Over the years I have felt a struggle with feeling like I was beautiful naturally. In high school I set a high standard of my outward appearance and never went anywhere not looking my best. I never went a day without showering and putting make-up on. With the exception of camping and early morning practices. Although the camping is where I really struggled. I'm not talking about the camping Dad and I did with the horse pack trips. I'm talking about after being married and we would go camping with other people, mostly my in-laws and some of their friends. Many of them have these toy haulers equipped with full home comforts and commodities. So its one thing when everyone is "camping." It's another thing when you look like your camping, and smell like your camping and everyone else looks like they are going to church. Not very fun. I had this issue come up that I didn't feel beautiful without make-up. I felt like my eyes were small and that I looked boyish. I never had anyone tell me that I looked good without make-up. I noticed the opposite. That people were, in my observation, surprised and would say, "wow, you look different." Now looking back I can't blame them. If I look like I'm dressed up to go take glamor shots every day then maybe it would be shocking to see the natural me.
After I got married and started having children, it bothered me that I disliked my natural face. I found that wearing make-up and getting ready as if for church everyday was a burden. I loathed taking my mascara off every night. I hate hate hate trying to wipe that stuff off! And it never comes off all the way at once! Lotion, make-up removers, none of them work perfectly.
This really hit the fan for me when Wade, on a Saturday of riding four wheelers, tried to get me to go to the bank and make a quick deposit. I felt that I had three strikes out. #1 hair not done, #2 no make-up on, #3 raggedy clothes. He tried and tried to get me to go in and I refused. He was surprised that I wouldn't budge after his proddings and said that I had a problem to get over.
Although I still wouldn't go in with three strikes out if he asked me to do that again (or would I?), I still knew deep down that yes I did have a problem and wanted to get over it.
I believe that you have to have a little pride in yourself. Meaning taking good care of your body and that you feel good when you look good.
I took a shower. Did my hair. Got dressed. Put make-up on, without mascara or eye liner. Which means, a little foundation to even out and smooth my skin tone, color on my cheeks, natural eye shadow with a little shimmer, lip gloss, and eye lash curler. The effect is almost the exact same as usual except that without the mascara or eye liner my eyes looked smaller. Before they would sort of pop, and now the look is more subtle. This was a big difference to me.
Through out the day I would glance in the mirror after visiting the bathroom or pass by a mirror and looked at my face. It was a different look but I still felt good because I still got "ready for the day." I had to get used to looking at myself this way. Day after day after day I did this and I thought, "this isn't so bad." I eventually felt like my face was the same face with make-up or not. And finally got used to it. I feel a lot better about my natural self. Now when I see myself in pictures I don't see the huge difference I saw before.
