getting sick.
So yesterday just plain stunk. I sent the kids off to school and then cried and cried. I was supposed to help out at the school but canceled it so I could stay home with my baby girl and have a good cry. I know I have issues! This life is not easy.
There are times when I just feel the frustrations of living in this telestial world and it hits me hard. At the same time I know that after I cry it out--think of the good things, pray for help, it passes and I feel better. So after I cried. I tried to be normal and do my normal things and smile at Bella. It was nice just the two of us. My mom stopped by to get something. I smiled and acted normal. She helped me fold clothes for a minute. I couldn't help it and started talking about how I didn't like Christmas and started crying again. So Lame! She lamely tried to comfort me and I just wanted to be alone again. After she left I decided to try harder and got my kids journals out. It took me awhile to write in all of them. Lydia and Damon came home and we had lunch. I laid down but after a half an hour I woke up and felt anxious to get something done again.....

Today I'm finally recovering from my bad day yesterday. I'm wanting to get started on the Christmas decorations so I can be done with it. My first baby is getting baptised in a few weeks. That is adding to my stress levels too. I have two birthdays, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and a baptism all within two weeks. It would be nice if I could go a year without complaining about November. But now there is a baptism to plan and that means people to feed. I'm super excited for her choice to be baptised but then I think about all the things to do......
So I want to get the decorations out now so that its not on my to do list anymore. I've been doing a lot of business stuff lately. This morning I went out and cleaned up the property, shoveling dirt and weeds that have blown in. I put a movie on in the car for my babies and got a good solid hour in. I came home and dried off the car from going through the car wash. I couldn't stand a filthy car anymore. Its a beautiful day. Its a little cool but sunny and still. The kids are playing nicely and the babies are sleeping. We are working a lot in this house to be nice to each other. Andrea started crying the other day because she thought Santa wouldn't come because she has been fighting with Lydia. I hope to raise these kids to be kind! I can't believe how hard it is!

Love & Light~

Little girls little girls...

Bella's first pony tail!

Reflections

My girls entered the reflections contest. They both drew beautiful pictures. But Lydia is going on to compete at district! Very fun!

Improvement

I'm going to post from my phone now! This means more posts and more pics! Yay! These are a few pics from my birthday~
Love & Light

Hello Again

That reminds me. I used to write Hello like this, Hellow. My good friend Carolyn always laughed and corrected me about it.

Finally I am in the second week post surgery. Its been a slow recovery and I'm finally feeling more myself. My day goes better when I take Ibuprofen. The pain went from a lot of pressure like I can't breathe to soreness around the incision. I'm trying to be good and not over do it. If I stretch my arms to reach for things or stretch backwards it hurts. I try not to do that. They sit really high. I guess it will take months until they are positioned in their normal place. I have to wear this sports bra thing that bugs me. It clips in the front and I usually have some of them undone because its too tight around the bottom where my incision is. So If I go without it in the night I wake up feeling like I need to put it back on. When I wear it all day I can't wait to take it off. I never needed much support before. So this must be a normal thing. You like to take the bra off because its more comfortable but then you need to put it back on after awhile for the extra support.

I'm very happy about having breasts again. Its very well worth it. I'm feeling like I look more proportioned. We'll see how the rest of recovery goes.

November 8th.
I had my two week post surgery check up yesterday. It went really well. Everything is going perfectly. The strange thing is that it is extremely hard to shave my arm pits now. The muscle in the inside of the arm pit is now stretched tighter causing a big pit in the arm pit. I didn't mention it at my apt. but the at the end the doctor pulled a card out of his pocket giving me a free complimentary axillary hair removal session. WooHoo!! I go back in four weeks for another check up. It was a snowy day yesterday but still managed to make it to the apt. I had a nice friend come with me. We had lunch and ran a few errands. One of them was to Dillard's to get fitted for a real bra. I haven't had any idea what cup size I am. It was a great experience and everyone should do it. Apparently everyone wears one to two cup sizes too small....
I am feeling so happy about my surgery. I will be even happier when I'm not sore anymore.

Enough of all that....

I had a birthday. I'm so bad lately at being consistent with this blog. There are so many things to talk about lately. It was a great day! I have turned 29. I feel completely content at 29. I don't feel like I should be older or younger. I am happy to be nearing 30 and feel like I have more confidence in my adult life now that a decade has past since high school. Got a little experience behind me. yay!
Its a very happy time!

My sister came down for the weekend for my birthday. It was great to have her stay with us. We mostly just hung out and let the kids play. We went out to eat a couple times and ventured to the store....by ourselves! 

It was a nice birthday with lots of friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. My Aunt Kathy Step Mom painted me a picture:

Last year I asked her to paint me a picture representing my motherhood. I felt really unworthy to ask for a painting. "Who am I to ask for a painting?" But I thought why not ask anyways. I'm so grateful that she did! I can't wait to see it in person. This is such a sacred time in my life with my little ones. I never want to forget it and capture the feelings of this special time. I think the painting is a great likeness of me! I am thrilled!

Love and Light~

So let it be written, so let it be DONE!

