Joy

I'm having a wonderful time with my family this summer. I'm starting to feel sad that school is starting in a few weeks. I don't want Andrea to be gone every day until 4pm.  When your the mom of 'little' children it seems so tedious doing every thing for them. Sometimes I think, can anyone do anything for themselves around this house? But as I'm watching them grow--I'm starting to feel a little scared. I don't want them to grow up and do everything on their own. I want them little and protected by me the Mama bear, lioness.

Andrea is so funny lately. She still has a big gap as her front teeth are missing. All day she has food on the sides of her cheeks because she has to take bites on the sides of her mouth. She gets tired of wipeing her mouth, I guess. She has been wanting to play with friends more her age and likes more alone time or following me around.

Lydia is my major drama queen. She has several outburst of crying and howling a day. Because she is unhappy with some injustice with her siblings or she doesn't like a decision I've made or because she needs help with something. She is also very sensitive. She needs more discipline lately but has to be dealt with gently. Andrea was invited to a birthday swim party and Lydia howled about it for two days. I just about went nuts. But she is also very sweet and loving when she isn't upset about something! She and Andrea have been playing so great together this summer. But like siblings, they either wake up playing or wake up fighting.....

Damon is very fun. He loves his naps and so do I. He is a cuddly boy but also rough and full of energy. He often makes me melt. I love how little and innocent he is--as are all my children. But since Damon is my only son I notice that I feel a little worried for him to grow into a man and face this cruel world. I want to protect him and keep him feeling safe, loved and happy.

I'm trying to teach all my children to be strong. I'm also trying to shelter, nurture and protect them. Its really terrifying. My favorite days are not the ones where we go to a theme park, or spend the day swimming, or doing something fun away from the house. My favorite days are the quieter ones at home doing the little things. I like the days when we don't have any place we have to be and we play the piano, read together, eat together, watch little house on the prairie, talk, cook, fold clothes, paint nails, clean up toys, pray, and dance as a family.

I look at my baby Bella and think, am I watching you grow enough? Am I looking at your face and seeing you change before my eyes? Am I too busy? Do I spend enough one on one time with you? Do I lay on the floor and watch you try to walk and figure out new things? Am I missing anything? And then I am glad for school to start in a few weeks. I'm excited to spend needed time with her. I don't want this day to end; this day of being with my children while they are so young and tender. In the scriptures it says that this life is a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God. Time goes by very quickly and this life is only a moment in our existence. My job is to love and teach my children.
That is what I will be doing today.
Love and Light~

First Half Marathon

 My amazing running partner April after the race showing off our finisher medals.

Wade and I took our kids with us to the Bryce Canyon half marathon. A little crazy to take our kids but that's what we do! Its a nice drive. We took the Motor Home which is so nice to have. The finish line was to be at a park in a little town and we parked across the street in the church parking lot. It was a nice spot to be where the kids could play in the grass. Wade cooked dutch oven potatoes and he cleaned up afterwards too!
I woke up at 4 am and got ready. The shuttle left at 4:30 to the finish line. It was really cold that early in the morning. They give you a bag to put your extra clothes in that they take to the finish line for you. They had a few fires going where people were huddled around. I met my running partner April at the start line. She said that she wasn't going to go for a pr and just wanted to run it with me. I felt a little bad that she would stay with me and not run her best but I also felt glad that we would stay together. My goal was 8 minute miles. We started off really good. Mile 2-6 was all downhill. It was beautiful. I was really hoping that the whole race would be down hill. At mile 9 I started to get really tired and had a hard time keeping my pace and it wasn't as much downhill as I hoped.  I think my partner got a second wind at that point! She was really good to encourage me on. I felt strong, but tired. the last 3 miles were a killer. I wanted to go faster but couldn't. Luckily we were ahead of pace the whole race and ended up finishing at 7:47 min/mil. My finish time was 1hour 41 min 59 sec or 1:41:59. I came in number 13 in my age bracket and number 150 across the finish. I think there were 1500 runners. I was really happy to run around the bend to the finish and see my family cheering me on! I was especially happy to be done! It was a lot of trouble getting there and dragging our kids with us and I'm so glad that my husband was so good to support me, because it wasn't easy. I felt so happy to be doing something for my health and wellness after having 4 kids. I felt so alive and grateful.

