Memoirs of a Mormon Mommy

Life Thoughts~

2012-02-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

As I write I can smell Pine Sol. As I mopped I thought of the black Pine Sol commercial lady. She talked with a lisp. I miss seeing her commercials. "Whats in your bathroom and kitchen? A bunch of dirt, germs and nasty smells."
I am grateful today for the couple of quiet hours I have had this afternoon as my babies are napping. I cleaned my floor and tightened up the kitchen. I cleaned the top of my stove. Every time I clean my stove top I think of my sister Lori when she came for Christmas one year. She cleaned my stove top and asked why it had gotten so dirty. Since then I've tried to clean it more regularly. Sometimes you just don't notice things like that especially when you are using it all the time. "Oh my stove top is filthy. I should clean it." hhmmm...
As I mopped I thought a lot about this life. I finished mopping and decided to kneel by my bed and pray. What a great opportunity to pray since my babies haven't woken yet. I was very excited to use this quiet time. I talked to Him like I would a dear friend about my thoughts.....
I thought a lot about people I know and their struggles. Here we are struggling for our salvation...alone. But we shouldn't be doing it alone. No one is ever alone anyways. But we also have people all around us and yet we are struggling alone. That is very silly. We must share and reach out to each other. Help one another. Lets not be scared. We don't want to be judged and we don't share. Yuck yuck yuck.
When we share it gives other people the permission to share. The thing is we are all the same down deep. I love that I know this.

This life is only a moment in our existence. The real living is in the next life. The scary thing is that what we do in this small amount of time on the earth determines our circumstances in the life to come. But if we put it into perspective its comforting to know that our trials are temporary and for our good so we can grow. Our mistakes are important for our growth. We came here to make mistakes. It was the only way for us to learn. We are hear to learn how to choose good over evil. That's what it means to 'work out our own salvation.' The important thing is to learn from our mistakes, repent from our sins and continue on doing our best in keeping the commandments. Well I've been thinking about how important knowing how short this life is. Sometimes I think of the sacrifices I make being a member of this church and choosing the calling of wife and mother. There really is no sacrifice too great. I am blessed so much for it. I have so much peace and joy with my family. I feel the spirit. To me there isn't much better than that. Jesus Christ gave the greatest sacrifice of all for me. When I think about that, I know I can accomplish what I am asked to do. So once in a while I get tempted and feel sad for a moment that I'm not out traveling the world or something. But then immediately I think another thought that I will be able to do that and so much more. Some of it hopefully in this life but if not, in the life to come. Its awesome knowing that! When we do what is right we are building great eternal rewards!! Yay!!

Tomorrow is love day. I hope to have a smile all day and share unconditional love to all I can.
Love & Light~

My Lydia Doll

2012-02-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

As I laid in bed last night the tears rolled down. I was thinking about the afternoon with Lydia cuddling while reading books on my bed. It was quiet while the babes took naps and Andrea at school. It's been so nice having one on one time together. She is such a sweetie with those big brown eyes. She sings and prances around the house. I'm going to miss those afternoons.
Her teacher said that Lydia didn't do well with her dibbles evaluations. It has to do with sounds and speech for reading. Her teacher recommended that Lydia start extended day so that she can be more ready for first grade. I don't want first grade to be harder for her than it will already be. School is a lot different than when I was in kindergarten. They want children to be reading by the end of the year.

She wasn't happy about the idea. But after lots of talks and me pretending to be happy and how great it will be she got a little excited.
Friday morning Wade put on his school shirt and went up to the school. He helped in Lydia's classroom. The teacher had him pull individual kids into her office and work on letter sounds. Then he went and helped in Andrea's classroom and helped the kids pass off sight words. Andrea has been begging him for awhile to come help at her class. I think it was really good for him. Now he is more tuned in to them and their needs. He went down and picked up Lydia and ate lunch with her and Andrea at school to prepare Lydia for Monday all day kindergarten. They had a great time. He took Lydia down after lunch to her knew extended day class and met the teacher. Then he took her home. Lydia was very excited. I was so happy for my good husband to go to the school and help Lydia prepare for extended day. I love him so much! He has been so objective about the whole thing. "She needs it, she is going." Mommy is the one having the hard time!!
Friday afternoon knowing it was my last afternoon with her before extended day kindergarten started was emotional for me. It felt like tears were in my throat......
I was sad.
Two of her little friends who are twins came by and gave her a little purse her mom made for Lydia and pictures for her in it. They said they were going to miss her while she is at extended day. They play a lot in the afternoons and won't be able to now so easily. Lydia was very happy and said it was her favorite purse! She immediately went to find special things to put inside it.
Sunday even before church Lydia was saying she didn't want to be gone all day. That night I put sponge curlers in her hair--that was the cure. She was extremely happy and excited to go to school with all those curls!

The day went ok. 12:00 came around and I was thinking about her and how she would usually be home at that time and I would have lunch ready for her. She is always happy to see me and give each other a big hug. Not today. I kept myself busy to not think about it.
She came home at 4:00 and was grumpy. I sighed and was afraid it was going to be this way everyday. She didn't want to talk about her day. She rushed off to practice the piano (after her first lesson she has practiced every single day without me asking her!) Meanwhile I talk to Andrea and prepare a snack.......

The next day went about the same. Not so grumpy this time. She told a little bit about the day but not much. She is asking when I'm going to pick her up early. I told her that sometimes I will pick her up and we will skip the afternoon class and go to McDonald's. She is really looking forward to it. Over all she likes her teacher and the kids in her extended day class. I think she is very happy at school and likes it. She comes home very tired.

For me I think being a mom is amazing. The children grow through different stages very fast. Its sad knowing when they grow through a stage its gone forever. But its joyful while they are in each stage and watching them learn knew things. Some stages are more joyful than others. Some stages I'm glad to be over......but there is something about even the hardest stages I enjoy.

I wish I could be the perfect mom. The last few nights I've felt no patience. I heard my daughters fighting in bed and felt like its my fault. It makes me sad especially because that's what I fasted for on Sunday. More patience. Its not a magical thing that just comes. I think I have to work harder to have patience. Not necessarily hard work. But what I mean is pay attention and make having patience more of a priority. Take time to relax, breath, pray, evaluate and ponder on how I'm doing with the day and life stresses. Its so hard to know during the day what are the most important things to spend energy on and what is not important. So at one point around 6:30pm before I felt like I was going to explode, I went in my room and shut the door. I put a couple drops of an essential oil that my cousin gave me on my upper chest and laid on the bed and just took some deep breaths. I tried to relax and calm down and let my frustrations go out of me while I exhaled. I think it helped. I'm going to try it before my girls come home off the bus. That way I'll be calm and ready for them.

This morning my goal is to make my two week meal plan. Take my babes and get the groceries. The hardest part is the planning and shopping....after that the next two weeks will be smooth sailing with stress-free meal preparations!!

Lydia my doll is truly one of my favorite people!! Words can't express my adoration for her!!

Tractor

2012-02-06T11:40:00.001-08:00

Saturday we spent a few hours at the ranch with Grandpa. It's so good for kids to be outside and learn how to hang out while the adults are doing projects. Kids need to use their imaginations!
Love and Light!

Snow Day

2012-02-02T07:34:00.001-08:00

Its snowing today. I'm very glad. My running partner still wanted to run. I had light snow in my face the whole time. But I'm glad I got out of the house. I'll be staying inside today and making bread.
Love and Light~

Happy Holidays

2012-01-03T07:52:00.001-08:00

We had happy holidays. I hope you did too. We celebrated new years with crab legs. It was a great time! We went to bed around 10:30....early morning church the next day.
Today I'm helping out at the school. When I get home my goal is to clean my room! Love and light~

Still Small Voice.....

2011-12-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

We went to the temple. It was a busy morning. I woke up at 5 and went running with my friend. I made the 5 miles even though I feel out of shape. She kept asking me if I wanted to turn home shorter but my mind wanted to keep going. The body was slow. I felt really good afterwards. I got ready for the day very early than usual. I've not been running much at all. The days I do run my mornings are much better. This morning was very special because I was getting ready to go to the temple. Right before we left my phone rang and it was a member of the bishopric asking me to speak in church next week. Funny because Wade and I looked at each other last week in Sacrament meeting and said that it was only a matter of time before we would be asked to speak. This time it is just me. They used to call couples or families to speak together. They don't do that anymore. I'm excited to prepare the talk because I know it will strengthen my testimony even though it is nerve wracking and makes me nervous. We dropped the babes off to my friends at 8:30 and met up with another couple in the ward. I was very excited to go with them. It was their first time going back to the temple since they went their first time. I felt a lot of joy assisting her through. We barely made the session. The patrons kept whispering while we were changing. "Hurry Sisters! Hurry Sisters!" We got out and everyone was up waiting for us. I felt lucky they let us come straggling in. We would have done sealings if we missed the session and that would have been nice. But for some reason we were meant to make the session. We had grabbed some family file names at the entrance. I kept looking at the name of the woman I was officiating for. She was born in the 1700's, from France. Her name is Ann Marie. My name is Julianne Marie. I felt a great connection with her and I felt that she wanted me to do her work. I don't usually feel that. I felt the spirit more this time. It was really a beautiful time. I feel so blessed to have made temple attendance a priority in my life. I'm trying to pay more attention to others around me and take notice to any little thing I can do to help someone else attend the temple. Some people just need someone to go with.....

My brother who is gay called me. We hadn't talked in awhile. For family home evening we read "The Christmas Oranges." I remembered the Christmas Eve Wade and I spent with my mom and brother and Andrea as a little toddler. Steven had Andrea sitting on his lap eating oranges together while we read that story. It was a good memory. So after I put the kids to bed I called him back. It was nice to hear each others voices. We have a deep connection in some ways although we disagree on many things. We were able to have a great conversation and I felt love and contentment that we connected again. As a people we need to be respectful of our unique journeys....

Today was a busy day trying to go to the store to get milk and then off to the school to volunteer. I had to take Bella with me. It was....tiring. I helped the little kids with the sight words in Lydia's class. Then in Andrea's I helped with centers making holiday cards for their parents. Bella was getting into things and having a hard time. After an hour of that I felt so worn out! Their is so much work to do all the time. I want to relax more. It is hard for me to feel good relaxing. After feeding the kids lunch I don't want to do anything even though the groceries need put away and laundry folded. I just want to write. My Lydia has a couple of friends over and I forgot about Bella's 18 month appointment this afternoon. Last thing I want to do is go to that apt. I'm counting down the minutes. I'm thinking that I'm not making dinner. hahaha.

I'm trying so hard to be a good mother and wife. I'm trying to surrender my selfish ways and be more one with God's will. It is so hard!

One more thing I want to write. There are times when you wonder about how much the Lord cares about us individually. Does He really know me and care about my daily life? I had another experience that affirmed that Heavenly Father is involved in every moment of our life. I was preparing to go visiting teaching. My companion was getting treats together and I had a couple magnets and a couple of cd's to add to it. I had a hard time figuring out who should get a cd and which magnet to give. I prayed to have the spirit with me. I decided to take a cd to the first sister we visited. My companion saw the cd and said, "oh this is a great one that I have and my kids love this one song and love to play it over and over." The next woman we went to visit I was going to give the magnet to but remembering what my companion said I decided to give her the cd since she has young kids at home that might like that one song. The third sister we went to I had the magnet for. When we gave it to her she lighted up like a Christmas tree. She said, "I just saw this magnet last night and admired it and wanted it. I especially wanted my teenager to see it on the fridge. Maybe it will influence her." She looked at me like, "How did you know?" I felt the spirit confirm to me that Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us. We are his children! He uses us to bless each others lives. JOY!
Love and Light~

Joy in my Heart...

2011-12-07T20:00:00.001-08:00

My darling first born chose to be baptized. I'm so happy for her and the journey she has begun. More of my thoughts to come....
Love & Light~

2011-12-07T19:52:00.001-08:00

Phone and purse

2011-12-04T21:55:00.001-08:00

To be a kid....

2011-11-30T14:02:00.003-08:00

Since I'm on my phone I'll make it short. I couldn't resist letting them put their hands in the flour and feel the cool soft texture. I washed their hands first. Bella cried when I quickly put the lid on. I paused and thought, "why not?" They were very happy!!

Princess

2011-11-30T14:02:00.001-08:00

Bella brought me this Cinderella dress to put on her. Her first time!

Crazy Girl

2011-11-27T21:05:00.001-08:00

White Fence

2011-11-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

This morning Wade and I read a couple columns in the BOM. We are getting into some exciting stories. One of my fav's is was introduced today, Captain Moroni! I always kneel with the children before they go to school and say a prayer together. But this morning we rushed off to choir and didn't pray. We aren't perfect but I try to be as consistent as I can. If the girls don't kiss Damon before they run off he starts crying. He says, "KISS!" "KISS!" After they roll their eyes and kiss him, he laughs.

I keep thinking about Andrea and what she said on Sunday. She is easily thrown into a bad attitude. We had another good conversation before bed after she was stomping around mad. I talked to her about what she can do when she gets to the point of being really upset. 1st. Remove yourself from the situation. 2nd, Go to a quiet place and take some deep breaths. We practiced breathing. I told her to release her anger and frustration as she breathed out and let it go. She felt a lot better. Each child takes a lot of physical or emotional energy. Its a lot of work. Have I talked to each of them today? Is everyone feeling heard and happy? sigh

My Sister-in-law dropped off a piece of vinyl white picket fence with a cute Christmas sign hanging on it. I put it up on the worn out desk in the living room that the children color on or do homework on. I started looking at it throughout the day and realized. I have my white picket fence! You know the one everyone talks about.....they were living a great life with the white picket fence.....they even had a white picket fence. We all have that white picket fence. For me its lots of things. Firstly the gospel of Jesus Christ, my family, our health, Love......its all perspective. I would have to say that having a piece of white picket fence inside my house as a decoration is a great symbol! Symbols are very important if you don't already know!!

I'm determined as part of my repentance to teach my children to love the holidays and focus on the WHY of the holidays. Its the good news of our Lord Jesus Christ being born on the earth and that He still lives. I started trying to play some Christmas songs on the piano in hopes that I'll be good enough on a few songs by Christmas that the family can sing along. It is really helping me feel good about the holidays.

Last night my mom took Andrea on a little one on one and they went looking for white baptism shoes. She found a beautiful pair at Payless but they were not comfortable for her. They searched and searched and couldn't find any. My mom got worried but Andrea said, "It doesn't really matter what shoes I wear. What really matters is the going into the water and the coming out." I felt so proud of her when my mom told me that. It makes me again feel like I need to repent for arguing with Wade about the white baptism dress. What is wrong with me? I'm too worried about what doesn't matter. I'm going to try those breathing exercises on myself to let that stuff that doesn't matter go and quit worrying about pleasing everyone. I'm so Human!!

Love and Light~

Sunday Afternoon Ramble

2011-11-21T18:45:00.000-08:00

Church went well today. I think that Bella was much better than usual. Andrea had her Bishop interview to see if she is ready for baptism. It was very exciting as she prepared to leave. She has a good understanding of the basic principles of the gospel and wants to follow Jesus Christ. Earlier this morning she got very upset at her.....homework. Which I'm encouraging her to not do on Sundays. She is a serious girl and gets upset and frustrated easily. I heard her say that she wishes she never came down to earth because it is too hard. I was very sad and concerned and thought, "What 7 year old says that?" Is her life so hard? Is it because of me? Is homework and her not getting along with her siblings making her want to leave this earth?? I don't know if I should get mad that she isn't being grateful, scared because she needs some serious counseling or what! Is she just wanting a deep conversation and attention from me? That's what she got. We talked it all out. I'm thinking in the back of my head that she needs more positive reinforcement from me. Parenting is getting harder. I'm feeling inadequate.

Those raging emotions are really slamming me lately. One minute I'm feeling so good about things and the next I'm throwing something and crying! Its crazy but sometimes I like to throw things. Rags, brushes, shoes, toys. Usually I throw something when I'm alone and about to cry. Its wonderful. The other day I was crying and looking out my back window and had the urge to go shovel a bunch of dirt as fast as I could. I haven't ran in 4 weeks. I've really missed the fresh air and physical release. I finally went a couple of days ago with my friend again. I wore two sports bras and found it uncomfortably snug. When I got home Wade asked how my "walk" went. I told him I ended up jogging. He was not happy. Doctor said 4 weeks and I went running 3 days too soon. I've really transgressed. I'm actually a little sore (in my legs) and feel a little out of shape but not too bad. I hope to go all this week.
Back to the raging emotions. If running this week doesn't help than I'm going to give my dad another call. I'm wondering if I need something to get me through the holidays. Oh the guilt and pain to have this thought go through my head but its been bad for me lately. I'm sure he will just talk me out of it...again. Talking helps me a lot too. Its weird how it all got better and now its like the stress of the holidays is bringing it all back.

I'm going to the temple this week!!! I'm soo happy and looking forward to it. After black Friday shopping we are going to the temple! I love the temple and I know I am strengthened and blessed when I go. It also helps strengthen my marriage. I didn't realize that we were so consistent at going to the temple. We miss two or three months once in awhile. But we don't usually go longer then that. I have a friend that a few years ago we used to switch every month for at least a year. We started switching a little bit again. The reason I bring this up is because recently I watched another of my friends children while her and her husband went to the temple. What was shocking to me was that they haven't been to the temple since their children have been born and their oldest is 6. They have also never done sealings together. This really saddened me. I was so thrilled to help them go. It made me think a lot about the importance of going to the temple and also how hard it is to go when you have young children. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming to schedule someone to watch the kids for 5 hours...and I'm trying to always find free babysitting! -that makes it trickier!
It is WORTH it! Worth all the inconvenience and stress. It takes a lot of planning. I wonder when I go to church and see the good families there, who among them haven't been to the temple for a long time or they haven't been there for the first time. I hope to be more sensitive to those around me because I now know that I can't assume that everyone is going regularly. My primary teaching partner has a few boys who have some problems and she mentioned to me that she and her husband haven't been back to the temple since they got sealed earlier this year. They have no one to watch those boys who need adult--not teenage--supervision. I told her today that I want to watch those boys sometime soon before Christmas so they can go to the temple. However hard this will be for me to watch them, I want to serve her and help them in this way. We need to stand in holy places! One of those places is my home, (when I'm not yelling and throwing things :'( and the TeMpLe!

This week is Thanksgiving, Wade's birthday and Andrea's birthday (Black Friday and Temple visit). Its going to be crazy busy and lots of fun. I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and be happy! I'm feeling like I need to repent for being caught up in worrying about the budget instead of being Thankful and thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. I actually have most of my decorations up for Christmas--since my sister when she was here stated that I needed to do it earlier this year. I said, "Yes I will, Your right!" Because she said, "You shouldn't decorate for fall for three months and Christmas for only one month. Put your fall decorations away even though its before Thanksgiving. I thought, "why not?" I obeyed and now keep pestering Wade to get us a tree. "Can we get one today?" "Can we get one today?" "How about we get the tree today?" I won't go back to a fake tree...not yet!

Love and Light~

Mouse

2011-11-21T14:32:00.000-08:00

I was looking in my closet. Its getting colder and I went looking to the side of my closet that has my winter shirts. As I was looking I pushed back a few hangers to look at a shirt. And to my horror as I pushed them back there in my face, hanging on the middle of my shirt was a little grey mouse. I told my mother this later and she said excitedly, "Was it LOOKING at you??" And let me tell you YES it was. As a matter of fact! I screamed and jumped back onto my bed as the mouse jumped down right where I was standing and ran under my bed. I screamed and yelled! I didn't want to put my feet down. I couldn't believe what just happened. I'm not that jumpy about things, and wouldn't scream if I saw a mouse running on the floor, but to have it in my face like that....words can't describe!
I can't figure out why why why would the mouse be there on my shirt like that. I have no food in there! Apparently everyone is having this problem right now!
I still needed something to wear and my husband came in as I was crouched on my bed trying to look in my closet without my feet touching the floor. We bought some mouse killer type stuff that we have hidden in two places in the house being careful that no children would get to it. Like behind the stove for example. I keep wondering when I use the oven if I'll roast a dead mouse. But chances are the mouse will die somewhere else. I hope I don't find a dead mouse in my house!

Dead Mouse!

2011-11-21T08:04:00.001-08:00

Last night the girls said that it was stinky under the tv. We didn't investigate it but this morning I smelt it! Something was there! Something awful! It's terrible when your moving things around knowing your going to find something unpleasant....what is it?! What is it?!!
I found it! A dead mouse stuck behind the entertainment wires. I took needle nose pliers and grabbed it. It's skin was sticking and pulled off. I threw it away outside and cleaned the fur and skin off the wires with disinfectant wipes. It was a terrible thing to do. I think Damon gagged!

One of THOSE days...

2011-11-16T12:31:00.001-08:00

I've been missing my writing. So here we go....
Things have been going so well. Its like I've been on a happy high since my surgery, going to the drags, and my birthday. But the thoughts of the holidays put me over the edge yesterday. I'm sad to admit that I hate the holidays. I feel inadequate and worried that the children won't be satisfied Christmas morning. My husband and I are still working on our own groove with our holiday traditions and how much to spend. We don't have the kinks out yet. That causes me a lot of stress. The thoughts of figuring stuff out with the extended family also throws me over the edge! I also feel myself slowly getting sick.
So yesterday just plain stunk. I sent the kids off to school and then cried and cried. I was supposed to help out at the school but canceled it so I could stay home with my baby girl and have a good cry. I know I have issues! This life is not easy.
There are times when I just feel the frustrations of living in this telestial world and it hits me hard. At the same time I know that after I cry it out--think of the good things, pray for help, it passes and I feel better. So after I cried. I tried to be normal and do my normal things and smile at Bella. It was nice just the two of us. My mom stopped by to get something. I smiled and acted normal. She helped me fold clothes for a minute. I couldn't help it and started talking about how I didn't like Christmas and started crying again. So Lame! She lamely tried to comfort me and I just wanted to be alone again. After she left I decided to try harder and got my kids journals out. It took me awhile to write in all of them. Lydia and Damon came home and we had lunch. I laid down but after a half an hour I woke up and felt anxious to get something done again.....

Today I'm finally recovering from my bad day yesterday. I'm wanting to get started on the Christmas decorations so I can be done with it. My first baby is getting baptised in a few weeks. That is adding to my stress levels too. I have two birthdays, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and a baptism all within two weeks. It would be nice if I could go a year without complaining about November. But now there is a baptism to plan and that means people to feed. I'm super excited for her choice to be baptised but then I think about all the things to do......
So I want to get the decorations out now so that its not on my to do list anymore. I've been doing a lot of business stuff lately. This morning I went out and cleaned up the property, shoveling dirt and weeds that have blown in. I put a movie on in the car for my babies and got a good solid hour in. I came home and dried off the car from going through the car wash. I couldn't stand a filthy car anymore. Its a beautiful day. Its a little cool but sunny and still. The kids are playing nicely and the babies are sleeping. We are working a lot in this house to be nice to each other. Andrea started crying the other day because she thought Santa wouldn't come because she has been fighting with Lydia. I hope to raise these kids to be kind! I can't believe how hard it is!

Love & Light~

Little girls little girls...

2011-11-15T13:46:00.001-08:00

Bella's first pony tail!

Reflections

2011-11-09T05:31:00.001-08:00

My girls entered the reflections contest. They both drew beautiful pictures. But Lydia is going on to compete at district! Very fun!

Improvement

2011-11-08T14:30:00.001-08:00

I'm going to post from my phone now! This means more posts and more pics! Yay! These are a few pics from my birthday~
Love & Light

Hello Again

2011-11-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

That reminds me. I used to write Hello like this, Hellow. My good friend Carolyn always laughed and corrected me about it.

Finally I am in the second week post surgery. Its been a slow recovery and I'm finally feeling more myself. My day goes better when I take Ibuprofen. The pain went from a lot of pressure like I can't breathe to soreness around the incision. I'm trying to be good and not over do it. If I stretch my arms to reach for things or stretch backwards it hurts. I try not to do that. They sit really high. I guess it will take months until they are positioned in their normal place. I have to wear this sports bra thing that bugs me. It clips in the front and I usually have some of them undone because its too tight around the bottom where my incision is. So If I go without it in the night I wake up feeling like I need to put it back on. When I wear it all day I can't wait to take it off. I never needed much support before. So this must be a normal thing. You like to take the bra off because its more comfortable but then you need to put it back on after awhile for the extra support.