We took the girls to Grandma's house. Wade and I went on a little date to Chili's. It was great. I way over ate because they gave us a complimentary chocolate cake I couldn't resisit!
I thought about going on a last morning run but realized I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight. Wade said thats extreme to even think about running. I don't think so. I won't be running for 6 weeks. Ill have to go on lots of walks.
I had a restless night. We left the house at 6:45 AM. I couldn't wear deoderant, lotion or makeup.
I wore a big button shirt of Wade's, loose pants and slippers....and no bra! haha
The surgical center was clean and classy. The nurses were really nice too. I gave them a urine sample and changed into my gown and hair cap. No clothes underneath. They gave me an IV and the anesthesiologist came in and told me what he was going to do to put me to sleep. They gave me a anti-nausea patch behind my ear and on my hip and also in the IV. Apparently when they put you to sleep a person can get very nauseated from it. Doctor came (Doctor Marcus Peterson, he was great!) in and marked me up and said some jokes. I was really giggly and loopy already and especially when he put the sleeping stuff in the IV. They wheeled me into the operating room and I thought it was an awesome room because the beach was painted on the walls. I know I talked more and moved to the other bed but I can't remember because the medicine had kicked in. Next thing I know the nurse is talking to me and helping me put my bottoms on. They had put a white sports bra on me that snaps in the front. I'm supposed to wear it for the next two weeks. I don't know if I had my eyes open or not. I remember vaguely reaching for the nurses hand at least 3 times and put her hand on my cheek. I know a little strange. I don't know why I did that. I felt appreciative for her kindness. She gave me ice chips and juice. It felt like a lot of pressure squeezing my chest. It felt like an elephant was sitting on me. In the first pirate movie when Elizabeth fell off the wall and into the water, Jack Sparrow saved her and cut her corset off and she started to breath again. That's what I kept thinking about. Someone cut this corset off me so I can breath!! I was really out of it. Wade was talking to me but I had a hard time understanding anything. I started feeling a little woozy and weak as they helped me to the car. I was so tired my eyes wanted to stay shut the whole ride home. Wade gave me a pain pill and antibiotic to take. They also sent me home with a couple of anti-nausea suppositories. My mortal enemy--the suppository!! I put one in soon as I came home because I was feeling slightly nauseous and I couldn't imagine what that would feel like to throw up and make all my muscles tense and stretch. I was really sore and it really hurt to breath. I walk really slow and try not to move my arms. Doctor said to try to breathe deep even though it hurts to help stretch the muscles. I slept most of the day. Wade hung out with me and kept track of my medicine. I use a lot of ice on my chest. It sooths it and helps the pain. I started to get a slight fever. It was very very uncomfortable that first day. We watched the new Pirates but I couldn't hardly stay awake. I tried to be a tough guy and went to bed without a pain pill. It was a miserable night because it hurt to move and I had to lay on my back propt up. My body didn't like staying in one position all night but it hurt too bad any other way. At 3 AM I was hurting so bad Wade brought me a pain pill and I slept good another two or three hours. I went in the living room in the recliner with some ice and watched a little TV. I noticed that it was a little easier to breath. We went back to the doctors for a post op visit. He showed me some spots to push on to help the implant stay in the pocket as it heals. I looked at them for the first time. They are really puffy on the top and look funny. But once they settle down they should look just right. There is no blood. Just a little insision on the bottom of each one that has tape across it. The stitches disolve. Yay! This afternoon the insicion burns a little but its a little easier to breath and move my arms. We went to Costco and got some easy food to pull out of the freezer because I said I would not be cooking this week.
I wonder what my kids reactions will be.  I'm hoping that I will do good not to lift Bella. I plan on letting her eat on the tile or on my lap and not get her in and out of the high chair or crib. I think I will be able to work it out just fine. My older girls are good helpers too. Back to my icing!
More tomorrow...
Love and Light~

Ready Set Go!

Yesterday I cleaned the house. I mopped the floors, vacuumed, scrubbed toilets and tubs. Its like I'm nesting or something. I want the house just right to come home to from my little surgery tomorrow. The day before I did mountains of laundry. The day before that I made these amazing bread bowls and creamy broccoli potato soup. Well the bread bowls weren't the best I ever had but they were still good. It was fun to make and my first time making them. I just used my normal french bread recipe and made big rolls out of it. As I was making the rolls I all the sudden got this amazing feeling of happiness. I felt such fulfillment making dinner for my family. I also realized, "yes I do love to cook!" Problem is I get burned out and it turns into just a lot of work. Cooking to me is not hard but it does take time. Some days I cook. Some days I don't. Last night we had a crappy dinner of frozen pizza and tator tots. I hate that kind of food. No one else cared. I opened a can of green beans for Bella.

I'm feeling a bit anxious today and finally getting excited. I did a bunch of errands with all the kids since there is no school today. At 8 this morning I realized that I had visiting teaching appointments at 9. I quickly shampooed the girls room--badly needed and thought about canceling my apts since I didn't want to take all the kids. I remembered too that it was my turn to give the lesson and thought about the amazing Ensign this month on the Book of Mormon-- my favorite book. I read the lesson out of the Ensign and was soo happy that it was about the People of Ammon, which Wade and I had just finished reading about, and how they kept their covenants. The whole point of the message was to be covenant keepers. I love that! I love my covenants! I feel a lot of conviction to keep my covenants no matter what. It feels good to gather our strength together as women when we do our visiting teaching.
I took the kids to get some lunch at Wendy's and came back to the house to have a picnic in our backyard. I'm wanting to have a great day with them since they will be at grandma's for two nights. I'm pretty worried about it for Damon and Bella. I'm such a protective mother. I hate to have them away from me for longer then a couple hours. My girls don't know anything about whats going on. I don't need them worrying about me. I'm hoping to just tell them that the doctor helped me get my breasts back and that's it. I know they will be surprised to see me. It will be so obvious. After I stopped breast feeding Bella last spring Lydia said. "Mommy what happened to your....your....(she points) why are they so smaller?" ---yes it was lovely!

Tonight will be just the two of us for my last night of flatness! haha....aaahhhh!
I really can't believe its finally happening. I'm scared!

