Dear Brother,
Its a little late at night for me---10PM! and I'm thinking of you. I know your out there. I know you miss me too. We have a lot in common still. I miss the down to earth talks we shared. Speaking of those talks, Mom's doing really good right now. She comes over quiet a bit and helps me around the house. I'm feeling like we are finally starting a healthy adult to adult relationship. It's nice.

It's been an incredible year for me. I've learned a lot and grown in ways I didn't know I needed to. It's been a nice Christmas season so far. Different then any of my other ones.

I wonder where you'll be this Christmas Eve. I read the Christmas Orange story to the girls. I remember the Christmas Eve we read that story and you held Andrea on your lap, both of you eating oranges. A nice memory. But wherever you are, I hope your being fabulous and having a great feast. Merry Christmas. I miss you.
Love,
julie

Christmas Cheer

After visiting my sister in Salt Lake and Wade having a couple job interviews :) we came home Saturday evening. My sisters husband got very sick while we were there. Unfortunately a little while after we got home each of us girls got the terrible stomach flu. First Lydia, then Andrea, and I could feel it coming on as I was next. Luckily Wade and Damon did not get it. Wade was right there taking turns helping each of us. This sickness is something I get very often. Once a year or every other year. I don't understand it. Even as a young child I constantly got the stomach flu. Its this one sickness I always get. The rest of the time I am so strong and healthy. Luckily it is always a 24 hour bug or less. But miserable every minute until it passes. I thought to myself during it how weak our bodies are. How easy it is to wipe us completely out and unable to do anything. And yet how strong our bodies can be. The girls and I took turns round and round throwing up and Wade emptying our bowls. Misery!!!

Through all of this at about 10:30 all three of us are still going strong dry heaving when the door bell rings 3 times fast. Wade goes to the door and opens it to see no one. He quickly closes the door and back to helping us. A few minutes later the door bell rings with some vigorous knocking. Wade is holding the bowl for Lydia and doesn't bother answering it. A few minutes later we hear someone banging really hard on the door. I am on the bed moaning and helpless. I hear Wade storm into our room and say, "those punk kids are going to die!" He puts his shoes on and his big coat and grabs his BB gun. I ask, "What are you doing?" "Don't use that!"

He goes to the garage door and is about to go out the side of the house to try to get those teenage boys (he is thinking someone in our ward), when his phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Will you please open the front door!"

He goes to the door and opens it to find a huge box filled with food and food stacked on top of it!

It was the biggest surprise ever!

Wade says to me, "Someone just spent at least $200 on food and left it at the door!"

This was not just any food. It was all kinds of expensive quality food. Steaks, turkey, lunch meat, bacon, sausage, eggs, juices, nuts, candy, pineapple, kiwis, oranges, avocados, gum, cookies, chips, salsa, cereal, dips, bagels, cream cheese, hot chocolate, milk, Ben and Jerri's Ice cream, sherbet, oil, all kinds of things!!

I was really overwhelmed (in the morning when the sickness past!) when I saw all the food. The vast amount, the variety, and quality was so great. Food that I could no way buy right now. It made our burden feel a little bit lighter. I'll never forget this time in my life. Never forget this gift of Christmas cheer. I hope to brighten someones Christmas like they did for ours in the Christmas' to come.

Angels really do live among us. As I was rummaging through this box with amazement at the things I kept finding I thought, "This feels like Christmas."

Damon 2008 Christmas

What to write about?

How about the new job we got and that we are moving soon? I wish.

Trying to think positive but it is hard. Some people say you should invision yourself that you have already received what you really want. Some people say you have to ask the universe and think positively about all the things you want and that the universe will give it to you. Well you wont get anything if Heavenly Father doesn't want you to have it. No matter how much metitating and wishing over it you do. How about being happy with what you have now? How about that?

Heavenly Father, you know what we need. You know our desires. You know what is best for us. Guide us on the best path that you would have us go and direct us to what would be best for us. These things we want and need but Thy will be done. Help us be good, serve others, be more obedient and cheerful. May we be inspired by Thy spirit and have the courage and strength to follow it.

Didn't have famly prayer and scripture study this morning or yesterday. Andrea barely made the bus both days. Just not getting up early enough. I can feel a diference with not having it. Also been thinking about the Book of Mormon. I love that book and need to get my personal routine going again.