I'm very happy about having breasts again. Its very well worth it. I'm feeling like I look more proportioned. We'll see how the rest of recovery goes.

November 8th.
I had my two week post surgery check up yesterday. It went really well. Everything is going perfectly. The strange thing is that it is extremely hard to shave my arm pits now. The muscle in the inside of the arm pit is now stretched tighter causing a big pit in the arm pit. I didn't mention it at my apt. but the at the end the doctor pulled a card out of his pocket giving me a free complimentary axillary hair removal session. WooHoo!! I go back in four weeks for another check up. It was a snowy day yesterday but still managed to make it to the apt. I had a nice friend come with me. We had lunch and ran a few errands. One of them was to Dillard's to get fitted for a real bra. I haven't had any idea what cup size I am. It was a great experience and everyone should do it. Apparently everyone wears one to two cup sizes too small....
I am feeling so happy about my surgery. I will be even happier when I'm not sore anymore.

Enough of all that....

I had a birthday. I'm so bad lately at being consistent with this blog. There are so many things to talk about lately. It was a great day! I have turned 29. I feel completely content at 29. I don't feel like I should be older or younger. I am happy to be nearing 30 and feel like I have more confidence in my adult life now that a decade has past since high school. Got a little experience behind me. yay!
Its a very happy time!

My sister came down for the weekend for my birthday. It was great to have her stay with us. We mostly just hung out and let the kids play. We went out to eat a couple times and ventured to the store....by ourselves!

It was a nice birthday with lots of friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. My Aunt Kathy Step Mom painted me a picture:

Last year I asked her to paint me a picture representing my motherhood. I felt really unworthy to ask for a painting. "Who am I to ask for a painting?" But I thought why not ask anyways. I'm so grateful that she did! I can't wait to see it in person. This is such a sacred time in my life with my little ones. I never want to forget it and capture the feelings of this special time. I think the painting is a great likeness of me! I am thrilled!

Love and Light~

So let it be written, so let it be DONE!

2011-10-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

We took the girls to Grandma's house. Wade and I went on a little date to Chili's. It was great. I way over ate because they gave us a complimentary chocolate cake I couldn't resisit!
I thought about going on a last morning run but realized I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight. Wade said thats extreme to even think about running. I don't think so. I won't be running for 6 weeks. Ill have to go on lots of walks.
I had a restless night. We left the house at 6:45 AM. I couldn't wear deoderant, lotion or makeup.
I wore a big button shirt of Wade's, loose pants and slippers....and no bra! haha
The surgical center was clean and classy. The nurses were really nice too. I gave them a urine sample and changed into my gown and hair cap. No clothes underneath. They gave me an IV and the anesthesiologist came in and told me what he was going to do to put me to sleep. They gave me a anti-nausea patch behind my ear and on my hip and also in the IV. Apparently when they put you to sleep a person can get very nauseated from it. Doctor came (Doctor Marcus Peterson, he was great!) in and marked me up and said some jokes. I was really giggly and loopy already and especially when he put the sleeping stuff in the IV. They wheeled me into the operating room and I thought it was an awesome room because the beach was painted on the walls. I know I talked more and moved to the other bed but I can't remember because the medicine had kicked in. Next thing I know the nurse is talking to me and helping me put my bottoms on. They had put a white sports bra on me that snaps in the front. I'm supposed to wear it for the next two weeks. I don't know if I had my eyes open or not. I remember vaguely reaching for the nurses hand at least 3 times and put her hand on my cheek. I know a little strange. I don't know why I did that. I felt appreciative for her kindness. She gave me ice chips and juice. It felt like a lot of pressure squeezing my chest. It felt like an elephant was sitting on me. In the first pirate movie when Elizabeth fell off the wall and into the water, Jack Sparrow saved her and cut her corset off and she started to breath again. That's what I kept thinking about. Someone cut this corset off me so I can breath!! I was really out of it. Wade was talking to me but I had a hard time understanding anything. I started feeling a little woozy and weak as they helped me to the car. I was so tired my eyes wanted to stay shut the whole ride home. Wade gave me a pain pill and antibiotic to take. They also sent me home with a couple of anti-nausea suppositories. My mortal enemy--the suppository!! I put one in soon as I came home because I was feeling slightly nauseous and I couldn't imagine what that would feel like to throw up and make all my muscles tense and stretch. I was really sore and it really hurt to breath. I walk really slow and try not to move my arms. Doctor said to try to breathe deep even though it hurts to help stretch the muscles. I slept most of the day. Wade hung out with me and kept track of my medicine. I use a lot of ice on my chest. It sooths it and helps the pain. I started to get a slight fever. It was very very uncomfortable that first day. We watched the new Pirates but I couldn't hardly stay awake. I tried to be a tough guy and went to bed without a pain pill. It was a miserable night because it hurt to move and I had to lay on my back propt up. My body didn't like staying in one position all night but it hurt too bad any other way. At 3 AM I was hurting so bad Wade brought me a pain pill and I slept good another two or three hours. I went in the living room in the recliner with some ice and watched a little TV. I noticed that it was a little easier to breath. We went back to the doctors for a post op visit. He showed me some spots to push on to help the implant stay in the pocket as it heals. I looked at them for the first time. They are really puffy on the top and look funny. But once they settle down they should look just right. There is no blood. Just a little insision on the bottom of each one that has tape across it. The stitches disolve. Yay! This afternoon the insicion burns a little but its a little easier to breath and move my arms. We went to Costco and got some easy food to pull out of the freezer because I said I would not be cooking this week.
I wonder what my kids reactions will be. I'm hoping that I will do good not to lift Bella. I plan on letting her eat on the tile or on my lap and not get her in and out of the high chair or crib. I think I will be able to work it out just fine. My older girls are good helpers too. Back to my icing!
More tomorrow...
Love and Light~

Ready Set Go!

2011-10-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I cleaned the house. I mopped the floors, vacuumed, scrubbed toilets and tubs. Its like I'm nesting or something. I want the house just right to come home to from my little surgery tomorrow. The day before I did mountains of laundry. The day before that I made these amazing bread bowls and creamy broccoli potato soup. Well the bread bowls weren't the best I ever had but they were still good. It was fun to make and my first time making them. I just used my normal french bread recipe and made big rolls out of it. As I was making the rolls I all the sudden got this amazing feeling of happiness. I felt such fulfillment making dinner for my family. I also realized, "yes I do love to cook!" Problem is I get burned out and it turns into just a lot of work. Cooking to me is not hard but it does take time. Some days I cook. Some days I don't. Last night we had a crappy dinner of frozen pizza and tator tots. I hate that kind of food. No one else cared. I opened a can of green beans for Bella.

I'm feeling a bit anxious today and finally getting excited. I did a bunch of errands with all the kids since there is no school today. At 8 this morning I realized that I had visiting teaching appointments at 9. I quickly shampooed the girls room--badly needed and thought about canceling my apts since I didn't want to take all the kids. I remembered too that it was my turn to give the lesson and thought about the amazing Ensign this month on the Book of Mormon-- my favorite book. I read the lesson out of the Ensign and was soo happy that it was about the People of Ammon, which Wade and I had just finished reading about, and how they kept their covenants. The whole point of the message was to be covenant keepers. I love that! I love my covenants! I feel a lot of conviction to keep my covenants no matter what. It feels good to gather our strength together as women when we do our visiting teaching.
I took the kids to get some lunch at Wendy's and came back to the house to have a picnic in our backyard. I'm wanting to have a great day with them since they will be at grandma's for two nights. I'm pretty worried about it for Damon and Bella. I'm such a protective mother. I hate to have them away from me for longer then a couple hours. My girls don't know anything about whats going on. I don't need them worrying about me. I'm hoping to just tell them that the doctor helped me get my breasts back and that's it. I know they will be surprised to see me. It will be so obvious. After I stopped breast feeding Bella last spring Lydia said. "Mommy what happened to your....your....(she points) why are they so smaller?" ---yes it was lovely!

Tonight will be just the two of us for my last night of flatness! haha....aaahhhh!
I really can't believe its finally happening. I'm scared!

Now I'm going to hang out with my girls while my babes are sleeping until I take them to Grandma's.
Love and Light~

Annoucing the End....

2011-10-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Naturally Curvy Friends,
Those of you who are naturally curvy. Those of you who are curvy because your pregnant or because you just had a baby. May I have your attention:
Do you know how beautiful you are as women? YOU ARE! Let me tell you that I think you are beautiful. I think that curvy hips and breasts is beautiful. The times that I have felt the most beautiful and fulfilled as a woman is right after having my children. My hips are more spread out and my milk has just come in making my breasts full. Although you may struggle with your weight. I hope you feel its a small price to pay for your beautiful womanhood. So just to let you know if you don't know already--you are beautiful and attractive and blessed!
Love and Light,
Your friend Julianne

Dear Flat Chested Friends,
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! But I do not feel that way about myself. When I see you being confident while being flat it makes me envious and I wish I could feel more like that.
We know that some times are good where we don't care about the flatness and we feel fine, maybe even great and then there are the times we feel insecure and bad about it, or maybe you don't. My experience is that it is up (when I'm pregnant or nursing) and down (everyday I'm not pregnant or nursing). Yes I am thin and fit, but this having no curves, to me is not a good thing--ever. After having four children its not a pretty sight. I feel a mourning for my breasts. Where are you? Where did you go? I have a large rib cage and wide shoulders and this large empty space. I've had four children and yet I feel like I'm still waiting to grow up.
I feel so depressed about it that I'm getting them repaird. I hope you won't judge me for this. I feel guilty doing something like this for myself. I feel guilty to be struggling with such a vain thing as if I'm not grateful for what I have. Its very complicated! -- I can't handle it anymore. In two days I go in to return the curves that are lost. I should be excited about it. But I'm not. Its been a painful decision and I just want it over with. I don't know what kind of example I'm showing my daughters. It can be looked at as good or bad. But no one can understand how I feel unless you have walked in my shoes--completely in my shoes with my growing up and back round. I love womanhood. I love the body I was given. I love motherhood. I'm teaching them these things. I'm doing my best. Think what you will.
Love and Light~
Your friend Julianne

My further experience posted below...

The Missing

2011-10-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Oh dear here we go....
I have been debating on writing about this. I think I haven't known where to start. I also think its been painful for me and its scary to share painful things. What is the point? What good would it do? I think its a fascinating subject for religious women to deal with. I have been having a lot of struggles the past few months and on and off my whole life. My husband has been trying to joke about it by saying I have BD (boob depression). How is your BD today? My breasts which I had while my body was in full womanhood while creating life and feeding life....is now gone. Where are you?? I keep feeling angry and upset at our society and culture. I can't even be myself. I have to wear a padded bra to look like I have breasts because that is the culture. Women are supposed to have them. My bra doesn't even fit me correctly. Since there is nothing there holding it in place it is constantly trying to come up. If I loosen the straps to help keep it down the straps are falling off my shoulders. I hate my bra. I have no need for it. But I am a coward to go without it.--that's not accepted in our culture either. I'm not being my natural self anyways. I had breasts when I was pregnant and nursing my babies. They still weren't really big by any means but there they were. Now they have shrunken and gone completely away. Its horrifying to me because everyone and everything around me in this world since the day I took my first breath has told and shown me that even "orthodox" Mormon women are not to be flat. --That is my experience. We are modest and respect our bodies as a temple where the spirit dwells. But we are still normal sexual women who keep themselves clean, pure, and chaste to our husbands. We live high standards and every day implement and practice righteous principles taught by Jesus Christ and yet struggle to be living in a society who although commercializes Christmas, denies that we need a Savior or that we indeed have a Savior and disregard his moral teachings. I still feel the worlds pull on me telling me what I should look like. Its hard to escape. Its hard to figure out. Is it good to want to look your best and to feel beautiful for yourself or your husband?

When I was a little girl I saw my mother and aunts with their large fake breasts. As an adult almost all my sisters and sister-in-laws have them. My mother when I was age 11 went in for surgery because one of her silicone implants had ruptured. When they went inside they found her tissue with crystallized silicone attached to it. They said her whole body had the silicone and that they could never completely get rid of it. She went in to get it all repaired and replaced with saline (salt water). I saw the drainage tubes and a week or so later she had ME take the stitches out. It was all very traumatic. She was also very sick after that and acted like it was because of the silicone. I wondered if she might die. I was her emotional and physical care giver for a long time. She told me some day I would get augmentation because there was no chance I would have larger breasts naturally. "After I had children my breasts shrunk to prunes." she told me--and she didn't even breast feed. When I was a teenager it was easy for me to realize my fate. I started taking this mixture of herbs called, "Grow Bust" that was supposed to help your breasts to grow. I think I took it faithfully for a year with no results. It was a disappointment but I felt beautiful still. The media is brainwashing our children at extremely young ages. You see it on magazines waiting in line at the store and you see it on the commercials on TV advertising their newest garbage sitcom. If you don't have breasts you are unattractive and not sexy. I have noticed some flat chested models out there and they compensate for that with showing most of their skin. The boys are affected as well. I wont go into that...

I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I feel so ugly and miserable. After having four children and breast feeding each of them....I'm left with nothing but nipples that sink in. --I'm not burned or disfigured!..I tell myself. But something is missing. You are grown up---where are your boobs? The running made it all worse. I lost weight and feel like a curveless boy. Thank Heavens my hair is long again! I'd really be in trouble!

Seeing myself in the mirror is torture. I cringe. One day I said to myself. "That's it. I'm keeping whats left of them covered up and save myself the embarrassment." After a couple of weeks of that my husband was furious! I didn't see what the problem was wearing a bra....ALL the time. He has said yes you could use implants but you look beautiful without them. He wants to wait until we are completely done having kids and when we have more money. He has been very kind and never complains. Its all me. I'm feeling bad and insecure. Its hard to describe how deep these emotions are and how I can't seem to get over it. I feel like I have a lot of life stresses with dealing with regular life stuff....and then I'm dealing with this huge issue inside. I can't deal with it anymore. It is soo much work to be happy and healthy and yet this other thing is dragging me down. I keep trying to get mad at my husband for ridiculous things as if I'm wanting him to over compensate for my missing breasts. Its selfish. I feel bad for doing it and then feel depressed that I can't get over it. I know there is nothing more unattractive then an insecure, wimpy, depressed woman. I'm in the trenches with raising children and I can't handle being flat anymore. It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. I have to get it done. I can't get out of this society and its so ingrained in me that I can't escape it. I don't like it but here I am in the 21st century. This would be no problem if I was living in a little house on the prairie with no outside influences. I find myself wishing I could have lived in the 19th century. I would have been a great pioneer! If you know me you'd agree. I'm a tough outdoorsy girl...I mean woman!

I don't want to imply that all flat women should get augmentation. In fact the few flat confident women I see around I am in awe and envy and I think they are beautiful. Its more about how they show the way they feel on the inside that reflects on their outside. I wish I wasn't depressed about this. I wish I could get better. Its making all those "ragging emotions" intensified.
I know I'm going to feel better after augmentation. I've talked to a lot of women. One said that she instantly felt better and that her breasts are worth $100k to her. She doesn't like to show them off. She layers more then anyone I know. But she has them for herself and her husband. Others also say that its not a huge difference for the husband but they as women feel more confident and have more fun. Its a win win. Husband of course likes them but more then that he's attracted to a more confidant woman who is finally happy to be naked.

sigh....

The End.

Pine nuts and poop

2011-10-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

I now know why pine nuts are so expensive. We went on Saturday hunting for pine nuts. We drove and drove and drove. We searched and searched and searched. The pine trees that had a bunch of pine cones at the base of the tree usually had a bunch of pine nuts. You couldn't scoop them up. They had to be picked one by one. You also had to pay attention to the color. All the kids did pretty good. Damon and Bella were a handful but we had our red wagon and toted them around with us from tree to tree. Lydia decided to fill her bucket full of miniature baby pine cones. Andrea helped out a lot picking the pine nuts. After 5 hours of picking we finally had 1/3 of a 5 gallon bucket bucket filled. That's less then half. WoW! We had a great time. At one point Damon was screaming for some reason and all the sudden a bunch of coyotes started howling. It was awesome. The pine nuts are so yummy and over all it was a great experience.

I don't understand why I have to tell you a hundred times to stop putting your poopy toilet paper in the garbage. Why is that such a desirable thing to do? Toilet paper goes in the toilet!!!
Speaking of poop. There is poop in my tub right now. I need to disinfect and clean it up. I was in a hurry this morning and couldn't get it cleaned up before I had to leave. When I saw that Bella had pooped in her bath I hung my head. "NOOO! Why?"--I thought to myself. She on the other hand was all smiles. I scooped her up and ran to the other bathroom to soap her down.
I haven't decided what to do with the bath toys yet.

It is a beautiful day. I decided not to do any bottling this year. Its too much for me. I have a bunch of tomatoes before my plants all froze. I'm going to make salsa again. Why not? We all love it.
I bought these white chocolate candy corn flavored m&m's. They are soo good!

I have now written two posts about my flattness that I haven't published. I'm such a chicken. Those of you with any breasts at all consider yourself blessed. I wonder if any of you struggle with the same thing and would like to read my posts. Let me know.

Love and Light~

Forget Me Not.....

2011-10-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

If you didn't go to the General Relief Society Meeting broadcast last Saturday you really missed out. President Uchtdorf an Apostle of Jesus Christ gave an amazing talk. You can read the whole talk on lds.org. These are the highlights and key points. Don't Forget these things!

A Ponder

2011-09-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

I am daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. He actually created me. Just as my earthly parents created my body, my heavenly parents created my spirit. That means they love me even more then my earthly parents. Just as parents take care of, worry over, watch over, teach, nurture and love you so does our Heavenly parents and more so. Their love is perfect because they are perfect. I can feel that love more when I am quiet and still. I love that I can communicate to heaven through prayer. I'm grateful to know this. I'm so grateful for His mercy and forgiveness and blessings He sends me. This life is only a moment. But it feels long and is full of lessons that are not easy. I keep thinking lately that I need to stop thinking selfishly. That I need to stop expecting things after serving someone. I'm trying to not let things upset me. Let it go. Let it go. And feel love and joy. Forgive those weirdos. Be happy.

My children are the greatest in the world. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I love to watch them and be together. I was thinking today and praying to help me listen to them more. Help me to be in the moment, stop and listen. I think this journey in life is hard. But I see the beauty around me and I'm trying to breath in all that is good and wholesome. I love my home because it is a safe place. I'm so happy to greet my children when they walk in the door from being at school.

My son is very sick with a staff infection. Luckily this one is easily treated. Him being sick reminds me of how fragile our bodies are. He is such a wonderful, sweet boy. He is talking more at home. He likes to use ropes to tie around things and he is so easy to be around. He doesn't complain about what we do. He has great motor skills and drives battery powered cars better then most 5 year olds.
My Bella is still not walking everywhere. But I catch her walking a few steps now and then. She is such a funny spunky girl! I hold her and want to somehow stop time. It makes me sad that she is growing so fast and I tell myself to remember how this feels! Look into her sweet eyes...don't forget!
Lydia is everyones friend. She is especially good to her younger siblings. Damon calls her Loly. He always wants to be with her. I think it is because she is kind to him and plays with him. She is also very good to Bella and helps keep her happy.
Andrea is a leader and is a deep thinker. She likes her space. She is a talented artist. She is creative and athletic. She likes to jump on Daddy and wrestle with him. She likes to be big but envies the attention Bella gets. I have to remember to rock and sing to Andrea more often. I tell her that everything you see us do with Bella we did with you and more. But I know saying that isn't good enough for her.

I'm so excited for General Conference this weekend. That is when the prophet and apostles speak to us and we can watch it from our own homes on TV. I'm praying that I will feel the spirit and learn.
Love and Light~

Finished!

2011-09-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I ran a 1/2 marathon down the canyon, 13.1 miles. It was beautiful and cool--perfect temperatures. I ran about 3 or 4 miles with my friend and than I couldn't quiet keep up the pace. I had my ishuffle and kept up my own pace pretty good. The trees were so beautiful and the red and white rocks of the canyon at times had a misty look. A couple of times I felt like I wanted to walk or stop- be done with it. But those things weren't an option and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Its interesting how I'll start feeling better and then after a couple more miles I'll feel tired and then I'll just keep going and then feel a little better. I felt really good and ended up being 2 minutes faster than my first one this summer! At the end I was able to kick up a gear and past a guy on the home stretch. I ran 7:38 min/miles and feel so great about it! Two halves make a full and I feel like I have sufficiently commemorated my 10 year anniversary of running the full marathon. I feel such great accomplishment that I am in the greatest shape of my life after 10 years and 4 kids later. I'm really loving my age and stage of life right now. I still feel really young and strong but I feel like I have some life experience and more wisdom. I am excited for 30 to come in a year and a couple of months. I think my 30's will be some of my best years yet. I think for me my 20's have been a huge learning experience of how to be me as an adult and of course how to be a wife and mother. I feel more comfortable and sure of who I am now. I feel like I've endured and conquered through a lot of trials and my own issues that has brought me closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. He truly is my greatest friend of all!

My son Damon woke up crying at 4 am. I went in his room and he said, "kisses, kisses!"
I gave him lots of kisses on his sweet face and he went right back to sleep. It was the cutest thing and melted my heart!
Love & Light~

Last Trip

2011-09-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

My dad and Kathy came with us to the Lake. We had the best weather and the best water! My dad rode the wake board and the knee board. This was the first time I remember going to the lake with him. We had the best time! It was so nice having someone come with us. I hate to say goodbye to the summer. ~ Love and Light ~

School Days

2011-09-07T06:16:00.000-07:00

Lydia and Damon started school!! My son is going to preschool two days a week. This is our first time sending a child to preschool. He is really excited!

Lydia started kindergarten! She is so ready to learn and be with her friends! She loves it!!

Unfortunately my mom had her route changed the day before Lydia started kindergarten and didn't get to have grandma be her bus driver. It was disappointing but there must be a reason for it that we will never know. It is really exciting when the kids start school. There is a buzz in the air. I remember it well when I was in school. With the start of school brings the energy of the upcoming holidays soon approaching. Part of me dreads the work involved as the holidays come but what makes it all worth it is the children. I wouldn't enjoy the holidays near as much without my children. I am excited for the baking and hot chocolate! ~Love and Light

Teething

2011-09-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

I was trying to get every second of sleep I could before I was up for the day. It is past 8 and I have two kids next to me in bed trying to wait for me to get up. Andrea comes pouncing in. "Mom I just bit down on my tooth and it went the other way now! Its bleeding, I think I can pull it out!""Oh that's good," I say groggily.
"Should I?"
"uhm sure."
"Really??!"
"yeah."
She tries pulling it out and can't seem to do it.
"Will you pull it out for me?"
I'm still half asleep but am still surprised. Usually I'm begging her to let me pull it out. I guess now that this is her 5th tooth to come out she is feeling less dramatic.....and so am I.
"sure," I say with little enthusiasm.
She brings me a long piece of tissue and climbs on the bed. I keep telling her to open her mouth wider so I can get my fingers in her mouth. I wrap the tissue over the tooth and with almost no effort pull the tooth out. She jerks back after I did it bewildered that it came out since of course she couldn't feel it. The tooth was barely hanging by a thread. Her mouth is bleeding and she couldn't be more thrilled for the day. What a great start to the day for a 7 year old!-life couldn't be better. Now for the next 2 hours she keeps bouncing around from mirror to mirror looking at the place the tooth dwelled. I hear none stop about the tooth fairy and how she might write her a letter or not and about how many teeth she has lost......
She still hasn't gotten her two top front teeth. Its been at least 6 months. She now eats on the corner of her mouth and always has food on her cheek. She wasn't chewing on the other side because of the above mentioned loose tooth. She never seems to care about wiping her face. She says to Bella very thoughtfully, "I'm teething too. I don't know when I'll ever stop teething."
It is so funny and awesome. I love the character that is coming out of my teething 7 year old!
Never a dull moment!

Good Experiences?

