Christmas--Am I the only one with Crazies?

Christmas can be difficult. This year we had a pleasant Christmas. Wade and I try hard to make it that way. It takes awhile to figure out how we want Christmas to be for our family and what traditions we want to create. We had our normal Mexican feast for the ninth time in a row. I made a version of Cafe Rio pork burritos and salad and my usual salsa. It was tasty. But the cool thing we did this year was we did our little program before dinner. The kids weren't so tired and what were we to do that afternoon anyways? We read the Christmas story. Lydia was the angel, Andrea was Mary, Damon (we couldn't get to dress up) was Joseph, Bella of course was baby Jesus and Daddy was a shepherd. It was chaotic and wonderful. We kept saying to the kids, "Get back over here." "Please sit down and listen to the story." It was a lot of fun. We had them open their presents of Christmas jammies and we talked about the symbols of Christmas. We set out cookies and milk for Santa and we watched the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and just had a nice time. We say no to extended family on Christmas eve. I'm talking about the EVE people! I am a good person. I am a good person. Christmas Day we love the extended family! I'm sure it won't always be that way. Its not easy to do. I am not wicked. I am not wicked. We like to stay home by ourselves since we have such small children that go to bed early. I want to keep the focus on the children and not whoever is visiting with us. And mostly we want peace. One time Wade and I got in an argument on Christmas eve after returning from my moms house. It was so horrible to be unhappy on Christmas eve. It was a learning experience trying to figure out how we want to celebrate Christmas together as a new family.

This year in the back of my mind I kept thinking about the way I was screamed at on the phone and how I had to hang up on them on Christmas eve eve. "I'll never forgive you for this." she said to me. I am a good wife and mother. I am a good wife and mother. I kept wondering if we made the right decision. I am not evil. I am not evil. I am a good person. I am a good person. I felt a lot of guilt. I asked Wade about it. He said he had no doubts we did the right thing. See? You did what was right. You did what was right. We put our family first. The family I came from and the family he came from doesn't come first anymore. This is our only opportunity to raise our children the way we need to. Soon they will be grown. We want to protect and create the environment we want for our children. I remember so much lately the feelings I had as a child. I told myself that some things would be different in my marriage and for my children. Sometimes life is confusing. I think this day in age is more scary. I can't let the man in the street who has no place to go into my home---because of my children. I can't just invite anyone into our space. My children come first. "You shouldn't try to shield them from everything, your being cruel and uncompassionate. Children are resilient and learn from it." It is true that I can't shield them from everything. But I WILL shield them from as much as I can. It is my duty as a mother to protect. Its not like life won't come at them anyways. I think about the conversations I heard as a child and shudder. I remember so many inappropriate things I heard and saw. Its not right to have a child worry about adult things they have no control over. I didn't realize then as a child how challenging it would be to step up and say, "no, I'm doing things a different way, no matter what anyone says or thinks or reacts about it." Even with all my efforts, I'm not a perfect mother. I'm not yet the mother I envision myself to be all the time. I wish I was. That's when repentance and the Savior comes in and helps me.

So I found myself getting very giggly and excited for Santa to come! I was surprised but then I remembered last year on Christmas eve I was excited too. I guess its just the first of December when there is soo much to do before Christmas that I feel like a scrooge about Santa and everything. But in reality its all soo worth it! Christmas eve and Christmas day have to be one of the best days of the year. Its so fun! The first year Wade and I were married we spent Christmas with my brother and I watched my sister-in-law put lights and netting underneath the Santa presents. It made it so special. This year I tried it and although I don't know if the kids really noticed....I loved it!

I started writing this post a week or more ago and questioned myself about posting it. After talking to my sister and how much fun she had on Christmas with all her in-laws I started feeling a little guilty...as usual...about keeping Christmas eve to ourselves. She said that your family is not just your husband and kids and that your extended family is important to spend with too. I wished I felt like that. Then she said that only the last couple of years has she felt good about Christmas and its taken her a long time to get over feeling on edge about the whole Christmas thing. As we talked we said how things may change in the future and for now Wade and I chose to do what was right for us. We are building a sure foundation for our family...that's about all we can handle right now.