We eventually made it over to Bryce Canyon. We stopped at Mossy Cave and did a very short hike and played in a cold stream. It felt really good on my legs, like ice therapy. We had a great time.  We hung out while the kids worked on their junior ranger program packets. Its a free program for kids at every national park. They learn about the parks, how to respect the earth and wild animals and how to be safe. They collected liter and listened to a park ranger talk about geology. After they were done they get sworn in to be a junior ranger and was given a badge.
While the kids were listening to the park ranger about geology I was taking a nap with Bella in the motor home. Wade texted me a few times but I didn't notice it. He called to wake me up and said that Lydia really needed to go potty and for me to come get her. He said she was on her way. I grabbed Bella who was just waking up and rushed out to find her. The park was packed with people most of which spoke a different language. I kept circling the bathroom that had doors on both sides of the building, looking for her. I started to panic after I couldn't find her.I started praying, "Please please Heavenly Father don't let her get taken. Please help me find her."  I texted Wade and he finally came over carrying sleeping Damon in his arms. We were both frustrated. We quickly went to the motor home to put Damon down when we saw the door open and Lydia who changed her clothes and went potty and was now coming out. We must have some how passed each other. I was so relieved and by that time Wade and I were ready to get home! It was probably a total of 10 minutes or so but they were long minutes! There is nothing more terrifying then not being able to find one of your children.
We thought about staying another night but wanted to get home to teach our church classes. I was so glad we did because I had an awesome lesson with my 7 turning 8 year olds about how the Holy Ghost helps us.
Love and Light~

Chevis

I would like to introduce to you the Chevis. It is a 1969 short bed 4 wheel drive Chevy truck. My husband bought it when he was 17 years old. He has done a ton of work on it but still has a lot of work to do to get it show worthy. It's a very sentimental truck because the first date we ever went on was when he took me home from school in the Chevis. After that we drove main on the weekends and he would race people sometimes at the stop lights. We went on every school dance that year together in the Chevis and did lots of fun things. We love it. It used to be his daily driver. After he went on his mission I missed him so bad, without even trying to I would catch myself looking for the Chevis when I would drive down Main street. In the school parking lot the next year I would walk out the door and my eyes would gaze to the back of the parking lot hoping the truck would magically appear in its usual spot from the year before right at the very back corner of the lot. Seeing the truck meant I would see him. It was an awesome sacrifice to get to miss him for two years while he served the Lord. I cried every night for weeks but I was so happy at the same time that he was doing something so good. Now here we are 12 years later living our happily ever after! Anyways, we now use more economical vehicles. I think the Chevis gets about 8 mil/gal. We store it most of the time and pull it out about once a year. I can hear the truck pull up from inside the house. It sounds amazing. It is so fun to ride in. It has a lot of power!. He rebuilt the engine in college.
We almost begged my mother-in-law to please come over last night so that I could go on a little date with my husband in the Chevis. It felt just like old times! It felt like a time warp back to when we first met. We went up main street to a fun little Thai restaurant. Its funny because recently I passed that restaurant I thought to myself and sighed, "I'll never get to try that place out." The food was amazing and hot just the way I like it! We had a ball and talked. My husband doesn't read my blog and I told him about my recent post and the comments on "Raging Emotions." He thought it was great and thinks that its a good idea to share and help each other. He is such a great man! After that we went to Wal-mart...how romantic right? Well I needed to get an arm band for my phone before the race. We also picked up the Rocky movies and the old Karate Kid movies. He was pretty excited about that!
It was a fun time for a full hour in a half!!
Love and Light~