Not looking forward to Christmas. I've been trying not to think about it and realizing today how soon it is coming.

We went to the temple on Friday. It had been a couple of months. It was amazing. We went with another couple and it was so fun. There is a young woman in my ward who refuses to accept money to babysit for people while they go to the temple. She loves to babysit and she did a good job. All my kids had been fed and were sleeping when we got home. What a relief. I hope to call her every month!! That is the whole challenge with going to the temple---arranging and paying for a babysitter.

Tooth

Thinking about the little things I am grateful for. Because I've been going without them.

Boneless skinless chicken breasts, you are amazing

Best Foods Mayo

Paper plates

salmon fillets

liquid fabric softener

soft scrub!! your the best!

air wick fresheners

eating out

liquid hand soap

Kleenex

Other things I'm grateful for

Lydia saying, "You've got to be kidding me." (she is adorable in every way)

Reading books and coloring with Andrea (quiet sophisticated and proper)

Damon's loves and noises

Daddy helping me with dinner

or helping me clean up

my home

my Tahoe

oranges and cranberries on my tree

dancing with the family in the living room

uninterrupted nights of sleep

Book of Mormon

prayers

hugs and kisses

smiles and laughs

Today my husband called me, "The mommy who cried, TOOTH."

The story goes.....

In July Damon got two front bottom teeth. That was 5 months ago. Today I said to Wade. "I think that Damon is getting his top front teeth." He said, "Oh sure, like you haven't said that before. 'Tooth Tooth'. Oh nope. Later, 'Tooth Tooth'. Nope not yet."

Now he doesn't believe me if I cry Tooth!

The problem was that sometimes his bottom teeth would cut into his top gums and make it look like his teeth were coming in. The crying "Tooth" that he said I was doing had me rolling with laughter today at lunch. How true it was. But he said that he thinks that this time I just might be right!

So yes Ladies, it is true. Totally prego.

I think I'm due end of June. Haven't been to the doc yet to know for sure. How am I feeling? I was in shock at first. Not as much as Wade, poor guy. We weren't planning on having our next one so soon but when it comes down to it they will be almost 2 years a part and it should be good. Wade says he is excited. I am happy about it and thinking how to squeeze another child in this house but then I think, Who cares. We will make it work.

All of this happening just adds to my thoughts lately that I am not in control at all of my life. The Lord knows what is best. I don't think I can go wrong having Him as my guide. Gladly take over sir~

Already I feel that I cannot keep up on the house. I felt like I was getting a handle on things. Now I simply feel lousy a lot. Just tired and my stomach doesn't feel good. But thank heavens that is the worst of it. My poor floor! I have to get to that this week. I mine as well serve Damon his food right on the floor. He throws it all there anyways and eats it when I don't get it cleaned up right away.

At fifteen months my son started walking! It feels like a miracle. Watching him walk around is so fun. I can see that he is happier. Now he wanders around from room to room making circles. He picks things up, walks around, throws things, walks around. So fun!

But this week I have two birthdays. One of them is on Thanksgiving day! AAAAHHHH

I'm going to try just going with the flow and be easy going. I'm pretty good at that lately.

Sunday Nov. 29, 2009

Had a pretty good week. When was it? Tuesday? A friend of mine, knowing I had a lot going on this week came over unannounced and said, "Here I am for two hours to help."

It was like a breath of fresh air! Yay a helper!! And a big helper! I was so happy. She must have folded 4 batches of laundry. It was so great. We got a lot done and good conversation too.

Birthdays went well, Thanksgiving dinner went well. It all went well. I felt a lot of gratitude for my blessings. These were at the top of the list:

My best friend, partner and love of my life.

My beautiful, unique, special children who bring me so much joy.

The family I grew up with, their love and support.

Sisters are uniquely special. Cheryl called me last Monday just when I started crying. It was so weird because I took a break from stressful things I was trying to work out and sat down to have a good cry when soon after the phone rang. I saw her name and decided to answer it.

Two good parents who call at the right time when I need encouragement. Or leave me good messages. They don't criticise or judge. I'm grateful that my Mom and I are getting along better then we ever have as adults. My Dad is a steady rock.

I am most grateful for people. Relationships should be cherished. It is something that we can take with us when we die.

The Period

I was waiting for you. Day after day. Hoping, expecting you to come. I got nervous you wouldn't show up. And to my surprise, yes to my total surprise, you never did.

new post

I've made a new post recently but realized that it comes up after my older one because I had started it and posted it after. So if you want to read it it is under post Love to You from Me.