I'm so happy for my four children. They make life exciting and fun. I'm so happy to have a good husband.

Last night for FHE I couldn't stop smiling. We started singing Families can be Together Forever. Lydia started singing along right from the beginning and then she started prancing and dancing around the living room. It was so natural for her to do it. Its like she couldn't help herself and she had no worry about who was watching. I call her my little fairy. Andrea is very proper and yet so clumsy. She is in an awkward stage. She was wrestling with Lydia and Damon and smacked the back of her head and got a good bump after FHE. Soon after that she trips over something or stubs her toe. She is so fun to talk to and kid around with. I was teaching her to braid her dolls hair. Damon is just all over the place! He is VERY smart. He chooses not to talk right now. Its a joy to be in Bella's presence every day.

I stopped potty training Damon because of the holidays. I will post about it when I start again.

And that my friends is finally a post. Hate it or love it! Boom Boom Chicalaca!

Fried

What happens when a seven year old spends all day at school, comes home works on a 'hard' puzzle, does her homework and reads for 20 minutes?---a fried brain. She stubs her foot screams at mom (my fault of course) and runs to her room crying.
Lydia said, "What happened to Andrea's heart? Did it turn into a mean heart?"
After laughing at the question I said, "no, her brain is just fried."

potty training post coming soon!

Am I making life hard? Or is it really hard?
Imagine yourself today. What do you have to do today? Nothing?---lets hope not! Although it slightly sounds nice. Yesterday I had a list of things to do. When I stay at home and just focus on the house, dinner and kids it goes smoothly. But I needed to get to a few stores and start on my Christmas gift project. I'm not the best crafty person. So this little cricut machine is taking me awhile to figure out. I also have to feed the people. My house is very small for 6 people. I have no room to get out projects. But I had to try and my kichen table had all the cricut stuff out and it took me a long time to get going. By the time I finally figured out what I was doing--the people were hungry. Andrea was needing attention getting home from school and the the three other children....they are always needing something. I wished I could leave my project out somewhere away from the people. I'm completly overwhelmed and wish this was a day that Wade got home early. He comes home and is hungry and tired...and so am I. After dinner is over and my project a mess amongst the dinner stuff on the table I feel like running away. I can't breath again! I take Bella into my room and lock the door. I feel like taking a bath but Bella is awake. I think she might be getting sleepy so I lay on the bed and play with her. I hear the other children running around being loud. Its not long before they are at my door.
"Mommy Andrea isn't being nice to me!"
"No, she is LYING, she is the one turning off all the lights and yelling at Damon!"
I hope they can just work it out. I'm thinking to myself if I can just take a few moments to myself I can be more patient with my children until bedtime. Wade takes a shower and when I come out of my room Andrea has cleared the table from dinner-part of her daily chores. I feel bad because my fuse is short and I have been raising my voice during the evening. Wade comes out and helps me for a minute with this rediculouse sticker maker machine.
"I want to make a card!"
"I want to make a card!"
"I want to make a card for my teacher."
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to make a card too!!"
"Mommy I want to make a card too."
"Okay Okay, just stay back for a minute I'm trying to figure this out."
I desperatly cut out their cards in hopes they will leave me alone so I can focus on what I need to do. I still haven't accomplished...anything for my project! And Damon keeps screeching at everyone because he wants to be in the middle of everything.

Well when the kids finally go to bed I work hard until late to get what I needed done. I did take that bath before going to sleep. But it wasn't a restful night. Bella was up a lot and Damon woke up crying too. It makes me wonder how anyone can raise children and do any type of hobby. I don't like to work on my projects when the kids go to bed because....I...am...exhausted! Is there no rest in this life??!!

