I cooked.

From about 11:00 on today I cooked on and off until 4. But I was happy to do it. I realized to myself, I do love to cook, I do, I like cooking. I just don't like to cook every day. When what you love becomes work....that's when its not fun anymore. It would be amazing to have every other day a cooking day. So today I made chicken noodle soup, my noodles were beautiful this time. Why can't I improve on my mothers technique for cooking noodles?...I thought to myself. I used a pizza cutter to make straight even lines. My mom would have been proud. I also made an awesome apple spice cake. I've been wanting to make one for a few days. I made a caramel sauce to go over it. Yum yum! I then made my best dinner rolls. I was able to deliver part of this feast to a new mom in the ward.



Also I left my cell phone in the car last night by mistake. And I thought about it a couple of times but liked the fact that it was away for a day.



My kids were pleasant and charming today. Damon gallops around the house. It is so cute. At night when I put him to bed he does this noise and points to the door. I know that he wants a drink. I say, "Oh you want this?" and I point to my mouth and whimper and pretend like I'm drinking from a cup and that I'm really thirsty. He laughs and laughs and does it with me as he shakes his head emphatically as if to say, "yes yes that it what I want." Someday he will speak.



I keep thinking how delightful and pleasant Lydia is to be around. I love the way she moves and speaks. She is so easy to be around. I think I'm actually going to be really sad when she starts kindergarten. She is like my little friend around the house and such a great helper with either Damon or Baby Bella. The year before Andrea went to kindergarten she was on my case all the time about what we were doing all day. Its amazing the different personalities.



Andrea is my little grown-up poor thing. She worries about everything. I feel bad lately because we argue before school about getting ready and then when she comes home we argue about chores and homework. I've got to figure her out better!



Bella is my Angel Baby. She is eating rice cereal and fruits. She loves it! She is such a happy baby! I'm enjoying every moment. We took her with us on our date Friday night to dinner and a movie. She was sooo good it was unbelievable and at 6 months.



I marvel all the time that I have four kids!

I don't believe in Santa Clause.

Every year I struggle with the lie. Why? I really do not get it.

I don't understand this whole Santa Clause thing at all. I never remember believing in Santa Clause when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I was the youngest of 6 kids and my parents stopped putting any effort into Santa. If I did ever believe, I don't remember it. Why should an imaginary person get the credit for MY gifts? How about you better be nice, or I won't give you presents this year? And when does it all end? When do I break the news to my sweet child who believes with all their little heart that Santa is real? All the movies, all the books, all the ploys and stories that we as parents do to keep Santa alive--it feels almost wrong. He isn't alive. If I didn't create Santa, there would be no Santa. My daughter said last night, "I must not have written it right in the letter to Santa last year because I said an all about me doll instead of an American Girl doll. He must not have known what I was talking about. Because my cousins all got American Girl dolls and I asked them how they got it and they said....Santa." What do I say to that? I will continue the tradition of our society and Santa will come, but I don't like it. I like keeping Christ in Christmas. I would rather the idea that we give gifts for each other because we want them to feel special, loved and appreciated. We give you gifts because we are so grateful you are a part of our family and we are honored to make the sacrifices we do to love, raise, teach and serve you. We give gifts because we are grateful to be given the greatest gift of all......the gift of our perfect Savior and his Atoning sacrifice for us. We give gifts to our children because they themselves are a gift to us.

I am Light

I miss my beautiful sister.
I change the sheets on my bed....every two weeks the latest! So, what was that bug doing in my sheets??!! AAHHHH! But I only found one. I looked for more. So I decided to wash my mattress cover. :-s

My mind has been working hard this past month. I've been trying to figure out how to have a happy life realizing that I will never fully grow up. I'll always be that daughter. "Oh wait until I turn 18 and move out of this house." "I can't wait until the day when I have my own family." I don't know what I was thinking but it gave me hope during tough times. This last month I wondered where the hope was. Why can't the chaos of a certain family member go away? Am I plagued forever? So I've been learning some new things to help me. Oh, its so frustrating. Sometimes I feel good about things. Then it turns sour. I'm trying to reclaim my power and my boundaries. This helps me:

Thank You Heavenly Father
I am safe
I am protected
I am nurtured
I am powerful
I am bravely facing my fears and they are powerless in my stare
I am content

Thank You God
I am happy
I am breathing fully and freely
I breathe in all of life's strength and joy
I move thru life with grace and ease
I am enough
I step into my life with trust
I am peace
I am just noticing and observing
Thank You God

I say these things out loud to myself. I'm trying to control the negative self talk and replace it with positive affirmations. The more I say it and think it the more it is true.

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God: Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-----MaryAnn Williamson used by Nelson Mandella

That quote hits home to me in so many ways. We can be happy in every stage of life and share it with others. It is so important to take care of myself. The way I do that is by taking a small moment of time every day to center myself; to pray, study, and refocus what is really important. I am in love with taking baths. I got in a habit doing it because it was the only thing I could do while on bed rest. Sometimes I would take two baths a day. And now I find myself thinking about the bath I'm going to take at the end of the day. I sit in the tub, think good thinks, and breath deeply. It helps me so much.

I have been thinking about the blogging and the lack thereof from me lately. Since my husband got a job I've been wanting to write about happily ever after. But the truth is, trials come in many ways and they don't end in this life. I don't want to be doom and gloom and I don't want to pretend to be rosy rosy honky dory. So I want to be honest and real and celebrate life with all that comes. I want to be cheerful no matter what comes. And I am starting to feel that more. I would say that this last month has been an evaluation of myself; Who am I? Can I heal and be happy? Is it okay to smile in the face of adversity? Can I?

