{I realized that a paragraph was deleted before I published this post and so I have tried to re-write it. It is in Italics}
I cried and cried. I wasn't sobbing or anything. I was just tearing up while doing dishes or rounding the troops to get in the car, or folding/putting away laundry. I felt a lot of guilt and discouragement. I don't want to yell ever. Why can't I not raise my voice to my kids? I wrote a long email to my dad. I had been wanting to call him for months now. I'm feeling like I need medicated I'm so filled with anxiety and feeling like I have a short fuse to out of control. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I think the real discouragement came too because I wondered if I have inherited these emotions from one of my family lines. "I'm doomed. Its in my blood. What if I can't stop this on my own? Is this out of my control?"It didn't help that that morning I gave up during my long 10 mile run. I walked the hills and full on stopped running near the end and had Wade come pick me up. I felt sick and horrible the whole run. I kept apologizing to my running partner. It was just a bad day. I think there was a few factors as to why the run went so bad. I think I needed more food. I think I need more rest....and a couple of other things. That set the whole tone for my day, feeling terrible about everything.
I've started to talk to other women a little bit. I feel them out and if the timing is just right I'll ask.
"So, how are things going with your kids? So, how are you handling things at home with the kids? Are you taking anything to help you handle things?"
One person said she has come close a few times to take something.
One person hesitated and then said, "yes."
Sometimes they feel shame about it and don't want to admit it.
One old friend of mine was really open once I asked.
"Oh yes I'm taking such and such. I'm a mean mom."
I said, "no no I'm sure your not mean."
She said, "Really, yes I am......."
She proceeded to tell me about her life with the kids and how frustrated she gets and how hard it is. I thought, "Wow, this isn't something that gets talked about but we all go through it in one way or another."
Some times I feel like everything is going great and I am handling the daily life really well. Then something shifts and everyday starts to feel hard and like I'm trying to hang on to sanity. I hate those times. I feel bad about myself for not being perfect and I get discouraged about myself. I try to pray harder, read more, and run. This time I thought I must be crazy because I am doing everything I'm "supposed" to do and yet I'm having a hard time--still. Its like this horrible roller coaster of emotions that I want to end. Sometimes when it gets to that point I feel like the Lord will step in and help me through. He lightens the load and somehow I start feeling better and more able to handle everything. But when things are hard for me sometimes I'll think, "Do I have to get on my knees every half hour to feel relief? Is that practical? Is that normal? Is that a happy life?" I also think that sometimes depending on what stages my kids are in will make a difference. Sometimes all the sudden the kids stages will change and it will be a little easier or harder depending on what it is.
This day though was so hard and sad for me that I finally reached out. I'm so glad.
I think the tears came a lot this day because I felt like I wanted to talk to Dad about my emotional roller coasters. And that is scary to talk about. What if my fears are affirmed and he thinks I'm a bad mom on the verge of crazy too? I was admitting that maybe I need something to help me. That may not sound like something a daughter talks to her dad about. But since he is my Doctor Dad and he is kind and level headed and has been through a lot I went to him.
This section was deleted, as best as I can recreate it:
What my dad said:
He said that he was so happy to talk to me about these things. He said that we all struggle with the raging emotions of this life. He said that I'm a good mom and a good wife and that I'm not crazy. He says that I haven't inherited some kind of mental disorder or anything. He says that our brain has this subconscious part that is like a little child struggling to deal with the emotions which is different than our logical thinking part. He has studied models on behavior and how people deal with life. He said that the scriptures refer to this as the "natural man." How does one handle the raging emotions of this life? It is an interesting question that he asks his patients. He doesn't want me to get on medication right now and that he wants me to study some of this stuff first. It helps a lot just to realize what is going on in the brain and to then control this subconscious part of your brain by bringing it to the logical conscious part. He says that medicine can certainly help me but that it should be a temporary help. He says he gets frustrated with some of his patients that don't want to get better by working on how they are dealing with the raging emotions of their life and want to be medicated long term. Sometimes he tells them they need to find another doctor because they don't want to get better. He says that we all deal with these emotions. He says that no one is perfect in handling their emotions. We are all working on it. He says he wants to continue talking about this with me and that we all should be talking about it to help each other.
Afterwards I started having an upswing. I wasn't so hard on myself. I realized I'm not crazy and everyone struggles. I felt the burden lift off me just realizing that I can do this because its just life and I can learn and grow and keep trying. I feel like I've been given a lot of tools to succeed as a wife and mother and I just need to take it one day at a time. One of my family members said to me that she read an article about starting over. This mom was saying that she is good at starting over. Everyday starting new and doing our best and if we fail at something one day or didn't get something done we can start over the next day. I thought that was great and I need to look that article up. For now I'm not taking any medicine but if I do I'm not going to feel bad about it and know that it is only a temporary help.
I think there is more I would like to say and I will continue talking about this.
Please give me some feedback and tell me: How are you doing with the raging emotions of this life?
Love and Light~