Today is the same trying to figure out how to get things done with 3 or 4 children needing me constantly. This time I need to get business done. Invoicing, deposits, bookwork, go to the bank, go to the post office....and of course feed the people! Am I running out of milk again? I may have to go to the store too. I really need to get my student loan refinance stuff in. It, my friends is never ending and I wonder how I will manage. I actually thought how nice it must be for Wade to go to work. I go to work everyday with 3 clamoring children at my heels. I really can't explain it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Infact I must really like it because its what I've created. I'm successfully at my limit. While talking to Wade this morning before he headed off to work I cried to him......again....and I said I could have more patience with the children if I could get just a little break. If I could have just a couple of hours to myself in the house with everyone gone. He acted fine like it was a simple thing for him to do this weekend. Maybe I need to ask more for what I need...in a direct way! If I just say my affirmations, pray and refocus I am sure to have a good day today. If I just determine to myself that it is a great day...then it will be. I hope to do just that.
love and light

I cooked.

From about 11:00 on today I cooked on and off until 4. But I was happy to do it. I realized to myself, I do love to cook, I do, I like cooking. I just don't like to cook every day. When what you love becomes work....that's when its not fun anymore. It would be amazing to have every other day a cooking day. So today I made chicken noodle soup, my noodles were beautiful this time. Why can't I improve on my mothers technique for cooking noodles?...I thought to myself. I used a pizza cutter to make straight even lines. My mom would have been proud. I also made an awesome apple spice cake. I've been wanting to make one for a few days. I made a caramel sauce to go over it. Yum yum! I then made my best dinner rolls. I was able to deliver part of this feast to a new mom in the ward.



Also I left my cell phone in the car last night by mistake. And I thought about it a couple of times but liked the fact that it was away for a day.



My kids were pleasant and charming today. Damon gallops around the house. It is so cute. At night when I put him to bed he does this noise and points to the door. I know that he wants a drink. I say, "Oh you want this?" and I point to my mouth and whimper and pretend like I'm drinking from a cup and that I'm really thirsty. He laughs and laughs and does it with me as he shakes his head emphatically as if to say, "yes yes that it what I want." Someday he will speak.



I keep thinking how delightful and pleasant Lydia is to be around. I love the way she moves and speaks. She is so easy to be around. I think I'm actually going to be really sad when she starts kindergarten. She is like my little friend around the house and such a great helper with either Damon or Baby Bella. The year before Andrea went to kindergarten she was on my case all the time about what we were doing all day. Its amazing the different personalities.



Andrea is my little grown-up poor thing. She worries about everything. I feel bad lately because we argue before school about getting ready and then when she comes home we argue about chores and homework. I've got to figure her out better!



Bella is my Angel Baby. She is eating rice cereal and fruits. She loves it! She is such a happy baby! I'm enjoying every moment. We took her with us on our date Friday night to dinner and a movie. She was sooo good it was unbelievable and at 6 months.



I marvel all the time that I have four kids!

I don't believe in Santa Clause.

Every year I struggle with the lie. Why? I really do not get it.

I don't understand this whole Santa Clause thing at all. I never remember believing in Santa Clause when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I was the youngest of 6 kids and my parents stopped putting any effort into Santa. If I did ever believe, I don't remember it. Why should an imaginary person get the credit for MY gifts? How about you better be nice, or I won't give you presents this year? And when does it all end? When do I break the news to my sweet child who believes with all their little heart that Santa is real? All the movies, all the books, all the ploys and stories that we as parents do to keep Santa alive--it feels almost wrong. He isn't alive. If I didn't create Santa, there would be no Santa. My daughter said last night, "I must not have written it right in the letter to Santa last year because I said an all about me doll instead of an American Girl doll. He must not have known what I was talking about. Because my cousins all got American Girl dolls and I asked them how they got it and they said....Santa." What do I say to that? I will continue the tradition of our society and Santa will come, but I don't like it. I like keeping Christ in Christmas. I would rather the idea that we give gifts for each other because we want them to feel special, loved and appreciated. We give you gifts because we are so grateful you are a part of our family and we are honored to make the sacrifices we do to love, raise, teach and serve you. We give gifts because we are grateful to be given the greatest gift of all......the gift of our perfect Savior and his Atoning sacrifice for us. We give gifts to our children because they themselves are a gift to us.