A million things can go wrong during a pregnancy. Just getting pregnant at all is a miracle. I think about how amazing it is to have the gift to create life. What a gift!!
How blessed I am to be able to carry my babies this long.
I've made it to 32 weeks and I have four weeks left....that is my goal, 36 weeks. I hope that I can do it. On Tuesday I was disappointed with the news that my cervix is thinning more then last week and the baby is further down. "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put you on full bed rest," said my CNM.
I shook my head determined that I can do this. Just 4 weeks on bed rest. She seemed happy at my reaction and said that she never knows how a person will react to being told to be on bed rest. But the scare I had with Damon coming at 34 weeks and in the hospital for 10 days gave me a taste for how terrible it is to have a sick baby. I remember being in the nursery with my baby all those days and seeing what seemed to me to be countless babies coming into that nursery and leaving home the next day. And there my baby and I were day after day. I know someone always has it worse then you but I don't take my experiences for granted. It gave me more compassion and experience. Now here I am learning more compassion in another way by experiencing bed rest.
Last week I was on Partial Bed Rest. That was blissful compared to this. I was to lay down an hour in the morning, 2 hours after lunch, and an hour after dinner. In between those times I could tend to my children and prepare meals, and take it easy with no heavy cleaning and not much physical activity.
Full Bed Rest.
What does that mean?
Well, when I came home I made a spot for myself on the couch and settled in. The tears settled in as well. I cried and cried. Damon crawled up on my lap and watched me cry and Lydia ran to get me some tissue. My mom was there watching the kids while I was at my appointment. She looked at me with pity.
What a rough day I had. I realized that I wasn't supposed to get up to do anything but go to the bathroom and if I had to, make a sandwich for myself. That means no tending to the children's needs at all.....that is very hard for me. My CNM doesn't want me to sit up because she doesn't want any pressure on my cervix. Well, eating laying down is ridiculous. So I do sit up to eat. Wade came home and teased me. "You naughty naughty mommy." I noticed that he seemed very overwhelmed and a little distant all day. At one point he said, "If your supposed to be on bed rest then your going to BE on bed rest. This is bad enough, do you realize how terrible it would be if you were shipped to St. George for two months? We have to keep that baby in and you better do your best to lay down."
Ay Ay Captain!
At the end of the day I felt so out of control. During the day my Damon would cry and reach for me wanting me to come get him and pick him up. It broke my heart. I want to put him down for his naps and rock him for a minute! What I don't want is for my children to be taken away all day every day. That thought alone made my eyes water.
After we put the kids to bed I cried and cried. This is going to be terrible. I can't do anything!!
The next day I felt better about the situation. My emotions were still on the edge, but I felt more okay about it. I wondered if it was because of the prayers of others helping me. I kept thinking to myself, "I can do this. I can do this. Only four weeks. Four more weeks and I have my beautiful baby and then I can wear myself out all I want." I still felt so overwhelmed thinking about how I need to ask for help and what I was going to do when Wade started his new job on Monday. (Yes, we are so relieved that he finally got a job!!) It will be four, ten hour days.
Today I feel much less emotional and started making a schedule of when I need help next week. I just have to chip away at this one day at a time. Each day brings me closer to those weekly mile marks in the baby's development.
I'm having a hard time getting on the computer because I'm not supposed to sit up. However I wanted to write so bad that I am quite uncomfortable at this very moment. My neck is kinked as I am doing my best to be in a laying position writing this with my key board on my lap. I need a lap top!! So I must quite for now! Nigh night!