2011-08-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

So many times I have thought about writing the last two weeks. I haven't had the luxury of time to myself to do that. Today my little Damon went to preschool on a little bus. My Lydia also went to her first day of kindergarten. I had a few hours to myself with the baby. I'd like to say I played and frolicked in the grass with her the whole time, but no. She was my little buddy for a little while. Lydia last night before bed said she would keep her panties dry. I said that's nice that you want to, but we need the pull ups to be dry first. I told her she had to wear one but didn't double check her before bed. She wet her bed and then came and slept on my top comforter on the floor of my bed....which she also peed on. At 4:38 she was whimpering and I discovered what happened. I told her I wasn't mad but that she needed to wear the pull ups. I got my running clothes on and headed out in the dark with my running partner to get a long run in.-9 miles. I wore a head light and we both had our pepper spray. The running trail was VERY dark. I always get scared when we pass other runners/walkers. Mostly women by themselves! They are crazy. We heard some rustling in the bushes by the river and there was some man with plastic sacs. I wouldn't have been able to see him without my head light. It was scary. I have no idea what he was doing. We ran up a little ways and then waited for the woman we passed just prier to make sure she made it safely past him. I later called the police dispatch to report it.
My morning has been filled with washing bedding. That's what I've been trying to get at. And also working on my business books.
Last couple weeks have been my usual emotional roller coasters. Saturday my dad and aunt/step mom was in town at the ranch. We all hung out most of the day with the horses. It was great. I rode my horse which I haven't for months. It was wonderful to be in the saddle and couldn't help singing "home home on the range!" We gave the kids rides. My dad has been coming up more to prepare to cut down the herd by getting some of them ready for the auction. He hates to sell these amazing full blooded Missouri Foxtrotters for practically nothing but the market is way down. Every time he rides one he says, "Wow this is a great horse!" One of the horses is older and had a growth on its underbelly of some sort of skin cancer. He went to get a scalpel and cut it right off while she was tied up to the post. My aunt/step mom was a little surprised and kept asking questions. I thought it was funny to watch her reaction. I grew up with my doctor farmer dad do this all the time. Especially the castrating. Some people might think he is a little barbaric? since he thinks animals have no feelings. He loves horses but he doesn't treat them like humans. I laughed to myself thinking about his new wife and thought, "the things you don't know about someone...until you are married." Or maybe she did?
Andrea has not had near enough experiences riding horses to my shock and amazement. Little julie would never had expected that since I prided myself in my horse skills and thought for sure my kids would be in the saddle while wearing diapers. But it hasn't been the case since I'm either pregnant and nursing for the past 7 years. I was giving Andrea a nice ride in the big corral. I had worked my mare for a little while before getting on and then was riding her for awhile. But she wasn't worn out enough. I've ridden her hundreds of times but they are still animals and you can't always predict every movement they make. Sometimes you think you can. Andrea was getting comfortable sitting behind me when she kept asking to go faster. I thought well my horse is doing pretty good. We could do a slow lope. I started clicking at her and kicked gently to get her moving when she started bucking. Oh man I still can't believe it. It was the hardest buck I ever felt her do. Andrea flew off. I was sideways on the horse and decided I wasn't going to make it and let go completely. I hit the ground hard on my lower back. My sacrum to be exact. Right between my hips. I got up as fast as I could to get out of my horses way and fumbled back down because of the pain. Andrea has made it right in front of my face screaming her head off. I couldn't think straight with the pain in my back and her screaming. I yelled out, "Be Quiet!" "I'm so sorry dad!" What I meant was. I ruined it. I was trying to have a good experience for my daughter. My running days started flashing through my mind. Everyone came around and Wade took screaming Andrea away. I laid there on the ground assessing the damage. "Your going to be fine. It wasn't a big horse. You didn't fall that far. Your going to be fine doing your running." Dad and Kathy helped me up and walked me around. I started crying, "She will never forgive me!"
"Oh yes she will. Its not that bad." he said.
Weird thing was I kept wanting to cry. It was like the tipping point for a lot of emotions I've been dealing with lately and it was all spilling out. "My mom hates me!" yes that thought kept me crying. My adult relationship with my mom has been nothing but hell.
I was really sore. Andrea's head hurt her for a couple days. I've been icing my back and after 3 days I'm feeling pretty good, unless I sneeze.
On the way home I kept telling Andrea that she was now an official cowgirl. Your not a cowgirl until you've been bucked off a horse. Now you can brag to all your friends! You always have to get back on the horse and face your fears. ----I'm not looking forward to it.
Love & Light~

Back to School Feast 2011

2011-08-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

We had a back to school feast. It was very special. The table was set beautifully with my best dishes and fresh flowers. The kids wore crowns to signify that they are daughters of God. The food was so yummy. We had grilled salmon and zucchini, Caesar salad, wild rice, fruit with jello and grape/cranberry juice. We lit the candles and sat together. It was really nice. Afterwards Wade gave each of the children a fathers priesthood blessing for the school year. I even got one too! It was awesome and I'm so happy that my husband holds the priesthood~ it's one of the most important things to me.
Andrea is going into 2nd grade! We are all very excited and proud of her. Lydia starts kindergarten but not for at least another week. It was like torture for her to watch Andrea go to school and stay home yet again. But I tried to make it up to her by going to McDonald's and have a couple of little friends over this afternoon. I also cut her hair with bangs at her request. I think she looks really cute and reminded me of when I was a little girl with bangs, blond hair and brown eyes!

I keep thinking her name is now little Julie II! Its amazing how different she looks with bangs! She has a soccer game today. Yes it is soccer season and I'm so excited to watch her play!

This week I had a day filled with anxiousness. Then I remembered that I don't want to have total control over my life. I don't want things to go my way. I remembered AGAIN that I want God to be in control and that I want my life to follow His plan for me. I have total trust that He knows what is best and good for me. I don't want a power struggle with Heavenly Father. Especially because what I really want is His way all along. I just get scared when I don't know the end results. That's when I use my faith in Him--and the fear goes away and I feel peace. He knows the end result in every aspect of my life. It's so easy to lose perspective! When I realized this anxiety was pointless and got on my knees and let it all go in prayer, I felt so much better.
Love and Light~

Timing

2011-08-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Finally Bella is on the verge of taking off walking. All weekend she was in the dirt crawling around. Which stopped a lot of her finger sucking. We are practicing her walking--one of the fun parts of having kids! Andrea is extra excited to assist Bella in learning this skill.
There is only a few more days until school starts and I have a mix of emotions. I like not having a schedule and places to go. I also like a routine. The last few weeks my girls have been working more consistently on their chores. I'm trying to prepare them for school starting. Problem with not having a schedule is it gets a little chaotic. The kids start wandering around and complaining about their life. Sometimes I go crazy when they are ungrateful. Lydia lately wants to know what we are doing next and what friend she can play with next.....When its time to clean up or help out the girls throw fits and have a bad attitude. Its always the worst when we get back from doing something special. That's what really drives me crazy! My kids know nothing about timing. Do you remember how you used to plot out when and how you would ask your parents something? I remember figuring out just the right moment to ask my mom something trying to have the best odds possible for her to say yes. Well my kids haven't figured that one out yet. I was so bewildered the other day that Andrea at 7 1/2 years old would ask me right before dinner if she could eat a piece of candy or have a popsicle! I told her that she needs to learn about timing. How many times have I given her popsicles right before dinner? Never. What chance does she think she has that she will get a popsicle? The other problem I guess is that she has no care for time. She can tell time but chooses not to care about it. I think she will continue to get the clue that time through out the day is important.
The crying from Lydia today is off the charts. I think it might have to do with our late nights over the weekend. I'm going to be sure that everyone lays down for a little while this afternoon.

At 5:06 my alarm went off and I thought there was no way I was going running with only 4 hours of sleep. I'm so out of it that early in the morning. But I knew I wouldn't be able to fit in a run later today. I drug myself out of bed and met my running partner. We had a nice run. Its always nice to talk. I got home and went right back to sleep. I usually never do that. I like to read scriptures with my husband and get started for the day by getting ready before the kids get up. Not this time. I slept until 8 something. Amazing!
I woke up the second time and thought about my long week of school starting and Damon's birthday and felt overwhelmed with my to do list. I thought about Heavenly Father and His hosts of angels ready to swoop in and help me. All I have to do is get on my knees and ask for help. Although He knows when we need help and knows whats best for us He has told us through His prophets that He wants us to pray to Him and ask. In fact He wants us to pray always. That would mean....all the time! I felt happy to pray this morning and ask for peace and guidance and that His angels would assist us today.
Love and Light~
I think I will be posting a lot this week~

My Creation~

2011-08-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

I was in the store with all my kids getting school supplies. I was holding Bella when an older couple turned into my aisle. She stopped in her tracks and smiled brightly as she looked at me with my children. She said "Well she doesn't look a thing like you now does she?" I didn't say anything because I was weary with my task at hand and I wondered if she was really asking me that question. Then she said with a laugh, "A complete carbon copy!"
That cheered me up and I smiled brightly back. Funny because my mom keeps saying that.
"Bella looks exactly like you when you were a baby."
"But mom the hair."
"Everything but the hair. I get flash backs when I look at her of when you were a baby."
I know I should believe my mom but she has said that about every baby I have had. This time though, she says that even more so then the others that Bella look like me. It was fun to have another person I don't know say the same thing. It is really fun to have children and to see the similarities they have to me or Wade. How cool is it that God gives us the power to procreate? Its awesome!

Lovin' Summer

2011-08-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Summer Lovin'

Having a blast

Summer Lovin' wish it would last!

One of the things we have been able to do this summer is go to the lake. It is by far one of the funnest things I have ever done with my family. Each of us had a great time! I felt happy and free from my worries and stresses. I loved to feel the sun and see the beauty.

When we were getting ready to get back on the boat to go home I saw a woman on a wave runner circling near us waiting for her husband. I said something to her about wave runners being a lot of fun and freedom. She laughed and said that she was actually a paraplegic from the waist down. I was shocked! She said that it was one of the few things she could do by herself as well as four wheelers and snow mobiles. I felt so inspired listening to her and I could feel her happiness--It made me happy!

Learning

2011-08-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

That is her way out there riding away! You can barely see her she is so little!

I had a joyous moment when Andrea asked to ride the knee board. No the joy didn't come then. The joy came as I witnessed Wade teach Andrea. No the joy didn't come then. The joy came when I saw Andrea follow the directions given to her with determination on her face as she pulled herself onto the knee board and successfully ride the knee board for the first time. I hooted and cheered!
I'm getting a lot of joy watching my kids grow more independent. When I had only toddlers and babies around there was a lot of joy watching them go from infant to walking, smiling, and talking and discovering their new world. But then to watch them figure out some of their own problems, learn to read, wash their own hair, and ride a bike....that is a whole different realm of joy that...I am enjoying. I am in the most demanding, and joyous stage of motherhood. A couple of my kids are going to school and I still have a baby and toddler around. It is so fun and never a dull moment. I really love all of it!

A couple of days ago I needed to go for a run but didn't want to go by myself and invited Andrea to come along. She was super excited. I woke her up at 5:20 and she rode her bike while I ran. We got to main street and it has a slight up hill grade. Nothing very noticeable unless you were running or biking. She was having a hard time keeping up. I put one of my hands on her back as I ran to give her just enough help for her to keep going. I kept encouraging her and telling her that it will get easier once we get to the street light. She was a trooper and although her legs I'm sure were burning she kept going. Once we got to the trail we were going downhill the rest of the way home. She was so happy to be going down hill. I explained to her that she did such a good job going up the hill that she could really enjoy the down hill. If she didn't go up the hill she wouldn't be able to know how good the down hill felt. I told her that that is why we are hear on the earth, to learn the good from the bad. I've also been trying to get my girls to work better so that they appreciate when we play. This was a great example of hard work paying off. A week or so ago I also had a conversation with her about Adam and Eve. I was able to continue that conversation by explaining about the fall and how Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil so that they could progress by learning pain and joy. Adam and Eve didn't know how good they had it in the garden until they were cast out and had to work hard for their food and they also had a lot of joy from having children they couldn't have in the garden. I hope to continue applying these lessons in life to the gospel to help them build a good foundation for their adulthood. As I was running and Andrea was riding her bike and we were talking I felt really happy to have this one on one time with her. I think she really needed it too!

Food for thought is CHOCOLATE!

2011-08-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the start of a cold coming on. Its not fun. I don't want to be sick. So I've been taking it easy the last two days since I have a headache and sore throat. I'm surprised to have a virus getting my family in August. But it seems to be very light. At 2 in the afternoon I'm wanting sugar. I don't deny that I have taught my body to want sugar. I've gained a huge love for chocolate that I didn't have as a child. I liked "candy" as a kid, not chocolate. I still love my gummy bears and taffy but chocolate has become my new love of sweets. I love deserts. Part of me wants to kick the habit. But I think that would be a miserable existence for all of us. I know I'm teaching my children to crave sugar. It seems to be part of the culture that I can't get away from. We went to my moms for this huge dinner on Sunday. My mouth started watering when I saw the big plate of the most delicious monkey bread and a big pan of cinnamon rolls for us. It was evil. That kind of food is my biggest temptation! I had to be very mindful. ONE and only one cinnamon roll tonight. The next day I served the kids cinnamon rolls for breakfast and I told myself I couldn't have any until later that day. I wanted to gobble the whole thing up! I waited and waited and finally had one I don't know when and enjoyed every bite. After dinner we had them for desert after family home evening and they were gone. I was so happy they were gone! Wade bought See's candy last week. He hand picks each one. Every night for the past few nights he and I indulge after the kids go to bed. I think there are only 2 pieces left I want him to enjoy tonight. Everyday I'm thinking of what cookies or cakes I want to make for desert and stop myself. I throw candy away from one holiday just to be bombarded a couple of weeks with the next holiday--the stores have to advertise months ahead! Its ridiculous. If Wade said no more candy for awhile I would join in happily. But it has to be a unanimous decision. I'm thinking I will stop eating sugar someday because I'll feel crappy all the time.
Overall I watch what I eat. I eat what I want in moderation. And just because I'm craving sugar doesn't mean I indulge in it. Like this afternoon for example. I'm not eating sweets although my body sent a signal to my brain that said I want chocolate but really I don't. If I know I'm going to eat desert I cut back during the day and don't get too full at dinner. I think I eat pretty good. I don't buy potato chips except for camping and the left overs sit in my pantry until I finally throw them away. I only eat fries a couple times a year when I go to In and Out Burger. We have a lot of vegetables and salads with dinner. Sometimes on the weekends I will over eat a little. Meaning I get a little too full for comfort. But if I eat good all week its okay to relax a little on the weekends. I don't know why I'm talking about food. Overall I find it annoying; having to eat all the time to live.

Joy

2011-07-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

I'm having a wonderful time with my family this summer. I'm starting to feel sad that school is starting in a few weeks. I don't want Andrea to be gone every day until 4pm. When your the mom of 'little' children it seems so tedious doing every thing for them. Sometimes I think, can anyone do anything for themselves around this house? But as I'm watching them grow--I'm starting to feel a little scared. I don't want them to grow up and do everything on their own. I want them little and protected by me the Mama bear, lioness.

Andrea is so funny lately. She still has a big gap as her front teeth are missing. All day she has food on the sides of her cheeks because she has to take bites on the sides of her mouth. She gets tired of wipeing her mouth, I guess. She has been wanting to play with friends more her age and likes more alone time or following me around.

Lydia is my major drama queen. She has several outburst of crying and howling a day. Because she is unhappy with some injustice with her siblings or she doesn't like a decision I've made or because she needs help with something. She is also very sensitive. She needs more discipline lately but has to be dealt with gently. Andrea was invited to a birthday swim party and Lydia howled about it for two days. I just about went nuts. But she is also very sweet and loving when she isn't upset about something! She and Andrea have been playing so great together this summer. But like siblings, they either wake up playing or wake up fighting.....

Damon is very fun. He loves his naps and so do I. He is a cuddly boy but also rough and full of energy. He often makes me melt. I love how little and innocent he is--as are all my children. But since Damon is my only son I notice that I feel a little worried for him to grow into a man and face this cruel world. I want to protect him and keep him feeling safe, loved and happy.

I'm trying to teach all my children to be strong. I'm also trying to shelter, nurture and protect them. Its really terrifying. My favorite days are not the ones where we go to a theme park, or spend the day swimming, or doing something fun away from the house. My favorite days are the quieter ones at home doing the little things. I like the days when we don't have any place we have to be and we play the piano, read together, eat together, watch little house on the prairie, talk, cook, fold clothes, paint nails, clean up toys, pray, and dance as a family.

I look at my baby Bella and think, am I watching you grow enough? Am I looking at your face and seeing you change before my eyes? Am I too busy? Do I spend enough one on one time with you? Do I lay on the floor and watch you try to walk and figure out new things? Am I missing anything? And then I am glad for school to start in a few weeks. I'm excited to spend needed time with her. I don't want this day to end; this day of being with my children while they are so young and tender. In the scriptures it says that this life is a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God. Time goes by very quickly and this life is only a moment in our existence. My job is to love and teach my children.
That is what I will be doing today.
Love and Light~

First Half Marathon

2011-07-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

My amazing running partner April after the race showing off our finisher medals.

Wade and I took our kids with us to the Bryce Canyon half marathon. A little crazy to take our kids but that's what we do! Its a nice drive. We took the Motor Home which is so nice to have. The finish line was to be at a park in a little town and we parked across the street in the church parking lot. It was a nice spot to be where the kids could play in the grass. Wade cooked dutch oven potatoes and he cleaned up afterwards too!
I woke up at 4 am and got ready. The shuttle left at 4:30 to the finish line. It was really cold that early in the morning. They give you a bag to put your extra clothes in that they take to the finish line for you. They had a few fires going where people were huddled around. I met my running partner April at the start line. She said that she wasn't going to go for a pr and just wanted to run it with me. I felt a little bad that she would stay with me and not run her best but I also felt glad that we would stay together. My goal was 8 minute miles. We started off really good. Mile 2-6 was all downhill. It was beautiful. I was really hoping that the whole race would be down hill. At mile 9 I started to get really tired and had a hard time keeping my pace and it wasn't as much downhill as I hoped. I think my partner got a second wind at that point! She was really good to encourage me on. I felt strong, but tired. the last 3 miles were a killer. I wanted to go faster but couldn't. Luckily we were ahead of pace the whole race and ended up finishing at 7:47 min/mil. My finish time was 1hour 41 min 59 sec or 1:41:59. I came in number 13 in my age bracket and number 150 across the finish. I think there were 1500 runners. I was really happy to run around the bend to the finish and see my family cheering me on! I was especially happy to be done! It was a lot of trouble getting there and dragging our kids with us and I'm so glad that my husband was so good to support me, because it wasn't easy. I felt so happy to be doing something for my health and wellness after having 4 kids. I felt so alive and grateful.

We eventually made it over to Bryce Canyon. We stopped at Mossy Cave and did a very short hike and played in a cold stream. It felt really good on my legs, like ice therapy. We had a great time. We hung out while the kids worked on their junior ranger program packets. Its a free program for kids at every national park. They learn about the parks, how to respect the earth and wild animals and how to be safe. They collected liter and listened to a park ranger talk about geology. After they were done they get sworn in to be a junior ranger and was given a badge.
While the kids were listening to the park ranger about geology I was taking a nap with Bella in the motor home. Wade texted me a few times but I didn't notice it. He called to wake me up and said that Lydia really needed to go potty and for me to come get her. He said she was on her way. I grabbed Bella who was just waking up and rushed out to find her. The park was packed with people most of which spoke a different language. I kept circling the bathroom that had doors on both sides of the building, looking for her. I started to panic after I couldn't find her.I started praying, "Please please Heavenly Father don't let her get taken. Please help me find her." I texted Wade and he finally came over carrying sleeping Damon in his arms. We were both frustrated. We quickly went to the motor home to put Damon down when we saw the door open and Lydia who changed her clothes and went potty and was now coming out. We must have some how passed each other. I was so relieved and by that time Wade and I were ready to get home! It was probably a total of 10 minutes or so but they were long minutes! There is nothing more terrifying then not being able to find one of your children.
We thought about staying another night but wanted to get home to teach our church classes. I was so glad we did because I had an awesome lesson with my 7 turning 8 year olds about how the Holy Ghost helps us.
Love and Light~

Chevis

2011-07-14T07:15:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce to you the Chevis. It is a 1969 short bed 4 wheel drive Chevy truck. My husband bought it when he was 17 years old. He has done a ton of work on it but still has a lot of work to do to get it show worthy. It's a very sentimental truck because the first date we ever went on was when he took me home from school in the Chevis. After that we drove main on the weekends and he would race people sometimes at the stop lights. We went on every school dance that year together in the Chevis and did lots of fun things. We love it. It used to be his daily driver. After he went on his mission I missed him so bad, without even trying to I would catch myself looking for the Chevis when I would drive down Main street. In the school parking lot the next year I would walk out the door and my eyes would gaze to the back of the parking lot hoping the truck would magically appear in its usual spot from the year before right at the very back corner of the lot. Seeing the truck meant I would see him. It was an awesome sacrifice to get to miss him for two years while he served the Lord. I cried every night for weeks but I was so happy at the same time that he was doing something so good. Now here we are 12 years later living our happily ever after! Anyways, we now use more economical vehicles. I think the Chevis gets about 8 mil/gal. We store it most of the time and pull it out about once a year. I can hear the truck pull up from inside the house. It sounds amazing. It is so fun to ride in. It has a lot of power!. He rebuilt the engine in college.
We almost begged my mother-in-law to please come over last night so that I could go on a little date with my husband in the Chevis. It felt just like old times! It felt like a time warp back to when we first met. We went up main street to a fun little Thai restaurant. Its funny because recently I passed that restaurant I thought to myself and sighed, "I'll never get to try that place out." The food was amazing and hot just the way I like it! We had a ball and talked. My husband doesn't read my blog and I told him about my recent post and the comments on "Raging Emotions." He thought it was great and thinks that its a good idea to share and help each other. He is such a great man! After that we went to Wal-mart...how romantic right? Well I needed to get an arm band for my phone before the race. We also picked up the Rocky movies and the old Karate Kid movies. He was pretty excited about that!
It was a fun time for a full hour in a half!!
Love and Light~

Running Around

2011-07-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready for my big race on Saturday. The race is said to be extremely down hill. I had Wade drop me off at the top of the subdivision close to my house that is as steep as I can get. I found it difficult to figure out how fast to go. I think I ran too fast at first because I lost steam at the end of my 5 mile run. Wow it really kicked my butt. My shins or calves or something ached me all night. I'm a little worried now that I've not been training on enough down hills. When I got back from my run my kids were at the curb cheering for me. It was great. My girls begged to go on a run with me. After about 40 minutes of resting I went on a little 1 mile jog with them. It was really fun to run with my 5 and 7 year old. I couldn't believe how well they did. They didn't stop and chattered. I also noticed that they each had a very different running style. While we jogged I envisioned us running together as they grow into adulthood. I think, what a gift to give your child. Teaching them to love exercise and how to take care of their bodies and to do hard things and feel good doing it. Lydia said, "Maybe other kids will see us while we run and want to run with their mommies too."

I have felt really good today and happy. I look around at my house, that I chip away at constantly but never seems to look in order. I'm enjoying my life with my kids and husband. We all had a dental cleaning today and went at the same time. It was crazy! The dentist is such a nice family guy, I think he liked the kids running around! Andrea told me today that she is going to change her name when she gets older. That makes me a little sad to think she doesn't like her name. I hope that she changes her mind. Its hard because we tried and thought seriously about each of our kids names and we love each one.
The girls room is a big mess. I decided to let them keep it that way and keep all their toys out. I'm glad I did because they are really having a good time. They made beds for themselves on the floor where they have slept the past two nights with their toys set up around them. Its funny how kids don't notice where they sleep. It could be on their bed, on the couch or on the floor and they wouldn't notice a difference!
Love and Light~

Raging Emotions Part 1 {Revised}

2011-07-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

{I realized that a paragraph was deleted before I published this post and so I have tried to re-write it. It is in Italics}

I cried and cried. I wasn't sobbing or anything. I was just tearing up while doing dishes or rounding the troops to get in the car, or folding/putting away laundry. I felt a lot of guilt and discouragement. I don't want to yell ever. Why can't I not raise my voice to my kids? I wrote a long email to my dad. I had been wanting to call him for months now. I'm feeling like I need medicated I'm so filled with anxiety and feeling like I have a short fuse to out of control. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I think the real discouragement came too because I wondered if I have inherited these emotions from one of my family lines. "I'm doomed. Its in my blood. What if I can't stop this on my own? Is this out of my control?"
It didn't help that that morning I gave up during my long 10 mile run. I walked the hills and full on stopped running near the end and had Wade come pick me up. I felt sick and horrible the whole run. I kept apologizing to my running partner. It was just a bad day. I think there was a few factors as to why the run went so bad. I think I needed more food. I think I need more rest....and a couple of other things. That set the whole tone for my day, feeling terrible about everything.

