The Plan

The Birth Plan (Normal Delivery)

NO IV

NO Monitors (except the first 30 minutes)

NO Respiratory in the room

Clothing: Loose tank top

NO Pain Meds

Camera/tri-pod

Positions to consider: standing up, hands and knees......

Midwife assisted labor and delivery

After the baby is born I want to hold my baby as long as I want before weighing etc...

No cutting of the cord for 3 or so minutes.

I'd rather respiratory didn't come in at all. Unless really needed.

My thoughts of womanhood have evolved since 2003 when I delivered my first baby. That was a good experience. Although I didn't have anything to compare it to. Everything went well. I had the expected epidural. I had the big mirror to see what was happening. I had no pain. It felt like an out of body experience. It felt like I didn't deliver my baby. I cheated. I just watched by body do it. It was a beautiful moment to see my daughter for the first time. I had easy labor, and pushed her out no problem, and very fast even though she weighed 8 lbs. After delivery it took awhile for the numbness in my legs to wear off. I felt totally exhausted. I was very sore.

My second delivery in 2006, I still wanted an epidural. I had the same out of body experience. This time the doctor put my baby girl on my chest as they wiped her off. I thought that was amazing. I had to wait a long time again for the epidural to wear off and was again very sore. She weighed 7 lbs.

Since then I have talked to a lot of women. (Relief Society activities ladies is the place to meet lots of different women!) Some women who have delivered natural told me their stories. I was totally fascinated. One woman said to me "my favorite part of delivery is the ring of fire." My eyes got big. One woman told me how she was in the tub at home, not expecting to be in full labor, when she stood up to get fresh air from the window above her when she felt her baby coming out. She called out to her husband, and delivered her baby right there standing up in the tub! Another woman was laboring standing up holding onto the side of the hospital bed when she delivered her baby. After hearing these stories, I felt that I hadn't experienced delivering my babies. I didn't know what it felt like to push out my baby. I am a woman. I am given this amazing gift to create life on this earth and I absolutely wanted to experience every part of being a woman. I wanted to feel the sense of accomplishment that I delivered my baby, and I know I did because I felt it. I want to feel bringing my baby into this world. I don't want to be numb ever again!

My son was born in 2008. I believe that an active lifestyle and intercourse put me into early labor. With little contractions my soft, stretchy cervix dilated fast to a 9 cm at 34 weeks with no time to do anything about it. It was completely pain free to get to that 9 since I had little contractions. Knowing how fast my other deliveries were, and the fact that I made it to a 9 already made the decision to go natural a no brainer. Let me tell you that my delivery was not pain free. I didn't have much pain until the baby crowned. And when he did.....WOW! It was the most amazing pain I had ever felt. There is nothing to compare it to. I yelled out, "HELP ME!" I was totally scared to push. I felt like if I pushed, all my insides would come out. It almost felt wrong to push. "You want me to push my guts out so that I will then die?" All of those thoughts and feelings were a matter of seconds and after a couple quick pushes, out he came. I did hold him soon after but he was working very hard to breath and they took him away. I don't want to talk about the rest of it. I spent the next 10 days in the hospital with him. It wasn't easy. But my recovery after delivery was easy. The easiest yet. I had energy in my legs after he was born. I could walk, I wasn't very sore because I didn't need an episiotomy. I felt so human. I felt soo good compared to the other deliveries. I was amazed at how much better my recovery was.

I am so happy to have made it to 36 weeks. Although I have experienced a natural birth I want to add more to the experience this time. This time I am using a Nurse Midwife, who is much like my regular doctor but with the womanly, midwife touch. She delivers in the hospital. I want her to be an active roll in helping me know what position I want to deliver in. What I want to add this time to the experience after birth is of holding my baby for an extended time. It is hard to explain exactly what I want but if all goes well with no complications and I can wait another week (because my CNM is out of town!) I hope to have the experience I want. Because of knowing what my body does during labor and delivery from my past delivery experiences it gave me the confidence to do these natural births. If I was in pain for 20 hours trying to get to that 4cm I would probably vote for epidural every time. I would probably think that I had experienced enough pain and enough womanhood. That simply isn't my experience and the way my body is. Every one is so different. But for me this is how it is and I am excited. I'm already 5 cm, so it should go fast and smooth! I'll keep you posted :)

Human Moment

My Little Lydie

I decided to share that human moment I had in my last post. I'm all about being real. Its too bad I am not perfect, but I am not ungrateful. I thank God every day for my children. I thank Him for letting me bring children in this world and to raise them. However that doesn't mean that it comes without hardship or heartache. I have been happily surprised some days while being on bed rest that I haven't had a harder time then I have. While in that happily surprised moment I know it is because of the Lords tender mercy and the prayers of others strengthening me.

