So let it be written, so let it be DONE!

We took the girls to Grandma's house. Wade and I went on a little date to Chili's. It was great. I way over ate because they gave us a complimentary chocolate cake I couldn't resisit!
I thought about going on a last morning run but realized I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight. Wade said thats extreme to even think about running. I don't think so. I won't be running for 6 weeks. Ill have to go on lots of walks.
I had a restless night. We left the house at 6:45 AM. I couldn't wear deoderant, lotion or makeup.
I wore a big button shirt of Wade's, loose pants and slippers....and no bra! haha
The surgical center was clean and classy. The nurses were really nice too. I gave them a urine sample and changed into my gown and hair cap. No clothes underneath. They gave me an IV and the anesthesiologist came in and told me what he was going to do to put me to sleep. They gave me a anti-nausea patch behind my ear and on my hip and also in the IV. Apparently when they put you to sleep a person can get very nauseated from it. Doctor came (Doctor Marcus Peterson, he was great!) in and marked me up and said some jokes. I was really giggly and loopy already and especially when he put the sleeping stuff in the IV. They wheeled me into the operating room and I thought it was an awesome room because the beach was painted on the walls. I know I talked more and moved to the other bed but I can't remember because the medicine had kicked in. Next thing I know the nurse is talking to me and helping me put my bottoms on. They had put a white sports bra on me that snaps in the front. I'm supposed to wear it for the next two weeks. I don't know if I had my eyes open or not. I remember vaguely reaching for the nurses hand at least 3 times and put her hand on my cheek. I know a little strange. I don't know why I did that. I felt appreciative for her kindness. She gave me ice chips and juice. It felt like a lot of pressure squeezing my chest. It felt like an elephant was sitting on me. In the first pirate movie when Elizabeth fell off the wall and into the water, Jack Sparrow saved her and cut her corset off and she started to breath again. That's what I kept thinking about. Someone cut this corset off me so I can breath!! I was really out of it. Wade was talking to me but I had a hard time understanding anything. I started feeling a little woozy and weak as they helped me to the car. I was so tired my eyes wanted to stay shut the whole ride home. Wade gave me a pain pill and antibiotic to take. They also sent me home with a couple of anti-nausea suppositories. My mortal enemy--the suppository!! I put one in soon as I came home because I was feeling slightly nauseous and I couldn't imagine what that would feel like to throw up and make all my muscles tense and stretch. I was really sore and it really hurt to breath. I walk really slow and try not to move my arms. Doctor said to try to breathe deep even though it hurts to help stretch the muscles. I slept most of the day. Wade hung out with me and kept track of my medicine. I use a lot of ice on my chest. It sooths it and helps the pain. I started to get a slight fever. It was very very uncomfortable that first day. We watched the new Pirates but I couldn't hardly stay awake. I tried to be a tough guy and went to bed without a pain pill. It was a miserable night because it hurt to move and I had to lay on my back propt up. My body didn't like staying in one position all night but it hurt too bad any other way. At 3 AM I was hurting so bad Wade brought me a pain pill and I slept good another two or three hours. I went in the living room in the recliner with some ice and watched a little TV. I noticed that it was a little easier to breath. We went back to the doctors for a post op visit. He showed me some spots to push on to help the implant stay in the pocket as it heals. I looked at them for the first time. They are really puffy on the top and look funny. But once they settle down they should look just right. There is no blood. Just a little insision on the bottom of each one that has tape across it. The stitches disolve. Yay! This afternoon the insicion burns a little but its a little easier to breath and move my arms. We went to Costco and got some easy food to pull out of the freezer because I said I would not be cooking this week.
I wonder what my kids reactions will be.  I'm hoping that I will do good not to lift Bella. I plan on letting her eat on the tile or on my lap and not get her in and out of the high chair or crib. I think I will be able to work it out just fine. My older girls are good helpers too. Back to my icing!
More tomorrow...
Love and Light~

Ready Set Go!