I've started to talk to other women a little bit. I feel them out and if the timing is just right I'll ask.
"So, how are things going with your kids? So, how are you handling things at home with the kids? Are you taking anything to help you handle things?"
One person said she has come close a few times to take something.
One person hesitated and then said, "yes."
Sometimes they feel shame about it and don't want to admit it.
One old friend of mine was really open once I asked.
"Oh yes I'm taking such and such. I'm a mean mom."
I said, "no no I'm sure your not mean."
She said, "Really, yes I am......."
She proceeded to tell me about her life with the kids and how frustrated she gets and how hard it is. I thought, "Wow, this isn't something that gets talked about but we all go through it in one way or another."
Some times I feel like everything is going great and I am handling the daily life really well. Then something shifts and everyday starts to feel hard and like I'm trying to hang on to sanity. I hate those times. I feel bad about myself for not being perfect and I get discouraged about myself. I try to pray harder, read more, and run. This time I thought I must be crazy because I am doing everything I'm "supposed" to do and yet I'm having a hard time--still. Its like this horrible roller coaster of emotions that I want to end. Sometimes when it gets to that point I feel like the Lord will step in and help me through. He lightens the load and somehow I start feeling better and more able to handle everything. But when things are hard for me sometimes I'll think, "Do I have to get on my knees every half hour to feel relief? Is that practical? Is that normal? Is that a happy life?" I also think that sometimes depending on what stages my kids are in will make a difference. Sometimes all the sudden the kids stages will change and it will be a little easier or harder depending on what it is.
This day though was so hard and sad for me that I finally reached out. I'm so glad.
I think the tears came a lot this day because I felt like I wanted to talk to Dad about my emotional roller coasters. And that is scary to talk about. What if my fears are affirmed and he thinks I'm a bad mom on the verge of crazy too? I was admitting that maybe I need something to help me. That may not sound like something a daughter talks to her dad about. But since he is my Doctor Dad and he is kind and level headed and has been through a lot I went to him.

This section was deleted, as best as I can recreate it:
What my dad said:
He said that he was so happy to talk to me about these things. He said that we all struggle with the raging emotions of this life. He said that I'm a good mom and a good wife and that I'm not crazy. He says that I haven't inherited some kind of mental disorder or anything. He says that our brain has this subconscious part that is like a little child struggling to deal with the emotions which is different than our logical thinking part. He has studied models on behavior and how people deal with life. He said that the scriptures refer to this as the "natural man." How does one handle the raging emotions of this life? It is an interesting question that he asks his patients. He doesn't want me to get on medication right now and that he wants me to study some of this stuff first. It helps a lot just to realize what is going on in the brain and to then control this subconscious part of your brain by bringing it to the logical conscious part. He says that medicine can certainly help me but that it should be a temporary help. He says he gets frustrated with some of his patients that don't want to get better by working on how they are dealing with the raging emotions of their life and want to be medicated long term. Sometimes he tells them they need to find another doctor because they don't want to get better. He says that we all deal with these emotions. He says that no one is perfect in handling their emotions. We are all working on it. He says he wants to continue talking about this with me and that we all should be talking about it to help each other.

Afterwards I started having an upswing. I wasn't so hard on myself. I realized I'm not crazy and everyone struggles. I felt the burden lift off me just realizing that I can do this because its just life and I can learn and grow and keep trying. I feel like I've been given a lot of tools to succeed as a wife and mother and I just need to take it one day at a time. One of my family members said to me that she read an article about starting over. This mom was saying that she is good at starting over. Everyday starting new and doing our best and if we fail at something one day or didn't get something done we can start over the next day. I thought that was great and I need to look that article up. For now I'm not taking any medicine but if I do I'm not going to feel bad about it and know that it is only a temporary help.
I think there is more I would like to say and I will continue talking about this.
Please give me some feedback and tell me: How are you doing with the raging emotions of this life?
Love and Light~

Hello Again

2011-07-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been talking much. But things are going well. I'm enjoying the summer and plugging along. Its a lot of work no matter what I do. I suppose its just part of who I am....working hard, finding work to do. But raising kids is hard work, even when I do try to relax. Yesterday I had a hard time just relaxing and decided to weed part of the garden. It was awful because I also discovered that nothing was growing in one whole row. I'm not happy about it. I'm thinking that the seeds were pushed in too deep. I thought, "Why do I have a garden? My kids are too little to help out a lot and Wade and I can't even work on it together because of the baby. I'm not having a garden next year. Why ad another task to my plate....blah blah blah." The thoughts were rolling in. I did feel good afterwards. I couldn't help that because working in the dirt just makes you feel good.
I have been struggling lately a little bit with wanting to be upset. Why would a person want to be upset? I have no idea but I told myself to knock it off and be happy about things. Let go about the things I can't control and be grateful. Wow, what a difference that makes. Its like the circumstances didn't change, but my attitude did. I hope I can make it last so I don't have to tell myself to knock it off again......for awhile.
I had a great 10 miler this morning. This time I felt good. I marveled at how bad I felt the last time I ran that far and felt happy that this time I felt good. But now my legs are cramping up and my back is sore from weeding. My half marathon is in two weeks. I'm really excited.
This weekend was fun with the kids. Wade and I often just laugh and watch the kids.
Its a happy busy time.
Love and Light~
My post about honest emotions will be published tomorrow.

Wellness

2011-06-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

I think that being a mother has made me a better runner. I hope that being a consistent runner again will help me be a better mother.

I ran another 10K. It was my cousins birthday who just won the Utah Valley Marathon. She is amazing and I wanted to run this race to celebrate. My husband is curious as to why I would want to do that and he is wondering how many more I will try to run this summer. I don't know myself. But I told him that its like practicing all the time for basketball and never being able to play a game. I think if I don't race a little I will eventually stop running because I'm not doing it to lose weight. I already talked about it in another post so I'll stop talking about it. But the fun thing is that I came in first in my age again! I was so excited. This race had a lot of up hill. It was tough. I was in pain and discomfort not wanting to run anymore, but I told myself that the other runners were in pain too and that I can do it. I had my music which was a life saver. As I ran through the discomfort I also was thinking about the exhausting work raising kids is, let alone the deliveries! If I can do that day in day out this race is no big deal. I think everyone should be involved in running 10K's or run/walk 5k's. Its so great to be outside and run with people in the community, its like being around a lot of good energy and wellness.--a big group of the runners are moms like me too!

After we got home I felt more energy. I puttered around all day trying to get things done. I felt healthy and good. I also feel more aware of what I eat and try to be more healthy all around. I was so happy to see my husband who got the kids out of bed early to see me at the finish line. I loved coming into the finish seeing my little family and their smiling faces.
Love and Light~

Nominated

2011-06-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

As I said in my previous post I want to thank Sorta SuperMom for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger award! Very exciting!
The rules for accepting this award:
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate other bloggers the same award.

This is hard to think of 7 things to share about myself!
Here goes:

1. I am the youngest of 6 children and my parents divorced when I was 4. I think I'm a fourth generation Mormon on at least one line. If not, then my kids definitely are. It is a huge part of my life. I try to live the teachings of Jesus Christ in all I do. That doesn't mean I do it perfectly, key word I try! I have many relatives and friends who aren't active or Mormon and I love them and respect their different journey. I made the choice at a young age to be committed to the gospel. I made covenants and promises to Heavenly Father that I am determined to keep. I especially love love the Book of Mormon. It is the most amazing book! The stories are exciting and the teachings are life changing. When I read it, I feel so good and I know that the words are true!

2. I love to ride horses. My visitations with my dad included working on his horse ranch/farm on the weekends and horse pack trips in the summer times. We raise Missouri Fox Trotters. My dad, brother and I rode horses the most out of the family. I learned a lot of great lessons from my dad working on the ranch and riding horses. I gained a lot of self confidence and felt that I had a lot of value as a woman and that I am strong, smart and have a lot to contribute in this world. I learned to do hard uncomfortable things and to face my fears....which brought about a lot of satisfaction when projects were completed, muscles strengthened and a horse dominated into a fine, smooth riding, swift machine. Riding horses makes me feel alive and free. My season in life right now is difficult to ride horses but there will be more time for that to come!

3. In high school I found a love for sports. I love basketball. I was so into the sport I would have died right on the court if my coach asked me too! The lessons about life I learned through organized sports is priceless to me. I learned a lot about being part of a team, commitment, discipline, sacrifice and how to push myself when I want to stop. My first try outs my coaches asked: "Did you grow up on a farm?" They were surprised at my work ethic. My final game my senior year I made 31 points in one game. I also loved track. That is more of an individual sport. I'm not naturally fast but with a lot of hard work I finally made it to State in the 100 meter hurdles and took 6th. I love and hate to run. I love to sweat and feel good after a hard work out. Sports helped me so much and was one of my anchores growing up.

4. I ran a 26 mile marathon in 2001 with a few friends from school. I felt like I could do anything after that. Next month I am running a half marathon to commemorate that I'm still that same person from 10 years ago and 4 children later.

5. Although I wanted to be a nurse and finish college and go on a mission I knew that instead I would marry early in life. I wanted so badly to create my own family that was happy and together. I made the choice to be a stay at home mother and wife as a career. I felt that that would be fulfilling my highest potential as a woman and that that would make the greatest impact on society. Being a mother is the hardest most important job in this world. I do plan on going back to school when my kids are grown. {Actually the funny thing is that I forget to ever mention that I work from home. I manage a small storage unit facility! But my main job is wife and mother!} I am grateful for my mothers example of being there when I got home from school and watching her cook fantastic yummy meals for the family. She loved to cook and make everyone happy with full tummies. I gained a love of cooking from her! She also taught me a love for great food and the fun in eating out! She often took me to Mexican or Chinese restaurants. I would say her favorite was Chinese
----I'm very good at using chop sticks!
I married in the temple for time and eternity when I was 19 to my high school sweetheart. That also means that I was a virgin until after I was married.--which is not an easy accomplishment even for us Mormons! He is a couple of years older then me and so he went on a mission to England while I finished up high school and had a semester of college under my belt when he got home. Six months after he got home we were married. I love being married!

6. I often break out in song when I am home with my kids. I even make up songs and use actions to go along with it. I like to see the looks on their faces and they laugh. Andrea looks at me like I'm a big dork but the toddlers love it! I even do it when I watch my friends kids! It makes them feel instantly comfortable to see this goofy mom. As much as I wish I was a good singer like my brother, I'm not. I really have terrible pitch. Its embarrassing but I still like to sing! My favorite music is uplifting, churchy music. Not the depressing kind but more....uplifting, or soft music. It calms me.

7. Although it seems slightly appealing and sometimes I wish I was, and every once in awhile I will do one, the truth is and I'll finally admit it,---I am not crafty.

I now nominate these awesome women:

What Happiness Is
12 Makes a Dozen
Empowering LDS Women
Dear and Beloved

That was hard!
~Love and Light!

For Myself?

2011-06-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

I ran my very first 10K this morning. It went really well. I felt good which was a worry for me since I had a bad run last week. I kept chanting in my head, "I am strong, I feel Good, I am Amazing." Just to keep any doubts about myself away. It was really fun and made me feel alive and....myself. Is there a "myself" anymore? Its easy to lose sight of self when I've been in the trenches of pregnancy and young motherhood for 8 years now. I feel like there is something inside of me trying to get out more. I'm still here, trying to get some air! My spirit is needing a little nurture by taking care of this body of mine. This is something I can do for the most part before the kids even wake up. Although I never want to get out of my warm bed there is something greater inside me saying, "We have to have some air or we will die."---geese that sounds like Smeagle on Lord of the Rings! Who is talking now? hahaI run for myself but the whole family benefits. Maybe its not for myself as much as I think. I've committed myself to God and my family and that means I have to have a good self to offer. What greater gift to give to God and family then my best self? The sad, discouraged, I can't smile today self is pathetic! I don't want that self....and hopefully I'll see less and less of that one.

I've taken 10 years off from running. I'm ready to run again! I took 1st in my age division. And ran 47:05 (7:34 Min/Mi) I feel good about it!
Love & Light & Good Health To You From Me~

Summing Up the Day

2011-06-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

My hubby is welding right now at 8:30 at night. That's his way of relaxing and relieving stress. He loves customizing things and making things better. My girls are giggling on the trampoline with their sleeping bags. I wonder if they will stay there all night. My two babies are sleeping peacefully. Damon keeps getting in bed with us in the night. When he falls back to sleep I take him back to bed so I can sleep. He must have waken up in his bed realizing where he was and came back to our bed. That happened three times. I told him tonight to please stay in his bed tonight. I don't think he understood me.

I don't know whats going on with blogger. But I can't comment on most peoples blogs and I can't get a gadget to work to put my 'What's for dinner?' back on.

I've been taking a couple of weeks off from my two week meal planning and cooking from scratch. Luckily I keep a good supply of basic things and have been able to whip up quick meals. Tonight we had canned chili with a can of diced tomatoes and chopped onion. It makes canned chili almost homemade! Shredded cheese on top with a dollop of sour cream. Sour cream is a major staple at our house. I have to keep two tubes of it on hand. It goes in strogenof, cakes, tacos, chili,......
I also made a simple BBQ chicken on the stove with steamed broccoli and potato pearls (instant mashed potatoes). I never had instant mashed potatoes EVER when I was growing up. We did have some on hand only for cinnamon roll dough. Making mashed potatoes my husband thinks is labor intensive. But to me its easy and well worth it and most of the time the only way! You wouldn't believe the pride in my family over mashed potatoes. If anyone asks me to make them for our family event I start to feel anxiety. Luckily that never happens because Cheryl claims the honors and prides herself as the queen if its not my mom making them, who is the ultimate and first master and queen of the mashed potatoes. Food is a huge deal in my family. If you make good food you will be praised over and over again, but if it is bad--watch out. You'll never hear the end of it either. So it is a two edged sword! So when I bring food to an event, I get all nervous and wait for the verdict. "Oh Julie, this is the best Salsa I ever had!" "This....Julie...is the best Chicken Mexicali I've ever had." "The only thing that would make this banana bread better would be walnuts!" "Eww who made the pork? It has waaay too much sugar in it!" "Who wants to go out to eat because this is like desert!?" I have to laugh at this because I say my family when really its my brother James. Luckily, he almost always praises my food but I still worry!
I pulled out Rhodes rolls too the other day and had fried chicken with scones. Something I learned from my mother-in-law.
We had sandwiches even one night. Since it is warm out it feels nice not to have big meals planned every day. I'm really enjoying the break and looking forward to making my next two week plan.

I've been spending the last few days trying to get a handle on the kids clothes. The putting away of the small clothes and bringing out the bigger clothes and trying to figure out what clothes the girls won't wear, etc... I hate the clothes! Its a never ending ordeal! Today I think I finally got it done....for a few months. I spent time going up and down in the attic and now I have the creepy crawlies and can't stop sneezing. These allergies are ridiculous for me this year. I also got out the 72 hr kits and updated Bella's clothes in it and added cloth diapers. I'm such a weirdo because I got way too much satisfaction out of updating our kits! If the world ends....our kits will be ready! haha! Have I ever mentioned how completely Mormon I am?

I had a great day today with the kids. Although I'm tired, I love being with them. I'm feeling blessed with peace of mind today and I felt like I handled the day really well with the kids. Each day is a new day that I can try to be better then the day before.
Love and Light~

2011-06-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

Well I'm excited that a fellow mom blogger Sorta SuperMom nominated me for a versatile blogger award! I don't know what that means yet. So I'll be figuring it out and posting later.

This morning I ran at 5. Which I don't like to do because its dark and cool. I found myself running alone this time. When I'm running alone (with my pepper spray :) I find myself praying. "Help me please be a good wife and mother today. Help me quiet the raging child inside my head throwing tantrums. Help her be quiet and help me be mature, organized and prioritize my day with the most important things...."
The flatness is getting to me a little bit. I'm thinning down but I don't know if the flatness is worth it. I've got a whole post about that in the works...if I dare post it. My hormones I think are a little whacked and my emotions are raging. How does one handle the raging emotions of this mortal life? Another post about that in the works as well, if I dare post it.
I think I will because I think my truth would help others. Anyone interested in those subjects?

I'm happy to spend the day with my kids and hope for a calm mind even though my kids are fighting over my baby's new presents....
Love & Light

Beautiful Day

2011-06-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrate the birth of my fourth child Bella Marie.

I am filled with gratitude when I think back a year ago at my wonderful giving birth experience and all the tender mercies I had getting her here.

I look at her today and I'm filled with joy and happiness that she is my daughter and I am her mother.

Love & Light~

I see you...

2011-06-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

I ate breakfast with my kids this morning. We had cold cereal. I looked at their faces and watched them eat. I don't usually sit at the table and watch them eat like that. At dinner I'm usually buisy with talking to Wade about his day and keeping Bella happy. I need to relax and take it easy, open my eyes to my kids more.

After dinner Wade wanted to plant the garden. We didn't get very far and just planted a few tomatos. We are ditching the soaker hoses and water manifold and watering by hand. I'm hoping the garden will grow! We had an accident with Damon holding a spade shovel and Andrea running into it with her eye. I thought her eye got poked out because of her screams. I almost paniked. I had a hard time smiling and being pleasant. I finally made it to the tub to relax. When I got out Wade was in bed. I thought that was a good idea, especially since I had been up since 4:45 and ran 10 miles. I looked at the kitchen before I went to bed and sighed at the sight of dinner out and the dirty dishes. I gave in and just went to bed. I felt a little bad because thats something I'm trying to change from my up bringing (going to bed with a dirty kitchen) but this time I thought, "I don't care right now!"
Love & Light~

Help Me!

2011-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

My legs hurt. I'm really tired. Getting ready to go camping is a big pain. I don't really look forward to it these days because its so much work. I enjoy it when we are out and its good family time, but for me its exhausting. The worst part is after we come home; cleaning up, putting stuff away. It takes days before everything is normal again.
It seems to be the cheapest form of vacation for us and the memories are priceless. The kids love it. They get to be outside and use there imagination.
I'm excited this time to go to the dunes with my sister. We haven't ever done that together before. I don't know why I'm writing. I should go to bed. Good Night.

We woke up at 4:30 to leave the house by 6. We got about an hour away when we broke down. Luckily we limped it home. Wade was able to fix it by 2 pm and we went close by to camp instead of the dunes. We had a lovely windy time. The kids had fun. A felt crazy only a couple of times.

The day after we come home from being out of town is my lowest moments.
Another weekend we left unexpectedly and I wasn't able to have the house clean before we left. That makes the day coming home 10 times worse. I'm already so behind when I walk into the door. We left at 8 am to make it home in time to go to church. Wade called me the slave driver! But we already missed the week before and didn't want to find a teacher for us. We got home and bathed the babies and Wade and I worked together as a team. It was such a relief to go to Sacrament meeting. I forgot about fast Sunday but was happy to hear fast and testimony meeting. The meeting started off fantastic with a great testimony from a brother in the ward who just went to the temple the day before and was sealed to his wife and children. He bore testimony about the temple and felt that angels were there helping his children be reverent and able to make it through the ceremony. I felt the spirit so strong that what he was saying was true and noticed my husband tearing up with the spirit as well. I knew that all the rushing around that day was worth it to feel the spirit. We had a great time teaching in primary. The kids were so messed up with their schedules. Damon had been eating candy all day to keep him happy in the car. After church I had left overs to eat and Damon wouldn't eat it. He is on a total sugar high. He and Bella fell asleep about 4:30 and woke up at 6. Not good. Damon found some Doritos and left the bag on the floor and Bella found it and dumped the whole bag on the floor. I was mad and asked the household....."And who will be cleaning that up?" Andrea walks in from being outside in my leather boots and scuffs them up. My house remember is a disaster!! I completely lose it, yell and hid in my bathroom to take a bath. I sit in the bath and feel so overwhelmed and out of control. I'm hanging my head with defeat. I'm thinking I'm really going to screw Andrea up and feel hopeless. I start praying. But I still feel crazy. I can't handle the bath anymore and get out feeling guilty and hear two of my babies crying. Wade is some how tuning all of this out. I lay on the bed with the two babies who have stopped crying now that they are crawling all over me and cry out in my mind. "Help me God! Help me, Help me please!"
I realize that Bella needs fed. I, at this point am very quiet and lethargic. I notice Andrea is not around and find that after I got upset she went to her bed and fell asleep. As I feed Bella I hear Wade say with conviction, "Okay." As if he has now tuned in.
All the sudden I see magic happen. He rounds the troops and gains control of the house. The girls are working in their rooms and before I know it he is vacuuming the whole house. All of this brings the life back into me and I chip away at the kitchen and get it cleaned up. Andrea is avoiding eye contact. She spilled the hair box all over the floor and was cleaning it up after Daddy told her to. I knelt down by her and started helping her. I told how sorry I was for getting upset again. How I'm going to do better and I am working on being more patient. I said how we are here on this earth to learn and grow and that means me too. I said how grateful I am that she is my daughter helping me learn patience and how to be a better mother. I told her what a good daughter she is...... We hug. The house is almost spotless and I feel like I'm about to cry. I'm not overwhelmed, the kids and house are in order and I realize my pleading prayers were answered.
Love & Light~

Hello Friend

2011-06-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

Yes I'm talking to you. You know you don't say much. It makes me sad when its always me talking, you listening. Plus you don't even want me to know your listening. Am I all alone? I struggled today with the little things again. I know you stuggle too sometimes, course you don't mention it. I wish you would, then maybe I would be more motivated to keep writing and telling my story. Some days are so easy, some days aren't easy at all. I wonder sometimes what I should say, but you don't give me much feedback. Sometimes during my day the words start flowing into my mind of what I want to write. But then I wonder, why write it?
Love and Light,
Julianne

ps 3 post scheduled for the next few days

Spill

2011-05-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

The spills. The spills drive me crazy. Cup of Noodles spilled off the table and onto the floor. Why??? Because Lydia tickled Damon and off the soup went? I want to scream! I took a deep breath and cleaned it up. Please Don't Spill AGAIN!
My 11 month old has been learning to feed herself. There is nothing clean about that. Its never ending food messes around this little house.
They eat breakfast. An hour later they want a snack. An hour later they want lunch. I'm busy with business stuff and trying to get ready to camp. My hair is not done yet. My baby is sleeping and I know I have to move it before she wakes up and we go to the store.
But Damon is doing really well on the potty! Yay for that.
I ran last night. I read the scriptures this morning. And I'm still struggling with the little things...like spills. I'll never reach perfection!!! Oh well. So now I'm going to go pray and then do my hair and try to let all the little stresses melt away. What really matters???!!
Love and Light~

Training for the Potty

2011-05-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

On my anniversary last week my hubby and I were eating a fun lunch together, just the two of us, and he said, "There is something I've been wanting to talk to you about." I got a little nervous because he doesn't say things like that to me. I swallowed and listened.
"I really really want you to potty train Damon."
I laughed. Well it is very important to him. Evidently! I didn't say anything for a moment.
"I will help you on the weekends." I raise my eye brows. Really!
"If your willing to help me then lets start tomorrow," I say. I think that maybe Damon is more ready then when I last tried this winter. We keep talking about it and he mentions how he knows its hard because it must be. I say you logically know it is hard for me to potty train but you don't really KNOW what its like.....especially now with three other kids needing my attention. He says that's true and that again he will help. So This weekend we were a team potty training. He did help out a lot. Potty training is a big pain! Especially when you have to watch the trainee very closely. The few times he or I didn't watch him close enough an accident happened.
But honestly my husband is right. Damon is ready. The big difference now from 6 months ago is: He is talking more!! He will actually say pee pee and poo when he thinks he needs to go. He is aware of those pee muscles!!---major part of potty training he didn't have down before! Infact that's why I quite the first time. He had know idea when he was peeing.
The candy is a big motivation. We have to have some kind of reward. Yesterday he got really mad because I wouldn't give him candy when he only sat on the potty without going. He threw a big fit but I didn't give in. The next time he went in the potty it made it that much more rewarding since he had to wait to get the candy. Right now I give one m&m for going pee. I'm still waiting for him to go poo on the potty and I've tried to explain that if he goes poo he will get 5 m&m's! We do have accidents here and there but he is making progress. Wade is very happy!