I had a good cry on Wade's shoulder and we talked and after that I felt immediately better. Sometimes near the end of a difficult time we think we can't bear another moment, and it is then that the Lord is there to the rescue and with Him we are able to bear yet another moment and another and another until it is past.

Life is delicate, being pregnant is delicate, children are delicate, relationships are delicate, we should treat them as such.

Yesterday Wade made a picnic lunch for us that we ate at the park. It ended up being a beautiful Saturday. I laid on a blanket on the grass and was kissed by the sun. I saw the beautiful leaves on the trees and watched my kids run around the grass. I told them how happy I was to be with my favorite people. That evening I watched my family plant tomatoes. It was a beautiful day. I have made it to almost 5 weeks of bed rest and will soon be 37 weeks along. I feel excited for the reward coming. Happy Sabeth!

Low

My favorite places.
Can I have my body and life back please!!!???

My spirits are low today. They were low yesterday too. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I feel like hiding again. Although I do want to talk to Wade. But when he comes home he has no energy for me. That feels crappy. I wonder if I will really bounce back. Will I have a hard time emotionally? How will I handle being by myself with four children at home, one of which is a new baby? How will the children adjust to the new baby? Will I have any energy? I feel like a miserable creature. Wade informed me last night that he and the children will be going to cemeteries all day with his relatives and have a big bar-b-q after wards on Memorial day. I guess I will just die at home on the couch.....or maybe I will give up on this crap and go with them. I am feeling like I cannot do this anymore.

I got a damn virus on my computer yesterday by going to Good Things Utah to try to win a Disneyland trip worth $2000. Go figure. I am getting desperate for a vacation. I am craving Disneyland which I haven't for awhile. I've been patiently waiting for the time we can go again. Now I am feeling so anxious to go. stupid stupid stupid.

I ended up not being able to even enter the contest, and now I have a virus.

A word of Advice

If anyone you know becomes on bed rest do not say this:

"Wow to lay down, wouldn't that be nice."

"You should be happy to get all this rest now."

To you who say this I ask you to lay down for two full days and do not get up except to go to the bathroom and see how that feels.

I am gaining so much compassion and understanding for the woman on bed rest. A pregnant woman on bed rest is a miserable creature.

I am getting so close to the end. I am two days from the 36 week mark! I am very happy to have made it two weeks past my last delivery. I feel like this baby is half way hanging out already! I totally get the term "heavy with child."

Once in a while I get a phone call from a family member or friend who gives me lots of encouragement and say what a great job I have done so far. That feels nice.

They say, "Your doing such a great job."

I say, "I am?"

They say, "Yes! you have come so far and you are doing such a great job keeping that baby in."

I say,"oh, I guess I am doing something."

Sometimes I forget. I often just feel empty and useless....laying down ALL the time, week after week.

I did sneak out of the house this afternoon. Wade and the kids and I drove out to the ranch as he fed the horses. I reclined the seat as far as I could. It is a cool cloudy day. The crisp air feels so good and fresh. It really lifted my spirits to be at the ranch and look out across the hay field. I took a lot of deep breaths and enjoyed the beauty. I told Andrea how I used to work out here at the ranch with my dad. She said, "You Did??" I guess I never told her that before. So I told her some of the things my dad and I used to do.

I had a much better day today especially after my crummy evening. Saturdays are not fun. Saturdays only remind me of everything I can't do. I realized that I needed rejuvenated this morning. I hadn't said a heartfelt personal prayer lately and I think it is because I am so out of my routine and there is always someone here. We say family prayers in the morning, at meals, at night and sometimes its hard to fit in personal prayer. I took some time while the family was at church to do just that and it helped my whole day.

I thought to myself, "Is the sacrament important to me or not?" It has been a month since I have had it. When the family came home from church Wade administered the sacrament to me. I definitely needed a renewal. I also wanted to set an example to my girls the importance of the sacrament to me. I again remembered also how grateful I am to my good worthy husband.

I tried getting mad at him last night. But it didn't work very well. When I expressed my feelings he said he felt the same way. We are both having a hard time. He is trying to do 100 things at once, be the mom and the dad, and I am stuck on the couch unable to go/do anything. It isn't easy for either of us. But today I feel better. I think we both do.

