Memoirs of a Mommy

Monday, November 21, 2011

Sunday Afternoon Ramble

Church went well today. I think that Bella was much better than usual. Andrea had her Bishop interview to see if she is ready for baptism. It was very exciting as she prepared to leave. She has a good understanding of the basic principles of the gospel and wants to follow Jesus Christ. Earlier this morning she got very upset at her.....homework. Which I'm encouraging her to not do on Sundays. She is a serious girl and gets upset and frustrated easily. I heard her say that she wishes she never came down to earth because it is too hard. I was very sad and concerned and thought, "What 7 year old says that?" Is her life so hard? Is it because of me? Is homework and her not getting along with her siblings making her want to leave this earth?? I don't know if I should get mad that she isn't being grateful, scared because she needs some serious counseling or what! Is she just wanting a deep conversation and attention from me? That's what she got. We talked it all out. I'm thinking in the back of my head that she needs more positive reinforcement from me. Parenting is getting harder. I'm feeling inadequate.

Those raging emotions are really slamming me lately. One minute I'm feeling so good about things and the next I'm throwing something and crying! Its crazy but sometimes I like to throw things. Rags, brushes, shoes, toys. Usually I throw something when I'm alone and about to cry. Its wonderful. The other day I was crying and looking out my back window and had the urge to go shovel a bunch of dirt as fast as I could. I haven't ran in 4 weeks. I've really missed the fresh air and physical release. I finally went a couple of days ago with my friend again. I wore two sports bras and found it uncomfortably snug. When I got home Wade asked how my "walk" went. I told him I ended up jogging. He was not happy. Doctor said 4 weeks and I went running 3 days too soon. I've really transgressed. I'm actually a little sore (in my legs) and feel a little out of shape but not too bad. I hope to go all this week.
Back to the raging emotions. If running this week doesn't help than I'm going to give my dad another call. I'm wondering if I need something to get me through the holidays. Oh the guilt and pain to have this thought go through my head but its been bad for me lately. I'm sure he will just talk me out of it...again. Talking helps me a lot too. Its weird how it all got better and now its like the stress of the holidays is bringing it all back.

I'm going to the temple this week!!! I'm soo happy and looking forward to it. After black Friday shopping we are going to the temple! I love the temple and I know I am strengthened and blessed when I go. It also helps strengthen my marriage. I didn't realize that we were so consistent at going to the temple. We miss two or three months once in awhile. But we don't usually go longer then that. I have a friend that a few years ago we used to switch every month for at least a year. We started switching a little bit again. The reason I bring this up is because recently I watched another of my friends children while her and her husband went to the temple. What was shocking to me was that they haven't been to the temple since their children have been born and their oldest is 6. They have also never done sealings together. This really saddened me. I was so thrilled to help them go. It made me think a lot about the importance of going to the temple and also how hard it is to go when you have young children. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming to schedule someone to watch the kids for 5 hours...and I'm trying to always find free babysitting! -that makes it trickier!
It is WORTH it! Worth all the inconvenience and stress. It takes a lot of planning. I wonder when I go to church and see the good families there, who among them haven't been to the temple for a long time or they haven't been there for the first time. I hope to be more sensitive to those around me because I now know that I can't assume that everyone is going regularly. My primary teaching partner has a few boys who have some problems and she mentioned to me that she and her husband haven't been back to the temple since they got sealed earlier this year. They have no one to watch those boys who need adult--not teenage--supervision. I told her today that I want to watch those boys sometime soon before Christmas so they can go to the temple. However hard this will be for me to watch them, I want to serve her and help them in this way. We need to stand in holy places! One of those places is my home, (when I'm not yelling and throwing things :'( and the TeMpLe!

This week is Thanksgiving, Wade's birthday and Andrea's birthday (Black Friday and Temple visit). Its going to be crazy busy and lots of fun. I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and be happy! I'm feeling like I need to repent for being caught up in worrying about the budget instead of being Thankful and thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. I actually have most of my decorations up for Christmas--since my sister when she was here stated that I needed to do it earlier this year. I said, "Yes I will, Your right!" Because she said, "You shouldn't decorate for fall for three months and Christmas for only one month. Put your fall decorations away even though its before Thanksgiving. I thought, "why not?" I obeyed and now keep pestering Wade to get us a tree. "Can we get one today?" "Can we get one today?" "How about we get the tree today?" I won't go back to a fake tree...not yet!