Now I'm going to hang out with my girls while my babes are sleeping until I take them to Grandma's.
Love and Light~

Annoucing the End....

Dear Naturally Curvy Friends,
Those of you who are naturally curvy. Those of you who are curvy because your pregnant or because you just had a baby. May I have your attention:
Do you know how beautiful you are as women? YOU ARE! Let me tell you that I think you are beautiful. I think that curvy hips and breasts is beautiful. The times that I have felt the most beautiful and fulfilled as a woman is right after having my children. My hips are more spread out and my milk has just come in making my breasts full. Although you may struggle with your weight. I hope you feel its a small price to pay for your beautiful womanhood.  So just to let you know if you don't know already--you are beautiful and attractive and blessed!
Love and Light,
Your friend Julianne

Dear Flat Chested Friends,
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! But I do not feel that way about myself. When I see you being confident while being flat it makes me envious and I wish I could feel more like that.
We know that some times are good where we don't care about the flatness and we feel fine, maybe even great and then there are the times we feel insecure and bad about it, or maybe you don't. My experience is that it is up (when I'm pregnant or nursing) and down (everyday I'm not pregnant or nursing).  Yes I am thin and fit, but this having no curves, to me is not a good thing--ever. After having four children its not a pretty sight. I feel a mourning for my breasts. Where are you? Where did you go? I have a large rib cage and wide shoulders and this large empty space. I've had four children and yet I feel like I'm still waiting to grow up.
I feel so depressed about it that I'm getting them repaird. I hope you won't judge me for this. I feel guilty doing something like this for myself. I feel guilty to be struggling with such a vain thing as if I'm not grateful for what I have. Its very complicated! -- I can't handle it anymore. In two days I go in to return the curves that are lost. I should be excited about it. But I'm not. Its been a painful decision and I just want it over with. I don't know what kind of example I'm showing my daughters. It can be looked at as good or bad. But no one can understand how I feel unless you have walked in my shoes--completely in my shoes with my growing up and back round. I love womanhood. I love the body I was given. I love motherhood. I'm teaching them these things. I'm doing my best. Think what you will.
Love and Light~
Your friend Julianne

My further experience posted below...

The Missing

Oh dear here we go....
I have been debating on writing about this. I think I haven't known where to start. I also think its been painful for me and its scary to share painful things. What is the point? What good would it do? I think its a fascinating subject for religious women to deal with. I have been having a lot of struggles the past few months and on and off my whole life. My husband has been trying to joke about it by saying I have BD (boob depression). How is your BD today? My breasts which I had while my body was in full womanhood while creating life and feeding life....is now gone. Where are you?? I keep feeling angry and upset at our society and culture. I can't even be myself. I have to wear a padded bra to look like I have breasts because that is the culture. Women are supposed to have them. My bra doesn't even fit me correctly. Since there is nothing there holding it in place it is constantly trying to come up. If I loosen the straps to help keep it down the straps are falling off my shoulders. I hate my bra. I have no need for it. But I am a coward to go without it.--that's not accepted in our culture either. I'm not being my natural self anyways.  I had breasts when I was pregnant and nursing my babies. They still weren't really big by any means but there they were. Now they have shrunken and gone completely away. Its horrifying to me because everyone and everything around me in this world since the day I took my first breath has told and shown me that even "orthodox" Mormon women are not to be flat. --That is my experience. We are modest and respect our bodies as a temple where the spirit dwells. But we are still normal sexual women who keep themselves clean, pure, and chaste to our husbands. We live high standards and every day implement and practice righteous principles taught by Jesus Christ and yet struggle to be living in a society who although commercializes Christmas, denies that we need a Savior or that we indeed have a Savior and disregard his moral teachings. I still feel the worlds pull on me telling me what I should look like. Its hard to escape. Its hard to figure out. Is it good to want to look your best and to feel beautiful for yourself or your husband?

When I was a little girl I saw my mother and aunts with their large fake breasts. As an adult almost all my sisters and sister-in-laws have them. My mother when I was age 11 went in for surgery because one of her silicone implants had ruptured. When they went inside they found her tissue with crystallized silicone attached to it. They said her whole body had the silicone and that they could never completely get rid of it. She went in to get it all repaired and replaced with saline (salt water).  I saw the drainage tubes and a week or so later she had ME take the stitches out. It was all very traumatic. She was also very sick after that and acted like it was because of the silicone.  I wondered if she might die. I was her emotional and physical care giver for a long time. She told me some day I would get augmentation because there was no chance I would have larger breasts naturally. "After I had children my breasts shrunk to prunes." she told me--and she didn't even breast feed. When I was a teenager it was easy for me to realize my fate. I started taking this mixture of herbs called, "Grow Bust" that was supposed to help your breasts to grow. I think I took it faithfully for a year with no results. It was a disappointment but I felt beautiful still. The media is brainwashing our children at extremely young ages. You see it on magazines waiting in line at the store and you see it on the commercials on TV advertising their newest garbage sitcom. If you don't have breasts you are unattractive and not sexy. I have noticed some flat chested models out there and they compensate for that with showing most of their skin. The boys are affected as well. I wont go into that...

I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel so ugly and miserable. After having four children and breast feeding each of them....I'm left with nothing but nipples that sink in. --I'm not burned or disfigured!..I tell myself. But something is missing. You are grown up---where are your boobs? The running made it all worse. I lost weight and feel like a curveless boy. Thank Heavens my hair is long again! I'd really be in trouble!