Love to You, From Me

Thank you ladies so much for your love and support! If simply sharing my feelings helps you in any way....that makes me happy. And your comments give me strength! We really are in the trenches. We have to help each other. Yes sir it is good, very good. I've got some things I've been thinking about sharing that I'll be posting soon. These painful moments only lead to the joyful moments. And the compassion we learn! Feeling better lately. More myself, stronger self, better self. I can see how important our challenges are. How much we need them to learn and grow. Thanks again. Stay tuned, I need you wonderful sisters! Love Love Love

This picture doesn't have anything to do with my post. I just loved Damon in his skunk costume this year. The hat was cute too but not in the photo.

Also I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.


It is easy to get my focus blurry. Outside influences can be very influential. But they don't know me and my life like I do. I'm trying not to be influenced by anything negative. When my focus is sharp I feel peace and love.


One day last week I felt angry-and wanted to fight. I rarely almost never feel like that. As I felt that anger I remembered what my husband taught me when we were first married. That most of the time getting mad doesn't help anything. Deep down I knew that fighting would not help anything and only make it worse. I let it go go go. Fade away. And I was left with compassion and the feeling that, it is what it is. I felt success for not giving into a negative emotional impulse. I am feeling stronger.



I read in the Book of Mormon yesterday. I went to the end of the book in Moroni.


"Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you."


I have read that a lot in the past couple of years. And most of the time I am beating myself up that I must not have enough faith, or must not believing enough. But this time after reading it I felt differently about it. I felt that I do believe and have faith that the Lord can create miracles in our lives and that He does. That He does hear our prayers. That he keeps his promises. Whats the problem then? Time. The Lord has His own timing. I have to take away any time frames in my mind and be patient. And I do notice the tender mercies. Those are always there.


Another thought. What I truly want, is to be more like my Savior. And to always do His will. Well I can't be like Him if I never go through trials and challenges. I have to be tested and tried. And I think it is working. I feel myself changing slowly inside.



I had a tender moment with Wade last night after the kids went to bed. We had a great conversation about our life. It was really great to hear his feelings. It really is amazing what is happening. We are having to completely rely on the Lord.


We are having amazing family time.

We dance with each other.

We laugh with each other.

We eat together.

We talk together.

We read scriptures together.

We pray together.

We work together.

We play together.

Lots of togetherness happening. It is a great family life.

Today I felt this overwhelming sadness. Completely Sad. It was awful. I had rays of sunshine from my children. Especially my son crawling over and laying his head on me giving me hugs throughout the day.
The sadness overcame me. I got a call from a family member. This person gave me feedback on my blog stating that they weren't the only one to think that my blog made me and or my husband look really bad. After I got off the phone I really thought about it.
But I was already so sad and having a hard time that I felt like isolating myself.
I removed all my posts and had my cursor on the delete profile on my face book account, ready to end all contact from everyone so I could be alone in all my sadness and any critical eyes.
I held off on deleting the profile.
At 4:00 I was crying and thought that I could not go to my Visiting Teaching appointments that started at 5. I almost called my companion to cancel. But I didn't. I just let the emotions come and subside and still went VTing. I'm trying to be obedient here. No matter how I feel. Even though I feel terrible. I don't want anyone else to suffer.

Luckily when I came home I saw my mothers car in the driveway. The only person that might might be able to help me, maybe. Help me in my suffering. Wade went to his scouting. And my mother helped me a lot. She was a little cautious of me. I couldn't hide the pain showing in my face and she could read it. She really had the spirit with her to say the things I needed to hear and listen to the few things I can even say out loud. She helped me get my vision back.
thank you thank you thank you

I thought about the feedback I received on my blog and I feel that it is true. I am speaking the truth about what is going on. Admitting to my weaknesses and that things are hard for me right now. I geuss that may be uncomfortable for someone that I am admiting these things. I don't want to pretend to be perfect and I want to be more down to earth with other women so we can help each other. Isolating myself is not the right thing to do. Deep down I don't want to do that. My hope is that through sharing I might help someone else and be helped myself.

Any thoughts? You can comment anonymously if you want to. Is my blog too personal? I'm not afraid. I am curious as to what, those of you who read this stuff, think.

