Monday Misery

I feel exhausted all the time. It is so much work trying to be a happy wife and a patient mother. I feel tired.
I love my life but I feel like I'm having a hard time enjoying it. Like I'm just too tired to even smile sometimes. I went running this morning at five am but I don't feel more energy.

Pray harder

Study better

Think better thinks

wash clothes

change diapers

fix kids hair

feed the kids

play with the kids

teach them not to fight

teach them how:

to be kind,

good manners,

God fearing,

nurture their talents

I'm a teacher

I'm a nurse

I'm a cook

I'm a maid

I'm a councilor

make dinners

wash dishes

clean floors

pick up pick up pick up

answer a million questions

get myself ready

I'm a secretary

business work/bills/normal adult stresses

I'm tired.

Its hard to get excited about anything. If we plan to do something fun, well that's a lot of work too. This is supposed to be the most precious time and the most important time raising small children, yet it is the most exhausting. It feels like life is a game you know like a.......test. ;) I feel like I've been playing this game for a loong time. I feel old.
The strange thing is too that even if I get lots of sleep, I'm still tired. But I think its being tired emotionally that makes me tired physically.
I felt today like I need more strength. Every day can seem so mundane and the same. My work is never ending. Day and Night energy is needed to raise small children and take care of a household. I realized that it didn't seem like I've been saying enough personal prayers. I feel like we pray a lot as a family. Morning and night prayers plus meal prayers and then there is the many little prayers I say in my mind during the day. But to actually kneel down, say my prayer out loud, Bymyself, and just be still for a moment....that makes all the difference. So simple and yet sometimes seems so hard to do right now. I peeked around the corner and noticed my kids watching a movie and Bella playing on the floor. I thought, this is my chance. I shut my door, take a deep breath and kneel by my bed. It felt good. Like taking a little breather out of my day to get some heavenly help. Mondays are just plain hard.

Today is Wednesday and I've had a great day. I went on a nice long run this morning and read about King Noah and Abinadi with Wade before he went to work. Mosiah is one of my favorite books. I didn't feel so tired today like I did on Monday. I feel like heavens helping me because I felt peace and I felt almost no stress today. I didn't go anywhere all day until tonight when I took the kids and Makenze to Wendy's to get a frosty. I spent a lot of time being with my children, talking with them, playing with them, eating with them, watching them. Of course I still did a bunch of miscellaneous housework and answered the business phones--part of the never ending work. But I felt very content and grateful today. I wish I could stay in a place of gratitude and contentment all the time. I'm so excited that my niece Makenze is getting baptised this month on the 12th.-Lydia's birthday! This will be the most important decision of her life, a decision she has made on her own.

My Andrea and Lydia have these little Book of Mormon's. Everyday at different times they come to me wanting to read it. Lydia asks me to read and she repeats what I say. This morning when Andrea woke up, her eyes weren't all the way adjusted to the light when she was standing at my bedroom door holding her Book of Mormon and hoped she was in time to read with Wade and I. She has been reading on her own and understanding it! She gets excited about it and when she finished the first chapter in Nephi for the first time on her own she was so happy. I thought to myself, "I just witnessed my daughter read the first chapter of the Book of Mormon for the first time in her life." What a great beginning for her in her young life. It took me until seminary to read the Book of Mormon. She has decided to read the Book of Mormon this year to see if it is true for herself for baptism this year. We have been reading out of the picture book for a few years on the Book of Mormon stories but there is something special about reading the pure language from the scriptures. I really have amazing kids. They seem so eager to learn and talk about spiritual things.

I've been practicing the piano. Its been really fun for me. I'm very much a beginner but for the first time in my life I want to figure it out. I used to think that the window for learning the piano was gone. But I wonder if I could learn the piano good enough to play any hymn, even now. You can learn knew things as adults! So I've been picking at some simplified hymns. Last night I taught Andrea chop sticks on the piano. This morning when my mom came over before the bus run Andrea showed her what I taught her. My mom said, "okay, are you ready?" Andrea didn't understand what she meant but then for the next 20 minutes I listened to my mom and Andrea play the chop sticks duet like I used to do with her as a kid. It was really special and Andrea can't wait to play the piano again with Grandma--in the morning!


Love and Light~

Snow Canyon

For Presidents Day we went on a day hike. It was really fun and Damon did really good. He hiked himself half the way. My girls are amazing hikers. We went atleast 4 miles.

This is a beautiful canyon with awesome red rocks and lava tubes.