Seeing myself in the mirror is torture. I cringe. One day I said to myself. "That's it. I'm keeping whats left of them covered up and save myself the embarrassment." After a couple of weeks of that my husband was furious! I didn't see what the problem was wearing a bra....ALL the time.  He has said yes you could use implants but you look beautiful without them. He wants to wait until we are completely done having kids and when we have more money. He has been very kind and never complains. Its all me. I'm feeling bad and insecure. Its hard to describe how deep these emotions are and how I can't seem to get over it. I feel like I have a lot of life stresses with dealing with regular life stuff....and then I'm dealing with this huge issue inside. I can't deal with it anymore. It is soo much work to be happy and healthy and yet this other thing is dragging me down. I keep trying to get mad at my husband for ridiculous things as if I'm wanting him to over compensate for my missing breasts. Its selfish. I feel bad for doing it and then feel depressed that I can't get over it. I know there is nothing more unattractive then an insecure, wimpy, depressed woman. I'm in the trenches with raising children and I can't handle being flat anymore. It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. I have to get it done.  I can't get out of this society and its so ingrained in me that I can't escape it. I don't like it but here I am in the 21st century. This would be no problem if I was living in a little house on the prairie with no outside influences. I find myself wishing I could have lived in the 19th century. I would have been a great pioneer! If you know me you'd agree. I'm a tough outdoorsy girl...I mean woman!

I don't want to imply that all flat women should get augmentation. In fact the few flat confident women I see around I am in awe and envy and I think they are beautiful. Its more about how they show the way they feel on the inside that reflects on their outside. I wish I wasn't depressed about this. I wish I could get better. Its making all those "ragging emotions" intensified.
I know I'm going to feel better after augmentation. I've talked to a lot of women. One said that she instantly felt better and that her breasts are worth $100k to her. She doesn't like to show them off. She layers more then anyone I know. But she has them for herself and her husband. Others also say that its not a huge difference for the husband but they as women feel more confident and have more fun. Its a win win. Husband of course likes them but more then that he's attracted to a more confidant woman who is finally happy to be naked.

sigh....

The End.

Pine nuts and poop

I now know why pine nuts are so expensive. We went on Saturday hunting for pine nuts. We drove and drove and drove. We searched and searched and searched. The pine trees that had a bunch of pine cones at the base of the tree usually had a bunch of pine nuts. You couldn't scoop them up. They had to be picked one by one. You also had to pay attention to the color. All the kids did pretty good. Damon and Bella were a handful but we had our red wagon and toted them around with us from tree to tree. Lydia decided to fill her bucket full of miniature baby pine cones. Andrea helped out a lot picking the pine nuts. After 5 hours of picking we finally had 1/3 of a 5 gallon bucket bucket filled. That's less then half. WoW! We had a great time. At one point Damon was screaming for some reason and all the sudden a bunch of coyotes started howling. It was awesome. The pine nuts are so yummy and over all it was a great experience.

I don't understand why I have to tell you a hundred times to stop putting your poopy toilet paper in the garbage. Why is that such a desirable thing to do? Toilet paper goes in the toilet!!!
Speaking of poop. There is poop in my tub right now. I need to disinfect and clean it up. I was in a hurry this morning and couldn't get it cleaned up before I had to leave. When I saw that Bella had pooped in her bath I hung my head. "NOOO! Why?"--I thought to myself.  She on the other hand was all smiles. I scooped her up and ran to the other bathroom to soap her down.
I haven't decided what to do with the bath toys yet.

It is a beautiful day. I decided not to do any bottling this year. Its too much for me. I have a bunch of tomatoes before my plants all froze. I'm going to make salsa again. Why not? We all love it.
I bought these white chocolate candy corn flavored m&m's. They are soo good!

I have now written two posts about my flattness that I haven't published. I'm such a chicken. Those of you with any breasts at all consider yourself blessed.  I wonder if any of you struggle with the same thing and would like to read my posts. Let me know.

Love and Light~

Forget Me Not.....

If you didn't go to the General Relief Society Meeting broadcast last Saturday you really missed out. President Uchtdorf an Apostle of Jesus Christ gave an amazing talk. You can read the whole talk on lds.org. These are the highlights and key points. Don't Forget these things!

A Ponder

I am  daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. He actually created me. Just as my earthly parents created my body, my heavenly parents created my spirit. That means they love me even more then my earthly parents. Just as parents take care of, worry over, watch over, teach, nurture and love you so does our Heavenly parents and more so. Their love is perfect because they are perfect. I can feel that love more when I am quiet and still. I love that I can communicate to heaven through prayer. I'm grateful to know this. I'm so grateful for His mercy and forgiveness and blessings He sends me. This life is only a moment. But it feels long and is full of lessons that are not easy. I keep thinking lately that I need to stop thinking selfishly. That I need to stop expecting things after serving someone. I'm trying to not let things upset me. Let it go. Let it go. And feel love and joy. Forgive those weirdos. Be happy.

My children are the greatest in the world. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I love to watch them and be together. I was thinking today and praying to help me listen to them more. Help me to be in the moment, stop and listen. I think this journey in life is hard. But I see the beauty around me and I'm trying to breath in all that is good and wholesome. I love my home because it is a safe place. I'm so happy to greet my children when they walk in the door from being at school.

