I was surprised when the wave of emotion rolled up and spilled out after I heard his voice. I didn't expect him to answer. It had been so long since I heard his voice. It sounded so good, familiar, part of my roots, there from my beginning.

I felt so angry last year at this time; bewildered, betrayed, hurt. Days turned into months and the longer it went on not knowing where he was, how he was doing, if he was okay, I felt that something inside me was missing. My loved one is lost. I don't know where he is. I couldn't ignore the love that is there inside of me for him. No matter what he does or doesn't do. In fact the love started to grow and the anger went away. I started thinking about him more often. The love is there. I love him no matter what. Although we don't agree on lots of things, and live totally different lives, we are still family. We had such a great conversation. I felt so good afterwards feeling the connection between us again and knowing that he is okay. I have a glimpse of what the Saviors unconditional love for each of us is like. No matter what we do, the Savior's love is always there.

Sunday

Today was a nice day at church. Such great people there. All of us so imperfect and trying our best. I'm loving the sisterhood these days. I finally made a roast for Sunday dinner. I've been so out of my usual routine with the new church time. Wade helped me get it together in the crock pot last night by peeling potatoes and carrots. The bad thing was all night the smell of roast kept waking me up! It was so revolting and suffocating! Wade also woke me up all night with his heart burn problems. I've got to call Dad and get a prescription for him. Even if I have to force it down Wade's throat! (J/K :))Went to a teacher development meeting tonight. It was so nice to have a conversation afterwards about raising children and things. It is nice to know I'm not alone in the struggles of daily life. We all have them and it feels good to talk to good people.

The most hilarious thing happened to us today. I made a big breakfast this morning and didn't get in the shower when I usually do and after I got out and Wade had came home from feeding the horses, he sat down to feed his fish and I got nervous about the time and said lets hurry so that we are not late. I don't think I looked at the clock one time. I was rushing to get ready and get the kids ready and their needs met. Wade was getting ready and got the church bag situated and I said, "how much time do I have?" He said, "none, its 47 after." I said, "okay get the kids in the car and I'll grab my shoes." We get in the car and drive to church. We walk down the hall and I notice how quiet it was. We get to the doors of the chapel and I notice immediately without walking in! that this is not our ward. In the lobby I can hear that the speaker is already speaking. I look down at my watch, turn around to look at Wade and put my hand on my mouth. I cannot stop laughing. I try to muffle it as I say, this is not our ward! He says what time is it??!! It was 10 and our church starts at 11! I cannot stop laughing as we walk down the hall. He says, "I thought you said we were going to be late." I said, "I thought you said I had no time left." He says, "I was only looking at the minute hand." He blamed my pregnant brain. It was so funny. I laughed all the way home.

Do you like your face?

Over the years I have felt a struggle with feeling like I was beautiful naturally. In high school I set a high standard of my outward appearance and never went anywhere not looking my best. I never went a day without showering and putting make-up on. With the exception of camping and early morning practices. Although the camping is where I really struggled. I'm not talking about the camping Dad and I did with the horse pack trips. I'm talking about after being married and we would go camping with other people, mostly my in-laws and some of their friends. Many of them have these toy haulers equipped with full home comforts and commodities. So its one thing when everyone is "camping." It's another thing when you look like your camping, and smell like your camping and everyone else looks like they are going to church. Not very fun. I had this issue come up that I didn't feel beautiful without make-up. I felt like my eyes were small and that I looked boyish. I never had anyone tell me that I looked good without make-up. I noticed the opposite. That people were, in my observation, surprised and would say, "wow, you look different." Now looking back I can't blame them. If I look like I'm dressed up to go take glamor shots every day then maybe it would be shocking to see the natural me.

After I got married and started having children, it bothered me that I disliked my natural face. I found that wearing make-up and getting ready as if for church everyday was a burden. I loathed taking my mascara off every night. I hate hate hate trying to wipe that stuff off! And it never comes off all the way at once! Lotion, make-up removers, none of them work perfectly.

This really hit the fan for me when Wade, on a Saturday of riding four wheelers, tried to get me to go to the bank and make a quick deposit. I felt that I had three strikes out. #1 hair not done, #2 no make-up on, #3 raggedy clothes. He tried and tried to get me to go in and I refused. He was surprised that I wouldn't budge after his proddings and said that I had a problem to get over.

Although I still wouldn't go in with three strikes out if he asked me to do that again (or would I?), I still knew deep down that yes I did have a problem and wanted to get over it.