Wade keeps telling me that he saw this pizza place with Bella's first and middle name and we HAD to go check it out! It was fun and yummy.

and now....I must catch up on the housework!

Love and Light~

My Lovely Valentine's

These are my lovely Valentine's this year. I have been making Valentin'es like this for my husband since 1999. It is a lot of fun and sometimes overwhelming. Be careful at what traditions you start!

This is my new (used) piano! In December I was dreaming about getting a piano and thinking about it during the night when Bella would wake up. I always wanted a piano and new I would get one but never thought of it as an option in my little house. Suddenly it became very important to get a piano because my children are growing--no matter what type of house I live in. Whats amazing is when the piano was in my house I felt really excitied and I felt like it completed the family. I always had a piano in my home growing up and it just seemed like something was missing in my home. I actually do not read music. I play a bunch of fun duets and things from memory. I would like to take lessons someday.

My mom is VERY happy we have a piano. She actually found this piano for us and told us about it. She came over on Sunday for dinner and the two of us played the piano for awhile. In fact my husband had to finally ask us to stop playing so we could do somthing else!

This is my thought from the weekend:
I'm trying not to care about what you think or what you do. It really is none of my business. What you do, think, say is your business and has nothing to do with me. What I choose to do with my family has nothing to do with you. My husband and I are stewards over the people living in our home. You are the stewards over your home. There is no cross overs in our stewardships. That doesn't mean that there isn't love and respect between us. What we do is our business, what you do is your business. Lets keep that straight. Lets not get mad about eachothers business. Lets not care about our differences or commonalities. Let us only notice and observe and keep quiet. Be yourself for you and I'll be myself for me. You are in your journey and I am in my journey. Let us be and let be.




Wade and I picked out our own Ben and Jerry's ice creams. It was fun to pick out something with nuts. So I chose Chunky Monkey. It had banana ice cream with fudge chunks and walnuts. I love love walnuts. It reminds me of my childhood. There was always walnuts in the house. I never ate ice cream without walnuts. What I didn't know was that some of the time they were rancid. I aquired a taste for rancid walnuts. It gives it a extra bitter taste. yum yum! Funny isn't it. The only reason I knew they were rancid was because of my friend Carolyn. Together we would eat rancid walnuts in our ice cream. I think my favorite was vanila icecream milk shake with oreos and walnuts. Finally one day she said no to the walnuts. She told me that every time she ate walnuts at my house her mouth broke out in cankers. This was quiet the discovery. I don't know if I built some kind of immunity to rancid walnuts or what! I never had a problem. It turned out to be a big joke between us. What reminded me of all this is waking up this morning with a big canker on the inside of my bottom lip! I geuss I haven't eaten any walnuts in a long time and my mouth didn't agree.

Love and Light~

It's Love Day

Sunday Evening Decorating Valentine Cookies

Happy Valentines Day!

My day started out with a great run with my friend at 5 am. I almost tried to think of an idea to cancel. It didn't help that the night before I stayed up until about 1am playing the cash flow game with my Dad and Aunt/step mom Kathy and Wade. We had a ball playing! I was the only one who didn't make it out of the rat race! :( But I has happy that everyone else did. I NEVER stay up that late! We all learned a lot from the game.

Saturday was great because we were all at the ranch with Dad and Kathy loading up hay. I have such great memories at the ranch with my dad. But my kids need more experiences like that. Soon after we get there the kids act a little lost not knowing what to do. They start to whine and complain. "I have nothing to do!" "What should we do?" We say just figure it out. Us your imagination. Play around on the hay stacks and figure it out! And they did!! They were covered in hay inside and out. Kids need to learn how to just be and entertain themselves sometimes. The last 8 years I have been either pregnant or nursing or having to watch a toddler and haven't been able to...cowgirl up? So I was standing there watching dad move hay around (which in the past I would be helping) Kathy was holding Bella and he said to me, "Bring that tractor over here and put the bucket down and I'll fill it up." I was a little stunned and felt a dashavoo to my childhood.

"Me?"

"yes"

"okay but I haven't driven this tractor before."

"well, hop up there and I'll show you."

I was pretty excited. Usually I just watch Wade or Dad drive the tractor while I hold one of my children. It was really natural driving the tractor and helping out. I only did it for a little bit because Kathy couldn't hold Bell forever! I reflected a lot about working with my dad on the ranch. The way he had me work with him during almost every time I saw him made me feel strong and capable as a woman. When he would come up to visit me it was always at the ranch working and riding horses. Sometimes I thought, "Oh I don't want to work all weekend at the ranch!" Imagine that a child not wanting to work! Well I was always happy during my visits, learned great work ethic, built great memories and was always sad to say goodbye.