Yesterday I cleaned the house. I mopped the floors, vacuumed, scrubbed toilets and tubs. Its like I'm nesting or something. I want the house just right to come home to from my little surgery tomorrow. The day before I did mountains of laundry. The day before that I made these amazing bread bowls and creamy broccoli potato soup. Well the bread bowls weren't the best I ever had but they were still good. It was fun to make and my first time making them. I just used my normal french bread recipe and made big rolls out of it. As I was making the rolls I all the sudden got this amazing feeling of happiness. I felt such fulfillment making dinner for my family. I also realized, "yes I do love to cook!" Problem is I get burned out and it turns into just a lot of work. Cooking to me is not hard but it does take time. Some days I cook. Some days I don't. Last night we had a crappy dinner of frozen pizza and tator tots. I hate that kind of food. No one else cared. I opened a can of green beans for Bella.

I'm feeling a bit anxious today and finally getting excited. I did a bunch of errands with all the kids since there is no school today. At 8 this morning I realized that I had visiting teaching appointments at 9. I quickly shampooed the girls room--badly needed and thought about canceling my apts since I didn't want to take all the kids. I remembered too that it was my turn to give the lesson and thought about the amazing Ensign this month on the Book of Mormon-- my favorite book. I read the lesson out of the Ensign and was soo happy that it was about the People of Ammon, which Wade and I had just finished reading about, and how they kept their covenants. The whole point of the message was to be covenant keepers. I love that! I love my covenants! I feel a lot of conviction to keep my covenants no matter what. It feels good to gather our strength together as women when we do our visiting teaching.
I took the kids to get some lunch at Wendy's and came back to the house to have a picnic in our backyard. I'm wanting to have a great day with them since they will be at grandma's for two nights. I'm pretty worried about it for Damon and Bella. I'm such a protective mother. I hate to have them away from me for longer then a couple hours. My girls don't know anything about whats going on. I don't need them worrying about me. I'm hoping to just tell them that the doctor helped me get my breasts back and that's it. I know they will be surprised to see me. It will be so obvious. After I stopped breast feeding Bella last spring Lydia said. "Mommy what happened to your....your....(she points) why are they so smaller?" ---yes it was lovely!

Tonight will be just the two of us for my last night of flatness! haha....aaahhhh!
I really can't believe its finally happening. I'm scared!

Now I'm going to hang out with my girls while my babes are sleeping until I take them to Grandma's.
Love and Light~

Annoucing the End....

Dear Naturally Curvy Friends,
Those of you who are naturally curvy. Those of you who are curvy because your pregnant or because you just had a baby. May I have your attention:
Do you know how beautiful you are as women? YOU ARE! Let me tell you that I think you are beautiful. I think that curvy hips and breasts is beautiful. The times that I have felt the most beautiful and fulfilled as a woman is right after having my children. My hips are more spread out and my milk has just come in making my breasts full. Although you may struggle with your weight. I hope you feel its a small price to pay for your beautiful womanhood.  So just to let you know if you don't know already--you are beautiful and attractive and blessed!
Love and Light,
Your friend Julianne

Dear Flat Chested Friends,
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! But I do not feel that way about myself. When I see you being confident while being flat it makes me envious and I wish I could feel more like that.
We know that some times are good where we don't care about the flatness and we feel fine, maybe even great and then there are the times we feel insecure and bad about it, or maybe you don't. My experience is that it is up (when I'm pregnant or nursing) and down (everyday I'm not pregnant or nursing).  Yes I am thin and fit, but this having no curves, to me is not a good thing--ever. After having four children its not a pretty sight. I feel a mourning for my breasts. Where are you? Where did you go? I have a large rib cage and wide shoulders and this large empty space. I've had four children and yet I feel like I'm still waiting to grow up.
I feel so depressed about it that I'm getting them repaird. I hope you won't judge me for this. I feel guilty doing something like this for myself. I feel guilty to be struggling with such a vain thing as if I'm not grateful for what I have. Its very complicated! -- I can't handle it anymore. In two days I go in to return the curves that are lost. I should be excited about it. But I'm not. Its been a painful decision and I just want it over with. I don't know what kind of example I'm showing my daughters. It can be looked at as good or bad. But no one can understand how I feel unless you have walked in my shoes--completely in my shoes with my growing up and back round. I love womanhood. I love the body I was given. I love motherhood. I'm teaching them these things. I'm doing my best. Think what you will.
Love and Light~
Your friend Julianne

My further experience posted below...