Bitter Sweet

my Grandpa died last night

it was just a little over a month ago that we went to see him
i feel so much peace about that
he was so happy to see us and we all cried. i thought to myself over and over "we made it, we made it."

Amazingly at 92 years old he could navigate a computer and use the internet. His mind was so sharp. He was such a good man. What a great reunion he is now having. Thank you Grandpa for the great life you lived, for the great example you are, thanks for all the love and the stories you shared.

"You know what Julie?"

"What Grandpa?"

"I love ya.

I think your really special."

"I love you too Grandpa"

This is me, my thoughts, who I am

I am happy with it

Tonight I had a farewell time with my primary kids. The valiant 12's. I am really going to miss them. We had a good time making cookies and delivering them. I felt bad that I hadn't done it before with them. I absolutely love teaching senior primary. It is very comfortable. I love the singing time as well. If you want to feel warm and fuzzy, go into primary during singing time.



I'm thinking about the responsibilities of my new calling and the sisters I will be serving. I'm excited and nervous. Now is the time to grow again. Just when things get comfortable, change comes.



During sacrament meeting on Sunday I kept thinking about the mother with cancer.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

During primary they were singing about families being together forever and I quickly had to look away and think of something else. I didn't want to cry again. The daughter of the mom with cancer was sitting right next to me singing her beautiful little heart out. I feel bad leaving her for someone else to teach because I want to keep a close eye on her. She is an amazing girl and now that her mother is in treatment she makes dinner every night for her family and is taking over teaching school to her younger sister.

When your mother is sick you grow up fast. That is what happened to me as well growing up. My mother was sick a lot. But not with cancer. It is a heavy load to carry. Trying to help keep everything together. I remember being so terrified that my mother would die.
The gospel has been my anchor.

I'm feeling peace about my life and the choices I have made. I feel the Saviors love for me. That is the greatest gift. I wish for every woman to feel that same love. It is there for all of us.

This summer during this difficult financial time for us I felt so insignificant. I felt discouraged and wondered if the Lord heard my prayers. I thought, "Are you really aware of me?"
And in that moment. Immedietly came to my mind something in my patriarchial blessing. That the Lord would look upon me very closely. A total peace came over me and I cried in gratitude. Ever since that moment I feel okay. Knowing that we are doing our best and that He has a plan for us. That He is there listening, watching, blessing me in ways I'm not always aware of. Putting my trust in Him. It feels good. Very good. I want Him to lead the way.

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?

And do you hear and answer every childs prayer? (even mine??)

Some say that heaven is far away.

But I feel it closer around me as I pray.

Heavenly Father, I remember now...

Something that Jesus told disciples long ago,

'Suffer the children to come to me'

Father in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, He IS there

Speak, He IS listening

You are his child (yes me!)

His love, Now surrounds you.

He hears your prayers (yes mine!)

He loves the children

Of such is the kingdom

The kingdom of Heaven."

hugs ladies! hugs!

Bryce Canyon

With our good friends from Oxford England

Peter and Sandra

We had the greatest weekend with them!

Mommy doesn't this look cute? Take my picture.

Mommy take my picture.

Our friends Peter and Sandra stayed for a couple of days. They are from Wade's mission. They are such great people! We love them!

I got out of the house....

don't I look happy?

It was a nice day away!

Tender Mercies

I keep trying to think of what I would like to blog about. But I keep getting distracted. My life feels so,... almost urgent. The small moments of peace and stillness I give to my children. I have a friend that I realized I need to visit and get our kids together but it feels like I can't give that time right now. My husband needs me. I have to be here for him at any moment. I have to have my mind ready to receive and act on inspiration and use my best communication skills to work together to find the answers to our problem---money. Is it the most important thing? That is a good question. It has a lot of importance. We have to have money to live. So the answer is, Yes! I think its importance depends a lot on what the purpose the money is used for.

Today started out well. I still can't seem to get up earlier. I have become neither a morning person nor a night person. And that is not good.

I helped my daughter get ready for school. We had family scripture study and prayer and she was off to the bus. The bus--that is another topic I could write about, but not today.

We seem to pray a lot in this house hold. Prayer in the morning, prayer before meals, prayer before bed, and all the little prayers in my heart to help get through the day.

My life is different when I start the day with a prayer. I can deal with things better. It is like the day starts with the right frame of mind and the right perspective.

