I am Light

I miss my beautiful sister.
I change the sheets on my bed....every two weeks the latest! So, what was that bug doing in my sheets??!! AAHHHH! But I only found one. I looked for more. So I decided to wash my mattress cover. :-s

My mind has been working hard this past month. I've been trying to figure out how to have a happy life realizing that I will never fully grow up. I'll always be that daughter. "Oh wait until I turn 18 and move out of this house." "I can't wait until the day when I have my own family." I don't know what I was thinking but it gave me hope during tough times. This last month I wondered where the hope was. Why can't the chaos of a certain family member go away? Am I plagued forever? So I've been learning some new things to help me. Oh, its so frustrating. Sometimes I feel good about things. Then it turns sour. I'm trying to reclaim my power and my boundaries. This helps me:

Thank You Heavenly Father
I am safe
I am protected
I am nurtured
I am powerful
I am bravely facing my fears and they are powerless in my stare
I am content

Thank You God
I am happy
I am breathing fully and freely
I breathe in all of life's strength and joy
I move thru life with grace and ease
I am enough
I step into my life with trust
I am peace
I am just noticing and observing
Thank You God

I say these things out loud to myself. I'm trying to control the negative self talk and replace it with positive affirmations. The more I say it and think it the more it is true.

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-----MaryAnn Williamson used by Nelson Mandella

That quote hits home to me in so many ways. We can be happy in every stage of life and share it with others. It is so important to take care of myself. The way I do that is by taking a small moment of time every day to center myself; to pray, study, and refocus what is really important. I am in love with taking baths. I got in a habit doing it because it was the only thing I could do while on bed rest. Sometimes I would take two baths a day. And now I find myself thinking about the bath I'm going to take at the end of the day. I sit in the tub, think good thinks, and breath deeply. It helps me so much.

I have been thinking about the blogging and the lack thereof from me lately. Since my husband got a job I've been wanting to write about happily ever after. But the truth is, trials come in many ways and they don't end in this life. I don't want to be doom and gloom and I don't want to pretend to be rosy rosy honky dory. So I want to be honest and real and celebrate life with all that comes. I want to be cheerful no matter what comes. And I am starting to feel that more. I would say that this last month has been an evaluation of myself; Who am I? Can I heal and be happy? Is it okay to smile in the face of adversity? Can I?

With the affirmations and other things I am learning I feel like I'm making a change. I feel like the voice in my head is believing what I am telling it to say. Yay!

And lastly....I think so much about the difference between right now and this same time last year. I am full of gratitude that I don't have the same worries as I did last year.

Love and Light

My Birthday present from Wade. I LOOOVE it!

Lydia is standing on a stool while Bella is sitting in her bouncer looking up at her smiling as Lydia sings ABBA to her. "Suppa supapa doopa, somewhere in the cloud theres you...." "I had a dream, I had a dream, you can see the river......of the fairy tales..." "Mama Mia here I go again, my my I will never let you go." words are her own variation but she has the tunes down.

What a great big sister and helper. Mostly today she has been complaining about her nose that keeps running. She says she is sick of her nose! I just hope Bella doesn't get the virus. There is no stopping the exposure but maybe the immune system will stop it, I hope.

I spent time this morning trying to continue organizing one of my kids rooms. The organizing is never ending in this very small space. I keep thinking there is just too much stuff and I need to get rid of it. The main project was puzzles. Where do I put them?

I sang to Damon and Lydia while preparing their lunch consisting of chicken noodle soup from a can. "Damon Damon Damon do you love me? Damon Damon Damon do you care? Damon Damon are you thinking of me? Damon Damon will you still be there?" I kept singing that for all of their names and spinning around the kitchen. You should have seen their shy faces. Who me? and then they laugh and giggle. I don't even know where that song is from but I think my mom used to sing it.

I found out a week ago that my washer has been leaking for months. I couldn't figure out where the mildo smell was coming from. My whole flooring is soaked from my bathroom to the kids room. I had moldy blankets under the bunk bed. It will probably take months to dry. Wade said there is a big puddle in the crawl space. Meanwhile my hot water hose is turned off to the washer until Wade gets around to fixing it. I'm not used to ever waiting for something to be fixed. Usually it is fixed immediately. I am so spoiled I guess. Meanwhile I have only cold water to wash clothes in. There was a couple of loads of laundry I have been waiting for hot water for. Will they get cleaned without hot water heating up the small particles loosening up the oils? Oh well. Plus I can't stand my soap. It has no smell!

My birthday was nice. I felt happy. The weather was perfect. Warm, sunny and no wind. Who can ask for anything more? Tomorrow I hope to be climbing Angels Landing with Bella and Wade. I think that will recharge me. I'm going to go as fast as I can since we won't have small children hiking along. Can't Wait!!!

Lydia is now sitting on the stool and she positioned Bella's bouncer next to her facing the TV as The Little Mermaid is coming on. That has to be one of Disney's best films ever because of the music! I loved that movie when I was little. Its neat how some things are timeless. I know I haven't been updating my blog lately. That is because........of life. Some things can't be blogged about. Too bad! I actually wish to blog about it. But can't. Soo look for my book to come out in about 15 years!