Yesterday at church my dad and Kathy came to sacrament meeting with us. When we said goodbye in the lobby and they left Andrea was having some sort of melt down and pulling on me to come with her to the bathroom. She was crying as we walked and I kept saying what is the matter!? We got in the bathroom and she said that she was so sad that Grandpa was leaving. She was crying pretty hard and said how she didn't get enough time with him and that we don't see him enough. "I just miss Grandpa!" In that moment my heart melted and I remembered all the times that I cried after saying goodbye to my dad. Sad that I never got "enough" time since I didn't live with him. When we got home she started crying AGAIN about missing Grandpa and wanted to call him. A little bit later she was sitting on the counter and started tearing up again and said to me, "lets not talk about Grandpa anymore." I thought we had stopped talking about him, but she must have continued thinking about him. I really was surprised at how she missed him and cried about it being the Grandchild. I didn't know she was so fond of him. My kids really love Kathy too. She seems to be a natural addition to my family.

I didn't plan on spending any time blogging and need to get on with my festive day. I have major valentines to make!! I created this tradition of making nice valentines for each of my children and husband. I'll be thinking of my sister Cheryl....-the holiday girl- and the countless hours of making valentines together! I'll try to post a picture of my valentines but I'll be lucky to get them all done today.

Wade and I don't bother going out for Valentine's Day. Its more fun to be with the kids for this holiday. Children Love Valentines Day! But we will be cuddling up with a box of See's Chocolate after the kids go to bed!-

Love and Light~

Planning is the key!

I am really enjoying my new meal plan still from the Food Nanny. I emailed her today saying thanks and she emailed me back! How fun is that!!! This week I didn't feel as gung hoe with planning my meals. I have to say when you sit down to plan all your meals for the coming couple of weeks it feels a little overwhelming. But after you start deciding on the first few recipes and figure the ingredients it starts to flow and before you know it you have your plan done. And then it feels like a big relief to know what your cooking and you don't have to fret and stress over it. I can't tell you enough how great these recipes are! Every home needs this cook book.

I had a friend ask me today if I really only shopped once for two weeks. The answer is no. I do have to go back to the store the next week for perishable items like milk, and a few produce things. But it is still very easy because its just a few items. I have bought heavy cream or half and half that I was to use the second week and it turned out that the day I was planned to use that ingredient it was a day or two past the expiration date. My mom adamantly told me that if you use creams in a recipe that a day or two past the date is fine. So I did use it and it was good, but it made me aware that I won't buy certain things until the week I will be using them. A lot of produce last a long time but delicate items like spinach need to be bought the week of the meal. The main thing is to have two weeks of meals planned out and most of the shopping done.

I've been doing this meal plan for over 6 weeks now and I have felt a lot of satisfaction as a wife and mother knowing that I have made an awesome dinner. Everyone is tired at the end of the day and when my husband says, "That was the best pot pie I ever had!" it makes me feel proud and successful.

Today I made stir fry and fried rice for dinner. My husband has been requesting it for a month now. I don't really have a recipe for that. I find a nice marinade with sesame and ginger and soy sauce for the veggies and chicken. The fried rice I use oyster sauce, sesame seed oil and soy sauce. I made a simple one with green onion, frozen green peas and of course egg. I made separate white rice too but I probably could have forgone the fried rice except that it is so yummy I thought, "why not?" This meal was little tricky because I couldn't prepare any of it ahead of time. I had to make it all right before we ate and its difficult with lots of children at my heals. Unfortunately I had to threaten Andrea if she didn't help me with the baby she would be in BIG trouble! --I just have to get dinner done because Daddy will be home soon!

I also had my niece Mak over today and was helping her with her homework. It is nice to have her around. So some days I have 5 children! I can see that in the future most of my late afternoons and evenings are going to be spent helping with homework with all the kids! Yikes! --All the more reason to be organized with my meals! Organization is no longer a choice if I want to survive!

My sweetheart Lydia has recovered amazingly from her bike crash. A week later and you can barely see that she had any scrapes on her face.

