Oh dear here we go....
I have been debating on writing about this. I think I haven't known where to start. I also think its been painful for me and its scary to share painful things. What is the point? What good would it do? I think its a fascinating subject for religious women to deal with. I have been having a lot of struggles the past few months and on and off my whole life. My husband has been trying to joke about it by saying I have BD (boob depression). How is your BD today? My breasts which I had while my body was in full womanhood while creating life and feeding life....is now gone. Where are you?? I keep feeling angry and upset at our society and culture. I can't even be myself. I have to wear a padded bra to look like I have breasts because that is the culture. Women are supposed to have them. My bra doesn't even fit me correctly. Since there is nothing there holding it in place it is constantly trying to come up. If I loosen the straps to help keep it down the straps are falling off my shoulders. I hate my bra. I have no need for it. But I am a coward to go without it.--that's not accepted in our culture either. I'm not being my natural self anyways. I had breasts when I was pregnant and nursing my babies. They still weren't really big by any means but there they were. Now they have shrunken and gone completely away. Its horrifying to me because everyone and everything around me in this world since the day I took my first breath has told and shown me that even "orthodox" Mormon women are not to be flat. --That is my experience. We are modest and respect our bodies as a temple where the spirit dwells. But we are still normal sexual women who keep themselves clean, pure, and chaste to our husbands. We live high standards and every day implement and practice righteous principles taught by Jesus Christ and yet struggle to be living in a society who although commercializes Christmas, denies that we need a Savior or that we indeed have a Savior and disregard his moral teachings. I still feel the worlds pull on me telling me what I should look like. Its hard to escape. Its hard to figure out. Is it good to want to look your best and to feel beautiful for yourself or your husband?
When I was a little girl I saw my mother and aunts with their large fake breasts. As an adult almost all my sisters and sister-in-laws have them. My mother when I was age 11 went in for surgery because one of her silicone implants had ruptured. When they went inside they found her tissue with crystallized silicone attached to it. They said her whole body had the silicone and that they could never completely get rid of it. She went in to get it all repaired and replaced with saline (salt water). I saw the drainage tubes and a week or so later she had ME take the stitches out. It was all very traumatic. She was also very sick after that and acted like it was because of the silicone. I wondered if she might die. I was her emotional and physical care giver for a long time. She told me some day I would get augmentation because there was no chance I would have larger breasts naturally. "After I had children my breasts shrunk to prunes." she told me--and she didn't even breast feed. When I was a teenager it was easy for me to realize my fate. I started taking this mixture of herbs called, "Grow Bust" that was supposed to help your breasts to grow. I think I took it faithfully for a year with no results. It was a disappointment but I felt beautiful still. The media is brainwashing our children at extremely young ages. You see it on magazines waiting in line at the store and you see it on the commercials on TV advertising their newest garbage sitcom. If you don't have breasts you are unattractive and not sexy. I have noticed some flat chested models out there and they compensate for that with showing most of their skin. The boys are affected as well. I wont go into that...
I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel so ugly and miserable. After having four children and breast feeding each of them....I'm left with nothing but nipples that sink in. --I'm not burned or disfigured!..I tell myself. But something is missing. You are grown up---where are your boobs? The running made it all worse. I lost weight and feel like a curveless boy. Thank Heavens my hair is long again! I'd really be in trouble!
Seeing myself in the mirror is torture. I cringe. One day I said to myself. "That's it. I'm keeping whats left of them covered up and save myself the embarrassment." After a couple of weeks of that my husband was furious! I didn't see what the problem was wearing a bra....ALL the time. He has said yes you could use implants but you look beautiful without them. He wants to wait until we are completely done having kids and when we have more money. He has been very kind and never complains. Its all me. I'm feeling bad and insecure. Its hard to describe how deep these emotions are and how I can't seem to get over it. I feel like I have a lot of life stresses with dealing with regular life stuff....and then I'm dealing with this huge issue inside. I can't deal with it anymore. It is soo much work to be happy and healthy and yet this other thing is dragging me down. I keep trying to get mad at my husband for ridiculous things as if I'm wanting him to over compensate for my missing breasts. Its selfish. I feel bad for doing it and then feel depressed that I can't get over it. I know there is nothing more unattractive then an insecure, wimpy, depressed woman. I'm in the trenches with raising children and I can't handle being flat anymore. It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. I have to get it done. I can't get out of this society and its so ingrained in me that I can't escape it. I don't like it but here I am in the 21st century. This would be no problem if I was living in a little house on the prairie with no outside influences. I find myself wishing I could have lived in the 19th century. I would have been a great pioneer! If you know me you'd agree. I'm a tough outdoorsy girl...I mean woman!
I don't want to imply that all flat women should get augmentation. In fact the few flat confident women I see around I am in awe and envy and I think they are beautiful. Its more about how they show the way they feel on the inside that reflects on their outside. I wish I wasn't depressed about this. I wish I could get better. Its making all those "ragging emotions" intensified.
I know I'm going to feel better after augmentation. I've talked to a lot of women. One said that she instantly felt better and that her breasts are worth $100k to her. She doesn't like to show them off. She layers more then anyone I know. But she has them for herself and her husband. Others also say that its not a huge difference for the husband but they as women feel more confident and have more fun. Its a win win. Husband of course likes them but more then that he's attracted to a more confidant woman who is finally happy to be naked.
sigh....
The End.
