Shall the youth of Zion falter in defending truth and right?
While the enemy assaileth, shall we shrink or shun the fight? No!

While we know the pow'rs of darkness seek to thwart the work of God,
Shall the children of the promise cease to grasp the iron rod? No!

We will work out our salvation; we will cleave unto the truth;
We will watch and pray and labor with the fervent zeal of youth. Yes!

We will strive to be found worthy of the kingdom of our Lord,
With the faithful ones redeemed who have loved and kept His word. Yes!

True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command, Soul, Heart, and Hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand!
Hymn 254


I think about this song a lot. I really hope my children understand those words. I also think about the psalm of Nephi. I keep wanting to read it over and over. When I first read it a couple of weeks ago I thought, "yes yes yes this is exactly how I feel!" It is awesome. I've had such a hard week. But with that sorrow for her I have felt comfort and conviction in the gospel plan. Everything will work out. Be true to your faith!

My heart is breaking for you and yours.
I am so worried about you and scared for the future.
Can't you see I love you? Can't you see we all do?
Please don't leave! I'm so sad.
All day I keep crying over you.
Don't you know she needs you? What will she do without you? Please stay! Don't go!
Think of all the good times we have had. Think of all the good times yet to be. I care so much about you. We are all so worried for you. I believe in miracles. I believe in the cealing power that binds us. Every day I will pray for you. And someday you will come back and I will cry tears of joy when you return.

At this moment I am enjoying German Chocolate Cake with ice cream for BrEaKfAsT!!!
My kids are with the hubby so no one can see! Terrible I know!! It is quite Divine. Thank you Cheryl, I kill you now!

My camera is broken. I have no pics but I went to my cousins wedding. It was a happy day!
The temple got a hold of Bro. Callister and he told them I was worthy to go in! I couldn't believe I forgot my recommend. It was a little tender mercy that I could still attend the temple. We had a great lesson yesterday in RS about tender mercies. Tender mercies happen daily from Heavenly Father that let us know he knows, cares, and loves us. Sometimes people call them nice coincidences. But if you pay attention during your day, you will recognize them. Sometimes they are acts of kindness from someone. Sometimes they are feelings of comfort and peace. Sometimes it is something random throughout the day that happens that helps you or stops something disastrous from happening. Maybe something disastrous happens like poop in the tub and grape nuts all over your counter and floor and you some how don't get mad and it doesn't ruin your day.

Doesn't anyone like the new look on my blog? Your all phantom readers!!!

I think my tummy hurts now. Thanks again Cheryl! And did you Freeze your big fat three layer piece of cake??? I think not!

My day: lots of housework and cleaning up from the trip. Deposits, invoicing, feeding people, playing with the people, FHE and.....Maggie Moo's????--i don't think I'll be ordering anything!

Book Review

Dear Chris Stewart:
I don't know how to contact you. I'm sure you'll never read this. I don't know why I have this great urge to give you feed back. Here it is:
I finished reading the 6th book of the Great and Terrible series.
I loved the subject matter and the research of the US military, other nations, political leaders and geography of the events in your books were excellent.
However I couldn't help but get the feeling that you were rushed and under pressure with dead lines to finish the books that most of your time was spent on building the characters (whom I loved) and the political story.
There were soo many conversations left out and put to the reader to fill in the blanks. When I read Anna Karenina I realized how very important conversation is. We had to assume during the many many days they were pent up in that apartment in Chicago that they talked, but the reader doesn't really know. Didn't Sam and the others change after the miracles of the blessings? Did they not talk about it amongst themselves? We as latter-day saints have to rely on the spirit and our own imaginations to understand how a healing by the priesthood power may take place. Couldn't we visualize your imagination as the writer to explain to us what was said and how it worked? Did not these people pray together? Wouldn't they have prayed before they finally ventured out of the apartment? I wanted to know more about what the Saints were doing to help each other. Could Azedah have spoken a little more and told her story to the others? Could we have witnessed the love grow more between Azedah and Sam? I think that Ammon and Luke although almost 19 would have had enough maturity and character to not have to say "dude" so much during important moments. I still wondered with Teancum: was that The (Eternal) Father he was with sometimes? Or was the Father always Neil?
I really enjoyed the perspective of the evil angels. The first book of the spirit world was VERY interesting. The war in heaven was fascinating and made me ponder a lot about it. It helped me realize what I have already been feeling with the war we are dealing with here on earth between good and evil and our family relationships. Thank you so much for that.
What happened to the guy who had the millions for Azedah? Many times when you opened the chapter it took so long for you to tell us who you were describing that I would have to go back and re-read it to visualize it correctly. I am left after reading the books wanting much more. I think it must have been very difficult to accomplish what you have done and thank you for taking this subject on. Now I know that I need more guns and water storage!
Thanks for the Ride,
Julianne

Ups and Downs

Can we talk in our room please?
He brings Bella with him and I shut the door and lock it behind us.
I don't know where to begin. I need his support.
"I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I am sufficating in our house.
I want to make rolls but the kids are clawing at me every moment!"

"You don't need to make rolls."

"I really want to. I want to have good dinners and I'm trying to keep up on the house. I want to do a good job!! I want to be a good wife and mother but I can't be perfect!" I start crying.

"You are doing a good job."

"I am? I feel like nobody cares. Nobody recognizes what I do. I clean the floor and then 20 things get spilled on it that I have to clean up."

"There is somebody who always recognizes."

I look up at him. "You mean...Heavenly Father?"
He nods yes. I sigh and I lay my head down on his chest.
"What you do takes a lot of endurance right now. Your work is never ending. Mine is like little sprints."