With the affirmations and other things I am learning I feel like I'm making a change. I feel like the voice in my head is believing what I am telling it to say. Yay!

And lastly....I think so much about the difference between right now and this same time last year. I am full of gratitude that I don't have the same worries as I did last year.

Love and Light

My Birthday present from Wade. I LOOOVE it!

Lydia is standing on a stool while Bella is sitting in her bouncer looking up at her smiling as Lydia sings ABBA to her. "Suppa supapa doopa, somewhere in the cloud theres you...." "I had a dream, I had a dream, you can see the river......of the fairy tales..." "Mama Mia here I go again, my my I will never let you go." words are her own variation but she has the tunes down.

What a great big sister and helper. Mostly today she has been complaining about her nose that keeps running. She says she is sick of her nose! I just hope Bella doesn't get the virus. There is no stopping the exposure but maybe the immune system will stop it, I hope.

I spent time this morning trying to continue organizing one of my kids rooms. The organizing is never ending in this very small space. I keep thinking there is just too much stuff and I need to get rid of it. The main project was puzzles. Where do I put them?

I sang to Damon and Lydia while preparing their lunch consisting of chicken noodle soup from a can. "Damon Damon Damon do you love me? Damon Damon Damon do you care? Damon Damon are you thinking of me? Damon Damon will you still be there?" I kept singing that for all of their names and spinning around the kitchen. You should have seen their shy faces. Who me? and then they laugh and giggle. I don't even know where that song is from but I think my mom used to sing it.

I found out a week ago that my washer has been leaking for months. I couldn't figure out where the mildo smell was coming from. My whole flooring is soaked from my bathroom to the kids room. I had moldy blankets under the bunk bed. It will probably take months to dry. Wade said there is a big puddle in the crawl space. Meanwhile my hot water hose is turned off to the washer until Wade gets around to fixing it. I'm not used to ever waiting for something to be fixed. Usually it is fixed immediately. I am so spoiled I guess. Meanwhile I have only cold water to wash clothes in. There was a couple of loads of laundry I have been waiting for hot water for. Will they get cleaned without hot water heating up the small particles loosening up the oils? Oh well. Plus I can't stand my soap. It has no smell!

My birthday was nice. I felt happy. The weather was perfect. Warm, sunny and no wind. Who can ask for anything more? Tomorrow I hope to be climbing Angels Landing with Bella and Wade. I think that will recharge me. I'm going to go as fast as I can since we won't have small children hiking along. Can't Wait!!!

Lydia is now sitting on the stool and she positioned Bella's bouncer next to her facing the TV as The Little Mermaid is coming on. That has to be one of Disney's best films ever because of the music! I loved that movie when I was little. Its neat how some things are timeless. I know I haven't been updating my blog lately. That is because........of life. Some things can't be blogged about. Too bad! I actually wish to blog about it. But can't. Soo look for my book to come out in about 15 years!

Shall the youth of Zion falter in defending truth and right?
While the enemy assaileth, shall we shrink or shun the fight? No!

While we know the pow'rs of darkness seek to thwart the work of God,
Shall the children of the promise cease to grasp the iron rod? No!

We will work out our salvation; we will cleave unto the truth;
We will watch and pray and labor with the fervent zeal of youth. Yes!

We will strive to be found worthy of the kingdom of our Lord,
With the faithful ones redeemed who have loved and kept His word. Yes!

True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
To God's command, Soul, Heart, and Hand,
Faithful and true we will ever stand!
Hymn 254


I think about this song a lot. I really hope my children understand those words. I also think about the psalm of Nephi. I keep wanting to read it over and over. When I first read it a couple of weeks ago I thought, "yes yes yes this is exactly how I feel!" It is awesome. I've had such a hard week. But with that sorrow for her I have felt comfort and conviction in the gospel plan. Everything will work out. Be true to your faith!

My heart is breaking for you and yours.
I am so worried about you and scared for the future.
Can't you see I love you? Can't you see we all do?
Please don't leave! I'm so sad.
All day I keep crying over you.
Don't you know she needs you? What will she do without you? Please stay! Don't go!
Think of all the good times we have had. Think of all the good times yet to be. I care so much about you. We are all so worried for you. I believe in miracles. I believe in the cealing power that binds us. Every day I will pray for you. And someday you will come back and I will cry tears of joy when you return.

At this moment I am enjoying German Chocolate Cake with ice cream for BrEaKfAsT!!!
My kids are with the hubby so no one can see! Terrible I know!! It is quite Divine. Thank you Cheryl, I kill you now!

My camera is broken. I have no pics but I went to my cousins wedding. It was a happy day!
The temple got a hold of Bro. Callister and he told them I was worthy to go in! I couldn't believe I forgot my recommend. It was a little tender mercy that I could still attend the temple. We had a great lesson yesterday in RS about tender mercies. Tender mercies happen daily from Heavenly Father that let us know he knows, cares, and loves us. Sometimes people call them nice coincidences. But if you pay attention during your day, you will recognize them. Sometimes they are acts of kindness from someone. Sometimes they are feelings of comfort and peace. Sometimes it is something random throughout the day that happens that helps you or stops something disastrous from happening. Maybe something disastrous happens like poop in the tub and grape nuts all over your counter and floor and you some how don't get mad and it doesn't ruin your day.

Doesn't anyone like the new look on my blog? Your all phantom readers!!!

I think my tummy hurts now. Thanks again Cheryl! And did you Freeze your big fat three layer piece of cake??? I think not!

My day: lots of housework and cleaning up from the trip. Deposits, invoicing, feeding people, playing with the people, FHE and.....Maggie Moo's????--i don't think I'll be ordering anything!