Love and Light~

Mouse

I was looking in my closet. Its getting colder and I went looking to the side of my closet that has my winter shirts. As I was looking I pushed back a few hangers to look at a shirt. And to my horror as I pushed them back there in my face, hanging on the middle of my shirt was a little grey mouse. I told my mother this later and she said excitedly, "Was it LOOKING at you??" And let me tell you YES it was. As a matter of fact! I screamed and jumped back onto my bed as the mouse jumped down right where I was standing and ran under my bed. I screamed and yelled! I didn't want to put my feet down. I couldn't believe what just happened. I'm not that jumpy about things, and wouldn't scream if I saw a mouse running on the floor, but to have it in my face like that....words can't describe!
I can't figure out why why why would the mouse be there on my shirt like that. I have no food in there! Apparently everyone is having this problem right now!
I still needed something to wear and my husband came in as I was crouched on my bed trying to look in my closet without my feet touching the floor. We bought some mouse killer type stuff that we have hidden in two places in the house being careful that no children would get to it. Like behind the stove for example. I keep wondering when I use the oven if I'll roast a dead mouse. But chances are the mouse will die somewhere else. I hope I don't find a dead mouse in my house!

Dead Mouse!

Last night the girls said that it was stinky under the tv. We didn't investigate it but this morning I smelt it! Something was there! Something awful! It's terrible when your moving things around knowing your going to find something unpleasant....what is it?! What is it?!!
I found it! A dead mouse stuck behind the entertainment wires. I took needle nose pliers and grabbed it. It's skin was sticking and pulled off. I threw it away outside and cleaned the fur and skin off the wires with disinfectant wipes. It was a terrible thing to do. I think Damon gagged!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

One of THOSE days...

I've been missing my writing. So here we go....
Things have been going so well. Its like I've been on a happy high since my surgery, going to the drags, and my birthday. But the thoughts of the holidays put me over the edge yesterday. I'm sad to admit that I hate the holidays. I feel inadequate and worried that the children won't be satisfied Christmas morning. My husband and I are still working on our own groove with our holiday traditions and how much to spend. We don't have the kinks out yet. That causes me a lot of stress. The thoughts of figuring stuff out with the extended family also throws me over the edge! I also feel myself slowly getting sick.
So yesterday just plain stunk. I sent the kids off to school and then cried and cried. I was supposed to help out at the school but canceled it so I could stay home with my baby girl and have a good cry. I know I have issues! This life is not easy.
There are times when I just feel the frustrations of living in this telestial world and it hits me hard. At the same time I know that after I cry it out--think of the good things, pray for help, it passes and I feel better. So after I cried. I tried to be normal and do my normal things and smile at Bella. It was nice just the two of us. My mom stopped by to get something. I smiled and acted normal. She helped me fold clothes for a minute. I couldn't help it and started talking about how I didn't like Christmas and started crying again. So Lame! She lamely tried to comfort me and I just wanted to be alone again. After she left I decided to try harder and got my kids journals out. It took me awhile to write in all of them. Lydia and Damon came home and we had lunch. I laid down but after a half an hour I woke up and felt anxious to get something done again.....

Today I'm finally recovering from my bad day yesterday. I'm wanting to get started on the Christmas decorations so I can be done with it. My first baby is getting baptised in a few weeks. That is adding to my stress levels too. I have two birthdays, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and a baptism all within two weeks. It would be nice if I could go a year without complaining about November. But now there is a baptism to plan and that means people to feed. I'm super excited for her choice to be baptised but then I think about all the things to do......
So I want to get the decorations out now so that its not on my to do list anymore. I've been doing a lot of business stuff lately. This morning I went out and cleaned up the property, shoveling dirt and weeds that have blown in. I put a movie on in the car for my babies and got a good solid hour in. I came home and dried off the car from going through the car wash. I couldn't stand a filthy car anymore. Its a beautiful day. Its a little cool but sunny and still. The kids are playing nicely and the babies are sleeping. We are working a lot in this house to be nice to each other. Andrea started crying the other day because she thought Santa wouldn't come because she has been fighting with Lydia. I hope to raise these kids to be kind! I can't believe how hard it is!

Love & Light~