The Missing

Oh dear here we go....
I have been debating on writing about this. I think I haven't known where to start. I also think its been painful for me and its scary to share painful things. What is the point? What good would it do? I think its a fascinating subject for religious women to deal with. I have been having a lot of struggles the past few months and on and off my whole life. My husband has been trying to joke about it by saying I have BD (boob depression). How is your BD today? My breasts which I had while my body was in full womanhood while creating life and feeding life....is now gone. Where are you?? I keep feeling angry and upset at our society and culture. I can't even be myself. I have to wear a padded bra to look like I have breasts because that is the culture. Women are supposed to have them. My bra doesn't even fit me correctly. Since there is nothing there holding it in place it is constantly trying to come up. If I loosen the straps to help keep it down the straps are falling off my shoulders. I hate my bra. I have no need for it. But I am a coward to go without it.--that's not accepted in our culture either. I'm not being my natural self anyways.  I had breasts when I was pregnant and nursing my babies. They still weren't really big by any means but there they were. Now they have shrunken and gone completely away. Its horrifying to me because everyone and everything around me in this world since the day I took my first breath has told and shown me that even "orthodox" Mormon women are not to be flat. --That is my experience. We are modest and respect our bodies as a temple where the spirit dwells. But we are still normal sexual women who keep themselves clean, pure, and chaste to our husbands. We live high standards and every day implement and practice righteous principles taught by Jesus Christ and yet struggle to be living in a society who although commercializes Christmas, denies that we need a Savior or that we indeed have a Savior and disregard his moral teachings. I still feel the worlds pull on me telling me what I should look like. Its hard to escape. Its hard to figure out. Is it good to want to look your best and to feel beautiful for yourself or your husband?

When I was a little girl I saw my mother and aunts with their large fake breasts. As an adult almost all my sisters and sister-in-laws have them. My mother when I was age 11 went in for surgery because one of her silicone implants had ruptured. When they went inside they found her tissue with crystallized silicone attached to it. They said her whole body had the silicone and that they could never completely get rid of it. She went in to get it all repaired and replaced with saline (salt water).  I saw the drainage tubes and a week or so later she had ME take the stitches out. It was all very traumatic. She was also very sick after that and acted like it was because of the silicone.  I wondered if she might die. I was her emotional and physical care giver for a long time. She told me some day I would get augmentation because there was no chance I would have larger breasts naturally. "After I had children my breasts shrunk to prunes." she told me--and she didn't even breast feed. When I was a teenager it was easy for me to realize my fate. I started taking this mixture of herbs called, "Grow Bust" that was supposed to help your breasts to grow. I think I took it faithfully for a year with no results. It was a disappointment but I felt beautiful still. The media is brainwashing our children at extremely young ages. You see it on magazines waiting in line at the store and you see it on the commercials on TV advertising their newest garbage sitcom. If you don't have breasts you are unattractive and not sexy. I have noticed some flat chested models out there and they compensate for that with showing most of their skin. The boys are affected as well. I wont go into that...

I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel so ugly and miserable. After having four children and breast feeding each of them....I'm left with nothing but nipples that sink in. --I'm not burned or disfigured!..I tell myself. But something is missing. You are grown up---where are your boobs? The running made it all worse. I lost weight and feel like a curveless boy. Thank Heavens my hair is long again! I'd really be in trouble!