My husband had misplaced a key to a truck we are trying to sell. He just put a new transmission in it. We have been looking for the key for a couple of days. This morning we prayed for help and shortly after, found the key. A tender mercy.

Monday we had no money. I was out of milk for my baby and had no gas in the car-also low on diapers. A man in our ward called that morning because his truck wouldn't start. After Wade replaced the fuel pump I was able to get milk, diapers and gas! A tender mercy.

I told my sister about it and the first thing she said was, "How Pathetic." I guess my situation right now is pathetic. But I am trying to learn the lessons I am supposed to and make the best of my life right now. We have never been so broke and yet it makes us appreciate the little things more. My husband and I are getting along very well. That doesn't take money!

My children were laughing a lot today. It was beautiful. One of the moments my daughter Lydia was laying on the floor and my baby Damon crawled (more like charging with his head down) right onto her and made the greatest belly laugh. They both just laughed and laughed. It was a great moment.

Life is Precious

Today I met a woman who was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer and she is in the 3rd stages. She has 5 children. I felt very humbled. I almost cried right there talking to her. She has a lot of hope to win this disease. But I am sad for her that she has this trial and for the battle that is just beginning for her and her family. Our life is so precious. Every day is a blessing from God. Every moment that we can spend with our children and loved ones should be cherished. Thank you Lord for my life and my health.

Trying Day

Despair go away
I don't want to see your face today
Fear don't enter my heart
There is no space for you there, just depart


Impossible? there is no such thing
The Lord can do anything
Possibilities, there you are!
I hate it when you seem so far


With you there is hope, stay by my side
Together we can lengthen our stride
Uplift encourage to the bitter end
Even if we fall, we will get up again
May the smile never leave the face
Together we will win the race


Who will succeed?
Well its not about speed
The ones with the smile and a kindess in their voice
It's all up to you, it's just a choice

Despair go away
I don't want to see your face today
Fear don't enter my heart
There is no space for you there, just depart

Soccer

The best little player on her team!

She is a go getter!

She had this look on her face the whole game! I think she tried extra

hard the last game for the Grandparents!

I have loved having Andrea in soccer. I think it has really helped her toughen up. Turns out she is the toughest out there! It has been a great activity that the whole family can enjoy. We have had so much fun going to the games. And the best part is that it last for only two months.

Just Peachie

These may look like apricots. But no, they are peaches. Everyone in this town got small peaches this year for some reason!

Inner Child

Dear Julie,
I thought I told you for years and years while you were growing up that when your children started school that you would #1 Wake up early and get ready, #2 Fix them a hot breakfast every morning.
The first day of school for your daughter you did each of those things. The second day you made pancakes but did not get ready. The third day your daughter ate cold cereal and you did not get ready in time for the bus. What happened?
Love,
Little Julie

Dear Little Julie,
Ive been meaning to talk to you. I’m thinking that the expectations you had of me as a mother may be a little unrealistic. I understand that it is important to you that I become the perfect mom you wanted. I’m pretty new at this and I’m too human to be perfect. I’m hoping that we can work out some kind of compromise. I will be thinking about what that may include and get back to you. Your daughter will not go to school hungry. And she is not waking you up to get her to the bus like you had to do growing up.
Love,
Julie

Roots

There is a quiet reverence you feel when you take the time to honor the past. Respect is owed to the road that was paved before me that led to my birth. I'm grateful for the people who came before me; for their struggles, strength, sacrifices, joys, sunshine, and hailstorms.

My Dad's Stopin' grounds!
My Dad used to farm these fields.
The old Farm
We decided to take our little family and visit my grandpa. It was a great journey.
Now if he died today I would have no regrets. I did my duty.

This is my sweet Grandma Vivian who takes care of Grandpa!

This is my sweet 92 year old Grandpa!

First Day

After I dropped her off at her classroom and headed outside towards my vehicle I had an amazing feeling of satisfaction as a mother. The thought was, "now I know what it is to be a mother."-----to be continued.

Andrea's first day of school. I don't know who was more excited. Her or me.
As we walked through the hall Andrea kept saying, "Stop smiling this is serious!"

This is a special back to school dinner inspired by NieNie.

It was the perfect idea to start the year. I was looking for a neat way to begin the evening as we started the tradition of Wade giving her a blessing for the year.


We had Andrea's favorite meal--Salmon, with rice, green salad and a fruit salad.

It was a special evening