May 25
I thought that boys were supposed to be harder to train! This morning Damon ran into the living room where I was reading BOM stories to Andrea before school saying, "pee pee." Usually I drop everything and run with the trainee to the potty. This time I said, "okay hurry to the potty!" Off he went and managed it all by himself! I couldn't be happier!!!

May 27
My Damon is amazingly ready! I can't even believe it. I think with the girls I tried a little too early or boys are easier! I'm amazed at how he is now just....got it. He gets it. He tells me when he needs to pee or poo and he is staying dry during his naps. He has the muscles down and he doesn't even need candy as an incentive. I don't understand it because candy was the only reason the girls would go pee but they were also 24-26 months. Damon is now 3 months from turning 3. Yesterday I don't think he peed all afternoon. Or he peed on his own without me knowing!

To read my potty training ideas and my first time trying to train Damon this winter read below.
December 14, 2010
The time has come. Wade keeps telling me to get going with Damon's potty training. Some of the signs that he is ready is that he poops in his diaper and then trys to get on the potty. He is able to undress most of himself and he "shows interest for the potty." He is past two years old. Although he still doesn't speak much he communicates well and understands us. He tells us when he needs his diaper changed.
Before you start. Go to the store. Buy a toilet seat. I don't like the little potties. They are messy and my kids didn't like them. The goal is to use the toilet anyways. Why have to transition from a little kid potty to the big toilet? Potty training is painful enough...for the moms that is!
Buy a kid step stool.
Buy cool underwear that the child would like to wear. Buy extra underwear!
Buy pull-ups (bye bye panties/underwear)
Buy candy. Candy must be small and something the child loves to eat. in ex. individual smarties, m&m's, jelly beans....
Why buy candy? Your child has no reason to go potty on the toilet. They simply do not care that much. There is no incentive to use the toilet except to have fun once inwhile and pretend to be big. What they do in their diaper is all they have ever done and it is comfortable. The candy is the only motivation to use the toilet. I tried using other prizes and stickers. Good luck folks using that. It didn't work for me. They have to want that prize...bad! Candy does the trick. You cannot give them any other sweets. During that first week of potty training you can't give them sweet juices and deserts. They have to want that candy!
Talk to your child about being a big boy/girl. If your child hasn't seen anyone going potty (which I can't imagin) then you must show them how to go. Your child has to see how it is done.
Tell your child that we are going to wear big boy underwear today and use the toilet.
This is important....talk to them about being dry. Its all about being dry. "We want to be dry today and you go pee pee and poo poo in the toilet." Show them the toilet and the seat and the step stool. You have to teach them to feel the front of their underwear to see if it is dry. Through out the day ask them, "are you dry?" Show them how to feel if they are dry. Being dry is the goal.
What I do is have them wear their new underwear with a shirt and thats it all day. I set the timer for 15 minutes all day. When the timer goes off I say. "Time to get on the potty." I do not ever ask in the beginning if they "want" or "need" to go potty.
If they don't want to go I remind them about the candy and show it to them.
"If you go pee or poo on the potty you can have a piece of candy." Sometimes they simply do Not want to get on that potty. If they are really resisting then reset the timer for 15 minutes and try again. Never force them on the potty. Persuade them the best you can and sometimes you can read a book to them while they sit on the toilet or play with a toy.
When they are sitting on the potty. Most likely not "going" we get off and set the timer again for 15 minutes. The child most likely wants a piece of candy for getting on the potty. You cannot whatsoever give them a piece of candy. This is very very hard to do. They will cry, scream and throw themselves on the ground. Do not give them a piece. Sometime during the day they will 'go' on the potty--it may not be until the end of the day!
Once they go that first time...its like the greatest event of the century. You must shout for joy, jump up and down, give them high fives, give them a hug, congratulate them for being such a big boy, call up daddy and share the good news....and of course happily announce that they can have a piece of candy because they went pee pee or poo poo on the potty.
Teach them to wash their hands after using the toilet.
The most frustrating part is that it is very exhausting putting them on the potty every 15 minutes and then they pee in their underwear in between those 15 minute incriments. You'll say to yourself, we were just on the potty and now you pee??
What is happening is this: they don't know about that muscle that hold the pee in and releases the pee out. They have never used it. They have no idea throughout the day in a diaper when they are peeing. It is just automatic for them.

second day:
Its pretty tricky potty training with two other children.
While I was helping Damon get on the potty while holding Bella when Lydia comes up and wants to hold Bella. I gladly hand Bella to her so I can better assist Damon. Lydia has been a really good helper lately with the baby. Soon after I hear a big thud and the baby screaming. Bella fell off the couch. It was very sad for poor Bella and mommy. My little Bella has been fussy and wanting me to hold her all day.

third day:
This is a disaster. We are having no success in the potty today. I'm hoping that he is figuring out those pee muscles. But he isn't. While Damon was on the counter watching me he started peeing. I said, "No, don't do that! Lets go to the potty. no no," He just stared at me like, what are you talking about? Plus you know he doesn't talk yet. I don't even think he was realizing anything was coming out of him.
So thats it. I'm done. He isn't ready and with three other kids I'm not pushing it when he isn't ready.
Wade wasn't happy but he isn't here during the day to see what its like.

I hope you enjoyed it!
Love and Light~

2011-05-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I got out of the house and ran 12 miles at 8 min/miles. I haven't ran that far in 10 years! At about 11 miles I started feeling really excited that I ran that far even though my hamstrings were getting tight and burning. Yoohoo I did it!! My friend and I talked and had fun the whole way. At one point I thought I was going to fall over from laughing so hard. It was a little stormy and we got sprinkled on a little bit. I'm so happy to run with someone. I know if I tried by myself it would take me a long time to work up to 12 miles and it would be much more painful. It's easier to push my body when someone else is doing it. My legs started really cramping up when I got home. I could feel the lactic acid making my legs stiff and hurt. I went to bed and woke up at midnight realizing that I was having a hard time sleeping because my legs were hurting so bad. I got up and took 800 mil of ibuprofen. It helped a lot and woke up this morning without cramps. I'm just a little sore.

My mornings aren't as good when I don't get up early to run. I'm going to try to make myself get up before the kids the rest of the week. Today I'm really happy and loving the rain. I made a sheet cake and am getting ready to have Navajo Tacos for dinner. We are feeding the missionaries for the first time tonight. After that Wade is going on splits with them for the rest of the night. I'm not excited about Wade being gone all day....and night but I'm sure it will be fun for him in the end.

Yesterday I made my best rolls (Lion House) and Pepper Jack Potato Soup. Talk about comfort food! It was so yummy. Its a recipe from the Food Nanny. Before I went on my run last night we had Family Home Evening. I am able to play the piano (at least the top hand!). Ya its pretty much awesome to have a piano!! We had a lesson on the restoration of the gospel. It was fun explaining how the gospel that Jesus Christ taught while He was on the earth has been restored again. We had a great time and talked about the priesthood too. We all bore our testimonies. While I was reading and showing a picture of John the Baptist coming down from heaven to restore the Aaronic priesthood back to the earth to Joseph Smith and then later the Apostles Peter, James and John giving him the Melchizedek priesthood I felt the tingly feelings of the Spirit telling me that, that really did happen. I love it when I feel the Holy Ghost!
Love and Light~

Loving my Choice

2011-05-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

"Marriage, Marriage is what brings us together...today." (Princess Bride)

I can't believe 9 years ago today we were sealed in the temple for all eternity. When we were dating in high school I hoped that I would one day marry him and spend the rest of our lives together. I am so happy to be living "our lives" together right now. I believe that love is a daily choice. It's not something I "fell" into without wanting too. I choose to love.

In the Mormon culture we don't live together or have sex before marriage. So it can make it interesting when you get married to find out many things about your partner that you never knew before. I love how being married breaks all the walls and barriers and the "naked" truth is revealed. For instance when I got the flu bug for the first time after being married, that showed me in a different light that he never saw before. What is neat about it is that you say you love each other but after you go through the difficulties and hardships of life(and joys!!) together and still say I love you that's when your love grows and deepens. "He saw me like that and he loves me even more!?" Yay!

The thing about marriage too is that the things that drew you to that person and that you liked about them may start to drive you crazy or annoy you later. I remember thinking. "Oh, ya but I really liked him because of this quality." I think it annoys me sometimes because its different then me and its a different way. Its funny because that's part of why I chose him. Who would want to be married to themselves? I've learned a lot about how its okay to do things in a different way then I would do it as long as it gets done. What is important is being the same in ideals, goals, and shares the same values/principles. So in those ways we are the same. I think that is vital!!

Mostly I'm trying to let things go and relax. Most of the time when I get upset at Wade I try to think about why I'm upset and realize its actually about me. I'm actually having a hard time about something and trying to blame him. When I let things go, its like claiming my power. Because I have control over my emotions, I don't get into that irrational crazy behavior I grew up seeing. That's when you lose your power. The worst phrase is, "strike when the iron is hot." That is the worst thing you can do! It only causes damage that may never be repaired. You really can't take words back.

I love being married. I have learned so much about myself, life and family by being married and having children. My eyes are continually being opened as I grow. The greatest decision of my life was getting married to my good husband! He helps bring balance into my life and keeps me calm...........

Let the celebrations begin!!!

Love and Light~

ps Choose to love your choice!

Don't Slip

2011-05-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

May 14
Everyone is sleeping or watching a movie on this Saturday afternoon. I am sneaking on the computer to write for a minute before I clean up the house. We had a fun morning with my first grader doing a track and field day at the high school. It turned out really strange weather. Sunny for a little while and then dark clouds and windy rainy weather blows in and the kids are freezing. We survived and had fun watching Andrea race. She got 2nd in the 100M and 3rd in the 50M and she ran a 400 but started crying at the last straight away when she saw Daddy cheering her on. Poor thing said her legs hurt and she was tired. I think it was a long day by then! She wanted to quit near the finish but I wouldn't let her and had to drag her over the finish line. We decided to go to lunch to celebrate her hard work. We went to the park last night with snow cones and Wade kept talking about how wonderful our family is and what a great time we have together. It is so true. I love being with them, even though sometimes it feels like they fight all day! Tonight we are going on an overdue date. I'm really excited.

I went running this morning at 8 with my new Mother's Day present, an ishuffle. It was really fun to run to music. I think I ran a little faster because half way through I wanted to stop. The music helped me keep my mind off the pain and I made it through the route. I feel good about the kids seeing me run. Lydia and Andrea have both said that they want to go with me. I told Andrea how I got tired and wanted to stop but that I kept going anyways. I'm hopeing it will teach her something.

My wonderful new wave iron died. I'm pretty sad about it. Half way through my hair the other day it just stopped heating. I hope to get a new one before I cut all my hair off.

I was thinking today how happy I am with four children. I wonder if I could be a good mom to more then that. I don't know why those thoughts pop into my head. I'm feeling very content right now and I don't want that to change.

May 16
Today I am having an invoicing problem that is just about putting me over the edge. I manage a small business from home. But I have to roll with it and not get too caught up in the emotions. It is what it is and just do the best I can with the situation. After praying and taking a moment to breathe I realize that everything is just fine. I may not have dinner ready or the house clean today but I'm takeing care of the kids and some buisness--its okay!
I was ornery all afternoon yesterday. I got into a funk with myself. I don't like it and I realized that maybe it was because I was neglecting my personal prayers for a few days. We pray at meals, we pray as a family morning and night, I pray all day in my mind, but to stop and get on my knees and personally converse with Heavenly Father makes all the difference. My day is filled with more strength and patience and perspective. I'm constantly trying to work on being better. Its exhausting sometimes but the rewards feel tangible and obvious to me. The older I get the more I am learning and noticing the spirit in my life and the difference it makes. Living the gospel is not easy but for me its the only way. I feel almost desperate to succeed in having a happy family and a happy life. I grew up in a lot of chaos and fear and I want to change that for my family. Its uncomfortable to change and it takes this awareness in every moment of my day to choose a better way. So if I don't pray on my knees often, I start to slip.
{Lydia just told me that Panda Bears eat soy sauce!}
Love and Light~

Present With Each-- 4+

2011-05-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

My son Damon is in this Early Intervention program for speech delay. He goes every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half to play and....work on speech? He loves it, whether it helps his speech or not. One of the problems is that 2 ladies have to make house calls once a month for an hour each. It is a big pain for me since I am busy with 3 other kids. One of the ladies I think is coming just to show me how to play with my child. It is weird, and I'm about to throw the whole thing out the window. Luckily it is only for a few more months and he will go to the school district preschool. This morning one of the ladies was supposed to come.
I was trying to get the house in decent order and the kids ready. All of a sudden my 5 year old Lydia yells with tears.
"You said you were going to be a better mom after going to that womens conference and your NOT! Your the same!!"
I stop in my tracks stunned. She is crying and looking me straight in the eyes. Did I just hear her correctly?
I'm not better? I'm the same? What?
I about fell over at the honesty and heart felt....insult.
"Okay, Lydia lets talk about his. Come with me on my bed and we will talk."
She is crying and I think she feels bad at what she said but I don't let her know my feelings are hurt. I want to really figure out what she is feeling and saying.
"What do you mean I'm not better? What do you think I should be like?"
She doesn't say anything.
"Am I being a bad mom?"
She doesn't say anything.
"Am I yelling at you? Am I being mean? Am I making you work all day or something?"
"No," she says.
"Are you maybe a little bored and you wish you could go to kindergarten right now?"
"Yes," she says.
"Lydia I want to do fun things with you and we do fun things together but we also have to clean up and I have to take care of other things as well, like this lady is coming soon and I had to get things ready.
I know your having a hard time wanting to go to school like Andrea but soon it will be summer and we are going to have lots of fun and then you will start kindergarten. But for now how about we write a list of the things you and I can do together."
She really perks up and gets excited. "OKAY!"
"I'm going to get a pen and paper write now."
I start telling her each word I write.
Lydia and Mommy's list of things to do together.
"Okay, now you tell me all the things you would like to do with me and I will make a list." She gets excited as she tells me very matter of fact:
1) Jump on the trampoline together if its sunny.
2) Play polly pockets together when Damon is asleep.
3) Draw pictures together.
4) Paint Nails
5) Work on Preschool stuff
6) Go to the park, if its sunny.
7) Make cookies
8) Sing Songs
9) Make fans
10) Read books
11) Make Necklaces

Then we picked two things that we did today. We made necklaces and worked on preschool games. My Lydia is very easy going usually but sometimes she sort of has a melt down. I have to really put in a lot of effort to reach out to her and make sure she is getting enough of my attention and affection. For a moment it made me sad what she initially said to me but then I realized that it was her frustration of being at home with me everyday while she watches Andrea go to school. Sometimes kids also have to learn that mom can't just entertain all day long. We ended up having a great day. My efforts of two different 20 minute activities throughout the day with her made all the difference and she was happy and playing the rest of the day. It is tricky to learn balance with each child. Each child has to be nurtured, listened to, praised and given physical affection.
Sometimes I pray and ask, "Please help me notice and pay attention to something I need to address with each child. Help me to pick up on any ques that my child needs something from me. Don't let me fail one of them. Help me to understand each child and their uniqueness so that I can parent them the way they need me to. Help me be a good mother and present with each of them..................."

I'm feeling so happy lately with my role of motherhood. I know I'm getting help from above. I'm entering a great phase where I have school age kids, toddlers and babies. It makes it more fun. I can listen to Andrea joke and talk about school and her friends and querky things she thinks about. I can sing songs and explain cool things to Lydia. I can make funny faces and noises with Damon and laugh together. I can cuddle, rock, and roll on the floor with Bella. My husband is kind. Life really doesn't get any better. ---my house is small and most of the time messy but its filled with love and laughter.
Love and Light~

Mommy Day~

2011-05-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is tomorrow. I think I will wake up happy. Last year I was on bed rest. I couldn't go to church to hear my girls sing in sacrament with the primary, something I always looked forward to as my children are getting older. I was supposed to lay flat all day every day for weeks. It was hard. But I was blessed that day last year because I felt peace and contentment that I was bringing a healthy child into this world. I have a beautiful baby girl now. The struggles are so worth it! The Lord really helped me get through it. My mother really saved the day! She came in and helped me when I couldn't take care of the house, my kids, the laundry.....and so many people came and brought me meals and helped out! I have gained so much more experience and compassion by going through that. That was a great learning experience for me. I am so blessed to be healthy today and to have a healthy husband and children. Its amazing how a health issue can turn your world upside down.

Be sure to read my Mother's Day Post from last year on bed rest if you missed it!

I think that most of the time our minds is where the testing is when it comes to being a wife and mother. Its not easy but we can do it!

Today is Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to all women whether you've borne children into the world or not! All women are mother's in one way or another.
The day started off good with sticky buns and my husband and children with cards. Wade got me my own ipod shuffle that I can listen to music while I run! I am way excited about it! Soon after Wade said he wasn't feeling good. It got worse and worse and began throwing up. Its unusual for him to get the stomach flu. But here it is in all its glory! It has made the rounds at my house this week. I felt really bad for him because today was his only day off from working 11-12 hour days almost all week long. I feel like I haven't seen him much at all. Today I was basically bymyself again with the kids since he was sick in bed and took the kids to church. I feel okay about it because I'm sure we will make up some family time soon.
This afternoon I played with the kids a little by jumping on the trampoline with them. It was fun because its a little stormy. I'm so happy to be a mommy!!!
Love and Light~

Women's Conference

2011-05-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

Cheryl, Me, Christine

We ran into our cousin Sarcie and Aunt Holly and was able to sit together at a class!

Okay so it has taken me awhile to write this post about women's conference. It has taken me awhile to find any time because I'm trying to catch up on everything. Plus I got sick with my annual flu bug. And then all the kids took their turn. It has been a busy week and I also felt a lot of opposition trying to get me down after my spiritual high. I really hope to be more consistent in my writing.

Saying goodbye to my kids was hard. Again I know how lame I may sound. I never leave my kids and it was a big deal for me. I cried when I drove away like I knew I would. My husband was really great about it all. My baby isn't taking the bottle but we worked it out so that she would still get formula in a cup and from her cereal. My sister-in-law who is one of the greatest people I know picked me up and we had a fun ride up to SLC talking about what classes we want to go to. Women's Conference is two days at BYU and they have a main morning session and a closing session each day. The two morning sessions were my very favorite. Sister Pearce (Pres. Hinckley's daughter) spoke the first day and set the tone for the whole event. I felt the spirit so strong on and off during her talk. The second morning was Sister Julie B. Beck general RS president. For me feeling the spirit is sometimes a tingly feeling that goes up and down my spine. Sometimes its just an amazing good feeling inside that makes me want to shout for joy. Sometimes it makes me want to cry because I'm feeling so good.
As you drive into the campus area your already start to feel the buzzing energy while your in women's conference traffic. All these cars with women in them flocking for spiritual uplifting. Their are crowds on the sidewalks as you make your way to the main arena. Its really fun and exciting. While I sat in the Marriott center with thousands of women in there and we are singing and praying and listening, I felt amazing. First of all there is this feeling that we are all connected as women. We are not alone in our struggles and trials and joys. We have this common thread connecting us together, whether we are single, married, with children, without children, empty nesters......
There are a variety of classes to choose from. Some on technology, serving in the community, dealing with lose, being women of God, motherhood, infertility, strength in the scriptures, prayer, pornography, dating.....all kinds of topics.
Some things that I learned:
The world shows a false identity of women and mothers.
To find our identity and purpose takes a spiritual confirmation.
We have a unified purpose with Heavenly Father's sons.
We have a leadership of men's hearts.
We have an inseparable connection to the priesthood.
Home is where the priesthood works the best.
It is my responsibility to make sure that, "Mine is a home where every hour is blessed with the power of priesthood power." (primary song)
I am in the business of salvation.
I need to be a woman of strong faith.
Strong faith in Jesus Christ and in God's plan = Triumph
Difficulties are part of our growth. Then come the blessings.
I will always feel opposition.
Trials will perfect me.
I do hard things.
I will overcome through Strong faith.
God's power should be with me every moment.
Am I aligned with God's vision of me and what He needs me to be?
I should do anything to get on my knees to know what the Lord would have me do.
I am the Guardian of my home.
The mother lion: she is there, she is present, she protects and is in charge of the atmosphere in the home.
Prayers assist our children.
Lionesses are Not afraid. Guard, Protect, Teach, Love, Growl or Prance...if there is a need for it!
Live to lift and build.
Keep a watchful eye.Wake up mothers!
Don't pamper children, teach them to work.
Take Courage - It is Worth IT!
Keep it Small
Keep it Simple
Give it Time

There were so many great things that helped me with my perspective as a wife and mother. One thing that Sister Beck said that turned a light on for me was when she interpreted the scriptures into our day from 2 Nephi 28: 20-22. She said that in verse 22 that flattery and entitlement is something that we struggle with today. She said we aren't owed anything. We aren't entitled to help from our husbands. We aren't entitled to time or blessings. God doesn't owe me anything. We don't need to be flattered to know our purpose and worth. We owe everything to the Lord. Who owes who with the Savior?
A "Mother Heart"
Mothers Who Know
These two talks are some of my favorites, they aren't from women's conference but they were talked about. I can't get the transcripts from the conference yet.

I had a great time. After the first day I felt so filled that the second day I felt a pull to get back to my children and I thought that whatever I gained the second day was a bonus.
It wasn't really a time to socialize. It was very busy. There was a 30 minute break between classes and we ended up skipping lunch both days and tried to snack. I did get a little frazzled when I was trying to find a private place to pump. Christine helped me find an empty classroom and guarded the doors so I could quickly pump. It worked out just fine. We had to rush to the classes we wanted and stand in line. I did run into one of my friends but we only had time to hug and say hi. They also had these service workshops in the evening and a concert, I was so wasted, tired, and hungry I could hardly function we ended up missing that part. I think that it would be fun to stay in the dorms so that you could go rest for an hour if you wanted and then go out again. But of course staying with family is ideal when it doesn't cost anything! It was so beneficial and good for me that I hope to go every year.
I was so excited to see my kids and husband again. They were all happy to see me and I had little gifts for everyone. My husband did such a great job taking care of things while I was gone. Yay!
This post doesn't do any justice to the experience that I had. But it is what it is. Choose God, Feel Joy!
Love and Light~

poop

2011-05-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

Bella was up in the night with a fever. Today she is sleepy and hot. I slept through the alarm. I think the volume was messed with. It was a bummer. One of my children pooped in the tub. This child who will not be named kept denying it. After the tub drained.....
Mommy I think there is poop in the tub.
What do you mean?
I think I saw poop in the tub.
(She is in the tub and has been by herself from the beginning in the tub. And there in the tub is the poop.)
Did you poop in the tub?
No
Well who did?
I don't know.
You had to poop in the tub because you were the only one in there and there wasn't any poop in it when you got in.
No I DIDN'T!!
You won't get into trouble. But you need to tell me the truth. Its okay if you pooped in the tub by accident. Sometimes that happens.
I didn't poop in the tub.
You are lieing to me because it had to be you. Please tell me the truth. You won't get into trouble.
Did you poop in the tub?
No.
Okay then you are lieing and you need to first clean it up and then stand in the corner.
She cries and cries and says how disgusting it is. I'm surprised that she has lied about it when it was so obviously her. Maybe she is embarrassed. Later the next day she says.
Oh I can't get that word out of my head from my teacher in primary.
What word is that?
Commandments. You got to follow the commandments. She says it every time!
Well that is very good but what does commandments mean?
Be good and be nice to your brothers and sisters and tell the truth.......
Oh like don't lie?
She sighs, "yes, I keep having trouble with that one. I don't know why mom!"
"It's okay your learning. Sometimes its scary to tell the truth because we can be afraid that we might get into trouble. We have to always tell the truth and be honest because its the right thing to do and if you lie you get into more trouble." It was actually kind of funny. Wade was home and heard the whole thing. We still don't know why she lied about it.
You get into the poop free tub. The water fills up the tub. No one else gets into the tub. You see poop in the tub. You think, where in the world did that come from? WHO pooped in my tub? Mommy there is poop in the tub!! I don't know where the poop came from but I alone have been in the tub.