Seeing myself in the mirror is torture. I cringe. One day I said to myself. "That's it. I'm keeping whats left of them covered up and save myself the embarrassment." After a couple of weeks of that my husband was furious! I didn't see what the problem was wearing a bra....ALL the time.  He has said yes you could use implants but you look beautiful without them. He wants to wait until we are completely done having kids and when we have more money. He has been very kind and never complains. Its all me. I'm feeling bad and insecure. Its hard to describe how deep these emotions are and how I can't seem to get over it. I feel like I have a lot of life stresses with dealing with regular life stuff....and then I'm dealing with this huge issue inside. I can't deal with it anymore. It is soo much work to be happy and healthy and yet this other thing is dragging me down. I keep trying to get mad at my husband for ridiculous things as if I'm wanting him to over compensate for my missing breasts. Its selfish. I feel bad for doing it and then feel depressed that I can't get over it. I know there is nothing more unattractive then an insecure, wimpy, depressed woman. I'm in the trenches with raising children and I can't handle being flat anymore. It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. I have to get it done.  I can't get out of this society and its so ingrained in me that I can't escape it. I don't like it but here I am in the 21st century. This would be no problem if I was living in a little house on the prairie with no outside influences. I find myself wishing I could have lived in the 19th century. I would have been a great pioneer! If you know me you'd agree. I'm a tough outdoorsy girl...I mean woman!

I don't want to imply that all flat women should get augmentation. In fact the few flat confident women I see around I am in awe and envy and I think they are beautiful. Its more about how they show the way they feel on the inside that reflects on their outside. I wish I wasn't depressed about this. I wish I could get better. Its making all those "ragging emotions" intensified.
I know I'm going to feel better after augmentation. I've talked to a lot of women. One said that she instantly felt better and that her breasts are worth $100k to her. She doesn't like to show them off. She layers more then anyone I know. But she has them for herself and her husband. Others also say that its not a huge difference for the husband but they as women feel more confident and have more fun. Its a win win. Husband of course likes them but more then that he's attracted to a more confidant woman who is finally happy to be naked.

sigh....

The End.

Pine nuts and poop

I now know why pine nuts are so expensive. We went on Saturday hunting for pine nuts. We drove and drove and drove. We searched and searched and searched. The pine trees that had a bunch of pine cones at the base of the tree usually had a bunch of pine nuts. You couldn't scoop them up. They had to be picked one by one. You also had to pay attention to the color. All the kids did pretty good. Damon and Bella were a handful but we had our red wagon and toted them around with us from tree to tree. Lydia decided to fill her bucket full of miniature baby pine cones. Andrea helped out a lot picking the pine nuts. After 5 hours of picking we finally had 1/3 of a 5 gallon bucket bucket filled. That's less then half. WoW! We had a great time. At one point Damon was screaming for some reason and all the sudden a bunch of coyotes started howling. It was awesome. The pine nuts are so yummy and over all it was a great experience.

I don't understand why I have to tell you a hundred times to stop putting your poopy toilet paper in the garbage. Why is that such a desirable thing to do? Toilet paper goes in the toilet!!!
Speaking of poop. There is poop in my tub right now. I need to disinfect and clean it up. I was in a hurry this morning and couldn't get it cleaned up before I had to leave. When I saw that Bella had pooped in her bath I hung my head. "NOOO! Why?"--I thought to myself.  She on the other hand was all smiles. I scooped her up and ran to the other bathroom to soap her down.
I haven't decided what to do with the bath toys yet.

It is a beautiful day. I decided not to do any bottling this year. Its too much for me. I have a bunch of tomatoes before my plants all froze. I'm going to make salsa again. Why not? We all love it.
I bought these white chocolate candy corn flavored m&m's. They are soo good!

I have now written two posts about my flattness that I haven't published. I'm such a chicken. Those of you with any breasts at all consider yourself blessed.  I wonder if any of you struggle with the same thing and would like to read my posts. Let me know.

Love and Light~

Forget Me Not.....

If you didn't go to the General Relief Society Meeting broadcast last Saturday you really missed out. President Uchtdorf an Apostle of Jesus Christ gave an amazing talk. You can read the whole talk on lds.org. These are the highlights and key points. Don't Forget these things!