Wish me luck for tomorrow. Mondays are always harder-it feels like starting over.

These are the Beautiful Flowers Wade sent me for out Anniversary!

Just when you think that things are hard enough, something else happens to throw things off. After putting the kids to bed I became very sick the other night. Some kind of stomach virus. I usually call the sickness the stomach flu. It is so awful and I always get it--almost every single year. And when I do get it, its bad. As I was throwing up, I thought, "this can't be good on my already4 cm cervix." So I call up Dad. He thinks that I am probably pushing the baby down further each time I throw up and that I should call my nurse midwife. So I just so happen to have her cell phone number and she tells me to come into the OB and get on an IV and meds to stop the nausea. Wade helps me hobble into the OB and my long night started. They gave me a couple different nausea medicines and those lovely shots to stop contractions. It was one miserable night. Those labor and delivery beds are sooo uncomfortable to sleep in. Luckily by the next evening I was able to come home. Only because my dilation hadn't changed. The only thing that changed is that my baby is at a 0 station. That means that she is pretty much as far down as she can go. I was so happy that the sickness didn't start me into full labor and that I am home. I was hoping that I could get a break from that darn stomach virus one year of my life and that being pregnant and on bed rest would give me a free pass. But nooo way that would be too easy! Phenegrin---is the best anti-nausea medicine! If you can get some for storage, you should!!!


They also gave me an ultrasound while I was there. My amionic fluid count was great and the baby is approx. 5 lbs 4 oz! Hopefully I can make is another week.


One thing I love about my hospital is all the people that I know. I recognize a lot of nurses from my other deliveries and a lot of the nurses I know from my ward or from my stake. It is a nice feeling to be under such good care. One of the women who took care of me is the wife of one of my stake presidency. I was telling her how much I love our stake presidency and what great men they are. I can feel a personal genuine love from them. Anyways it is nice that when I go to the hospital that I am among friends.

I must say this bedrest and going to the hospital and everything is a sacrifice for the whole family. I think that it is taking a toll on every one of us. Both grandmas have been helping out a lot. They were taking turns while I was in the hospital. Last night when Wade was serving the kids dinner and getting everyone settled for bed I heard him say, "I can't wait for life to get back to normal." I think he was trying to say, When will I get my wife back? All of us are getting tired of it, especially me and I have to just keep in mind how far we have come and how close to being done we are. Every night we pray as a family and ask the Lord to bless all of those who have helped and served us. It is amazing how much love and support we are receiving. My poor mother is getting so worn out. I found out that the night I was in the hospital she was at home throwing up too with the same sickness! But she came back to my house the next morning at 6 am to take care of my kids even thought she was still feeling rotten. Mothers are such troopers. Mothers make such sacrifices for their children. They do whatever it takes.

My thoughts of 8

Happy Anniversary!

8 Beautiful Years!

I was talking to Wade's aunt on Friday evening while Wade was working I was saying something like, "...in May we will have been married 8 years"....and then I said, "wait a second it is May! What day is it??" I couldn't believe it was only a few days until my anniversary and I hadn't thought once about it! I could have missed it!
What could we possibly do to celebrate? I geuss we will have to post pone our celebration.
I wanted to post a wedding pic but that would involve me scanning in a photo and that wouldn't go along with my bedrest rules.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It takes a lot of work. Marriage is selfless. I have noticed that if I "forget myself and go to work" (like the story with Pres. Hinckly) that I am happier. Not that I don't need to take care of myself, but that I focus more on doing good for others. What I love about being married is the growth that I have had from realizing my own weaknesses from learning how to get along and how to disagree without fighting. It takes a lot of work and compromise, and listening, and compassion to blend two peoples backrounds and personalities and form a family of our own. Marriage is realizing that there is more then one way to do something and that it is neither right or wrong. Marriage is learning what is really important and what things you can let go. I have learned that we have a choice. We choose to get angry, we choose to smile, we choose what words we use and what tone we say them in, we choose to say please, we choose to say thank you, we choose to say yes, we choose to say no. We have a lot of choices. We especially choose our thoughts. Those thoughts lead us. I think there is a corolation between being sent to earth to work out our own salvation to be perfected like Jesus is perfect, and being sent to earth in families. All I know is I am a better person today because of what I have learned being married and having children.

