I've been missing my writing. So here we go....
Things have been going so well. Its like I've been on a happy high since my surgery, going to the drags, and my birthday. But the thoughts of the holidays put me over the edge yesterday. I'm sad to admit that I hate the holidays. I feel inadequate and worried that the children won't be satisfied Christmas morning. My husband and I are still working on our own groove with our holiday traditions and how much to spend. We don't have the kinks out yet. That causes me a lot of stress. The thoughts of figuring stuff out with the extended family also throws me over the edge! I also feel myself slowly getting sick.
So yesterday just plain stunk. I sent the kids off to school and then cried and cried. I was supposed to help out at the school but canceled it so I could stay home with my baby girl and have a good cry. I know I have issues! This life is not easy.
There are times when I just feel the frustrations of living in this telestial world and it hits me hard. At the same time I know that after I cry it out--think of the good things, pray for help, it passes and I feel better. So after I cried. I tried to be normal and do my normal things and smile at Bella. It was nice just the two of us. My mom stopped by to get something. I smiled and acted normal. She helped me fold clothes for a minute. I couldn't help it and started talking about how I didn't like Christmas and started crying again. So Lame! She lamely tried to comfort me and I just wanted to be alone again. After she left I decided to try harder and got my kids journals out. It took me awhile to write in all of them. Lydia and Damon came home and we had lunch. I laid down but after a half an hour I woke up and felt anxious to get something done again.....
Today I'm finally recovering from my bad day yesterday. I'm wanting to get started on the Christmas decorations so I can be done with it. My first baby is getting baptised in a few weeks. That is adding to my stress levels too. I have two birthdays, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and a baptism all within two weeks. It would be nice if I could go a year without complaining about November. But now there is a baptism to plan and that means people to feed. I'm super excited for her choice to be baptised but then I think about all the things to do......
So I want to get the decorations out now so that its not on my to do list anymore. I've been doing a lot of business stuff lately. This morning I went out and cleaned up the property, shoveling dirt and weeds that have blown in. I put a movie on in the car for my babies and got a good solid hour in. I came home and dried off the car from going through the car wash. I couldn't stand a filthy car anymore. Its a beautiful day. Its a little cool but sunny and still. The kids are playing nicely and the babies are sleeping. We are working a lot in this house to be nice to each other. Andrea started crying the other day because she thought Santa wouldn't come because she has been fighting with Lydia. I hope to raise these kids to be kind! I can't believe how hard it is!
Love & Light~