Running Around

I'm getting ready for my big race on Saturday. The race is said to be extremely down hill. I had Wade drop me off at the top of the subdivision close to my house that is as steep as I can get. I found it difficult to figure out how fast to go. I think I ran too fast at first because I lost steam at the end of my 5 mile run. Wow it really kicked my butt. My shins or calves or something ached me all night.  I'm a little worried now that I've not been training on enough down hills. When I got back from my run my kids were at the curb cheering for me. It was great. My girls begged to go on a run with me. After about 40 minutes of resting I went on a little 1 mile jog with them. It was really fun to run with my 5 and 7 year old. I couldn't believe how well they did. They didn't stop and chattered. I also noticed that they each had a very different running style. While we jogged I envisioned us running together as they grow into adulthood. I think, what a gift to give your child. Teaching them to love exercise and how to take care of their bodies and to do hard things and feel good doing it. Lydia said, "Maybe other kids will see us while we run and want to run with their mommies too."

I have felt really good today and happy. I look around at my house, that I chip away at constantly but never seems to look in order. I'm enjoying my life with my kids and husband. We all had a dental cleaning today and went at the same time. It was crazy! The dentist is such a nice family guy, I think he liked the kids running around!  Andrea told me today that she is going to change her name when she gets older. That makes me a little sad to think she doesn't like her name. I hope that she changes her mind. Its hard because we tried and thought seriously about each of our kids names and we love each one.
The girls room is a big mess. I decided to let them keep it that way and keep all their toys out. I'm glad I did because they are really having a good time. They made beds for themselves on the floor where they have slept the past two nights with their toys set up around them. Its funny how kids don't notice where they sleep. It could be on their bed, on the couch or on the floor and they wouldn't notice a difference!
Love and Light~

Raging Emotions Part 1 {Revised}

{I realized that a paragraph was deleted before I published this post and so I have tried to re-write it. It is in Italics}

I cried and cried. I wasn't sobbing or anything. I was just tearing up while doing dishes or rounding the troops to get in the car, or folding/putting away laundry. I felt a lot of guilt and discouragement. I don't want to yell ever. Why can't I not raise my voice to my kids? I wrote a long email to my dad. I had been wanting to call him for months now. I'm feeling like I need medicated I'm so filled with anxiety and feeling like I have a short fuse to out of control. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I think the real discouragement came too because I wondered if I have inherited these emotions from one of my family lines. "I'm doomed. Its in my blood. What if I can't stop this on my own? Is this out of my control?"
It didn't help that that morning I gave up during my long 10 mile run. I walked the hills and full on stopped running near the end and had Wade come pick me up. I felt sick and horrible the whole run. I kept apologizing to my running partner.  It was just a bad day. I think there was a few factors as to why the run went so bad. I think I needed more food. I think I need more rest....and a couple of other things. That set the whole tone for my day, feeling terrible about everything.

I've started to talk to other women a little bit. I feel them out and if the timing is just right I'll ask.
"So, how are things going with your kids? So, how are you handling things at home with the kids? Are you taking anything to help you handle things?"
One person said she has come close a few times to take something.
One person hesitated and then said, "yes."
Sometimes they feel shame about it and don't want to admit it.
One old friend of mine was really open once I asked.
"Oh yes I'm taking such and such. I'm a mean mom."
I said, "no no I'm sure your not mean."
She said, "Really, yes I am......."
She proceeded to tell me about her life with the kids and how frustrated she gets and how hard it is.  I thought, "Wow, this isn't something that gets talked about but we all go through it in one way or another."
Some times I feel like everything is going great and I am handling the daily life really well. Then something shifts and everyday starts to feel hard and like I'm trying to hang on to sanity. I hate those times. I feel bad about myself for not being perfect and I get discouraged about myself. I try to pray harder, read more, and run. This time I thought I must be crazy because I am doing everything I'm "supposed" to do and yet I'm having a hard time--still. Its like this horrible roller coaster of emotions that I want to end. Sometimes when it gets to that point I feel like the Lord will step in and help me through. He lightens the load and somehow I start feeling better and more able to handle everything. But when things are hard for me sometimes I'll think, "Do I have to get on my knees every half hour to feel relief? Is that practical? Is that normal? Is that a happy life?" I also think that sometimes depending on what stages my kids are in will make a difference. Sometimes all the sudden the kids stages will change and it will be a little easier or harder depending on what it is.
This day though was so hard and sad for me that I finally reached out. I'm so glad.
I think the tears came a lot this day because I felt like I wanted to talk to Dad about my emotional roller coasters. And that is scary to talk about. What if my fears are affirmed and he thinks I'm a bad mom on the verge of crazy too? I was admitting that maybe I need something to help me. That may not sound like something a daughter talks to her dad about. But since he is my Doctor Dad and he is kind and level headed and has been through a lot I went to him.