May 3
After being a little down this morning from getting told again how bad I am.....I had a good day. I prayed hard to get over my blues and as my day went along I felt my spirits lighten. My good friend came over so I could watch her kids for a little while and she brought pizza and hung out all afternoon. We had a great time talking about Women's Conference and stuff. I like her so much and feel safe around her. She washed my dishes as I made rolls and broccoli soup that I shared with her to take home. The kids were all very good today. Bella is much better and Damon was a delight to be around. He is talking more and a funny boy. Lydia was happily playing a lot outside with my friends son. I felt good being home cooking and talking with a friend. Too bad I got told again how prideful and stubborn I am later. This person is thinking that I'm actually benefiting from being put down and guilted. I pulled out my notes this morning of Women's Conference and tried to keep the same spirit I felt there. Its amazing being back in the trenches and the opposition that comes. Its not easy. And the sad part is that opposition can come through close family members. But it teaches me a lot. I am happy for my trials and glad for my many blessings. I've been thinking a lot about last year at this time. I was on full bed rest.
Love and Light~
Women's Conference post coming soon.......

Wish Me Luck~

2011-04-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

Getting up in the morning at 5 to run is never easy. It does become more routine but never easy. Actually running isn't easy either. I felt tired the whole run today. But I always feel good afterwards. That's what keeps me doing it. I have a much better morning, much better.
I'm extremely sentimental. I can be a little superstitious. Or I can start thinking that way and have to stop myself. Since I haven't ever left my babies like this (Wade said this morning after I cried again, "Its only for two days!!") my thoughts start being weird. I updated Bella's baby book and want the house to be in complete order. "What if something happens while I'm gone.........." "Quite it!!" I tell myself. "Everything will be fine and great".....meanwhile I'm saying constant prayers to make sure that really is the case. See people, this is what happens when a mother with four young children doesn't get out of the house enough! I'm really excited to go to Women's Conference. I told Andrea this morning, "Christine is leaving all her 6 kids, and my friend Katherine is going and leaving her kids with her husband.....and some women go every year!" I'm going to be re-energized and have a little breather to re-focus to come back and be the best wife and mother I can be. And today....I'm going to play play play with my kids and do a little house work too. My kids will be in good hands while I'm gone!
Love and Light~

Womens Conference

......soo excited!

2011-04-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night I am leaving my home and family for two days. This will be a first. I've already cried once about it. I'm sure there will be more tears to come when I say goodbye and drive away. I've been feeling a little anxious to leave the baby. I've tried feeding her a bottle and she won't take it. But after thinking about it for a few days I feel that we will be able to work it out without one since she is nearing her first birthday anyways. So to make it simple today as I prepare to leave I decided to make a complete turkey dinner. I think I really am crazy. I texted my sister-in-law that and she said, "You love yummy smells permeating through your house and how happy your family gets when they eat the comfort food." That made me feel good because I didn't realize yes, that's why I'm doing it! My husband loves my turkey dinners and I wanted them to have good left overs. I'm so grateful that he is watching all the kids by himself for a couple of days and letting me go, that I wanted to put extra effort into dinner to show my appreciation and love for them. I love serving my husband and children. They are amazing!
Love and Light~

new post below ;)

Easter

2011-04-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

We pretty much go camping for Easter every year. We love it. This trip was especially fun.

We were the last ones to leave the camp and enjoyed just our family for the afternoon. We had a nice Easter devotional together and talked about the Savior's resurrection. It was awesome!

Love and Light~

the usual

2011-04-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted to stay in bed this morning. No running today. It is almost nine and Damon is still sleeping. He has had a fever for 5 days now. I will have to take him to the doc if he doesn't improve a lot today. Lydia is mad because I ate her cookie. Andrea is enjoying herself today not having to go to school and is actually reading a book without me asking her to. She had a stomach virus yesterday and threw up a couple times but it seems that it has passed. Bella is crawling all over the floor and trying ot pick up every crumb or little thing and put it into her mouth. I feel overwhelmed with the list of things I am supposed to do today. I don't want to do any of it. I want to just lounge around with my kids. I used cloth for over a week straight with Bella. But today she is in disposables so I can try to pack for our Easter camp out this weekend....if the kids are healthy. So I am to pack as if we are going, but it is possible that we can't go. sigh

Love and Light~

Dear Queen of Beauty,

2011-04-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for coming and invading my 1000 sq/ft house with your two kids for 5 days. It was so snugly and cozy! Funny thing is....it really was great! I was glad that you felt comfortable enough to be in our humble presence for that long!! I think it was the longest we have spent time together since we got married. It reminded me of the good ol' days when people would visit for awhile at moms. I especially loved this morning waking up at 4:35 and going to Gold's with you! We would be the greatest work out partners! I thought you looked so great without makeup!! I know you did that just for me ;) I think they have left me two messages already trying to get me to join. Thanks so much for bringing your bike and trailer. That was my favorite part of your stay. I think all the kids were crying at one point....but we pushed through it and had a great time! We are quiet determined. It was nice having the cousins play and an extra pair of hands to help at dinner time. Too bad most of the kids were all sick but, that's life! I'm just so glad that your my sister and that we get to share the stages of raising kids together! I think we understand each other and have matured a lot in the last 10 years. Especially me!! You are a great loving mother and....a big push over! You try to talk tough but your such a softy!! Course I'm a push over too.......I can't see how mothers can't be!
I hope you have a great Easter Sunday with your little family. I need to get copy's of those pics you took.
We forgot to eat that yummy ice cream!!! Thanks for coming! See you soon!
Love and Light,
julie

This sister of mine is the funnest holiday party girl! I'm like a Grinch compared to her. She always lifts my spirits! She made sure we did some kind of Easter activity when she came!

Toothless

2011-04-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is more entertaining or annoying than a child with loose teeth. FINALLY the first top one came out. On its own that is....
Then the second one was not far behind. It was crooked and hanging down in the middle of her mouth like a witch with one front tooth! It was sooo funny looking. PLEASE let me pull it out. Please it wont hurt! But no she wouldn't hear of it. I felt like jumping on her, prying her mouth open and pulling that tooth out! I couldn't hardly stand to look at her anymore. It was like this dead crooked tooth hanging by a thread right at the front of her face! Plus she talked about it non stop! That tooth came out on its own--as per her wishes--while eating toast. Lydia keeps saying, "I don't want to lose any teeth!" It is quiet the ordeal!!
I think that it is fun for her to have her two top front teeth missing. I never had a gap like that and thought it would be cool....to be able to sing that song...'All I want for Christmas is my Two front Teeth!' Now she talks a little funny, and she likes it! Having kids is soo fun and NEVER a dull moment!

My Mother

2011-04-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

This is my mothers house that she bloomed into a beautiful place after a terrible divorce. I never saw her garden or plant flowers before. I was amazed.

Mom with the geese she loves and they love her.

{I was again amazed when she got geese, ducks, turkeys, and a swan.

It was like I was able to see a beautiful side of her I never saw before. She let herself be more of herself.}

I went to bed at 11. That is late for me. It gave me only 6 hours of sleep. Which isn't enough for me. Lydia and Damon, and Bella all woke up in the night. Lydia was waking up A LOT! And I felt bad because when I heard her whining in her bed. I foggily thought, its not the baby maybe she'll go back to sleep. So in my half sleep I heard her go on and on and on! Finally I was so irritated in my delirium that I went in her room. "What is wrong with you; whats the matter? Why are you crying---AGAIN??" Usually when she has a problem in the night she comes to my bedside and whispers to me and I help her. But this noise stuff coming from her bed was extremely irritating. Aren't I awful?? What happened to my gentle motherly touch?? I blame it on my half sleep. Sometimes I'm really ornery in my half sleep! Apparently Lydia had bad dreams and I don't think she was feeling very good. So I felt guilty throwing myself in bed after asking her to please go to sleep! "oohh ugh, why is Damon crying?? Wade please please help me--all the kids have been waking up." He is totally out of it and sleeping through it all. But he gets up and takes a turn. We usually have it worked out that I get up whenever the baby gets up and he gets up if any of the other kids get up. It works pretty well, since most of the time only the baby wakes up. The alarm went off at 5 and of course was tempted to text and cancel my run but told myself to just get up. We had a really nice run. It had rained a little bit in the night. I came home and felt so refreshed and in good spirits. I stretched for a bit and rubbed Wade's back to help him wake up. We read scriptures and I felt really good inside. I was pretty sweaty and yucky so I got in the shower and still thought about how much Lydia was up in the night and how ornery I was. "I will be much better this morning and hopefully make up for my night time delirium," I told myself. Lydia didn't seem to notice my orneriness in the night and I was my nice mommy self and helped her get comfortable and gave her medicine for her slight fever. The morning went really well, and mostly because I got up early and took care of myself!
It is my moms birthday today. She is 60! I wish I could fly her in a jet to NY and whine and dine her. But I can't. On her 50th birthday I was in New York City with her and my brother eating at the "Windows on the World" restaurant at the twin towers. It was a fabulous night! So this 60th must be a big let down as well as most of her life right now. The kids had pictures ready for her. She was pretty exhausted from a bad nights sleep and sad. She said she wasn't sad but she can't fool me.....I can't worry about it because......and I'm making her a beautiful German Chocolate cake for a big Luau party on Sat for her. I hope she will be happy. My mother has so many wonderful gifts and talents and wonderful great traits. She has a great heart and taught me a lot. She was a dedicated homemaker and felt it important to stay at home with her kids. She modeled that for me and was a fabulous cook. I wouldn't be able to cook at all without everything that she taught me. She is the soup queen! I gained a lot of skills from her. One of the things that is her greatest quality is her generosity. She is struggling with money right now. But when she had money she gave it freely and enjoyed giving to others. She never expected to get paid back and always enjoyed taking people out for a great evening of food and entertainment. If she thinks you need something that you don't have in your house like any kind of kitchen tool or something she can't stand it until she gets that for you. I've seen her do this for all my siblings. She was the most terrific missionary mother. She wrote several times a week and sent packages several times a month. Each letter might have many dollar bills tucked inside. When Wade was on his mission she made sure that we sent him money periodically and wanted to buy him new things when he came home that he had worn out on the mission. When Wade and I went to Salt Lake right after he came home she made a reservation at "The Roof" restaurant at the Joseph Smith Memorial building and when we got there they had a special table set up by the window over looking the temple with a vase of beautiful flowers on the table. It blew us away! She loves to be over the top! She was the ultimate Disneyland Queen. That would probably be the greatest present for her birthday. A huge Disneyland trip with all her children and grandchildren and lots of spending money! She loved taking her children to Disneyland once a year. She loves all things beautiful, tasty, and fun!
I feel bad. I feel like a bad daughter. I wish she was happy with all of us. I wish things were different. I hate this about life; the hurt and pain we cause each other, the disappointments, the expectations. I have great hope in the Savior Jesus Christ that through him each of us can be healed from our sorrows and weaknesses......anything and everything. I have great hope in that day and I'm grateful when I feel some of that healing in bits and pieces.
Love and Light~

My Cloth is CLEAN!

2011-04-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Let us have a word about cloth...cloth diapers that is and the washing thereof.

I've got two kids in diapers and two other children and I don't have time for....well.....let me start with.....I was very blessed to receive a load of used diapers from a cousin of mine. I was so happy and excited because cloth is very expensive and I got a bunch of bumGenius pocket diapers in the pile. I know she took good care of them. They are not new and they are definitely broke in but they have a lot of life still in them. She used the Rockin Green detergent and BacOut spray. The diapers all smelled really good actually! So I washed them for good measure and carefully matched the diapers and the liners together and made nice little piles and was very excited to try Damon and Bella in cloth, since I finally had a good stash. Then the horror happened. After changing Bella I noticed this extremely strong smell....ammonia fumes! Fumes people!! That's what it smelled like and you didn't have to get very close to inhale those ammonia fumes. I was very shocked. This didn't happen with my brand new diapers....what is going on here, I thought! I changed Damon's pee diaper and there it was again; knock you dead ammonia smell! As soon as urine hit those microfiber inserts...Bam! ammonia toxins escaped! I was disgusted and horrified! I got online and went on a bunch of FB pages and blogs, and websites. I saw the complaints about the ammonia and I also saw all the comments.
Comment after comment about every one's washing routines.
"first I rinse, then I squirt Dawn soap in and then I triple rinse and then I sun bath them...."
"first I rinse, then I wash without detergent, then I boil them in a big pot, then I wash them, then I triple rinse...."
"first I rinse the diaper with water and put it in the pail, then I wash them two times, and double rinse..."
"....try vinegar
".....try baking soda
".....this detergent, that detergent, no detergent, sun bath, hot boiling, scalding water (wear glove so you don't burn yourself)."
And do you know what they ALL said? The smell always came back within a matter of time. Its just part of cloth diapering they say. The microfiber ones just hold the stink and eventually you just buy new ones. Organic fibers don't hold onto the stink as much, others said. But no no no to bleach. Oh, no bleach will break down the fibers and wear your diapers out and you don't want those chemicals on your baby's skin, now do you??? No I just want that bacteria that makes all the stinkiness against my baby's skin. --after all bacteria is all...n a t u r a l! People had to boil things in the pioneer days and guess what?-- they died like flys!
All that work your all doing to your diapers is garbage. They aren't clean. Don't kid yourself. You want clean diapers??? Then you Clorox those diapers!!! That's what I did as soon as I read all the garbage of jumping through hoops to clean diapers that never ended up clean. I threw my diapers in the wash and poured the Clorox bleach in. And I had an evil smile on my face doing what you all think is against the rules of modern day cloth. My mother used cloth, my grandmother used cloth and my great grandmother used cloth. They used bleach and had beautiful clean diapers. It worked for them and its going to work for me. The next morning I put the diapers on my two babies and guess what happened after they peed? The diapers smelt like pee!! Imagine that, pee and not a coral of cows! I read about one gal who spent a LOT of money on her cloth and can't get rid of the ammonia after using all those worthless tricks. She felt so sad to cut her loses and use disposables, since neither her or her husband could stand it anymore. I wish to tell her not to give up on using cloth and Clorox Clorox Clorox! I wash my underwear in Clorox and I'm washing my diapers in them too! Use only the 'Clorox' brand of bleach. The other brands makes your whites yellow. ;) I wouldn't put a bleached diaper on a newborns skin. I would use disposables until my baby was a couple of months old. And if my child had extremely sensitive skin, I'd probably use disposables.

Funny thing is that I did finally see a recomendation for bleach after the fact. 1/2 cup once a month. I think I'll be using bleach more often. Most people were against bleach. They are more concerned about the environment then clean diapers.

\My diapers may not last as long as yours and I may have to buy a few new ones here and there, but at least I know my baby is wearing a CLEAN diaper! I have to go to the store now to buy more Clorox!

Feet

2011-04-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

March 21
Well, my feet hurt. My toes are aching me right now. My feet feel like hell to be honest. I made a mistake somehow. I don't even know what is going on. All I know is my feet hurt a mile into my run and ache the rest of the day. After a couple months of this I finally had to tell Wade. He is not happy as I expected. He has a thing about shoes. He doesn't like us to spend more money then is economical on the feet. I hadn't boughten running shoes since three of my babies were born. --Have my feet grown slightly? So slightly that I didn't notice my shoes may be snug after years of buying the same size of running shoes with no problems? My feet growing seems inconceivable. But I am wondering now if they have. My toes are numb after the first mile. I'm thinking that my shoes are too supportive. Like my whole foot is being to tight, but I feel like my toes have enough room. Its weird.

"Its not your shoes."
"Yes it is."
"No its not. How do you know?"
"uhm, because maybe I'm an experienced runner and have trained for a full marathon. I know what my feet should feel like."----10 years ago!!! I guess its been awhile?

He's just frustrated that I may need to buy new shoes after only two months with these shoes. I don't blame him, "I'm not happy either. Do you think I'm happy? That its fun to rebuy shoes??" --for me its not fun to rebuy shoes when the funds are so low. Theres no point at getting mad at me about it because I am already mad at myself. It is what it is~whatever that is, I'm not sure. All I know is my feet hurt.

I got my first batch of cloth diapers yesterday. Its a little daunting. Wade hooked up the water sprayer to the toilet but is not exactly happy about this whole cloth thing. He is unsure that it will really save us money since the diapers are expensive and we have to buy special detergents and stuff. Its a lot of accessories and equipment and extra washing and work. I don't know what to do...

Friday, April 1st
I took my shoes back after two months of running in them. They gave me most of my money back for in-store credit. I felt relieved. But now I am running in my old shoes and I'm getting blisters after every run. I'm tired of my feet hurting......

Sitting down to figure out the two week meal plan is NOT fun. That is what I need to do right now. What have we not eaten in awhile? What would be fun and easy to make? What will the kids like? And then I have to make my grocery list with it. Once I get started it starts to flow and by the time I get home with all my groceries....I feel great accomplishment!

Sunday April 10th
My old shoes are so horrible that between the snowey, windy weather on Friday and my blisters I said no to running. My second toenail is black. My toe nail will be falling off. I'm still stunned with my foot problems. I'm more stunned that I pushed through the pain and kept running with shoes that were too small. I'm silly or I like to suffer. I think I'm both silly and enjoy suffering. Wade was being nice about it all since the evidence was very clear about my problems of the foot. Some experienced runner I am! We went to the Running Store. Those people are experts on the running shoe. She told me yes, my feet probably grew and usually you must buy bigger shoes anyways to run in. My pro runner cousin verified that to me when I met up with her at a wedding this weekend. "Yea, man I always run in a shoe size bigger then I am, " she said. I got much better shoes, I hope. I try them out tomorrow. Too bad that the price was outragouse. Now I'm broke but thats nothing new. I now appreciate the importance of having the right equipment and your feet are number one! I feel bad that I have new running shoes when Wade needs new work boots so bad. He has sewed up the sides once and they are coming undone again. But running is part of my daily survival. He is surviving okay for now in his old boots, so he says.
Love and Light

Nothing Important

2011-04-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

A day over a week ago. And our turkeys have trippled in size! They keep us up in the night. They can't seem to sleep too long because...they get hungry I guess. They eat around the clock and they seem to take naps between eating and playing. They are noisy. Wade said last night that they will have to go in the garage now. Hopefuly we can work out something for them outside soon. I'm planning on posting soon about; a funeral, cloth, and speach of a certain 2 yr old.

My running partner couldn't run today and so I didn't because......and I won't be running tomorrow either because of my schedule. Its a much harder morning when I don't run. But my shoes are killing my feet. These new asics are horrible. I've never had a problem with running shoes before.....I don't want to talk about it....

These turkeys are strange creatures. I've never known a bird in all my bird experience ;) like them. They fall asleep right in my hands. They don't like to jump off. They actually want to hop in my hand and go right to sleep. Fresca the brown one lifts her wing so I will pet her under her wing. They love to be petted and held. It is the strangest thing I've seen in a long time!!! I think they will actually be amazing pets....how weird is that??? So these turkeys are growing fast in just a few days. They have a lot more feathers and they are happy, fluttering around and chirping. While I'm on the computer there they are so fun to look over and watch. We have turkeys as pets...I still can't believe it!

I have the busiest day today and I get to bring 3 of my kids with me for it all. I hope I can achieve all these things today with grace and ease!

Love and Light~

Gobble Gobble

2011-03-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

And just in time for Easter!!

We are surprised to be the owners of two little turkeys! We did purchase these turkeys. My mom is turning 60 in a few weeks and while at IFA I saw these little guys and thought....perfect! The perfect present my mom will love! Wade and I talked it over in the store.

"Will she be happy about it?"

"I don't know.....she loved the last two turkeys she had. They were her favorite pets!"

"She will be surprised--that's no question. But will she be happy?"

We took a gamble and lost. We went out to her house on the prairie and she wasn't happy at all. In fact she began to cry. I thought it was the perfect ending to my crappy day. She said that her last turkeys got eaten by wild animals and that she couldn't keep these turkeys safe. So off we went home. But she gave us all the stuff we needed to take care of them. Isn't that sweet? Wade and I are totally stunned. We can't believe that we have turkeys in our house! IFA wouldn't take them back and so here we are--With little turkeys in our house named Fresca and Cindy.---The kids love our new pets! Every time someone walks by the turkeys they stop to look at them.

"Look, it peed!"

"Look it jumped!"

"Look it stepped on Cindy!"

"Hey look, it stepped in its own poop!"

They are very entertaining!

Our first pets....are turkeys of all creatures!

Survival

2011-03-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

I am a daughter loved by God. He is my Heavenly Father.

I am loved by my Heavenly Mother and I have inherited some of her divine traits.

He wants me to be happy and watches me very closely.
He knows what is best for me and I try to follow Him in all I do.
It is okay to make mistakes. I try every hour to be better then the hour before. Sometimes I have to take life moment by moment, and that's okay.

I ran today after a week off. My mornings this week will be drastically different then last week. Last week I had a hard time getting out of bed. Today I ran at 5 and was ready for the day by the time the kids got up. I was more cheerful and happy to attend to my children's needs. I had a few moments to reflect and feel Gods love. I hope that everyone can feel that love; because we are His children. I'll never forget the little boy in my ward who said, "I know Heavenly Father loves us because he created us. And how can you not love your own creations?" That really touched my heart.

I think running has become my new therapy, its becoming more than a choice. Its part of my survival. Thanks to Amber and April for inviting me to run again!

Real Life, Real Emotions

2011-03-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is one of my Sunshines!! I could gobble her up!!!

March 23rd

The red/white pasta dish I make is so yummy. It is basically a red spaghetti sauce with a home made Alfredo sauce to die for (butter, cream, cream cheese, fresh Parmesan) and a tube pasta with mozzarella cheese layered in a baking pan. You all need to get that Food Nanny cookbook. This one will be a regular at my house. I am addicted to the Italian bread I make it at least every other week. I made that today too. By 1:30 I had most of dinner prepared ahead of time. It makes it so much easier when the kids get home from school to have most of dinner prepared. 4:00 on is my hardest time of day until kids bedtime. I'm happy for early out to spend more time with Andrea and she has her piano lesson today.

March 25th

This week has been really nice as a mother and wife. I have been feeling a lot of fulfillment and joy during my days with the kids. Yesterday we had left-over pasta for dinner and the girls had gymnastics. The evenings are my toughest time of day. My joy and fulfillment goes right out the window. I'm emotionally exhausted and stressed and physically tired. I manage a business from home and some days are really slow and some days are really busy. I had sort of a busy day yesterday with it and Wade and I got into a disagreement while the girls were at gymnastics. I hate it when that happens! I unfortunately took a little of my frustrations out on the girls on the way home. Andrea got a treat after her class and Lydia didn't and Lydia was whining and complaining that Andrea wouldn't share and it triggered me and I sort of....exploded?

"You girls need to be nicer to each other and share!"
"Sisters are your greatest friends you'll ever have and I'm tired of you fighting!"

"All you two worry about is how much fun your having and how much candy you get every day!"

"Your both complaining too much lately about helping around the house and not doing your chores."

"When we get home I want that room clean enough to vacuum!"

There is silence in the car.

Lydia in a timid voice says, "Mommy I'm sorry your upset."

I don't say anything. Even when I was talking I felt bad. I'm feeling inadequate and like a bad mother.

I walk in the house anticipating Wade being upset with me when he comes over and gives me a hug. I start crying and he says some nice things to me............and that's all I'm sharing about that.

Life is so stressful. Raising kids and being in this economy is hard. Wade and I are a good team but life is still has its difficulties. Its hard to roll with the ups and downs and when some down moments happen its easier said then done to let things be what they are and not get upset about it. I think what I have a hard time with is feeling like I can control my life and what will or will not happen. I don't have control. Its the Lord's plan I'm trying to follow, not my own.

Music

2011-03-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

This is my beautiful spunky Andrea at the piano!
Piano Lessons have begun! Andrea has had her first lesson and so far she loves it. I know she might get to where she hates it and wants to quite but I can be happy that the first lesson went so well. The neat thing for me is that I have a great desire to learn. I only had a couple of years of lessons and never learned to read music...especially the left hand. I was looking at the Friend magazine and saw a song in there and went right to the piano and started picking away at it. It has an interesting tone to the song...a little somber sounding. I studied the left hand and figured out how to play it very slowly but still, I figured it out and had never heard the song before. If there is a desire there is a way! I used to think that I could never learn the piano since I didn't while I was growing up. But its never too late to learn and cultivate new talents. I hope to be able to play so that people could sing along. That would be a great accomplishment. I want my home filled with good music! My niece Makenze was over last Wednesday and I looked at her sheet music she was learning on the clarinet and thought, "hey I could play this!" So together we played through her songs, me on the piano and she on her clarinet. We laughed and had a good time!