My son is very sick with a staff infection. Luckily this one is easily treated. Him being sick reminds me of how fragile our bodies are. He is such a wonderful, sweet boy. He is talking more at home. He likes to use ropes to tie around things and he is so easy to be around. He doesn't complain about what we do. He has great motor skills and drives battery powered cars better then most 5 year olds.
My Bella is still not walking everywhere. But I catch her walking a few steps now and then. She is such a funny spunky girl! I hold her and want to somehow stop time. It makes me sad that she is growing so fast and I tell myself to remember how this feels! Look into her sweet eyes...don't forget!
Lydia is everyones friend. She is especially good to her younger siblings. Damon calls her Loly. He always wants to be with her. I think it is because she is kind to him and plays with him. She is also very good to Bella and helps keep her happy.
Andrea is a leader and is a deep thinker. She likes her space. She is a talented artist. She is creative and athletic. She likes to jump on Daddy and wrestle with him. She likes to be big but envies the attention Bella gets. I have to remember to rock and sing to Andrea more often. I tell her that everything you see us do with Bella we did with you and more. But I know saying that isn't good enough for her.

I'm so excited for General Conference this weekend. That is when the prophet and apostles speak to us and we can watch it from our own homes on TV. I'm praying that I will feel the spirit and learn.
Love and Light~

Finished!

This morning I ran a 1/2 marathon down the canyon, 13.1 miles. It was beautiful and cool--perfect temperatures. I ran about 3 or 4 miles with my friend and than I couldn't quiet keep up the pace. I had my ishuffle and kept up my own pace pretty good. The trees were so beautiful and the red and white rocks of the canyon at times had a misty look. A couple of times I felt like I wanted to walk or stop- be done with it. But those things weren't an option and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Its interesting how I'll start feeling better and then after a couple more miles I'll feel tired and then I'll just keep going and then feel a little better.  I felt really good and ended up being 2 minutes faster than my first one this summer! At the end I was able to kick up a gear and past a guy on the home stretch. I ran 7:38 min/miles and feel so great about it! Two halves make a full and I feel like I have sufficiently commemorated my 10 year anniversary of running the full marathon. I feel such great accomplishment that I am in the greatest shape of my life after 10 years and 4 kids later. I'm really loving my age and stage of life right now. I still feel really young and strong but I feel like I have some life experience and more wisdom. I am excited for 30 to come in a year and a couple of months. I think my 30's will be some of my best years yet. I think for me my 20's have been a huge learning experience of how to be me as an adult and of course how to be a wife and mother. I feel more comfortable and sure of who I am now. I feel like I've endured and conquered through a lot of trials and my own issues that has brought me closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. He truly is my greatest friend of all!

My son Damon woke up crying at 4 am. I went in his room and he said, "kisses, kisses!"
 I gave him lots of kisses on his sweet face and he went right back to sleep. It was the cutest thing and melted my heart!
Love & Light~

Last Trip

My dad and Kathy came with us to the Lake. We had the best weather and the best water! My dad rode the wake board and the knee board. This was the first time I remember going to the lake with him. We had the best time! It was so nice having someone come with us. I hate to say goodbye to the summer. ~ Love and Light ~

School Days

Lydia and Damon started school!! My son is going to preschool two days a week. This is our first time sending a child to preschool. He is really excited!

Lydia started kindergarten! She is so ready to learn and be with her friends! She loves it!!

Unfortunately my mom had her route changed the day before Lydia started kindergarten and didn't get to have grandma be her bus driver. It was disappointing but there must be a reason for it that we will never know. It is really exciting when the kids start school. There is a buzz in the air. I remember it well when I was in school. With the start of school brings the energy of the upcoming holidays soon approaching. Part of me dreads the work involved as the holidays come but what makes it all worth it is the children. I wouldn't enjoy the holidays near as much without my children. I am excited for the baking and hot chocolate! ~Love and Light

Teething

I was trying to get every second of sleep I could before I was up for the day. It is past 8 and I have two kids next to me in bed trying to wait for me to get up. Andrea comes pouncing in. "Mom I just bit down on my tooth and it went the other way now! Its bleeding, I think I can pull it out!""Oh that's good," I say groggily.
"Should I?"
"uhm sure."
"Really??!"
"yeah."
She tries pulling it out and can't seem to do it.
"Will you pull it out for me?"
I'm still half asleep but am still surprised. Usually I'm begging her to let me pull it out. I guess now that this is her 5th tooth to come out she is feeling less dramatic.....and so am I.
"sure," I say with little enthusiasm.
She brings me a long piece of tissue and climbs on the bed. I keep telling her to open her mouth wider so I can get my fingers in her mouth. I wrap the tissue over the tooth and with almost no effort pull the tooth out. She jerks back after I did it bewildered that it came out since of course she couldn't feel it. The tooth was barely hanging by a thread. Her mouth is bleeding and she couldn't be more thrilled for the day. What a great start to the day for a 7 year old!-life couldn't be better. Now for the next 2 hours she keeps bouncing around from mirror to mirror looking at the place the tooth dwelled. I hear none stop about the tooth fairy and how she might write her a letter or not and about how many teeth she has lost......
She still hasn't gotten her two top front teeth. Its been at least 6 months. She now eats on the corner of her mouth and always has food on her cheek. She wasn't chewing on the other side because of the above mentioned loose tooth. She never seems to care about wiping her face. She says to Bella very thoughtfully, "I'm teething too. I don't know when I'll ever stop teething."
It is so funny and awesome. I love the character that is coming out of my teething 7 year old!
Never a dull moment!

Good Experiences?