I am grateful every day for my good husband. He is so good to me and never critical. He never gets mad if dinner didn't turn out or if his hair cut was bad, or if the house wasn't perfect. I am so grateful that he makes me and the children a priority. He has taught me to enjoy the journey. I am most grateful for his good heart, and that he wants to do good and do what the Lord would have him do. He is such a great father and he seems to be able to be patient with the kids at the times when I am not.
The other day he rescued a bird that had fallen out of its nest and was flapping around in the rain and mud! He said he couldn't let that bird die that way. So sweet!

I really love being married because of who I am married to. I am not perfect and he is not perfect but we are perfect for eachother.

HELP

34 weeks and 5 days!!!!

I thought I would title this post help for two reasons. 1) I just finsihed a book called "The Help" at 12:30 last night. Very enlightening and good (but as usual when I finish a book I am left wanting more.)

2)I am tired of needing help. Yesterday was Saturday. A beautiful day. I was here on the couch. I really hate my couch now. I dream of getting a couch like Gary's someday. My sister came over and did some no-fun house work. I was very grateful and I think she felt good about the service when she left. That's how service is, something you don't look forward to doing but always glad you did. My mind games have stopped. I have surrendered. No more wondering about how bad sitting could be for me. I've excepted it and I simply wont take the risk. I want a healthy baby and I want to deliver the baby the way I want. All of this has to do with the fact that on Tuesday at my appointment I had progressed to a 4 and 70%---I've been good too! But this week I'm being extra good!

My CNM sent me down to the OB and wanted to monitor me for an hour. Five hours later I was released! Lucky I was allowed to go home. They were catching on the monitor a few contractions and being a 4 and 70 any contraction is a worry. They gave me fun medicine that makes you shake like your freezing except your not cold, your hot. Your heart is beating at around 140 b/m and you can't relax--no fun at all!

Luckily I wasn't in labor because after she checked me I hadn't progressed from that morning so I could go home. At the end of every day I am grateful to be closer to my next weekly landmark.

Yesterday, you know that beautiful Saturday I spent on the couch, I felt so frustrated. I have no control over my own house. In the late afternoon as I was laying on the couch I put Damon's jammies over my face, since that was close by, and hoped no one would talk to me. I just wanted to hide. Since that didn't work I went in my room, locked the door and took a nice hot bath. One of my children keeps acting out. She went out front this week and pulled the tops off of every single tulip. She is old enough to know how naughty that was. Wade and I were so sad about it! I'm thinking, "Am I not giving her enough attention,...from the couch?!" This will all be over soon with new and exciting challenges.
A family came over and took all of our kids with them to go swimming. I was so glad for my kids to do something besides play Go Fish wit me on the couch. We have been so blessed with all the good people helping us. Wade especially is grateful for the meals we have been given. It is the last thing he wants to worry about after an 11 hour work day--coming home to a wife with cabin fever, and 3 kids who need food and attention!

My Mom has been such a great help. I don't know how I would get along without her helping me in the house and with the kids. My sister dropped by with a Texas Sheet Cake!! That made me very happy! She heard me say yesterday that I keep hoping someone will bring over a chocolate cake. Isn't that nice?

Mother's Day

A few beautiful, magnificent mothers I know

Can we have a word about Mother's Day?



I often think back to one of the times I have spoken on Mother's Day in sacrament meeting. The one in particular I want to talk about was when I was in high school. I look back on it now that I am a mother. I think it was one of the best talks I have ever given. But what makes me remember that day the most was the talks following mine. Two mothers spoke after me. And as they each stood at the pulpit they sort of hung their heads....in shame. The feelings of inadequacy, imperfections, failures, and weaknesses they felt as a mother seeped out of their talks. I sat there stunned. "What are these women thinking?"--I thought. "What are they doing? Don't they know that they are wonderful mothers? Don't they know their value and importance? Being a mother is the most important job in this world--don't they know that?" At the time I was puzzled. And I don't know if it was so much as what they said but the energy and feeling that came out of what they said. One of the women was a YW leader that I loved and looked up to.

The day I woke up on Mothers Day and cried, I understood why those mothers gave their Mother's Day talks while hanging their heads. I understood exactly.
There is something about being a mother with young children that is so challenging (however, I haven't raised any teenagers yet!). The drudgery of the day after day cleaning up of the little messes was exhausting and tedious. Being a mother of young children is a lot of physical work. I've noticed after having 3 going on 4 children that the emotional needs of each individual takes a lot of energy. Each child must be given affection, one on one attention, read to, talked to, sung to......and some days go smoother then others! Some days I have felt like such a failure.


