My Mother

 This is my mothers house that she bloomed into a beautiful place after a terrible divorce. I never saw her garden or plant flowers before.  I was amazed.

Mom with the geese she loves and they love her. 

{I was again amazed when she got geese, ducks, turkeys, and a swan. 

It was like I was able to see a beautiful side of her I never saw before. She let herself be more of herself.}  

I went to bed at 11. That is late for me. It gave me only 6 hours of sleep. Which isn't enough for me. Lydia and Damon, and Bella all woke up in the night.  Lydia was waking up A LOT! And I felt bad because when I heard her whining in her bed. I foggily thought, its not the baby maybe she'll go back to sleep.  So in my half sleep I heard her go on and on and on! Finally I was so irritated in my delirium that I went in her room. "What is wrong with you; whats the matter? Why are you crying---AGAIN??" Usually when she has a problem in the night she comes to my bedside and whispers to me and I help her.  But this noise stuff coming from her bed was extremely irritating. Aren't I awful?? What happened to my gentle motherly touch?? I blame it on my half sleep.  Sometimes I'm really ornery in my half sleep! Apparently Lydia had bad dreams and I don't think she was feeling very good. So I felt guilty throwing myself in bed after asking her to please go to sleep! "oohh ugh, why is Damon crying?? Wade please please help me--all the kids have been waking up." He is totally out of it and sleeping through it all. But he gets up and takes a turn.  We usually have it worked out that I get up whenever the baby gets up and he gets up if any of the other kids get up.  It works pretty well, since most of the time only the baby wakes up.  The alarm went off at 5 and of course was tempted to text and cancel my run but told myself to just get up.  We had a really nice run.  It had rained a little bit in the night.  I came home and felt so refreshed and in good spirits.  I stretched for a bit and rubbed Wade's back to help him wake up.  We read scriptures and I felt really good inside.  I was pretty sweaty and yucky so I got in the shower and still thought about how much Lydia was up in the night and how ornery I was.  "I will be much better this morning and hopefully make up for my night time delirium," I told myself.  Lydia didn't seem to notice my orneriness in the night and I was my nice mommy self and helped her get comfortable and gave her medicine for her slight fever. The morning went really well, and mostly because I got up early and took care of myself!
It is my moms birthday today. She is 60! I wish I could fly her in a jet to NY and whine and dine her. But I can't. On her 50th birthday I was in New York City with her and my brother eating at the "Windows on the World" restaurant at the twin towers. It was a fabulous night! So this 60th must be a big let down as well as most of her life right now. The kids had pictures ready for her. She was pretty exhausted from a bad nights sleep and sad.  She said she wasn't sad but she can't fool me.....I can't worry about it because......and I'm making her a beautiful German Chocolate cake for a big Luau party on Sat for her. I hope she will be happy. My mother has so many wonderful gifts and talents and wonderful great traits.  She has a great heart and taught me a lot.  She was a dedicated homemaker and felt it important to stay at home with her kids. She modeled that for me and was a fabulous cook.  I wouldn't be able to cook at all without everything that she taught me.  She is the soup queen! I gained a lot of skills from her.  One of the things that is her greatest quality is her generosity.  She is struggling with money right now. But when she had money she gave it freely and enjoyed giving to others.  She never expected to get paid back and always enjoyed taking people out for a great evening of food and entertainment.  If she thinks you need something that you don't have in your house like any kind of kitchen tool or something she can't stand it until she gets that for you.  I've seen her do this for all my siblings. She was the most terrific missionary mother.  She wrote several times a week and sent packages several times a month.  Each letter might have many dollar bills tucked inside.  When Wade was on his mission she made sure that we sent him money periodically and wanted to buy him new things when he came home that he had worn out on the mission. When Wade and I went to Salt Lake right after he came home she made a reservation at "The Roof" restaurant at the Joseph Smith Memorial building and when we got there they had a special table set up by the window over looking the temple with a vase of beautiful flowers on the table. It blew us away! She loves to be over the top! She was the ultimate Disneyland Queen.  That would probably be the greatest present for her birthday. A huge Disneyland trip with all her children and grandchildren and lots of spending money! She loved taking her children to Disneyland once a year.  She loves all things beautiful, tasty, and fun!
I feel bad. I feel like a bad daughter. I wish she was happy with all of us. I wish things were different. I hate this about life; the hurt and pain we cause each other, the disappointments, the expectations. I have great hope in the Savior Jesus Christ that through him each of us can be healed from our sorrows and weaknesses......anything and everything. I have great hope in that day and I'm grateful when I feel some of that healing in bits and pieces.
Love and Light~