So many times I have thought about writing the last two weeks. I haven't had the luxury of time to myself to do that. Today my little Damon went to preschool on a little bus. My Lydia also went to her first day of kindergarten. I had a few hours to myself with the baby. I'd like to say I played and frolicked in the grass with her the whole time, but no. She was my little buddy for a little while. Lydia last night before bed said she would keep her panties dry. I said that's nice that you want to, but we need the pull ups to be dry first. I told her she had to wear one but didn't double check her before bed. She wet her bed and then came and slept on my top comforter on the floor of my bed....which she also peed on. At 4:38 she was whimpering and I discovered what happened. I told her I wasn't mad but that she needed to wear the pull ups. I got my running clothes on and headed out in the dark with my running partner to get a long run in.-9 miles. I wore a head light and we both had our pepper spray. The running trail was VERY dark. I always get scared when we pass other runners/walkers. Mostly women by themselves! They are crazy. We heard some rustling in the bushes by the river and there was some man with plastic sacs. I wouldn't have been able to see him without my head light. It was scary. I have no idea what he was doing. We ran up a little ways and then waited for the woman we passed just prier to make sure she made it safely past him. I later called the police dispatch to report it.
My morning has been filled with washing bedding. That's what I've been trying to get at. And also working on my business books.
Last couple weeks have been my usual emotional roller coasters. Saturday my dad and aunt/step mom was in town at the ranch. We all hung out most of the day with the horses. It was great. I rode my horse which I haven't for months. It was wonderful to be in the saddle and couldn't help singing "home home on the range!" We gave the kids rides. My dad has been coming up more to prepare to cut down the herd by getting some of them ready for the auction. He hates to sell these amazing full blooded Missouri Foxtrotters for practically nothing but the market is way down. Every time he rides one he says, "Wow this is a great horse!" One of the horses is older and had a growth on its underbelly of some sort of skin cancer. He went to get a scalpel and cut it right off while she was tied up to the post. My aunt/step mom was a little surprised and kept asking questions. I thought it was funny to watch her reaction. I grew up with my doctor farmer dad do this all the time. Especially the castrating. Some people might think he is a little barbaric? since he thinks animals have no feelings. He loves horses but he doesn't treat them like humans. I laughed to myself thinking about his new wife and thought, "the things you don't know about someone...until you are married." Or maybe she did?
Andrea has not had near enough experiences riding horses to my shock and amazement. Little julie would never had expected that since I prided myself in my horse skills and thought for sure my kids would be in the saddle while wearing diapers. But it hasn't been the case since I'm either pregnant and nursing for the past 7 years. I was giving Andrea a nice ride in the big corral. I had worked my mare for a little while before getting on and then was riding her for awhile. But she wasn't worn out enough. I've ridden her hundreds of times but they are still animals and you can't always predict every movement they make. Sometimes you think you can. Andrea was getting comfortable sitting behind me when she kept asking to go faster. I thought well my horse is doing pretty good. We could do a slow lope. I started clicking at her and kicked gently to get her moving when she started bucking. Oh man I still can't believe it. It was the hardest buck I ever felt her do. Andrea flew off. I was sideways on the horse and decided I wasn't going to make it and let go completely. I hit the ground hard on my lower back. My sacrum to be exact. Right between my hips. I got up as fast as I could to get out of my horses way and fumbled back down because of the pain. Andrea has made it right in front of my face screaming her head off. I couldn't think straight with the pain in my back and her screaming. I yelled out, "Be Quiet!" "I'm so sorry dad!" What I meant was. I ruined it. I was trying to have a good experience for my daughter. My running days started flashing through my mind. Everyone came around and Wade took screaming Andrea away. I laid there on the ground assessing the damage. "Your going to be fine. It wasn't a big horse. You didn't fall that far. Your going to be fine doing your running." Dad and Kathy helped me up and walked me around. I started crying, "She will never forgive me!"
"Oh yes she will. Its not that bad." he said.
Weird thing was I kept wanting to cry. It was like the tipping point for a lot of emotions I've been dealing with lately and it was all spilling out. "My mom hates me!" yes that thought kept me crying. My adult relationship with my mom has been nothing but hell.
I was really sore. Andrea's head hurt her for a couple days. I've been icing my back and after 3 days I'm feeling pretty good, unless I sneeze.
On the way home I kept telling Andrea that she was now an official cowgirl. Your not a cowgirl until you've been bucked off a horse. Now you can brag to all your friends! You always have to get back on the horse and face your fears. ----I'm not looking forward to it.
Love & Light~

Back to School Feast 2011

We had a back to school feast. It was very special. The table was set beautifully with my best dishes and fresh flowers. The kids wore crowns to signify that they are daughters of God. The food was so yummy. We had grilled salmon and zucchini, Caesar salad, wild rice, fruit with jello and grape/cranberry juice. We lit the candles and sat together. It was really nice. Afterwards Wade gave each of the children a fathers priesthood blessing for the school year. I even got one too! It was awesome and I'm so happy that my husband holds the priesthood~ it's one of the most important things to me.
Andrea is going into 2nd grade! We are all very excited and proud of her. Lydia starts kindergarten but not for at least another week. It was like torture for her to watch Andrea go to school and stay home yet again. But I tried to make it up to her by going to McDonald's and have a couple of little friends over this afternoon. I also cut her hair with bangs at her request. I think she looks really cute and reminded me of when I was a little girl with bangs, blond hair and brown eyes!

I keep thinking her name is now little Julie II! Its amazing how different she looks with bangs! She has a soccer game today. Yes it is soccer season and I'm so excited to watch her play!