On Monday I had a couple of hours because my two babes were sleeping and Lydia was at a friends house. I felt like taking a nap but instead felt like I needed to get my kids journals out. I realized it had been two months since I wrote in them and felt an urgency to get it caught up. I spent all that time writing in each one. I felt a little emotional about my sweet babies and how they are growing up. As I looked back on past entries I was amazed at how easily I can forget the details of each child's development. It seems like after I have had four babies that each stage from each child sort of blends in. I can almost think of my babies as one. Some things stick out as different for each of them but as a whole I generalize like, "oh yes I remember this age and stage and what babies like to do." I never want to forget their individuality and the feelings and emotions I have with them as a mother. I'm so glad I am recording it. I feel such gratitude and honor to be their mother. What matters most?

By the way,...King Benjamin is amazing!!!

Love and Light

Sunday Singe

I didn't cry.
I was horrified and shocked as big clumps of hair came out of my head.
Did I create this experience to go along with my belief that Sunday mornings are hard? Because singeing hair would definetly make it to the list of having a hard time.
I was curling my hair. Half of it was done. I grabed a chunk of hair right in the front on the top corner-if heads had a corner this would be it- and I put the curling iron two inches under my roots when a bunch of smoke came from my hair. Immedietly I took the curling iron off and saw my shrivled up hair. The hair was singed a light tan color. I stand their stunned. I call for Wade to come see. I just stand their not moving, looking in the mirror. He comes in and I say, "look my curling iron, something happened....my hair!" He takes the curling iron and looks at it and we see that it is about explode into flames as the top plastic piece is melting and smoldering. "I knew we needed to get you a quality curling iron after the first time it broke," he said. Previousley my curling iron was falling apart when we were at my dads house and he fixed it by using some bailing wire. My dads favorite remedy for mending things.
I tentativly raise my fingers to my hair and touch it. The hairs crumble to the counter. I continue touching it as long strands with singed ends detach into my fingers. Each time I touch my hair more and more strands of hair fall to the counter. I look at the counter at all my hair. "my hair. my hair. my hair." I don't cry. But I feel shocked. "My Hair!!!"
It would have been worse if it was right where I part my hair. Instead it is a little to the right of where my hair parts. But its the second worse spot it could be because that is where I pin my hair up. And its at the corner-if heads had a corner-where more delicate hair grows. I just feel sad that it happened. I know that it will grow back and without writing this experience down I'll probably forget it as the years go by. But for now I will have to hid those singed hairs and figure new ways to do it.
Love and Light

It was a beautiful day on Saturday. Wade had a lot of work to do but that afternoon we went on a walk up the canyon trail. The girls rode their bikes. They hadn't ridden their bikes since early fall and they were a little nervous at first. Lydia is still getting used to using her breaks.
To make a long story short....Lydia had a crash. She was going down a little hill under a bridge and got out of control. I was sprinting after her but it was too late when her face slide across the cement. On the bright side it was smooth cement instead of the rough black top. I scooped her up into my arms and she cried and cried. I almost cried myself. She said through her crying, "What happened to my face? Is it bleeding?" Luckily she got only burn like scrapes but no bleeding. Her eye was puffy for 3 days. Today it finally looks better. I have felt so bad. I actually thought to myself while I was holding Lydia after the crash, "Did I create this experience? Was I overconfident in her and not being careful enough?" Sunday while getting ready for church she asked us if she was still beautiful. Poor thing!--and yes she is still very beautiful! Even in the car going to church she turned to Andrea and asked her, "Am I still pretty Andrea?" And Andrea said that she was.
Food
I can't even remember what we had for dinner on the weekend. Just left overs and Wade made this Ramon concoction the kids love. Yesterday I had so much work to do for the end of the month that Wade suggested getting pizza. I was very happy about that. Today I am making a casserole of chicken, rice and broccoli. I pulled out some Rhodes rolls to make it easier. I am thinking about how to coordinate what days are more time consuming meals with what cleaning I need to get done and other things I need to accomplish. It got cold again and I haven't ran for a few days. I don't want to lose any progress and so I'm thinking that I might try to fit a run in when the sun is shinning--if my mom stops by.
Last night I went to a missionary discussion with my niece Makenze. It went really well. The lesson was on the ten commandments. They taught a neat way of remembering the commandments with a sign language thing. It was cool. Her dad is wanting to baptize her and I think it is all wonderful. It has been great to be a part of it.
The things we are still doing that help me so much is reading the scriptures in the morning and I still try to read from that book, "Remembering Wholeness" every day. All of these little things keep my perspective in check.
I'm happy where I am.
I'm happy with my family and my home.
I love my life and feel satisfied and peace.
I look forward to the great things that are coming my way and am grateful for my future new home. I am grateful for the powers of heaven that help me in the details of my life.
Love and Light