I believe that you have to have a little pride in yourself. Meaning taking good care of your body and that you feel good when you look good.

I took a shower. Did my hair. Got dressed. Put make-up on, without mascara or eye liner. Which means, a little foundation to even out and smooth my skin tone, color on my cheeks, natural eye shadow with a little shimmer, lip gloss, and eye lash curler. The effect is almost the exact same as usual except that without the mascara or eye liner my eyes looked smaller. Before they would sort of pop, and now the look is more subtle. This was a big difference to me.

Through out the day I would glance in the mirror after visiting the bathroom or pass by a mirror and looked at my face. It was a different look but I still felt good because I still got "ready for the day." I had to get used to looking at myself this way. Day after day after day I did this and I thought, "this isn't so bad." I eventually felt like my face was the same face with make-up or not. And finally got used to it. I feel a lot better about my natural self. Now when I see myself in pictures I don't see the huge difference I saw before.

IT

Question: Why is IT stinky?
Can we talk about this, my stinky lady friends?
IT cannot be hidden or ignored. The stinkiness will come. IT may be nice and fresh in this very moment, because IT recently had a shower, but what...in a few hours?...By the end of the day!....IT has become stinky. If IT has to look strange, does IT have to smell strange too???? The fact is: IT is strange AND has a smell. Sometimes GOOD sometimes BAD!
I cannot imagine those, bless their hearts, pioneers. Did they accept the stinkiness and....like it?
Thank you modern day comforts! Because of you, IT smells good!
---that was brave!

Institute

These pictures are of us at the Sand Hallow Aquatic Center in St. George. Lucky for us it was a free swim day! The kids had sooooo much fun! (and of course so did Wade and I!)

I am feeling a lot of peace about my life. Are you so sick of hearing this stuff? Don't read any further!

I was thinking, yes always thinking!, about how I envisioned our life to be at this point, since graduating. I thought we would be moved on from storage unit managment, bigger house, better income...thats about it.

Thinking about the many many jobs that we didn't get and we are still at the same place and I feel that it is all in line with what is supposed to be. We do have many eggs in different baskets and hopefuly some of those eggs will grow! I feel that as we continue doing our best things will work out.

An exciting thing that Wade and I are doing together is that we are going to an evening institute class. Sooo excited for Wade to join me in this. Because first of all the teacher is my hero Sister Cox who taught me seminary.

She was the first woman I had met who was:

#1 Excited about the scriptures

#2 Energetic

#3 Being pretty was sort of a bonus (I was a teenager!)

#4 A scriptorian (in my opinion)

#5 A solid rock in the gospel.

She was so inspiring to me and helped me build my own testimony of the scriptures and made the stories come to life. And now here she is ---in institute! Right where she needs to be! :)

I did go to institute after seminary. But felt it was so boring and so sunday school.

This class is books Acts - Revelations in the New Testiment. After just a couple of weeks Wade and I have learned so much about the Apostle Paul! I've been wanting to study this section of the New Testiment where we learn what happened to the Church of Christ after the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We are really eating it up!

We have to continue on in growing and learning. Our minds are so forgetful. As we read the scriptures over and over through our lives we change and grow in different areas depending on what we are going through at that time.

Also, we are able to go because of two gracious young women in the ward who are happy to babysit for me for service!! What a blessing!

Worrier

Christmas break was not an easy one. Towards the end Andrea was having quiet the relapse with worrying. She started crying and worrying on and off about mommy and daddy dyeing. She is always keeping a close eye on us. The days weren't fun enough and organized enough for her. It felt like she made some disgruntled noise after every thing I said. Even with school starting again it has been slow to get back to normal. She is very clingy to me, always wanting to hold my hand and sit close, yet often seems unhappy with me.

Andrea came home off the bus and walked into the house crying.

"Whats the matter?" I said as I bent down to give her a big hug.

"I thought that you weren't going to be home because the garage door was down." she said through her tears.

"Oh honey, I told you, that won't happen again."

"I know but I get so worried."

(I unfortunately forgot about early out day once on Wednesday and was not home when she came off the bus. Luckily our good neighbor was home and called me.)

"So tell me about your day."

Andrea starts yelling, "I'm sick of talking and reading."

"Andrea I just want to know how your day was, what did you do at school?"

She yells, "I'm sick of talking."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"I'm going to my room."

She goes to her room and I hear her fretting about being hot in her clothes.

I let her have a little time to herself in her room and hopefully cheer up.

The next thing I know she is crying.