This section was deleted, as best as I can recreate it:
What my dad said:
He said that he was so happy to talk to me about these things. He said that we all struggle with the raging emotions of this life. He said that I'm a good mom and a good wife and that I'm not crazy. He says that I haven't inherited some kind of mental disorder or anything. He says that our brain has this subconscious part that is like a little child struggling to deal with the emotions which is different than our logical thinking part. He has studied models on behavior and how people deal with life. He said that the scriptures refer to this as the "natural man." How does one handle the raging emotions of this life? It is an interesting question that he asks his patients. He doesn't want me to get on medication right now and that he wants me to study some of this stuff first. It helps a lot just to realize what is going on in the brain and to then control this subconscious part of your brain by bringing it to the logical conscious part. He says that medicine can certainly help me but that it should be a temporary help. He says he gets frustrated with some of his patients that don't want to get better by working on how they are dealing with the raging emotions of their life and want to be medicated long term. Sometimes he tells them they need to find another doctor because they don't want to get better. He says that we all deal with these emotions. He says that no one is perfect in handling their emotions. We are all working on it. He says he wants to continue talking about this with me and that we all should be talking about it to help each other.

Afterwards I started having an upswing. I wasn't so hard on myself. I realized I'm not crazy and everyone struggles. I felt the burden lift off me just realizing that I can do this because its just life and I can learn and grow and keep trying. I feel like I've been given a lot of tools to succeed as a wife and mother and I just need to take it one day at a time. One of my family members said to me that she read an article about starting over. This mom was saying that she is good at starting over. Everyday starting new and doing our best and if we fail at something one day or didn't get something done we can start over the next day. I thought that was great and I need to look that article up. For now I'm not taking any medicine but if I do I'm not going to feel bad about it and know that it is only a temporary help.
I think there is more I would like to say and I will continue talking about this.
Please give me some feedback and tell me: How are you doing with the raging emotions of this life?
Love and Light~

Hello Again

I know I haven't been talking much. But things are going well. I'm enjoying the summer and plugging along. Its a lot of work no matter what I do. I suppose its just part of who I am....working hard, finding work to do. But raising kids is hard work, even when I do try to relax. Yesterday I had a hard time just relaxing and decided to weed part of the garden. It was awful because I also discovered that nothing was growing in one whole row. I'm not happy about it. I'm thinking that the seeds were pushed in too deep. I thought, "Why do I have a garden? My kids are too little to help out a lot and Wade and I can't even work on it together because of the baby. I'm not having a garden next year. Why ad another task to my plate....blah blah blah." The thoughts were rolling in. I did feel good afterwards. I couldn't help that because working in the dirt just makes you feel good.
I have been struggling lately a little bit with wanting to be upset. Why would a person want to be upset? I have no idea but I told myself to knock it off and be happy about things. Let go about the things I can't control and be grateful. Wow, what a difference that makes. Its like the circumstances didn't change, but my attitude did. I hope I can make it last so I don't have to tell myself to knock it off again......for awhile.
I had a great 10 miler this morning. This time I felt good. I marveled at how bad I felt the last time I ran that far and felt happy that this time I felt good. But now my legs are cramping up and my back is sore from weeding. My half marathon is in two weeks. I'm really excited.
This weekend was fun with the kids. Wade and I often just laugh and watch the kids.
Its a happy busy time.
Love and Light~
My post about honest emotions will be published tomorrow.