Memoirs of a Mommy: October 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Today I felt this overwhelming sadness. Completely Sad. It was awful. I had rays of sunshine from my children. Especially my son crawling over and laying his head on me giving me hugs throughout the day.
The sadness overcame me. I got a call from a family member. This person gave me feedback on my blog stating that they weren't the only one to think that my blog made me and or my husband look really bad. After I got off the phone I really thought about it.
But I was already so sad and having a hard time that I felt like isolating myself.
I removed all my posts and had my cursor on the delete profile on my face book account, ready to end all contact from everyone so I could be alone in all my sadness and any critical eyes.
I held off on deleting the profile.
At 4:00 I was crying and thought that I could not go to my Visiting Teaching appointments that started at 5. I almost called my companion to cancel. But I didn't. I just let the emotions come and subside and still went VTing. I'm trying to be obedient here. No matter how I feel. Even though I feel terrible. I don't want anyone else to suffer.

Luckily when I came home I saw my mothers car in the driveway. The only person that might might be able to help me, maybe. Help me in my suffering. Wade went to his scouting. And my mother helped me a lot. She was a little cautious of me. I couldn't hide the pain showing in my face and she could read it. She really had the spirit with her to say the things I needed to hear and listen to the few things I can even say out loud. She helped me get my vision back.
thank you thank you thank you

I thought about the feedback I received on my blog and I feel that it is true. I am speaking the truth about what is going on. Admitting to my weaknesses and that things are hard for me right now. I geuss that may be uncomfortable for someone that I am admiting these things. I don't want to pretend to be perfect and I want to be more down to earth with other women so we can help each other. Isolating myself is not the right thing to do. Deep down I don't want to do that. My hope is that through sharing I might help someone else and be helped myself.

Any thoughts? You can comment anonymously if you want to. Is my blog too personal? I'm not afraid. I am curious as to what, those of you who read this stuff, think.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bitter Sweet

my Grandpa died last night

it was just a little over a month ago that we went to see him

i feel so much peace about that

he was so happy to see us and we all cried. i thought to myself over and over "we made it, we made it."

Amazingly at 92 years old he could navigate a computer and use the internet. His mind was so sharp. He was such a good man. What a great reunion he is now having. Thank you Grandpa for the great life you lived, for the great example you are, thanks for all the love and the stories you shared.

"You know what Julie?"

"What Grandpa?"

"I love ya.

I think your really special."

"I love you too Grandpa"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This is me, my thoughts, who I am

I am happy with it

Tonight I had a farewell time with my primary kids. The valiant 12's. I am really going to miss them. We had a good time making cookies and delivering them. I felt bad that I hadn't done it before with them. I absolutely love teaching senior primary. It is very comfortable. I love the singing time as well. If you want to feel warm and fuzzy, go into primary during singing time.

I'm thinking about the responsibilities of my new calling and the sisters I will be serving. I'm excited and nervous. Now is the time to grow again. Just when things get comfortable, change comes.

During sacrament meeting on Sunday I kept thinking about the mother with cancer.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

During primary they were singing about families being together forever and I quickly had to look away and think of something else. I didn't want to cry again. The daughter of the mom with cancer was sitting right next to me singing her beautiful little heart out. I feel bad leaving her for someone else to teach because I want to keep a close eye on her. She is an amazing girl and now that her mother is in treatment she makes dinner every night for her family and is taking over teaching school to her younger sister.

When your mother is sick you grow up fast. That is what happened to me as well growing up. My mother was sick a lot. But not with cancer. It is a heavy load to carry. Trying to help keep everything together. I remember being so terrified that my mother would die.
The gospel has been my anchor.

I'm feeling peace about my life and the choices I have made. I feel the Saviors love for me. That is the greatest gift. I wish for every woman to feel that same love. It is there for all of us.

This summer during this difficult financial time for us I felt so insignificant. I felt discouraged and wondered if the Lord heard my prayers. I thought, "Are you really aware of me?"
And in that moment. Immedietly came to my mind something in my patriarchial blessing. That the Lord would look upon me very closely. A total peace came over me and I cried in gratitude. Ever since that moment I feel okay. Knowing that we are doing our best and that He has a plan for us. That He is there listening, watching, blessing me in ways I'm not always aware of. Putting my trust in Him. It feels good. Very good. I want Him to lead the way.

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?

And do you hear and answer every childs prayer? (even mine??)

Some say that heaven is far away.

But I feel it closer around me as I pray.

Heavenly Father, I remember now...

Something that Jesus told disciples long ago,

'Suffer the children to come to me'

Father in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, He IS there

Speak, He IS listening

You are his child (yes me!)

His love, Now surrounds you.