I have a strange thing about music. Many times certain music annoys me. Rattles my nerves!--as my mom always said! When I'm in the car I don't like music on. While I'm home I like to listen to.....mostly...uplifting church music. I'm quiet the dork really! It helps to calm me and keep my sanity. It helps me keep a good perspective. But when Wade comes home we often put on fun music to dance to. He loves the 80's rock music. But my kids favorite song of all is "The Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Its awesome.

Today I was updating the kids journals. Well I got half of them done. It takes me awhile. I have a little journal for each of my kids and I try to write in them once a month. Sometimes it doesn't always get done but I have found looking back on my past entries that it is a real treasure. I write to each of my children like a letter and tell them about what they are doing and learning. It is so easy to forget each child's unique stages and funny things that they do. I was looking at Lydia's and exactly a year ago today she was very sick and a couple of days later was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia. What a scary thing that was. How delicate this life is. I am so grateful that this winter we have all been extremely healthy with little to no sicknesses. I think that the journals for my kids is one of the greatest things I do. So simple but, I'm very sentimental!
Love and Light

Food

2011-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

This Girl is a great Eater! She is my artichoke buddy! We had a lot of fun eating these! Reminded me a lot of my friend Carolyn and I growing up. I like to have artichokes once a year!

Aren't these Italian Bread loafs beautiful? I made four smaller ones this time instead of two large ones for my Italian Meatball Sandwiches. I had this terrible mishap last week with my bread. I had made Italian Bread. It was beautiful and in the oven when disaster happened. I was spraying the oven with water to make a crisper crust when the light bulb in the oven exploded. Shards of glass embedded in the dough of my bread completely ruining it. I felt defeated and sad. All that work.....ruined!

Tonight I made a curry chicken dish over rice with Cesar salad. It was pretty good but I need a new curry recipe. I want it to have coconut milk in it. Anyways, I also made cupcakes with Lydia today. It was very blustery out today and never left the house. I also felt a little suffocated by the end of the day. Lydia is getting more restless at home with me. She is wanting to do something "fun" with me every second. I remember this happening a lot with Andrea the year before Kindergarten as well. Its getting harder to "entertain." I try to have fun snacks and activities to do. We got out the paints today and Damon and Lydia spent a lot of time painting pictures. Mostly I have to just involve her in whatever I am doing. I mopped the floor and she was the water bucket girl wheeling the bucket over to me when I needed a rinse. She was also playing on the kitchen table chairs moved onto the living room carpet hoping from chair to chair to couch....

She started singing and talking and make believing. That is always fun to watch!

Wade came home and we had a nice FHE making signs to memorize the words to the primary song we are working on this month for church. Then we decorated the cupcakes. I put too much lemon extract in the icing thinking how tasty it would be and ruined it. Another cooking mishap but what do ya do? Kids still like it! I didn't have any boxed cake mixes so I made this white cake batter from scratch out of my Better Homes and Garden's cookbook. You know, the book with the red plaid cover? Well I finally found out the difference between the white cake and the yellow cake. The white cake is used with only the egg whites! I thought it had something to do with butter. This recipe also called for buttermilk. I think the cake part turned out wonderfully but I should have made some kind of chocolate frosting so my hubby would love it. Problem was I was thinking mostly of Lydia making the cake and she doesn't care for chocolate....I didn't want to disappoint her but also didn't want to make two frosting's. But seriously...your thinking who cares!! Well these are the simple things that consume my life. White frosting or chocolate frosting?? 1/2 tsp of lemon extract like the recipe says or maybe I should try 1 1/2 tsp??? decisions decisions! Well there are other things on my mind. Like the few people who called on the business phone and why aren't our taxes done yet????

My baby Bella is not feeling very good. I am hopeing she is just teething. She is getting to be a handful! Church is getting harder and harder and it will be until she is 18 months when she goes into the nursery class. I feel exhausted by the end of church! She is busy at home and is completely board of her toys! Any day now she will be crawling to pull on a cord somewhere or trying to get into all the cupboards! She is so much fun!!

Love & Light

Cloth is Cool!

2011-03-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

My first day of Cloth Diapers!

Sunday was the first day that Bella was in all cloth. It went surprisingly well. I was amazed at how nicely they worked. They work as good as disposables. It is different not to just toss the messy diaper in the garbage. But there is something satisfying about it. We went to church and everything went fine. I have this cool sprayer that connects to the toilet to spray the poop off easily into the toilet, then I toss it into this wet bag. I have basically two types of diapers. Ones with covers and seperate inserts and all-in-one diapers where the insert is sewed into the cover. They are soft and comfortable and some have velcro and some have snaps. I heard that the snaps last longer. Most of them are also one size. Which means they adjust to your baby from infant to toddler. How cool is that? The diaper grows with your baby! The ones with the cover and inserts are bulkier on the baby, but I think those are the most economical. I only have enough diapers for about 1 1/2 days. So I may cloth diaper a few days a week and use disposable the rest. It takes a lot of money to get started with cloth. Cloth diapers are not cheap! My mom said, "Why couldn't they have invented these in the 50's??" These cloth diapers are not what your grandmother used. They really are amazing, totally modernised. So if the world ends, I'll be able to wash a few diapers to get by!

Love & Light

Lydia-A Delight!

2011-03-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

I would say that if you have passed out asleep on the floor amongst your birthday presents--its been a good day! She hit the jack pot this year! Thanks everyone~

My 'favorite people' turned 5!

We are so happy to have her in our life.

She brings sunshine in the home and is a joy!

Some of the fun!

We started the day off fun by going swimming and having a pizza party afterwards. She was very excited and happy to play with her cousins and swim for her birthday!

The Ranch

2011-03-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

A great afternoon!

Special Day

2011-03-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

The happy grandparents! Unfortunately my mom was unable to attend because of work.

The missionaries-who taught her. When a child grows up in the church they the soonest they can get baptised is 8 years old. That is the age of accountability. Anyone older than 8 years old must be taught by the missionaries before baptism. It was a lot of fun to go to the discussions (lessons) with her sometimes. It was my first time too to be involved in a discussion. Something I always imagined with my siblings going on missions and my husband but hadn't experienced. It was neat to watch my niece learn and feel the spirit.

My niece Makenze was baptised by her dad on Saturday. It was a huge highlight in my life. I am so excited and proud of her! I wanted to get more pics of everyone who came but after the baptism I was too busy with my kids and especially the baby to get any more. It was a great day! I had a lot of fun helping her get dressed after the baptism~

I love that picture of Christ in the back round. He is the foundation of our church. I believe in Him and want to follow Him!

Love and Light~

Old Idea Realized

2011-03-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

My legs ache. Its almost midnight. If I stay up too late too much I get a cold. But I'm not running in the morning and I'm a little wired. I'm sure if I just lay my head down I will clunker out. I went to a new friends house today and got the run down on cloth diapering. WoW! I didn't know there was this amazing movement going on. The 7 years I have had kids I haven't met one person who is cloth diapering until her. Its like this secret. But once you know the secret you think, "Why has this taken me so long to find out about this?!" This amazing woman has four kids like me and is a pro at this cloth diapering. She let me come in her house in her bedroom and closet and bathroom showing me her hundreds of styles and kinds and ways of doing all of this cloth diaper business stuff. I was really inspired. Its another way of taking complete care of my babies. I asked her, "Why do you like it so much?"

She said, "I don't know, its just really fulfilling."

I said, "Do you nurse your babies too?"

She said, "yes."
And it all started coming together for me. She feels fulfillment nursing her babies like I do and its something that you can't really explain but have to experience and for her cloth diapers is part of that experience too. Plus she says its fun, and the diapers are so cute, diaper laundry is her favorite!
Well this all hit me at a core level. I delivered my baby sitting on my hubbies lap completely natural and nurse my babies and stay home with them...duh...of course naturally I should be cloth diapering! Before you know it I'll be going granola or something! J/K!

So this cloth diaper business has been like a little whisper in my ear. Before I found out anything about it. I hate spending the money on diapers since I have two in diapers and one in pull-ups. A couple of years ago I had a terrifying experience when I needed diapers but didn't have the money for them for a few days. I felt panicked. I felt scared and powerless. What if we can't get a hold of diapers for some reason? I would be in big trouble. I would be making some ridiculous makeshift diapers to get by. YIKES! These economic and world events are unpredictable and unstable. Cloth diapers to me is something I want to get into so that it also becomes part of my preparedness storage. Its just a no brainer for me as a mom with young children. When I googled cloth diapers I was amazed that they weren't these white square rags that you fold and pin and fasten a piece of plastic over. Cloth diapers have been re-created from when my mom used them. They are modern, practical and stylish. One problem with getting into it is that its hard to spend the money upfront to get started. I figured I could at least get a little to start. I just bought my first cloth diapering stuff tonight and it was very overwhelming but since I got the run down from my friend today I was able make a decision on my first order. I can't wait for it to get here and try it all out. Plus I'm saving the planet and my wallet!

Love and Light and Goodnight!~

I want spring to come! My tree has quadrupled in size but my flowers are amazing!

Go To Bed!

2011-03-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

I added a new feature to my blog. Video clips from u-tube. My favortie one is on the top about motherhood. I was so excited to come across it because I quoted a lot of what Elder Holland said in a RS lesson. It is one of those talks that uplifts the weary soul of a mother!~Its awesome!

I had a cool experience while running on Friday. The first two miles were misery. I had to force my body to keep going. But then I got a second wind. I started to feel more strength and it became easier. The next two miles I felt like I could run forever. But the cool part was that since I was running bymyself this time I started praying and felt an overwhelming feeling of love. It was really special and I know everyone can feel that same love if we seek after it.

I don't want to go to bed knowing when I wake up it is the start of another long week. I don't want to feel the Monday misery again. Mondays make me shiver! Will I be happy? Will I be tired and lethargic like last week? I think if I am careful about my morning thinks and doings that it will be a great day.

I keep finding myself thinking about William Shakespear when he said something to the effect: All the world is a stage and we are all merely players.
I think that this life on the earth is actually a very short one and a proving ground for the eternities. That our difficulties seem very difficult in the moment but they pass. Things are only as dramatic as we make them. Its not a big deal-like you thought. We decide the roles we play. We take things too seriously. We should just realize that it is what it is and its wonderful with all its ups and downs.
Goodnight Love~

Monday Misery

2011-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

I feel exhausted all the time. It is so much work trying to be a happy wife and a patient mother. I feel tired.
I love my life but I feel like I'm having a hard time enjoying it. Like I'm just too tired to even smile sometimes. I went running this morning at five am but I don't feel more energy.

Pray harder

Study better

Think better thinks

wash clothes

change diapers

fix kids hair

feed the kids

play with the kids

teach them not to fight

teach them how:

to be kind,

good manners,

God fearing,

nurture their talents

I'm a teacher

I'm a nurse

I'm a cook

I'm a maid

I'm a councilor

make dinners

wash dishes

clean floors

pick up pick up pick up

answer a million questions

get myself ready

I'm a secretary

business work/bills/normal adult stresses

I'm tired.

Its hard to get excited about anything. If we plan to do something fun, well that's a lot of work too. This is supposed to be the most precious time and the most important time raising small children, yet it is the most exhausting. It feels like life is a game you know like a.......test. ;) I feel like I've been playing this game for a loong time. I feel old.
The strange thing is too that even if I get lots of sleep, I'm still tired. But I think its being tired emotionally that makes me tired physically.
I felt today like I need more strength. Every day can seem so mundane and the same. My work is never ending. Day and Night energy is needed to raise small children and take care of a household. I realized that it didn't seem like I've been saying enough personal prayers. I feel like we pray a lot as a family. Morning and night prayers plus meal prayers and then there is the many little prayers I say in my mind during the day. But to actually kneel down, say my prayer out loud, Bymyself, and just be still for a moment....that makes all the difference. So simple and yet sometimes seems so hard to do right now. I peeked around the corner and noticed my kids watching a movie and Bella playing on the floor. I thought, this is my chance. I shut my door, take a deep breath and kneel by my bed. It felt good. Like taking a little breather out of my day to get some heavenly help. Mondays are just plain hard.

Today is Wednesday and I've had a great day. I went on a nice long run this morning and read about King Noah and Abinadi with Wade before he went to work. Mosiah is one of my favorite books. I didn't feel so tired today like I did on Monday. I feel like heavens helping me because I felt peace and I felt almost no stress today. I didn't go anywhere all day until tonight when I took the kids and Makenze to Wendy's to get a frosty. I spent a lot of time being with my children, talking with them, playing with them, eating with them, watching them. Of course I still did a bunch of miscellaneous housework and answered the business phones--part of the never ending work. But I felt very content and grateful today. I wish I could stay in a place of gratitude and contentment all the time. I'm so excited that my niece Makenze is getting baptised this month on the 12th.-Lydia's birthday! This will be the most important decision of her life, a decision she has made on her own.

My Andrea and Lydia have these little Book of Mormon's. Everyday at different times they come to me wanting to read it. Lydia asks me to read and she repeats what I say. This morning when Andrea woke up, her eyes weren't all the way adjusted to the light when she was standing at my bedroom door holding her Book of Mormon and hoped she was in time to read with Wade and I. She has been reading on her own and understanding it! She gets excited about it and when she finished the first chapter in Nephi for the first time on her own she was so happy. I thought to myself, "I just witnessed my daughter read the first chapter of the Book of Mormon for the first time in her life." What a great beginning for her in her young life. It took me until seminary to read the Book of Mormon. She has decided to read the Book of Mormon this year to see if it is true for herself for baptism this year. We have been reading out of the picture book for a few years on the Book of Mormon stories but there is something special about reading the pure language from the scriptures. I really have amazing kids. They seem so eager to learn and talk about spiritual things.

I've been practicing the piano. Its been really fun for me. I'm very much a beginner but for the first time in my life I want to figure it out. I used to think that the window for learning the piano was gone. But I wonder if I could learn the piano good enough to play any hymn, even now. You can learn knew things as adults! So I've been picking at some simplified hymns. Last night I taught Andrea chop sticks on the piano. This morning when my mom came over before the bus run Andrea showed her what I taught her. My mom said, "okay, are you ready?" Andrea didn't understand what she meant but then for the next 20 minutes I listened to my mom and Andrea play the chop sticks duet like I used to do with her as a kid. It was really special and Andrea can't wait to play the piano again with Grandma--in the morning!

Love and Light~

Snow Canyon

2011-02-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

For Presidents Day we went on a day hike. It was really fun and Damon did really good. He hiked himself half the way. My girls are amazing hikers. We went atleast 4 miles.

This is a beautiful canyon with awesome red rocks and lava tubes.

Wade keeps telling me that he saw this pizza place with Bella's first and middle name and we HAD to go check it out! It was fun and yummy.

and now....I must catch up on the housework!

Love and Light~

My Lovely Valentine's

2011-02-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

These are my lovely Valentine's this year. I have been making Valentin'es like this for my husband since 1999. It is a lot of fun and sometimes overwhelming. Be careful at what traditions you start!

This is my new (used) piano! In December I was dreaming about getting a piano and thinking about it during the night when Bella would wake up. I always wanted a piano and new I would get one but never thought of it as an option in my little house. Suddenly it became very important to get a piano because my children are growing--no matter what type of house I live in. Whats amazing is when the piano was in my house I felt really excitied and I felt like it completed the family. I always had a piano in my home growing up and it just seemed like something was missing in my home. I actually do not read music. I play a bunch of fun duets and things from memory. I would like to take lessons someday.

My mom is VERY happy we have a piano. She actually found this piano for us and told us about it. She came over on Sunday for dinner and the two of us played the piano for awhile. In fact my husband had to finally ask us to stop playing so we could do somthing else!

This is my thought from the weekend:
I'm trying not to care about what you think or what you do. It really is none of my business. What you do, think, say is your business and has nothing to do with me. What I choose to do with my family has nothing to do with you. My husband and I are stewards over the people living in our home. You are the stewards over your home. There is no cross overs in our stewardships. That doesn't mean that there isn't love and respect between us. What we do is our business, what you do is your business. Lets keep that straight. Lets not get mad about eachothers business. Lets not care about our differences or commonalities. Let us only notice and observe and keep quiet. Be yourself for you and I'll be myself for me. You are in your journey and I am in my journey. Let us be and let be.

Wade and I picked out our own Ben and Jerry's ice creams. It was fun to pick out something with nuts. So I chose Chunky Monkey. It had banana ice cream with fudge chunks and walnuts. I love love walnuts. It reminds me of my childhood. There was always walnuts in the house. I never ate ice cream without walnuts. What I didn't know was that some of the time they were rancid. I aquired a taste for rancid walnuts. It gives it a extra bitter taste. yum yum! Funny isn't it. The only reason I knew they were rancid was because of my friend Carolyn. Together we would eat rancid walnuts in our ice cream. I think my favorite was vanila icecream milk shake with oreos and walnuts. Finally one day she said no to the walnuts. She told me that every time she ate walnuts at my house her mouth broke out in cankers. This was quiet the discovery. I don't know if I built some kind of immunity to rancid walnuts or what! I never had a problem. It turned out to be a big joke between us. What reminded me of all this is waking up this morning with a big canker on the inside of my bottom lip! I geuss I haven't eaten any walnuts in a long time and my mouth didn't agree.

Love and Light~

It's Love Day

2011-02-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Sunday Evening Decorating Valentine Cookies

Happy Valentines Day!

My day started out with a great run with my friend at 5 am. I almost tried to think of an idea to cancel. It didn't help that the night before I stayed up until about 1am playing the cash flow game with my Dad and Aunt/step mom Kathy and Wade. We had a ball playing! I was the only one who didn't make it out of the rat race! :( But I has happy that everyone else did. I NEVER stay up that late! We all learned a lot from the game.

Saturday was great because we were all at the ranch with Dad and Kathy loading up hay. I have such great memories at the ranch with my dad. But my kids need more experiences like that. Soon after we get there the kids act a little lost not knowing what to do. They start to whine and complain. "I have nothing to do!" "What should we do?" We say just figure it out. Us your imagination. Play around on the hay stacks and figure it out! And they did!! They were covered in hay inside and out. Kids need to learn how to just be and entertain themselves sometimes. The last 8 years I have been either pregnant or nursing or having to watch a toddler and haven't been able to...cowgirl up? So I was standing there watching dad move hay around (which in the past I would be helping) Kathy was holding Bella and he said to me, "Bring that tractor over here and put the bucket down and I'll fill it up." I was a little stunned and felt a dashavoo to my childhood.

"Me?"

"yes"

"okay but I haven't driven this tractor before."

"well, hop up there and I'll show you."

I was pretty excited. Usually I just watch Wade or Dad drive the tractor while I hold one of my children. It was really natural driving the tractor and helping out. I only did it for a little bit because Kathy couldn't hold Bell forever! I reflected a lot about working with my dad on the ranch. The way he had me work with him during almost every time I saw him made me feel strong and capable as a woman. When he would come up to visit me it was always at the ranch working and riding horses. Sometimes I thought, "Oh I don't want to work all weekend at the ranch!" Imagine that a child not wanting to work! Well I was always happy during my visits, learned great work ethic, built great memories and was always sad to say goodbye.

Yesterday at church my dad and Kathy came to sacrament meeting with us. When we said goodbye in the lobby and they left Andrea was having some sort of melt down and pulling on me to come with her to the bathroom. She was crying as we walked and I kept saying what is the matter!? We got in the bathroom and she said that she was so sad that Grandpa was leaving. She was crying pretty hard and said how she didn't get enough time with him and that we don't see him enough. "I just miss Grandpa!" In that moment my heart melted and I remembered all the times that I cried after saying goodbye to my dad. Sad that I never got "enough" time since I didn't live with him. When we got home she started crying AGAIN about missing Grandpa and wanted to call him. A little bit later she was sitting on the counter and started tearing up again and said to me, "lets not talk about Grandpa anymore." I thought we had stopped talking about him, but she must have continued thinking about him. I really was surprised at how she missed him and cried about it being the Grandchild. I didn't know she was so fond of him. My kids really love Kathy too. She seems to be a natural addition to my family.

I didn't plan on spending any time blogging and need to get on with my festive day. I have major valentines to make!! I created this tradition of making nice valentines for each of my children and husband. I'll be thinking of my sister Cheryl....-the holiday girl- and the countless hours of making valentines together! I'll try to post a picture of my valentines but I'll be lucky to get them all done today.

Wade and I don't bother going out for Valentine's Day. Its more fun to be with the kids for this holiday. Children Love Valentines Day! But we will be cuddling up with a box of See's Chocolate after the kids go to bed!-

Love and Light~

Planning is the key!

2011-02-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

I am really enjoying my new meal plan still from the Food Nanny. I emailed her today saying thanks and she emailed me back! How fun is that!!! This week I didn't feel as gung hoe with planning my meals. I have to say when you sit down to plan all your meals for the coming couple of weeks it feels a little overwhelming. But after you start deciding on the first few recipes and figure the ingredients it starts to flow and before you know it you have your plan done. And then it feels like a big relief to know what your cooking and you don't have to fret and stress over it. I can't tell you enough how great these recipes are! Every home needs this cook book.

I had a friend ask me today if I really only shopped once for two weeks. The answer is no. I do have to go back to the store the next week for perishable items like milk, and a few produce things. But it is still very easy because its just a few items. I have bought heavy cream or half and half that I was to use the second week and it turned out that the day I was planned to use that ingredient it was a day or two past the expiration date. My mom adamantly told me that if you use creams in a recipe that a day or two past the date is fine. So I did use it and it was good, but it made me aware that I won't buy certain things until the week I will be using them. A lot of produce last a long time but delicate items like spinach need to be bought the week of the meal. The main thing is to have two weeks of meals planned out and most of the shopping done.

I've been doing this meal plan for over 6 weeks now and I have felt a lot of satisfaction as a wife and mother knowing that I have made an awesome dinner. Everyone is tired at the end of the day and when my husband says, "That was the best pot pie I ever had!" it makes me feel proud and successful.

Today I made stir fry and fried rice for dinner. My husband has been requesting it for a month now. I don't really have a recipe for that. I find a nice marinade with sesame and ginger and soy sauce for the veggies and chicken. The fried rice I use oyster sauce, sesame seed oil and soy sauce. I made a simple one with green onion, frozen green peas and of course egg. I made separate white rice too but I probably could have forgone the fried rice except that it is so yummy I thought, "why not?" This meal was little tricky because I couldn't prepare any of it ahead of time. I had to make it all right before we ate and its difficult with lots of children at my heals. Unfortunately I had to threaten Andrea if she didn't help me with the baby she would be in BIG trouble! --I just have to get dinner done because Daddy will be home soon!

I also had my niece Mak over today and was helping her with her homework. It is nice to have her around. So some days I have 5 children! I can see that in the future most of my late afternoons and evenings are going to be spent helping with homework with all the kids! Yikes! --All the more reason to be organized with my meals! Organization is no longer a choice if I want to survive!

My sweetheart Lydia has recovered amazingly from her bike crash. A week later and you can barely see that she had any scrapes on her face.

On Monday I had a couple of hours because my two babes were sleeping and Lydia was at a friends house. I felt like taking a nap but instead felt like I needed to get my kids journals out. I realized it had been two months since I wrote in them and felt an urgency to get it caught up. I spent all that time writing in each one. I felt a little emotional about my sweet babies and how they are growing up. As I looked back on past entries I was amazed at how easily I can forget the details of each child's development. It seems like after I have had four babies that each stage from each child sort of blends in. I can almost think of my babies as one. Some things stick out as different for each of them but as a whole I generalize like, "oh yes I remember this age and stage and what babies like to do." I never want to forget their individuality and the feelings and emotions I have with them as a mother. I'm so glad I am recording it. I feel such gratitude and honor to be their mother. What matters most?

By the way,...King Benjamin is amazing!!!