This week I had a day filled with anxiousness.  Then I remembered that I don't want to have total control over my life. I don't want things to go my way. I remembered AGAIN that I want God to be in control and that I want my life to follow His plan for me. I have total trust that He knows what is best and good for me. I don't want a power struggle with Heavenly Father. Especially because what I really want is His way all along. I just get scared when I don't know the end results. That's when I use my faith in Him--and the fear goes away and I feel peace. He knows the end result in every aspect of my life. It's so easy to lose perspective! When I realized this anxiety was pointless and got on my knees and let it all go in prayer, I felt so much better.
Love and Light~

Timing

Finally Bella is on the verge of taking off walking. All weekend she was in the dirt crawling around. Which stopped a lot of her finger sucking. We are practicing her walking--one of the fun parts of having kids! Andrea is extra excited to assist Bella in learning this skill.
There is only a few more days until school starts and I have a mix of emotions. I like not having a schedule and places to go. I also like a routine. The last few weeks my girls have been working more consistently on their chores. I'm trying to prepare them for school starting. Problem with not having a schedule is it gets a little chaotic. The kids start wandering around and complaining about their life. Sometimes I go crazy when they are ungrateful. Lydia lately wants to know what we are doing next and what friend she can play with next.....When its time to clean up or help out the girls throw fits and have a bad attitude. Its always the worst when we get back from doing something special. That's what really drives me crazy! My kids know nothing about timing. Do you remember how you used to plot out when and how you would ask your parents something? I remember figuring out just the right moment to ask my mom something trying to have the best odds possible for her to say yes. Well my kids haven't figured that one out yet. I was so bewildered the other day that Andrea at 7 1/2 years old would ask me right before dinner if she could eat a piece of candy or have a popsicle! I told her that she needs to learn about timing. How many times have I given her popsicles right before dinner? Never. What chance does she think she has that she will get a popsicle? The other problem I guess is that she has no care for time. She can tell time but chooses not to care about it. I think she will continue to get the clue that time through out the day is important.
The crying from Lydia today is off the charts. I think it might have to do with our late nights over the weekend. I'm going to be sure that everyone lays down for a little while this afternoon.

At 5:06 my alarm went off and I thought there was no way I was going running with only 4 hours of sleep. I'm so out of it that early in the morning. But I knew I wouldn't be able to fit in a run later today. I drug myself out of bed and met my running partner. We had a nice run. Its always nice to talk. I got home and went right back to sleep. I usually never do that. I like to read scriptures with my husband and get started for the day by getting ready before the kids get up. Not this time. I slept until 8 something. Amazing!
I woke up the second time and thought about my long week of school starting and Damon's birthday and felt overwhelmed with my to do list. I thought about Heavenly Father and His hosts of angels ready to swoop in and help me. All I have to do is get on my knees and ask for help. Although He knows when we need help and knows whats best for us He has told us through His prophets that He wants us to pray to Him and ask. In fact He wants us to pray always. That would mean....all the time! I felt happy to pray this morning and ask for peace and guidance and that His angels would assist us today.
Love and Light~
I think I will be posting a lot this week~

My Creation~

I was in the store with all my kids getting school supplies. I was holding Bella when an older couple turned into my aisle. She stopped in her tracks and smiled brightly as she looked at me with my children. She said "Well she doesn't look a thing like you now does she?" I didn't say anything because I was weary with my task at hand and I wondered if she was really asking me that question. Then she said with a laugh, "A complete carbon copy!"
That cheered me up  and I smiled brightly back. Funny because my mom keeps saying that.
"Bella looks exactly like you when you were a baby."
"But mom the hair."
"Everything but the hair. I get flash backs when I look at her of when you were a baby."
I know I should believe my mom but she has said that about every baby I have had. This time though, she says that even more so then the others that Bella look like me. It was fun to have another person I don't know say the same thing. It is really fun to have children and to see the similarities they have to me or Wade. How cool is it that God gives us the power to procreate? Its awesome!

Lovin' Summer

Summer Lovin'

Having a blast

Summer Lovin' wish it would last!

One of the things we have been able to do this summer is go to the lake. It is by far one of the funnest things I have ever done with my family. Each of us had a great time! I felt happy and free from my worries and stresses. I loved to feel the sun and see the beauty.

When we were getting ready to get back on the boat to go home I saw a woman on a wave runner circling near us waiting for her husband. I said something to her about wave runners being a lot of fun and freedom. She laughed and said that she was actually a paraplegic from the waist down. I was shocked! She said that it was one of the few things she could do by herself as well as four wheelers and snow mobiles. I felt so inspired listening to her and I could feel her happiness--It made me happy!

Learning

 That is her way out there riding away! You can barely see her she is so little!

I had a joyous moment when Andrea asked to ride the knee board.  No the joy didn't come then. The joy came as I witnessed Wade teach Andrea. No the joy didn't come then. The joy came when I saw Andrea follow the directions given to her with determination on her face as she pulled herself onto the knee board and successfully ride the knee board for the first time. I hooted and cheered!
I'm getting a lot of joy watching my kids grow more independent. When I had only toddlers and babies around there was a lot of joy watching them go from infant to walking, smiling, and talking and discovering their new world. But then to watch them figure out some of their own problems, learn to read, wash their own hair, and ride a bike....that is a whole different realm of joy that...I am enjoying. I am in the most demanding, and joyous stage of motherhood. A couple of my kids are going to school and I still have a baby and toddler around. It is so fun and never a dull moment. I really love all of it!

A couple of days ago I needed to go for a run but didn't want to go by myself and invited Andrea to come along. She was super excited. I woke her up at 5:20 and she rode her bike while I ran. We got to main street and it has a slight up hill grade. Nothing very noticeable unless you were running or biking. She was having a hard time keeping up.  I put one of my hands on her back as I ran to give her just enough help for her to keep going. I kept encouraging her and telling her that it will get easier once we get to the street light. She was a trooper and although her legs I'm sure were burning she kept going. Once we got to the trail we were going downhill the rest of the way home. She was so happy to be going down hill. I explained to her that she did such a good job going up the hill that she could really enjoy the down hill. If she didn't go up the hill she wouldn't be able to know how good the down hill felt. I told her that that is why we are hear on the earth, to learn the good from the bad. I've also been trying to get my girls to work better so that they appreciate when we play. This was a great example of hard work paying off. A week or so ago I also had a conversation with her about Adam and Eve. I was able to continue that conversation by explaining about the fall and how Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil so that they could progress by learning pain and joy. Adam and Eve didn't know how good they had it in the garden until they were cast out and had to work hard for their food and they also had a lot of joy from having children they couldn't have in the garden. I hope to continue applying these lessons in life to the gospel to help them build a good foundation for their adulthood. As I was running and Andrea was riding her bike and we were talking I felt really happy to have this one on one time with her. I think she really needed it too!