"I feel like I do everything for everyone."

"Andrea is getting big, you need to get organized and have her help you more."

"I feel like there are so many basic needs I am trying to keep up with that I can't get organized. I can't keep up. I'm soo tired!"

"Well, don't make rolls. We have crescent rolls in the fridge we can put in the oven and you already have the crock pot going."

"Okay."

"I really want to just take a bath and read my book."

"Go ahead."

I sigh in relief. "But...could you please please go out there and get me my book??"

"What?"

"If I go out there to get it I won't be able to come back. The kids will start clawing at me! Please?"

"Okay."

When I get out of the tub I am surprised to find the house picked up! And he kept the kids from knocking at my door! Yay! Just that 40 minutes helped me feel better. Conference was starting again and I got the nail polish out and painted the girls nails as we watched.

I talked to my dad last night. He said how we all have to support eachother right now. He said that we are all struggling and working so hard that sometimes it feels that we aren't getting the rewards from it. I said that the Lord is bound when we do what He says. Bound to keep His promises to us but we don't know when that is. We have to keep enduring, working hard keeping the commandments and know that the Lord will bless us for the good we do. Meanwhile we seek for his peace, love and strength to keep going. The roller coaster continues.......

To Feel or not to Feel?

At Mammoth with the Fam! This post was started a couple of weeks ago.

I wonder, am I hear on this earth to feel? It seems to be all about feelings. I have been feeling so much. It is a roller coaster of feelings. Feelings for my husband and children. Feelings for my siblings and parents, siblings for my in-laws, feelings for my ward sisters, feelings for my friends.

Feelings of pain came to me this week. But also feelings of hope and healing. I felt like never speaking to anyone outside of my own little family again. Go away you cause me too much pain!!!

But during my pain I was able to communicate to the people who needed to know. There is suffering going on and I can't do it alone or my sister and I to do it by ourselves! My parents are finally getting things together. Although they aren't "together," I feel so much hope that they will stop putting us kids in the middle and alone to deal with all the family dynamics.

My Dad is dating my Aunt. My aunt is my mom's sister-in-law. My dad's former sister-in-law too. I am so thrilled. She is my favorite Aunt. My two closest cousins growing up are her daughters and may become my sisters! But the worry about what my mom would think about keeled me over. At first she didn't take it well. But miraculously God stepped in and helped her see that this is Gods will and Gods way of healing our family.

Because of that child inside of me, I wondered, after my step mothers death, if my parents could get back together. But I soon realized it couldn't be. So I thought, dad better never remarry. I can't take it!! I don't want to deal with this! Can't his kids be enough? Can't we be a priority now? I always struggled with my dad putting his wife first. I knew intellectually that it was right to put your wife first....IF that person is MY mother. But she wasn't my mother, and never wanted to be. I feel that after you divorce a person you should #1 not remarry until after the kids are grown. #2 If you have to remarry, put the children at an equal priority. The children are your own flesh and blood. Children grow up so fast, and the growing up years are so important and impact every part of their adult lives. This is a perspective of a child from a divorced family.



So the selfish child did NOT want dad thinking of remarrying. But then I saw that he was very lonely....and had been for a very long time. I saw that he needed companionship. And then like a miracle in my life. He was interested in my aunt. My aunt whom I already love and she loves me. My aunt who already knows everything about my family and I her family. My aunt who has always been sisterly with my mom. Can this be really happening???



My dad called my mom after Kathy suggested to him that he should. He told her about dating my aunt. She cried and said she had a dream about getting back together to heal the family. He said that God wanted to heal the family in a different way. And that they couldn't get back together in this life. She said that she knows he and Kathy will be a great couple and be really happy together. He told her that he will be more involved with what happens in her life. Be more a part of us kids trying to help my mom. Who better to support that then Kathy and help him to do it? This, people is miraculous. My dad in the past has always been very stand offish and the attitude that he divorced her and that she wasn't his problem anymore. And the 6 of us kids were left to deal by ourselves. I am a little squeamish still but can't stop the hope from growing.


My dad and aunt dating? This is so bizarre!



I have this view of the spirit world. That family isn't so complicated there as it is here. We are all family. We are all sealed together, like one big happy family. Sealed together through Jesus Christ.

I hope you can feel today. Do you dare feel your feelings? Through feeling we learn love, compassion, experience, acceptance, discouragement, pain, heart ache, peace, happiness, forgiveness, and hope. There is opposition in all things. I am so grateful to know the good because of the bad. The greatest hope, healing and peace has come to me through the Savior as I have sought after Him in prayer. Don't forget to keep those bad thoughts away!

Child's Prayer

Andrea and Lydia with Nana and Grandpa. Their first time seeing Lydia.

I feel a little heart ache over my step-mom. Lydia came into our room early this morning and said in a wimper:

Lydia "I said a prayer by myself."



"you did? what was it about?"



Lydia"I prayed for Nana, I really miss her."

"She was such a good Nana. I'm reall sad that she died."



"She really loved you too. She was always happy to see you and talk to you."



Lydia "She did?"



"yes!"



Lydia "It was so sad when Nana couldn't talk, she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep."



"yes it was, very sad."



It made me really think about Mardi and the terrible way she died and how young she was.



Today is a buisy day. The first day of October. I hope to eat lunch with Andrea today. We may go to St. George this afternoon as a family. If my mother-in-law is feeling up to it she may come with us and Wade and I go to the temple. That would be so refreshing! It would be great to go to the temple before conference. I am happy to be home this weekend and watch conference as a family. I love listening to the prophet and apostles. They speak with such love and power. I always feel inspired.