One day I was in the temple, after having a very hard week, and I was praying and wondering why I didn't have more patience. And then it hit me that I am being given the opportunity and experiences to learn and exercise patience. Hope was not lost! That patience is something I can learn line upon line---with a lot of effort and prayer. A prayer like this, "HELP ME, HELP ME PLEASE!"


I wish I could say that I have gained patience. But I can't. It is a daily struggle. It seems like I go one step up and two steps back. Even on bed rest I found myself a couple of times letting the frustrations of my situation come out on the kids.---then the guilt comes in and I have to start over.


One time I had this thought a couple of years ago. "This is my dream life? This is what I always wanted, to be a mother and wife and that's it? What was I thinking?" But almost as soon as that thought came, another thought replaced it. It went something like this; Okay so this is harder then I expected. But I KNOW it is the most important job in the world. Raising children is the GREATEST calling I could ever have. And it brings me tremendous joyous moments throughout my day--because of my children. And I gather up my strength and say, I have got to get over this hate for dishes and accept it, and be happy for my life. Because it is a great life.





I have a testimony of the importance of women and mothers. That we are vitally important in Gods plan. That without the strength of women-families would fail. That Heavenly Father watches us, strengthens us, is aware of us, blesses us, and loves us each individually. Satan wants us to feel like failures. And when those bad thoughts come we must get rid of them and strengthen ourselves with the tools we have been given. Prayer and scripture study fortify us and protect us. So I want to say to all women--be strong! Keep doing the great work you are doing. Know that your work is important although never fully appreciated. God knows us, realizes our inner struggles and HE appreciates us. Is that enough?

Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."

"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Husbands--especially husbands--as well as Church leaders and friends in every direction, be helpful and sensitive and wise. Remember, 'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.'"

"In light of that kind of expression, it is clear that some of those Rhode Island--sized shadows come not just from diapers and carpooling but from at least a few sleepless nights spent searching the soul, seeking earnestly for the capacity to raise these children to be what God wants them to be. Moved by that kind of devotion and determination, may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. HE knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient. If you and your husband will strive to love God and live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can make in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do."

Reading that gave me a lot of strength. May you not cry on Mother's Day. May you not hang your head in shame--none of us are perfect. And may you feel the peace and love of God that you are magnificent, even with weaknesses!

Love to you from me from the couch on Mother's Day!

Bed Rest Part 3

32 weeks approx.

Everyday this week went by better then the day before it. I'm getting more and more used to the whole idea and situation. By Saturday, 5 days into full bed rest, I noticed when I did stand up that my legs would start aching. But with some stretching I think it is going away.

Wade and the girls tilled the garden and planted a row of peas. I had a nice spot on the trampoline where I laid and watched. I should have taken a picture of my big 6 year old tilling the garden. She was wearing a jean skirt with her lace-up cowboy boots. I was amazed that she could actually run the tiller by herself! It was a beautiful day. It felt so good to be outside and feel the sun.

It is weird to watch what goes on in my own home and not be a part of it all. One day this week Wade had a busy long day doing his yard care business and came home and started unloading a bunch of left over soil into our garden. He came in when he was done and immediately started clearing the dishes from dinner. Then he got the kids ready for bed. Meanwhile I am just laying there on the couch watching. I felt bad. I don't think he sat down once all day. It is so strange to feel perfectly fine and have to lay down. I have no pain, or discomfort. The sitting is the hardest part for me. I could do more if I could sit up. My CNM said that we just don't know how bad the sitting is for me. I am not contracting. It is a confusing situation.

I'm trying my best to be good but wondering sometimes, is it really necessary? Is me laying down making that much difference? What if I didn't cook and didn't clean and did minimal activities in the home and laid down most of the day? It is a strange mind game. But there is no way of knowing and I need to get as far along as possible. I am happy to be 33 weeks and inching closer to 34 weeks every day. I'm grateful for the friends and family who are helping us.

Monday was a harder day for me. Its not fun...needing help. I'm a very hands on mom and I like to do everything myself. I want to take care of all my childrens needs and run the household. When Wade walked in unexpectedly at 1 pm (when he wasn't supposed to be home until after 5) and said that he was home for the rest of the day, I cried. He sat down beside me on the couch and I wrapped my arms around him. I wispered to him that I didn't want to be on bedrest anymore. (I'm allowed to complain a little aren't I?) It was a neat feeling when I saw him. It felt like a relief; "Oh there he is. My best friend, partner, lover, companion, and daddy to my children." I was happy to see him.......too bad I'm restricted to do things. wink wink
And with that I'll end this rambling and say nigh night!

Flowers from Sister