Food for thought is CHOCOLATE!

I'm feeling the start of a cold coming on. Its not fun. I don't want to be sick. So I've been taking it easy the last two days since I have a headache and sore throat. I'm surprised to have a virus getting  my family in August. But it seems to be very light. At 2 in the afternoon I'm wanting sugar. I don't deny that I have taught my body to want sugar. I've gained a huge love for chocolate that I didn't have as a child. I liked "candy" as a kid, not chocolate. I still love my gummy bears and taffy but chocolate has become my new love of sweets. I love deserts. Part of me wants to kick the habit. But I think that would be a miserable existence for all of us. I know I'm teaching my children to crave sugar. It seems to be part of the culture that I can't get away from. We went to my moms for this huge dinner on Sunday. My mouth started watering when I saw the big plate of the most delicious monkey bread and a big pan of cinnamon rolls for us. It was evil. That kind of food is my biggest temptation! I had to be very mindful. ONE and only one cinnamon roll tonight. The next day I served the kids cinnamon rolls for breakfast and I told myself I couldn't have any until later that day. I wanted to gobble the whole thing up! I waited and waited and finally had one I don't know when and enjoyed every bite. After dinner we had them for desert after family home evening and they were gone. I was so happy they were gone! Wade bought See's candy last week. He hand picks each one. Every night for the past few nights he and I indulge after the kids go to bed. I think there are only 2 pieces left I want him to enjoy tonight. Everyday I'm thinking of what cookies or cakes I want to make for desert and stop myself. I throw candy away from one holiday just to be bombarded a couple of weeks with the next holiday--the stores have to advertise months ahead! Its ridiculous. If Wade said no more candy for awhile I would join in happily. But it has to be a unanimous decision. I'm thinking I will stop eating sugar someday because I'll feel crappy all the time.
Overall I watch what I eat. I eat what I want in moderation. And just because I'm craving sugar doesn't mean I indulge in it. Like this afternoon for example. I'm not eating sweets although my body sent a signal to my brain that said I want chocolate but really I don't. If I know I'm going to eat desert I cut back during the day and don't get too full at dinner. I think I eat pretty good. I don't buy potato chips except for camping and the left overs sit in my pantry until I finally throw them away. I only eat fries a couple times a year when I go to In and Out Burger. We have a lot of vegetables and salads with dinner. Sometimes on the weekends I will over eat a little. Meaning I get a little too full for comfort. But if I eat good all week its okay to relax a little on the weekends. I don't know why I'm talking about food. Overall I find it annoying; having to eat all the time to live.

Joy

I'm having a wonderful time with my family this summer. I'm starting to feel sad that school is starting in a few weeks. I don't want Andrea to be gone every day until 4pm.  When your the mom of 'little' children it seems so tedious doing every thing for them. Sometimes I think, can anyone do anything for themselves around this house? But as I'm watching them grow--I'm starting to feel a little scared. I don't want them to grow up and do everything on their own. I want them little and protected by me the Mama bear, lioness.

Andrea is so funny lately. She still has a big gap as her front teeth are missing. All day she has food on the sides of her cheeks because she has to take bites on the sides of her mouth. She gets tired of wipeing her mouth, I guess. She has been wanting to play with friends more her age and likes more alone time or following me around.

Lydia is my major drama queen. She has several outburst of crying and howling a day. Because she is unhappy with some injustice with her siblings or she doesn't like a decision I've made or because she needs help with something. She is also very sensitive. She needs more discipline lately but has to be dealt with gently. Andrea was invited to a birthday swim party and Lydia howled about it for two days. I just about went nuts. But she is also very sweet and loving when she isn't upset about something! She and Andrea have been playing so great together this summer. But like siblings, they either wake up playing or wake up fighting.....

Damon is very fun. He loves his naps and so do I. He is a cuddly boy but also rough and full of energy. He often makes me melt. I love how little and innocent he is--as are all my children. But since Damon is my only son I notice that I feel a little worried for him to grow into a man and face this cruel world. I want to protect him and keep him feeling safe, loved and happy.

I'm trying to teach all my children to be strong. I'm also trying to shelter, nurture and protect them. Its really terrifying. My favorite days are not the ones where we go to a theme park, or spend the day swimming, or doing something fun away from the house. My favorite days are the quieter ones at home doing the little things. I like the days when we don't have any place we have to be and we play the piano, read together, eat together, watch little house on the prairie, talk, cook, fold clothes, paint nails, clean up toys, pray, and dance as a family.

I look at my baby Bella and think, am I watching you grow enough? Am I looking at your face and seeing you change before my eyes? Am I too busy? Do I spend enough one on one time with you? Do I lay on the floor and watch you try to walk and figure out new things? Am I missing anything? And then I am glad for school to start in a few weeks. I'm excited to spend needed time with her. I don't want this day to end; this day of being with my children while they are so young and tender. In the scriptures it says that this life is a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God. Time goes by very quickly and this life is only a moment in our existence. My job is to love and teach my children.
That is what I will be doing today.
Love and Light~