Love and Light

Sunday Singe

2011-02-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't cry.
I was horrified and shocked as big clumps of hair came out of my head.
Did I create this experience to go along with my belief that Sunday mornings are hard? Because singeing hair would definetly make it to the list of having a hard time.
I was curling my hair. Half of it was done. I grabed a chunk of hair right in the front on the top corner-if heads had a corner this would be it- and I put the curling iron two inches under my roots when a bunch of smoke came from my hair. Immedietly I took the curling iron off and saw my shrivled up hair. The hair was singed a light tan color. I stand their stunned. I call for Wade to come see. I just stand their not moving, looking in the mirror. He comes in and I say, "look my curling iron, something happened....my hair!" He takes the curling iron and looks at it and we see that it is about explode into flames as the top plastic piece is melting and smoldering. "I knew we needed to get you a quality curling iron after the first time it broke," he said. Previousley my curling iron was falling apart when we were at my dads house and he fixed it by using some bailing wire. My dads favorite remedy for mending things.
I tentativly raise my fingers to my hair and touch it. The hairs crumble to the counter. I continue touching it as long strands with singed ends detach into my fingers. Each time I touch my hair more and more strands of hair fall to the counter. I look at the counter at all my hair. "my hair. my hair. my hair." I don't cry. But I feel shocked. "My Hair!!!"
It would have been worse if it was right where I part my hair. Instead it is a little to the right of where my hair parts. But its the second worse spot it could be because that is where I pin my hair up. And its at the corner-if heads had a corner-where more delicate hair grows. I just feel sad that it happened. I know that it will grow back and without writing this experience down I'll probably forget it as the years go by. But for now I will have to hid those singed hairs and figure new ways to do it.
Love and Light

2011-02-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

It was a beautiful day on Saturday. Wade had a lot of work to do but that afternoon we went on a walk up the canyon trail. The girls rode their bikes. They hadn't ridden their bikes since early fall and they were a little nervous at first. Lydia is still getting used to using her breaks.
To make a long story short....Lydia had a crash. She was going down a little hill under a bridge and got out of control. I was sprinting after her but it was too late when her face slide across the cement. On the bright side it was smooth cement instead of the rough black top. I scooped her up into my arms and she cried and cried. I almost cried myself. She said through her crying, "What happened to my face? Is it bleeding?" Luckily she got only burn like scrapes but no bleeding. Her eye was puffy for 3 days. Today it finally looks better. I have felt so bad. I actually thought to myself while I was holding Lydia after the crash, "Did I create this experience? Was I overconfident in her and not being careful enough?" Sunday while getting ready for church she asked us if she was still beautiful. Poor thing!--and yes she is still very beautiful! Even in the car going to church she turned to Andrea and asked her, "Am I still pretty Andrea?" And Andrea said that she was.
Food
I can't even remember what we had for dinner on the weekend. Just left overs and Wade made this Ramon concoction the kids love. Yesterday I had so much work to do for the end of the month that Wade suggested getting pizza. I was very happy about that. Today I am making a casserole of chicken, rice and broccoli. I pulled out some Rhodes rolls to make it easier. I am thinking about how to coordinate what days are more time consuming meals with what cleaning I need to get done and other things I need to accomplish. It got cold again and I haven't ran for a few days. I don't want to lose any progress and so I'm thinking that I might try to fit a run in when the sun is shinning--if my mom stops by.
Last night I went to a missionary discussion with my niece Makenze. It went really well. The lesson was on the ten commandments. They taught a neat way of remembering the commandments with a sign language thing. It was cool. Her dad is wanting to baptize her and I think it is all wonderful. It has been great to be a part of it.
The things we are still doing that help me so much is reading the scriptures in the morning and I still try to read from that book, "Remembering Wholeness" every day. All of these little things keep my perspective in check.
I'm happy where I am.
I'm happy with my family and my home.
I love my life and feel satisfied and peace.
I look forward to the great things that are coming my way and am grateful for my future new home. I am grateful for the powers of heaven that help me in the details of my life.
Love and Light

2011-01-28T16:05:00.000-08:00

I decided to sneak a little post on my blog while the kids are playing outside with their dad. I'm sure they will be wanting me to come join them, but I like the small break.

I'm already feeling burned out on my meals. Imagine that! Well I do it to myself. The system is still good, its just the way I do it that is....? I don't know how to put it accept to say this;
I made a spaghetti dinner last night that took me 3 hours to make. On my feet for three hours! What am I crazy? And usually for people spaghetti is that quick meal that takes 15 minutes!!
The reason it took me so long was because I made my own French bread again...its soo yummy and really easy.
I made Italian meat balls to go in my homemade sauce (and I used home grown bottled tomatoes for the base--big diference) and sauted mushrooms.
Cesar salad and cookies.
I almost didn't want to even eat I was so exhausted!
I like to enjoy others eating my food.
I did feel good about my work but I can see that I need to be more careful. I still need to figure out how far to go. Maybe I will cook two really great meals a week and then quick meals the rest of the time. And this weekend I told Wade I am not cooking....except for the Chocolate Texas Sheet cake for his brothers birthday tomorrow. But that IS IT!

I've been running a lot lately. I hate it, I love it.

Wade and I made a very quick trip to the temple today between my moms bus runs. We did sealings. It was fabulouse. Its great to get away from life and realize why and how our life all started.....two people across an alter.
Love and Light

Simple Things

2011-01-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

My sweet niece Makenze

I'm having a lot of fun with my new meal plan and new meals. I felt so great after making French bread for the first time. It was easy and delicious! I made Bruscheta with the bread which is a garlic bread with olive oil, tomatoes, parmesan and basil. It was so tasty with my creamy basil tomato soup! I had some bread left over and it has been a few days and I made the kids and I French Toast for lunch today. I think it was the best French Toast I've ever had! I have to rejoice in these simple things I do. Today I am making a chicken pot pie for the first time too. It is an easy recipe~ most of these recipes are so user friendly from the cookbook "The Food Nanny Rescues Dinner." Every woman needs one!

Yesterday was such a hard time getting ready for church. I felt tears about to spill out the hour before church started. It is so much work right now with all my children. Cutting Wade and Damon's hair earlier that morning didn't help the chaos. I normally don't cut hair on Sunday but yesterday I did. When we arrived at church I forgot that it was ward conference. What a treat! I love it when the stake comes to our ward. Everything is prepared extra special and I felt the spirit. I'm always happy to feel the spirit and look forward to it. Andrea gave her first talk in Primary. The other thing that added to my morning yesterday. Preparing for the talk with Andrea was no simple task. My girl is very emotional! We found great help with the "Friend" magazine. When Wade came home from feeding the horses that morning and saw Andrea and I preparing the talk he asked if we had prayed beforehand. I felt bad that we hadn't and we were on the verge of Andrea having a melt down. Frustrations were in the air. Thankfully Wade offered the prayer. It helped a lot--for the both of us! Wade and I both came into primary to hear her give her talk. She did a great job! I felt so proud of my sweetheart!

Speaking of Sweethearts I heard my girls in the back of the car the other day and I heard Lydia very loudly talking to Andrea.

"I love it so much when Mommy calls me sweetheart!"

"When Mommy calls me sweetheart I love it!"

When I heard that it made me feel sooo good and of course I didn't realize that when I called her a sweetheart that she loved it so much and made her feel good. She still tells me that I am her favorite people at least once a day. I hope that she always thinks of me as her favorite people. I love my kids so much and want them to feel safe, peace and loved in our home.

I hate it when I show my frustrations with my children. I wish I could magically change myself. But it takes a lot of work and awareness...I really hope to never lose patience and I hope to achieve that in this life. One step at a time and one prayer at a time!

After church yesterday and making a quick taco salad for everyone I rushed to my niece Makenze's house and helped her do her hair and make-up before we went to her first New Beginnings. She will be turning 12 this coming August. I was so excited to go to New Beginnings with her. She was shy but looked excited to be there. The people were very friendly and welcoming. My mom and aunt showed up too. I sat next to her and had my arm around her most of the time. I feel so much love and care for my niece. As I enjoyed the program I remembered when I was in Young Womens and the faith and testimony that was strengthened there. I want every woman to feel that they are daughters of God and to have a desire to be true, chaste, benevolent, honest, virtuous, having integrity and doing good to others and value themselves as beautiful, important, worthwhile etc.... I especially want my nieces and daughters to feel and know that for themselves. A virtuous woman is priceless.

We came back to my house and we skyped her mother. It was very good. I felt emotional taking Mak home and I missed her mother and wished she could have come with us to New Beginnings.

Love and Light

2011-01-19T09:51:00.001-08:00

Another day trying to figure this life out. Are we all ready for another post from this deep thinker? I suppose I am ready to post.
The affirmations I'm doing are going well. After taping them to the shower it has helped me be consistent in saying them. And then....I had a set back in my thinking. I felt myself twirl down into those discouraging thoughts. I felt like the affirmations were stupid--because I was doubting. I hate that! Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I trust and have faith every second? I let the emotions in for a couple of days and felt like I was having a harder time with the children and not being my best self. But I kept saying to myself that everything is okay and my future is so bright and wonderful and kept saying those affirmations. I needed to keep thinking of all my blessings. But when I'm in a discouraging mood its like torture giving up my pride and saying, oh fine I'll start thinking of what I'm grateful for. Its starts really slow ie... "well I do have a house; not a big one but I do have one....." And when I do that I realize how wonderful my life is now. And I'm trying to keep that feeling but its hard to do. I've been feeling fed up with myself wanting to be stronger and more grateful. One of the best things to help me do that is to exercise. The weather is so warm lately. I said yesterday, "I am going running in the morning." I got all of my stuff out and set my alarm and felt good about my good intentions. When morning came I did NOT want to get up. Why is it so hard to follow through on goals like that? I made myself get up. I am soo glad I did. I can feel stress melting away with every step of my run. Combine that with the affirmations and its a great recipe for happiness!

I have been rescued by the food nanny. I purchased her cook book after seeing her on byutv. I now plan dinner two weeks in advance. I shop at the store once. Every day I wake up and don't have to lament over what I'm making for dinner. It is all planned out and I don't have to worry and stress over it. It really is life changing for me. In her book she talks about making a theme for dinner on different days of the week. Monday is comfort food, Tuesday is Italian night, Wednesday is fish/meatless, Thursday is Mexican night, Friday is Pizza, Saturday is Grill night and Sunday is Family Tradition night. I am realizing that I can actually have a couple of days for leftovers. I might even make Sunday a left over night for now because it seems to be my hardest day of the week. So I am working on how to tweak the food nanny's idea for my family.
After finding this great new way I feel relieved! Last night I made her 3 bean chili with cinnamon rolls. It turned out really well and it is easy recipe's. I liked the cinnamon roll recipe because it wasn't a monster batch. It was just one pan of rolls and it made making them very easy and manageable.

Wondering why I haven't posted the potty training? After trying for a few days I realized....He is NOT ready. As much as Wade and I wish he was ready he simply is not. How do I know? 3 days of trying and no success. Diapers back on and I will try again when he is closer to 3 years. I think it is harder to potty train a child the more children you have because my attention is stretched between each child. I cant watch him every second looking for signs of when he needs to go potty. Plus he won't talk. I have to be able to communicate with him better. I thought we could get by because he understands what I say but he doesn't communicate back well enough. One time I asked a pediatrician about when to potty train and he said, "As long as they are potty trained before they get married." The point being, its not a big deal on the timing. But I'm pretty sure the kindergarten teachers won't change your kids diaper. ;)

Not a Random Thought

2011-01-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

So is it true that we have to live in a state of pain and struggle to learn lessons in life? Can I live in a state of joy and happiness and still have compassion and humility? Can I smile and say "I'm doing great!" Is that okay? Will people not like me if I act like life is wonderful...because it really is. I want to live life in joy, happiness, and prosperity. I can create that. I am working on it every day. In fact, today I taped a bunch of great affirmations and beliefs I want for myself on the shower wall.

I have been reading this book. Its called, Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle. Every chapter I read I think, yes yes yes this is true and amazing! No matter what is going on in your life you can turn it around and live in more joy and happiness. A lot of your life is what it is because of your own energy and thoughts.

Also in this book it tells you about what your children need to hear. Its really amazing. After reading some of the book I was with my children and I naturally started talking to Andrea like this.

"I want to tell you, All of your needs and desires are important to me."

"There is nothing you have to do for me to love you."

"I love you no matter what you do."

"Do you think I love Bella more then you?"

she nodds her head yes

"I love you and Bella the same. I can't carry you around in my arms anymore because you are growing and getting bigger but I still love to sit close to you and tickle your back and arms. I am happy you are growing and learning. We have a lot of fun together. Everything you see me do with the baby I have done with you. I even spent more time with you because when you were born there wasn't any other children around. You are a very important part of this family."

I then talked to her about her strengths and talents. After our little conversation she seemed to glow all day. And I felt like a good mother.

This book tells you the things your children need to hear at different ages. It is awesome!!!

Another way I'm trying to change my life is: buying a cookbook from the Food Nanny. I can't wait for it to get hear! She teaches to shop once and have two weeks of meals lined out. Knowing what I'm making for dinner for two whole weeks at a time will take away sooo much stress in my life! Yay!

love and light

Christmas--Am I the only one with Crazies?

2010-12-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas can be difficult. This year we had a pleasant Christmas. Wade and I try hard to make it that way. It takes awhile to figure out how we want Christmas to be for our family and what traditions we want to create. We had our normal Mexican feast for the ninth time in a row. I made a version of Cafe Rio pork burritos and salad and my usual salsa. It was tasty. But the cool thing we did this year was we did our little program before dinner. The kids weren't so tired and what were we to do that afternoon anyways? We read the Christmas story. Lydia was the angel, Andrea was Mary, Damon (we couldn't get to dress up) was Joseph, Bella of course was baby Jesus and Daddy was a shepherd. It was chaotic and wonderful. We kept saying to the kids, "Get back over here." "Please sit down and listen to the story." It was a lot of fun. We had them open their presents of Christmas jammies and we talked about the symbols of Christmas. We set out cookies and milk for Santa and we watched the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and just had a nice time. We say no to extended family on Christmas eve. I'm talking about the EVE people! I am a good person. I am a good person. Christmas Day we love the extended family! I'm sure it won't always be that way. Its not easy to do. I am not wicked. I am not wicked. We like to stay home by ourselves since we have such small children that go to bed early. I want to keep the focus on the children and not whoever is visiting with us. And mostly we want peace. One time Wade and I got in an argument on Christmas eve after returning from my moms house. It was so horrible to be unhappy on Christmas eve. It was a learning experience trying to figure out how we want to celebrate Christmas together as a new family.

This year in the back of my mind I kept thinking about the way I was screamed at on the phone and how I had to hang up on them on Christmas eve eve. "I'll never forgive you for this." she said to me. I am a good wife and mother. I am a good wife and mother. I kept wondering if we made the right decision. I am not evil. I am not evil. I am a good person. I am a good person. I felt a lot of guilt. I asked Wade about it. He said he had no doubts we did the right thing. See? You did what was right. You did what was right. We put our family first. The family I came from and the family he came from doesn't come first anymore. This is our only opportunity to raise our children the way we need to. Soon they will be grown. We want to protect and create the environment we want for our children. I remember so much lately the feelings I had as a child. I told myself that some things would be different in my marriage and for my children. Sometimes life is confusing. I think this day in age is more scary. I can't let the man in the street who has no place to go into my home---because of my children. I can't just invite anyone into our space. My children come first. "You shouldn't try to shield them from everything, your being cruel and uncompassionate. Children are resilient and learn from it." It is true that I can't shield them from everything. But I WILL shield them from as much as I can. It is my duty as a mother to protect. Its not like life won't come at them anyways. I think about the conversations I heard as a child and shudder. I remember so many inappropriate things I heard and saw. Its not right to have a child worry about adult things they have no control over. I didn't realize then as a child how challenging it would be to step up and say, "no, I'm doing things a different way, no matter what anyone says or thinks or reacts about it." Even with all my efforts, I'm not a perfect mother. I'm not yet the mother I envision myself to be all the time. I wish I was. That's when repentance and the Savior comes in and helps me.

So I found myself getting very giggly and excited for Santa to come! I was surprised but then I remembered last year on Christmas eve I was excited too. I guess its just the first of December when there is soo much to do before Christmas that I feel like a scrooge about Santa and everything. But in reality its all soo worth it! Christmas eve and Christmas day have to be one of the best days of the year. Its so fun! The first year Wade and I were married we spent Christmas with my brother and I watched my sister-in-law put lights and netting underneath the Santa presents. It made it so special. This year I tried it and although I don't know if the kids really noticed....I loved it!

I started writing this post a week or more ago and questioned myself about posting it. After talking to my sister and how much fun she had on Christmas with all her in-laws I started feeling a little guilty...as usual...about keeping Christmas eve to ourselves. She said that your family is not just your husband and kids and that your extended family is important to spend with too. I wished I felt like that. Then she said that only the last couple of years has she felt good about Christmas and its taken her a long time to get over feeling on edge about the whole Christmas thing. As we talked we said how things may change in the future and for now Wade and I chose to do what was right for us. We are building a sure foundation for our family...that's about all we can handle right now.

I'm so happy for my four children. They make life exciting and fun. I'm so happy to have a good husband.

Last night for FHE I couldn't stop smiling. We started singing Families can be Together Forever. Lydia started singing along right from the beginning and then she started prancing and dancing around the living room. It was so natural for her to do it. Its like she couldn't help herself and she had no worry about who was watching. I call her my little fairy. Andrea is very proper and yet so clumsy. She is in an awkward stage. She was wrestling with Lydia and Damon and smacked the back of her head and got a good bump after FHE. Soon after that she trips over something or stubs her toe. She is so fun to talk to and kid around with. I was teaching her to braid her dolls hair. Damon is just all over the place! He is VERY smart. He chooses not to talk right now. Its a joy to be in Bella's presence every day.

I stopped potty training Damon because of the holidays. I will post about it when I start again.

And that my friends is finally a post. Hate it or love it! Boom Boom Chicalaca!

Fried

2010-12-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

What happens when a seven year old spends all day at school, comes home works on a 'hard' puzzle, does her homework and reads for 20 minutes?---a fried brain. She stubs her foot screams at mom (my fault of course) and runs to her room crying.
Lydia said, "What happened to Andrea's heart? Did it turn into a mean heart?"
After laughing at the question I said, "no, her brain is just fried."

potty training post coming soon!

2010-12-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

Am I making life hard? Or is it really hard?
Imagine yourself today. What do you have to do today? Nothing?---lets hope not! Although it slightly sounds nice. Yesterday I had a list of things to do. When I stay at home and just focus on the house, dinner and kids it goes smoothly. But I needed to get to a few stores and start on my Christmas gift project. I'm not the best crafty person. So this little cricut machine is taking me awhile to figure out. I also have to feed the people. My house is very small for 6 people. I have no room to get out projects. But I had to try and my kichen table had all the cricut stuff out and it took me a long time to get going. By the time I finally figured out what I was doing--the people were hungry. Andrea was needing attention getting home from school and the the three other children....they are always needing something. I wished I could leave my project out somewhere away from the people. I'm completly overwhelmed and wish this was a day that Wade got home early. He comes home and is hungry and tired...and so am I. After dinner is over and my project a mess amongst the dinner stuff on the table I feel like running away. I can't breath again! I take Bella into my room and lock the door. I feel like taking a bath but Bella is awake. I think she might be getting sleepy so I lay on the bed and play with her. I hear the other children running around being loud. Its not long before they are at my door.
"Mommy Andrea isn't being nice to me!"
"No, she is LYING, she is the one turning off all the lights and yelling at Damon!"
I hope they can just work it out. I'm thinking to myself if I can just take a few moments to myself I can be more patient with my children until bedtime. Wade takes a shower and when I come out of my room Andrea has cleared the table from dinner-part of her daily chores. I feel bad because my fuse is short and I have been raising my voice during the evening. Wade comes out and helps me for a minute with this rediculouse sticker maker machine.
"I want to make a card!"
"I want to make a card!"
"I want to make a card for my teacher."
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to make a card too!!"
"Mommy I want to make a card too."
"Okay Okay, just stay back for a minute I'm trying to figure this out."
I desperatly cut out their cards in hopes they will leave me alone so I can focus on what I need to do. I still haven't accomplished...anything for my project! And Damon keeps screeching at everyone because he wants to be in the middle of everything.

Well when the kids finally go to bed I work hard until late to get what I needed done. I did take that bath before going to sleep. But it wasn't a restful night. Bella was up a lot and Damon woke up crying too. It makes me wonder how anyone can raise children and do any type of hobby. I don't like to work on my projects when the kids go to bed because....I...am...exhausted! Is there no rest in this life??!!

Today is the same trying to figure out how to get things done with 3 or 4 children needing me constantly. This time I need to get business done. Invoicing, deposits, bookwork, go to the bank, go to the post office....and of course feed the people! Am I running out of milk again? I may have to go to the store too. I really need to get my student loan refinance stuff in. It, my friends is never ending and I wonder how I will manage. I actually thought how nice it must be for Wade to go to work. I go to work everyday with 3 clamoring children at my heels. I really can't explain it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Infact I must really like it because its what I've created. I'm successfully at my limit. While talking to Wade this morning before he headed off to work I cried to him......again....and I said I could have more patience with the children if I could get just a little break. If I could have just a couple of hours to myself in the house with everyone gone. He acted fine like it was a simple thing for him to do this weekend. Maybe I need to ask more for what I need...in a direct way! If I just say my affirmations, pray and refocus I am sure to have a good day today. If I just determine to myself that it is a great day...then it will be. I hope to do just that.
love and light

2010-12-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

I cooked.

From about 11:00 on today I cooked on and off until 4. But I was happy to do it. I realized to myself, I do love to cook, I do, I like cooking. I just don't like to cook every day. When what you love becomes work....that's when its not fun anymore. It would be amazing to have every other day a cooking day. So today I made chicken noodle soup, my noodles were beautiful this time. Why can't I improve on my mothers technique for cooking noodles?...I thought to myself. I used a pizza cutter to make straight even lines. My mom would have been proud. I also made an awesome apple spice cake. I've been wanting to make one for a few days. I made a caramel sauce to go over it. Yum yum! I then made my best dinner rolls. I was able to deliver part of this feast to a new mom in the ward.

Also I left my cell phone in the car last night by mistake. And I thought about it a couple of times but liked the fact that it was away for a day.

My kids were pleasant and charming today. Damon gallops around the house. It is so cute. At night when I put him to bed he does this noise and points to the door. I know that he wants a drink. I say, "Oh you want this?" and I point to my mouth and whimper and pretend like I'm drinking from a cup and that I'm really thirsty. He laughs and laughs and does it with me as he shakes his head emphatically as if to say, "yes yes that it what I want." Someday he will speak.

I keep thinking how delightful and pleasant Lydia is to be around. I love the way she moves and speaks. She is so easy to be around. I think I'm actually going to be really sad when she starts kindergarten. She is like my little friend around the house and such a great helper with either Damon or Baby Bella. The year before Andrea went to kindergarten she was on my case all the time about what we were doing all day. Its amazing the different personalities.

Andrea is my little grown-up poor thing. She worries about everything. I feel bad lately because we argue before school about getting ready and then when she comes home we argue about chores and homework. I've got to figure her out better!

Bella is my Angel Baby. She is eating rice cereal and fruits. She loves it! She is such a happy baby! I'm enjoying every moment. We took her with us on our date Friday night to dinner and a movie. She was sooo good it was unbelievable and at 6 months.

I marvel all the time that I have four kids!

2010-12-01T10:44:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in Santa Clause.

Every year I struggle with the lie. Why? I really do not get it.

I don't understand this whole Santa Clause thing at all. I never remember believing in Santa Clause when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I was the youngest of 6 kids and my parents stopped putting any effort into Santa. If I did ever believe, I don't remember it. Why should an imaginary person get the credit for MY gifts? How about you better be nice, or I won't give you presents this year? And when does it all end? When do I break the news to my sweet child who believes with all their little heart that Santa is real? All the movies, all the books, all the ploys and stories that we as parents do to keep Santa alive--it feels almost wrong. He isn't alive. If I didn't create Santa, there would be no Santa. My daughter said last night, "I must not have written it right in the letter to Santa last year because I said an all about me doll instead of an American Girl doll. He must not have known what I was talking about. Because my cousins all got American Girl dolls and I asked them how they got it and they said....Santa." What do I say to that? I will continue the tradition of our society and Santa will come, but I don't like it. I like keeping Christ in Christmas. I would rather the idea that we give gifts for each other because we want them to feel special, loved and appreciated. We give you gifts because we are so grateful you are a part of our family and we are honored to make the sacrifices we do to love, raise, teach and serve you. We give gifts because we are grateful to be given the greatest gift of all......the gift of our perfect Savior and his Atoning sacrifice for us. We give gifts to our children because they themselves are a gift to us.