I go in her room and I find her with her shirt off under her covers.

"Andrea, Mommy doesn't like to see you sad. Mommy wants you to be happy. Please tell me what is wrong."

"I want my blanket," she says through her tears.

I go find her blanket and rub her back until she calms down.

Today she came into the house after getting off the bus with a big frown.

I give her a big hug.

"How was your day?" I ask

"Nothing was very fun." she says

"We didn't do centers or power hour and PE was just the same thing we always do."

Then she goes to her room and frets around.

"Andrea come and eat your lunch I made for you. It's on the table."

"No, I'm not ready yet."

"Come in here right now!"

She came stomping in and sat down to eat.

I continue preparing food for lunch.

Lydia starts talking.

Andrea cuts her off and says, "stop!

Lydia tries talking to me again.

Andrea makes a loud grunting noise and scowls at Lydia.

I said, "You let her talk."

Lydia begins again to say something and Andrea covers her ears.

I hear Lydia crying. "Andrea ripped my thing that she made for me."

"Why did you do that?"

"Because I made it and she is not being nice, she wont let me play with her toy."

I talk to both of them about getting along and right away make them clean up the living room.

Girls take a lot of emotional energy. Girls need lots of conversation, lots. The other night we had a loong conversation while she was in bed. Her asking me any question her little heart could think up and me trying to comfort and ease her little mind. I think it helped. I'm sure we'll have to revisit the conversation over and over.

Today I was trying to take a nap after church and laid on Lydia's bed to do so. I finally got frustrated with Andrea after several times she called out my name to ask me trivial things. Later that evening she told me what she was up to. She said that she wanted to wake me up to make sure that I was alive. That one really surprised me! I said it is impossible for me to die in my sleep. Interestingly I used to do that to my own mother. Except I wouldn't wake her up. I would get really close to see if she was breathing! But I won't be telling her that!

It is confusing to me though. Because my mom was sick a lot and I am very healthy-yet she worries.

Dear Someone:

Not feeling very well. Another letter stating that we didn't get another job. That is two in the last couple of weeks. Not feeling despair about it. Not feeling great about it. Feeling...like..the usual. Just wondering what is in store for us. I really wonder if right now is as good as it gets. What if I look back and think, "Yes, those were the best days! Together as a family all the time. Seeing these beautiful little faces and watching them grow." Why ask for more? Right now in this moment: my needs are met, my family is healthy, and we are together.

As we drove to St. George yesterday for a doctors appointment I took my husbands hand and told him how grateful I am for him. How much I love him for his goodness and obedience to the Lord. How kind and good he is to me and the children. Nothing makes me happier in the morning then to hear him say, "Shall we read." (reading the BOM as a couple) and then to watch him kneel by the bed to pray. It makes me feel so good and safe having a faithful priesthood holder as my husband.

Thanks for listening. Feeling better already.

The End is also a New Beginning

The year of 2009 started out with determination, confidence and hope. After countless letters of denial for jobs, the summer ended with the worst feelings of discouragement imaginable. We got through the spring by selling snow mobiles. End of the summer Wade was able to do a lot of automotive jobs on the side. He fixed up his parents RV and spent a lot of time getting it in good shape to sell. He put a used trani in a truck to sell but couldn't seem to sell the RV or the truck without giving it away and not break even. We were so hoping to sell them to get us through the fall. He came across an old snow plow for $100. So he decided to make the truck into a snow plow and try to make more money this winter. But we had a hard time finding plow jobs. But through all this we've had a lot of tender mercies. One big surprise was finding out that I am pregnant. Which puts into perspective again and again what is really important.

Through all this we've been so humbled.

The best times we had last year was the family time we shared. I felt a lot of Joy raising my 3 beautiful children and watching them grow. Each one is so unique and special. They have such great personalities and they are filled with so much innocence and purity. I am honored to be their mother. They teach me every day. It is so good to be together and do things as a family. All the things we have been through this year have only made us stronger and love each other more.

December was a stressful and special one. Little miracles came out of the woodwork as people gave to us. It was so humbling and emotional to be on the receiving end. I'll never forget the Christmas that I couldn't give and the generosity of others who could. I am excited to someday pay it all forward. Thank You Angels.

I'm glad to be done with 2009. It was amazing and painful. I went through things I never had before. I'm just so grateful for the health and well being of my little family. I'm grateful that my children and husband and I are together.

2010 to me is very hopeful. I think incredible things will happen. Including welcoming our fourth child into the world!